Cupiosexual/Demisexual

[rainbowocollie]

I have my issues with cupiosexuality as it's usually defined tbh, but I'll leave it. Not gonna tell you what to do.

 

Based on my understanding of demisexual, if it takes you an abnormally long period of time to develop sexual attraction towards a person and that attraction is triggered by a deep bond, then you're likely demisexual. For example, the last person I was romantically attracted to, I knew them for about three years before I developed feelings for them. Before that, I had had a long-running squish on them.

[Guest]

14 hours ago, DoubleATripleA said:

so I see this as an uncommon version of being allosexual, not asexual.

That's because it is allosexual, not ace. Not sure where you heard otherwise.

[HikaruBG]

16 hours ago, DoubleATripleA said:

what is primary and secondary attraction?

Check this.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_mode

This model and this wiki as a whole caused a lot of confusion within AVEN, I criticized it several times here.

[DoubleATripleA]

20 hours ago, aces&eights said:

Well actually this is important to the discussion. Imagine a person colour blind to the colour red. They can research it all they want, know the photon count, examine the biology of the eye BUT they still won't know what it feels like to experience red. In your case you might have researched asexuality - maybe even read every book and scientific paper, but you cannot possibly know what it feels like to experience something other than being straight allosexual. So whilst your opinion is valid you should be aware that you cannot possibly know what others are experiencing and to try and say your opinions as facts is narrow minded

That only explains why you mentioned me being allosexual, and I'm not asking about that. This has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, especially because many asexuals are also straight (heteroromantic). I think you trying to demonise me for being straight when the topic has nothing to do with it is narrow minded. You sound like an sjw who has to intersect every single part of someone even when it's not relevant. 

[DoubleATripleA]

17 hours ago, SithGrinch said:

I'm just going to throw in my two cents.

 

This is why many of us classify grey-sexuality and demi-sexuality and all of the grey in between stuff as a "sexual spectrum" rather than an "asexual spectrum". Because they're technically sexual but so little and so infrequently and maybe in only such a very specific circumstance that they relate to asexual more than they would with normal sexuals. Because if you're asexual 99% of the time but sexual 1% of the time, it makes perfect sense you'd identify more with the 99% than with the 1%. 

I understand what you mean, but you can't be ace one period of time and sexual the next. They're just always sexual.

[DoubleATripleA]

8 hours ago, KrysLost said:

That's because it is allosexual, not ace. Not sure where you heard otherwise.

someone with common sense omg

[SithLord]

48 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

I understand what you mean, but you can't be ace one period of time and sexual the next. They're just always sexual.

As Serran explained, it isn't that easy. If you're asexual for 40 years of your life and then find that one person and only that person who you find sexually attractive, you're still not going to relate to the larger sexual society. So maybe you've "always [been] sexual", but for 40 years it didn't feel like it. You could make the argument of sexuality being a spectrum and changing over time, but then you were asexual and are now sexual so the sudden change wouldn't make you sudden want to fit in with normal sexuals. 

 

I think you're painting sexuality with a giant slap of everyone that answers anything higher than 0 sexual attraction, which is fine because, as I said, many of us agree. However, you're saying that everyone from 0.1 to 99.9 on a sexual scale should feel comfortable using the same label. As if the man who's only been attracted to one other man in his life but otherwise is attracted to women should feel comfortable with the "bisexual" label. That's a personal belief that you shouldn't force onto others.

[anisotrophic]

On 12/19/2019 at 2:51 PM, SithGrinch said:

If you're asexual for 40 years of your life and then find that one person and only that person who you find sexually attractive, you're still not going to relate to the larger sexual society.

You’re also going to be in a sad situation if that person is asexual, if you aren’t ok with rejection/celibacy when sexually attracted to someone you have a strong romantic bond with.

 

I think it’s really important to keep this distinction in mind; while there are shared experiences, demisexual + ace sounds like a *particularly* terrible combo — they are, in another way, dramatically different.

[gisiebob]

sorry your thread got hijacked by folk who are an authority on all matters of gray-asexuality. thank the gods they got common sense.

[elizabeth17]

On 12/18/2019 at 6:58 PM, aces&eights said:

Well actually this is important to the discussion. Imagine a person colour blind to the colour red. They can research it all they want, know the photon count, examine the biology of the eye BUT they still won't know what it feels like to experience red. In your case you might have researched asexuality - maybe even read every book and scientific paper, but you cannot possibly know what it feels like to experience something other than being straight allosexual. So whilst your opinion is valid you should be aware that you cannot possibly know what others are experiencing and to try and say your opinions as facts is narrow minded

hi yes hello im back!. this is an excellent explanation, but I'd add that having a super strong opinion on an identity one does not hold that invalidates that identity is NOT valid. In fact it's completely invalid. Those who use their privileged identities (straight and allo) to invalidate other folx just don't get to be validated; they need to be called the fuck out. 

[rainbowocollie]

6 hours ago, gisiebob said:

sorry your thread got hijacked by folk who are an authority on all matters of gray-asexuality. thank the gods they got common sense.

Just another day on AVEN forums~

[arymari]

I cant say for this particular case. Although for me majority of the time im cupiosexual and im demiromantic. I dont want to go kissing and cuddling unless im really close the te person first but ive fallen for a person in the past and at that time I desired sex but I did not find them sexually attractive.. but I still loved them? Sometimes that confuses me and makes me think im demisexual but im not it just makes me like having sex with them more than someone I have no feelings for because in both instances its secondary attraction which is the basis of demisexuality but it isn't for cupiosexuality. I dont know if this will help. (Unless you truly find yourself desiring your partner, and not just the act  itself then I dont know)

[NeaLK]

 Hi, I was realy struggling to understand my sexuality. I don't feel attracted to anyone unless I have known them for a long time but I still have sexual thoughts and desires but just don't feel attracted to anyone. I thought I was either cupiosexual or demisexual or both but I needed some advice. 

 

[coppersequins]

I know this is an old thread but I wanted to point out something that I think is getting lost here: an allosexual person experiences sexual attraction towards someone whether they act on it or not. Waiting to have sex with someone you find attractive until a certain period of time has passed or after an STD test or after a relationship has been established doesn't negate the fact that the sexual attraction was there the entire time.

 

An asexual person never gets there attraction wise regardless of whether they have sex with someone or not or wait a specific period of time. And a demisexual person doesn't get there until they're deeply emotionally bonded. This takes time, not just a singular conversation, but from what I understand, it isn't guaranteed that they'll develop that attraction even then. So it isn't that a demisexual person waits a certain amount of time or does certain activities before they engage in sex with someone they find attractive, they simply don't feel sexual attraction at all until/if they develop certain emotional feelings. That isn't the allosexual experience. But I do understand how misunderstanding demisexuality could make you feel as though allosexuals are being attacked or judged (i.e. the hypersexual sluts comment).

 

In summary, attraction isn't tied with action. Not for asexuals and not for allosexuals either.

[classyfungus45]

*TMI WARNING *Can anyone get specific on what makes a cupiosexual. It's not very clear to me where I lay either.  I know I'm somewhere in the ace community but I am unsure what part. I can identify with the desire for no sex at all, but I can also identify wanting a romantic relationship,  while also once in a very rare instance I actually want sex. So does that make me cupiosexual?

[rainbowocollie]

On 12/10/2022 at 10:01 AM, classyfungus45 said:

*TMI WARNING *Can anyone get specific on what makes a cupiosexual. It's not very clear to me where I lay either.  I know I'm somewhere in the ace community but I am unsure what part. I can identify with the desire for no sex at all, but I can also identify wanting a romantic relationship,  while also once in a very rare instance I actually want sex. So does that make me cupiosexual?

Cupiosexual is defined as someone who "doesn't experience sexual attraction but still wants to do the sex". You may be somewhere in the gray area, or sounds to me like you may be demisexual.