Cupiosexual/Demisexual

[DogObsessedLi]

I've generally seen myself as cupiosexual in the past, that is, I get into relationships for two main reasons: firstly for the close friendship that is societally easiest in a relationship, and secondly because I do have a libido but my body knows when it's me. That said, I always struggle to act the part towards the other person just because I'm just not into them in that way. I've recently got into a relationship largely for these reasons, and I've really bonded with him on an emotional level, something relatively rare for me, and I'm definitely thinking that my sexual attraction towards him is in proportion to this emotional bond. I could probably say the same for my ex many years ago if I'm honest, but because the occasions are so rare, it can be hard to pinpoint because I feel like I've not got much to go on. If this is demisexuality, I'm assuming that I can still use cupiosexual to explain my experience the rest of the time alongside also saying I'm demisexual?

[DoubleATripleA]

I'd say no, because demisexuality is based on the fact that you still experience sexual attraction in some way, and Cupiosexual (I assume) is based on the fact that you don't experience sexual attraction, but you still want to experience it or be in sexual relationships for reasons such as relieving your sex drive. If you experience sexual attraction, then you wouldn't be wishing to experience sexual attraction at all like Cupio Asexuals (it's just Asexual to me), but that you wish you experience sexual attraction more often.

 

Again, it's ok not to experience sexual attraction as much, not many other allosexuals, like myself, are here having sex and experiencing sexual attraction 24/7 like the media likes to portray sexual attraction and sexuality. I see demisexuality as a normal way to be allosexual, so I don't understand wanting to experience sexual attraction more often unless it's an insecurity you have where you're jealous of hypersexual allos who experience sexual attraction very often, which is a thing ofc. 

[DogObsessedLi]

34 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

I'd say no, because demisexuality is based on the fact that you still experience sexual attraction in some way, and Cupiosexual (I assume) is based on the fact that you don't experience sexual attraction, but you still want to experience it or be in sexual relationships for reasons such as relieving your sex drive. If you experience sexual attraction, then you wouldn't be wishing to experience sexual attraction at all like Cupio Asexuals (it's just Asexual to me), but that you wish you experience sexual attraction more often.

 

Again, it's ok not to experience sexual attraction as much, not many other allosexuals, like myself, are here having sex and experiencing sexual attraction 24/7 like the media likes to portray sexual attraction and sexuality. I see demisexuality as a normal way to be allosexual, so I don't understand wanting to experience sexual attraction more often unless it's an insecurity you have where you're jealous of hypersexual allos who experience sexual attraction very often, which is a thing ofc. 

But the rest of the time is no sexual attraction so would be cupiosexual. Demisexual isn't allosexual because it's only secondary attraction and not both primary and secondary attraction (which is why it's in the ace-spec area).

[DogObsessedLi]

And even though you say you "don't experience sexually attraction 24/7", you still experience it generally primarily and secondly. Demisexuality isn't just being allosexual rarely, but actually having more in common with the ace the rest of the time (when I would otherwise be in the cupio aspect of just relieving my sex drive while being in the awkward situation of actually not being very into them). 

[DogObsessedLi]

And I am getting a little fed up of allosexuals dismissing grey-As with the "we don't experience sexual attraction 24/7". It's highly unhelpful. 

[DoubleATripleA]

11 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

But the rest of the time is no sexual attraction so would be cupiosexual. Demisexual isn't allosexual because it's only secondary attraction and not both primary and secondary attraction (which is why it's in the ace-spec area).

what is primary and secondary attraction?

[elizabeth17]

37 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

I'd say no, because demisexuality is based on the fact that you still experience sexual attraction in some way, and Cupiosexual (I assume) is based on the fact that you don't experience sexual attraction, but you still want to experience it or be in sexual relationships for reasons such as relieving your sex drive. If you experience sexual attraction, then you wouldn't be wishing to experience sexual attraction at all like Cupio Asexuals (it's just Asexual to me), but that you wish you experience sexual attraction more often.

 

Again, it's ok not to experience sexual attraction as much, not many other allosexuals, like myself, are here having sex and experiencing sexual attraction 24/7 like the media likes to portray sexual attraction and sexuality. I see demisexuality as a normal way to be allosexual, so I don't understand wanting to experience sexual attraction more often unless it's an insecurity you have where you're jealous of hypersexual allos who experience sexual attraction very often, which is a thing ofc. 

ok so I'm not demisexual but suggesting demisexuality is a normal way to be allosexual isn't really acknowledging the nuances of demisexuality/identities on the ace spectrum. Demisexual people don't experience sexual attraction unless they've formed an emotional bond with a person first which can take a very long time. Versus, being allosexual, a person does experience sexual attracting (still at varying degrees and frequencies) and does not have to have an emotional connection with a person first. That's a pretty massive difference between "maintstream"/hegemonic understandings of sexuality. This incredibly restrictive version of sexuality that is visible in the public imaginary is super harmful to ace-spec people, that includes demisexual people and people who don't experience sexual attraction even with a close bond (asexual folx). So yeah I think the distinction is important. Also, being cupiosexual, while it usually understood as an ace-spec identity isn't the same thing as asexuality. Not all asexual people have a sex drive they feel like they need to relieve with sexual activities with other people. So I do think there's importance in recognizing why someone would specifically identify as cupiosexual. 

 

So to answer the original post, yeah being demi and cupiosexual seems pretty legit to me and super super valid! 

[elizabeth17]

6 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

And I am getting a little fed up of allosexuals dismissing grey-As with the "we don't experience sexual attraction 24/7". It's highly unhelpful. 

lol yep yep yep. i went on a mini rant like pardon???

[DoubleATripleA]

1 minute ago, elizabeth17 said:

ok so I'm not demisexual but suggesting demisexuality is a normal way to be allosexual isn't really acknowledging the nuances of demisexuality/identities on the ace spectrum. Demisexual people don't experience sexual attraction unless they've formed an emotional bond with a person first which can take a very long time. Versus, being allosexual, a person does experience sexual attracting (still at varying degrees and frequencies) and does not have to have an emotional connection with a person first. That's a pretty massive difference between "maintstream"/hegemonic understandings of sexuality. This incredibly restrictive version of sexuality that is visible in the public imaginary is super harmful to ace-spec people, that includes demisexual people and people who don't experience sexual attraction even with a close bond (asexual folx). So yeah I think the distinction is important. Also, being cupiosexual, while it usually understood as an ace-spec identity isn't the same thing as asexuality. Not all asexual people have a sex drive they feel like they need to relieve with sexual activities with other people. So I do think there's importance in recognizing why someone would specifically identify as cupiosexual. 

 

So to answer the original post, yeah being demi and cupiosexual seems pretty legit to me and super super valid! 

I mean I think it's silly to have separate labels for asexual like cupio and apothi - it's almost implying that 1. asexuals cannot be sex repulsed and/or 2. asexuals cannot be sex positive/need to have sex to relieve their sex drive. Why not just say Asexual in that case, if you don't experience any attraction still?

[elizabeth17]

1 minute ago, DoubleATripleA said:

what is primary and secondary attraction?

primary attraction: you could look at a person who you don't know and think o they're beautiful (aesthetic attraction). Or, for allosexual people you could look at someone and think o they're hot; i'd like to have sex with them (sexual attraction, from what I understand lol)

secondary attraction: i've become friends/acquaintences with a human and think i really enjoy this person as a friend i want to hang out with them more! (platonic attraction) For demisexual people they may develop sexual feelings after knowing someone for a while--having been attracted to them, platonically, and/or romantically (or any number of other forms of attraction). After experiencing some kind of emotional attraction to a person and usually only after experiencing that would a demi person experience sexual attraction. 

[DoubleATripleA]

9 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

And I am getting a little fed up of allosexuals dismissing grey-As with the "we don't experience sexual attraction 24/7". It's highly unhelpful. 

The reason I say this a lot is because it really seems like people think we're all hypersexual sluts. Many other allosexuals experience attraction not as often or not until they have some sort of connection emotionally - it doesn't make someone less allosexual. It's not abnormal to be demi or grey imo. 

[DoubleATripleA]

Just now, elizabeth17 said:

primary attraction: you could look at a person who you don't know and think o they're beautiful (aesthetic attraction). Or, for allosexual people you could look at someone and think o they're hot; i'd like to have sex with them (sexual attraction, from what I understand lol)

secondary attraction: i've become friends/acquaintences with a human and think i really enjoy this person as a friend i want to hang out with them more! (platonic attraction) For demisexual people they may develop sexual feelings after knowing someone for a while--having been attracted to them, platonically, and/or romantically (or any number of other forms of attraction). After experiencing some kind of emotional attraction to a person and usually only after experiencing that would a demi person experience sexual attraction. 

Right so I only want to have sex with people once I've talked to them a little bit, looks like I'm demi now? Looks like I should say I'm ace now uwu

[elizabeth17]

3 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

I mean I think it's silly to have separate labels for asexual like cupio and apothi - it's almost implying that 1. asexuals cannot be sex repulsed and/or 2. asexuals cannot be sex positive/need to have sex to relieve their sex drive. Why not just say Asexual in that case, if you don't experience any attraction still?

for some people labels are super validating and important. they communicate how one feels and what they're comfy with and can connect them to a community of other people. At the end of the day i believe sexuality is totally socially constructed, but I still identify as asexual because it connects me to a community, makes me feel seen and valid, and also i get repulsed when people hit on me/sexualize me so having a label that expresses that I'm not into sex is really important for me at least right now. I don't use other ace spectrum labels aside from asexual, but I support those who do and don't call their identities silly because they're not silly they matter. Please do not call identities/labels silly, especially as a heterosexual human who isn't ace... 

[DoubleATripleA]

1 minute ago, elizabeth17 said:

for some people labels are super validating and important. they communicate how one feels and what they're comfy with and can connect them to a community of other people. At the end of the day i believe sexuality is totally socially constructed, but I still identify as asexual because it connects me to a community, makes me feel seen and valid, and also i get repulsed when people hit on me/sexualize me so having a label that expresses that I'm not into sex is really important for me at least right now. I don't use other ace spectrum labels aside from asexual, but I support those who do and don't call their identities silly because they're not silly they matter. Please do not call identities/labels silly, especially as a heterosexual human who isn't ace... 

It's not my fault if people get upset because of my opinion of microlabels. Also, what does me being straight have anything to do with this? 

[elizabeth17]

2 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

Right so I only want to have sex with people once I've talked to them a little bit, looks like I'm demi now? Looks like I should say I'm ace now uwu

this is just not the space for you to ask asexual people educate you. As a straight allosexual please educate yourself. Invalidating someone's ace identity is super not ok. And then, demanding other ace people educate you about their identities while you invalidate them is absurdly hurtful. If you want to educate yourself on this I recommend watching Ash Hardell's three part series on ace identities; they explain all these things very well with help from actual ace humans. Or, post questions on threads of this website for partners/family members trying to understand. Not here where people are trying to figure out their asexual identities. As an allo person idk what you're even doing replying

[DogObsessedLi]

15 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

Right so I only want to have sex with people once I've talked to them a little bit, looks like I'm demi now? Looks like I should say I'm ace now uwu

But you still have primary sexual attraction. You obviously don't understand, so why are you stating your misunderstandings here? If you don't understand a topic, please don't derail a post just because of your opinions that are actually based on misconceptions. Thanks.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

Right so I only want to have sex with people once I've talked to them a little bit, looks like I'm demi now? Looks like I should say I'm ace now uwu

Alright, time for a grey-sexual to step in. Demisexuality is actually uncommon for the populace (using it because it's what applies best to me). It takes several years for me to be attracted to one person. The time it takes to slowly build an intimate bond is quite long. Yes some microlabels sound silly outside of Aven but mods on here are going to kick your ass if you keep this up. I should know. 

[DoubleATripleA]

8 minutes ago, elizabeth17 said:

this is just not the space for you to ask asexual people educate you. As a straight allosexual please educate yourself. Invalidating someone's ace identity is super not ok. And then, demanding other ace people educate you about their identities while you invalidate them is absurdly hurtful. If you want to educate yourself on this I recommend watching Ash Hardell's three part series on ace identities; they explain all these things very well with help from actual ace humans. Or, post questions on threads of this website for partners/family members trying to understand. Not here where people are trying to figure out their asexual identities. As an allo person idk what you're even doing replying

I'm pretty sure not educating non aces will only hurt asexual awareness in the long run? Also, I am allowed to reply to any post, it's not restricted or anything. And the person in question is what I'd class as allosexual, soo

 

Also what does me being straight specifically have to do with anything? Just because I'm not bi, or gay or demi like other allos doesn't mean I'm suddenly wrong or that my opinion is less important. I don't yell at alloromantics for sharing their opinion just because they're alloromantic. 

 

Also I've watched Ash hardell's videos on the topic, and many others, and I still don't understand how you can have sexual attraction and be asexual. It even says so on the AVEN homepage that asexuals have no sexual attraction.  http://www.asexuality.org

[DoubleATripleA]

3 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

But you still have primary sexual attraction. You obviously don't understand, so why are you stating your misunderstandings here? If you don't understand a topic, please don't derail a post just because of your opinions that are actually based on misconceptions. Thanks.

How do you know I have primary sexual attraction? I've only mentioned having secondary sexual attraction? 

 

Idk maybe I want to learn more about it, so I express my misunderstanding, and then see if anyone can help me understand. 

[Gnome.1]

21 minutes ago, DoubleATripleA said:

Right so I only want to have sex with people once I've talked to them a little bit, looks like I'm demi now? Looks like I should say I'm ace now uwu

Seriously, are we having this conversation again? 

[DoubleATripleA]

4 minutes ago, KrysLost said:

Alright, time for a grey-sexual to step in. Demisexuality is actually uncommon for the populace (using it because it's what applies best to me). It takes several years for me to be attracted to one person. The time it takes to slowly build an intimate bond is quite long. Yes some microlabels sound silly outside of Aven but mods on here are going to kick your ass if you keep this up. I should know. 

so I see this as an uncommon version of being allosexual, not asexual.

[DogObsessedLi]

1 minute ago, DoubleATripleA said:

I'm pretty sure not educating non aces will only hurt asexual awareness in the long run? Also, I am allowed to reply to any post, it's not restricted or anything. And the person in question is what I'd class as allosexual, soo

 

Also what does me being straight specifically have to do with anything? Just because I'm not bi, or gay or demi like other allos doesn't mean I'm suddenly wrong or that my opinion is less important. I don't yell at alloromantics for sharing their opinion just because they're alloromantic. 

 

Also I've watched Ash hardell's videos on the topic, and many others, and I still don't understand how you can have sexual attraction and be asexual. It even says so on the AVEN homepage that asexuals have no sexual attraction.  http://www.asexuality.org

And who are you to label me as allosexual WITHOUT knowing my experience first hand. That is the ultimate in dismissive. And most partners I've been with would actually say I'm definitely not allosexual. 

[DoubleATripleA]

Just now, DogObsessedLianne said:

And who are you to label me as allosexual WITHOUT knowing my experience first hand. That is the ultimate in dismissive. And most partners I've been with would actually say I'm definitely not allosexual. 

because you experience sexual attraction, which is what being allosexual is. You can still be demisexual, but it's not asexual.

 

Then how come your partners were allowed to say what they thought of your sexuality if they didn't experience it first hand and I suddenly cannot just because I didn't say you were ace? Isn't that just being hypocritical?

[DogObsessedLi]

1 minute ago, DoubleATripleA said:

because you experience sexual attraction, which is what being allosexual is. You can still be demisexual, but it's not asexual.

 

Then how come your partners were allowed to say what they thought of your sexuality if they didn't experience it first hand and I suddenly cannot just because I didn't say you were ace? Isn't that just being hypocritical?

I was saying if you asked them (in theory) that is. I'm not getting involved with you on here any longer as you have just derailed my thread in a very arrogant manner. 

[DoubleATripleA]

3 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

I was saying if you asked them (in theory) that is. I'm not getting involved with you on here any longer as you have just derailed my thread in a very arrogant manner. 

Idk how I was being arrogant but go off I guess XD

[Guest]

I technically fit demisexual - only ever experienced sexual attraction to one person (in 33 years) and only after a long time (6 months of dating, several years of knowing). However, I tend to just go by sexual because.. I experience sexual attraction, even though it's very rare. And, now that I am married to this person, there isn't a lot separating me and any other married person. We have regular sex, we find each other sexually attractive. The fact she's the only person doesn't much matter, since most monogamous marriages are a singular sexual partner anyways. And since I experience sexual attraction I can't be asexual (no sexual attraction).

 

However, under spectrum, it's grey and grey some people call ace.. which I personally don't, but for some reason its a catch all for every grey identity. So, that's how people use it. 

 

But, given demi literally means ace except after an emotional bond forms... saying cupio and demi seems a bit redundant? 

 

 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

@DogObsessedLianne Honestly, IRL, you're gonna have to explain what you mean anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much about finding the perfect label.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

From what I've seen @DoubleATripleA has some type of problem with gray-a/sexuals or terms, and hasn't been very considerate in his approach. It's fine to have opinions, but the labels can be very important to some people, and talking about it all in an invalidating way is quite rude for people on this site, who feel different or lost about some things and gain from understanding labels that fit with them and help them connect with others who may feel the same.

[aces&eights]

2 hours ago, DoubleATripleA said:

Also what does me being straight specifically have to do with anything?

Well actually this is important to the discussion. Imagine a person colour blind to the colour red. They can research it all they want, know the photon count, examine the biology of the eye BUT they still won't know what it feels like to experience red. In your case you might have researched asexuality - maybe even read every book and scientific paper, but you cannot possibly know what it feels like to experience something other than being straight allosexual. So whilst your opinion is valid you should be aware that you cannot possibly know what others are experiencing and to try and say your opinions as facts is narrow minded :) 

[SithLord]

5 hours ago, DoubleATripleA said:

so I see this as an uncommon version of being allosexual, not asexual.

I'm just going to throw in my two cents.

 

This is why many of us classify grey-sexuality and demi-sexuality and all of the grey in between stuff as a "sexual spectrum" rather than an "asexual spectrum". Because they're technically sexual but so little and so infrequently and maybe in only such a very specific circumstance that they relate to asexual more than they would with normal sexuals. Because if you're asexual 99% of the time but sexual 1% of the time, it makes perfect sense you'd identify more with the 99% than with the 1%.