Whore*of*Mensa Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 11 minutes ago, anisotrophic said: He did not. Are you inventing this to engage in blaming someone? On 12/18/2019 at 6:18 PM, Gwent said: From the beginning he told me he was asexual, Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 21 minutes ago, anisotrophic said: He did not. Are you inventing this to engage in blaming someone? OP does say he did say asexual from the start. But he also said she was the only one to spark things in him. So I can see how she might have thought she was the "exception" for his aceness...but aces can get wrapped up in limerence and sex becomes easier until that fades. So, probably was excited for the first time to be able to feel something... then limerence faded and we are left with an ace. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 Ok, yes, I think I understood the part about “only one to spark this” as saying he wasn’t really — that he was actually demi. Not asexual for her. I think behavior like that is really misleading. I understand it’s not intended, but it absolutely does mislead people in a really bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Whore*of*Mensa Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 38 minutes ago, Serran said: OP does say he did say asexual from the start. But he also said she was the only one to spark things in him. So I can see how she might have thought she was the "exception" for his aceness...but aces can get wrapped up in limerence and sex becomes easier until that fades. So, probably was excited for the first time to be able to feel something... then limerence faded and we are left with an ace. Which is exactly why I thought that reading up on asexuality could have been useful, as it’s a common occurrence Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 I took "from the beginning he told me he was asexual, but that he was not opposed to sex" to mean classic sex-neutral asexual. It sounds like he was fairly unsure himself about if he was possibly demisexual (we see this all the time here, especially with sex-neutrals). He could have done better clarifying his uncertainty, she could have done better researching asexuality. That's why I don't see a lot of help looking to the past to appropriate responsibility. It's the responsibility of both to be compassionate to the other and change the dynamic in the present. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I think the phrase “ you should know, that I am asexual” sounds like this in the ears of most (of us) sexuals: “I am not so comfortable with sex. I am a bit shy and afraid that you migth think I am boring. Dont expect me to swing in chandeliers, strip or gangbang you buddies, but given the rigth circumstances... sex will be nice and fun!” Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 15 hours ago, MrDane said: I think the phrase “ you should know, that I am asexual” sounds like this in the ears of most (of us) sexuals: “I am not so comfortable with sex. I am a bit shy and afraid that you migth think I am boring. Dont expect me to swing in chandeliers, strip or gangbang you buddies, but given the rigth circumstances... sex will be nice and fun!” Mmmm. Well. That's ignorance on the part of sexuals and not really the aces fault, if they give forewarning, that is all they can do. If the sexual chooses wishful thinking over it, they did give warning. Hopefully the conversation goes a bit further than just I'm asexual and into discussing it (the one guy I dated when I thought I was ace and came out to early in ... even we discussed it in some length, even on the 3rd date after only knowing each other for a few weeks). But the OP didn't just get told their partner was ace. But, that they were the first person to stir sexual feelings in their partner. That can be confusing to hear alongside it. And I can understand why you would feel like an exception to the ace thing by being told that. That's what I told my wife, because she was and we have a regular sex life now cause of it. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 4:30 PM, Serran said: Mmmm. Well. That's ignorance on the part of sexuals and not really the aces fault, if they give forewarning, that is all they can do. If the sexual chooses wishful thinking over it, they did give warning. Hopefully the conversation goes a bit further than just I'm asexual and into discussing it (the one guy I dated when I thought I was ace and came out to early in ... even we discussed it in some length, even on the 3rd date after only knowing each other for a few weeks). But the OP didn't just get told their partner was ace. But, that they were the first person to stir sexual feelings in their partner. That can be confusing to hear alongside it. And I can understand why you would feel like an exception to the ace thing by being told that. That's what I told my wife, because she was and we have a regular sex life now cause of it. Yes, ignorance and not the aces fault. But also quite understandable, that a sentence can be wrongfully used and lose its clear meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Switters Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 On 12/19/2019 at 5:18 AM, Gwent said: I have been in a relationship for 4 years with the love of my life. When I saw him it was love at first sight. We clicked instantly. From the beginning he told me he was asexual, but that he was not opposed to sex. He told me when we did it he enjoyed the feeling, it was fun, and he liked seeing the expressions on my face. He told me I was the only one that had ever been able to get him hard, and when I wore lingerie for the first time he looked at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world. Then things started to deteriorate. He started to pull back when I made advances, reacted negatively when I tried to look beautiful and sexy, and had very negative reactions when I asked for sex and intimacy. Then he told me he doesn’t actually like sex, he was pushing himself to please me, and it was hurting him. I feel like I was lied to. This wasn’t at all what he told me, what he showed me, before. I threw out all of my lingerie because it hurt just looking at it and the memories associated with them felt tainted. I feel like all the times he told me I was special and different from other people he dated was a lie and it makes me feel ugly and hurt. We kept trying though. We went to therapy, bought hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys to make sex “easier” on him (which made me feel like he didn’t even want to touch me), we talk things out, he tried viagra and testosterone, I tried having a friend with benefits, and now we’re at a point where there is no sex at all. The most intimacy I get from him are hugs, kisses, and cuddling occasionally. He’s perfectly happy with that and now I’m expected to make the changes, to figure out if having an open relationship would help me, masterbate more, something but it’s all me that has to change when I have pushed myself to the breaking point for him. Every time I get rejected I feel like I don’t matter, my needs don’t matter, that I compromise for him but I’m not worth compromising for, and like my throat is tight and my chest feels like someone stepped on it. I end up crying every time. And I do know that no means no so I do back off. Even with all that we still love each other. I love the feeling of his arms around me and the way he smells even when he’s sweaty XD! I love seeing him smile and hearing his laugh. I love the feeling of making him happy. When he’s asleep I stare at him because he’s just so precious to me, like a total creeper. We talk for hours, like all the same things, are always there to support each other, and we can’t help but say “I love you” a million times a day even after all this time. I’m still totally in love with him and I can’t imagine my future without him. But I don’t know what to do anymore! What can we do to make each other happy? What do I do when sex isn’t just sex to me but a part of expressing and feeling love? How can I satisfy my own needs? Are there ways to compromise when he doesn’t want to do anything sexual? Is it possible to find a way for him to satisfy my needs while not having him feel terrible? How do we make this work? (And we both want to make our relationship work.) I’m desperately looking for options and solutions that don’t involve breaking up. I have no answers. I figured out after four years with my wife she was asexual. She is ok with me going outside for my needs but I love her and can't have sex without a real connection. This worries me because I don't want to break our bond which keeps growing. I have tried porn but its so shallow and unsatisfying and memory feels like cheating. So I'm not sure what to do either. I have placed ads but just can't follow through with it even though my wife supports it. But the "skin hunger" of my partner still remains. Sucks to be us Link to post Share on other sites
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