can you feel romantic attraction but not want a romantic relationship?

[Dead account 4444]

I get what I want to call crushes at school. I suppose I like the idea of dating them but the more I think about it, I think "I don't think I'd actually want to date them" and "if they asked me out, I would say no"

 

It's kinda weird, I want to say it's romantic attraction and not platonic attraction because I do like the idea of dating them I think? with platonic attraction I never consider dates at all, i just think "wow they're cool, we should be friends"

 

I just wanted to know if it's possible to experience romantic attraction but not want to date them. because that's all I ever seem to experience.

 

okie thanks in advance, you guys are always pretty helpful and I appreciate this community ❤️

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[Rynn]

Yep, it's called lith/akoiromantic   (if it's a consistent pattern for you. It's normal to not want to date everyone you're attracted to.)

[Alawyn-Aebt]

Yes, I would probably never date and don't feel a desire to date but I still feel romantic attraction.

 

I don't know what else to say about this, other than yes absolutely. Romantic attraction does not always equal wanting to date or be in a romantic relationship.

 

EDIT as Laurann posted at the same time: it might be lithromantic, but not necessarily. Lithromantic implies that one never wants it returned or else the attraction dies. For me it is definitely not that and based off what you wrote it sounds different from what other lithromantics have said, but not I nor anyone else can tell you if you are or are not.

[Glyn]

I'm the same.  I've fallen in love (sometimes so hard I want to cry).  But I have no desire to date or be in a relationship.  I'm totally fine knowing my feelings are not reciprocated.  It's how I've always been.

[DoubleATripleA]

22 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Yep, it's called lith/akoiromantic   (if it's a consistent pattern for you. It's normal to not want to date everyone you're attracted to.)

No it's called being an alloromantic who just doesn't want a relationship atm

[Rynn]

1 minute ago, DoubleATripleA said:

No it's called being an alloromantic who just doesn't want a relationship atm

So the 'consistent pattern' part was the important bit. What if that's all you ever experience? Attraction, but no desire to actually be in any romantic relationship, ever?

[DoubleATripleA]

Yes, you're still alloromantic. Even though romantic attraction is defined as wanting a romantic relationship with someone, you don't always have to want to act on it. Many allos focus more on work or friends or they just don't like the idea of commitment. Plus, you're young, many kids don't want relationships.

[DoubleATripleA]

Just now, Laurann said:

So the 'consistent pattern' part was the important bit. What if that's all you ever experience? Attraction, but no desire to actually be in any romantic relationship, ever?

that's still alloromantic. Some allos just don't want to be committed in a romantic relationship, and want to focus on other things. It's normal.

[Rynn]

@DoubleATripleAReminder that telling people what they are is still against the ToS.

 

And lithromanticism is not about wanting to focus on other things. It's about not being able to desire a romantic relationship, even while experiencing romantic attraction.

[DoubleATripleA]

2 minutes ago, Laurann said:

@DoubleATripleAReminder that telling people what they are is still against the ToS.

 

And lithromanticism is not about wanting to focus on other things. It's about not being able to desire a romantic relationship, even while experiencing romantic attraction.

you can't have romantic attraction without desiring a romantic relationship with someone (even if you choose not to act on it), so how does that work?

 

Also if that's the case, how come everyone else is allowed to tell this person they're 'lithromantic'? That's against the ToS then. 

[Rynn]

1 minute ago, DoubleATripleA said:

you can't have romantic attraction without desiring a romantic relationship with someone (even if you choose not to act on it), so how does that work?

Maybe YOU can't, but other people's experiences are different than yours.

 

They asked 'is it possible to experience bla' and I said 'yes, that experience is called lithromanticism.' Note that I did not say 'You are lithromantic.' Nobody did.

 

Also, this is an official greenie. Please remain civil and do not judge others' identities.

Laurann,

moderator

[Sarah-Sylvia]

If I had to wonder about it, I guess the attraction is the pull you have that leads to the desire. For some the desire is squished or just not there for some reason, but they still feel the pull (the attraction). If that's it it's a subtle difference for sure, since attraction can feel like there's desire in there.

I haven't looked into it, but that's just my best guess.

[SubMana]

I think it's pretty safe to call yourself lithromantic as it checks most of the boxes (except perhaps attraction dying at the prospect of reciprocation, but you also haven't really commented on that), assuming that it's fairly consistent. But you could also just not be ready for a relationship - there's nothing wrong with changing how you identify romantically as you change and grow.

[Guest]

Feeling attraction and consciously wanting to act on it are two totally different things. Celibate people aren't asexual and single people aren't de facto aromantic or lith. 

[Salmiakki]

Of course it's possible to feel romantic attraction and not have any desire to be in a relationship with that person. It has happened to me numerous times. And it wasn't because I wanted to focus on other things or anything. I just didn't want to date them.

[squishward]

30 minutes ago, Salmiakki said:

Of course it's possible to feel romantic attraction and not have any desire to be in a relationship with that person. It has happened to me numerous times. And it wasn't because I wanted to focus on other things or anything. I just didn't want to date them.

Same. I occasionally develop feelings for people that I would have no idea how to describe other than a crush (nervousness, butterflies, warm fuzzies), but I’m just not a relationship person really. I don’t like the whole “script” that comes with dating and relationships, it isn’t natural for me. My truest expression of romantic attraction is a close, affectionate friendship. But the feelings are definitely distinct from those I feel platonically towards people, hence why I consider it romantic attraction. 

[DoubleATripleA]

21 hours ago, Laurann said:

Maybe YOU can't, but other people's experiences are different than yours.

 

They asked 'is it possible to experience bla' and I said 'yes, that experience is called lithromanticism.' Note that I did not say 'You are lithromantic.' Nobody did.

 

Also, this is an official greenie. Please remain civil and do not judge others' identities.

Laurann,

moderator

Saying someone's experience is lithromantic is basically saying "you're lithromantic". 

And yeah, I don't understand alloromantics' experiences.

[Janus the Fox]

The Crush ideals are fine to me, even if real crushes has never happened to me.  The idea about it is not the same as wanting it.