Sexual Woman Desperate for Options/Solutions

[Gwent]

I have been in a relationship for 4 years with the love of my life. When I saw him it was love at first sight. We clicked instantly. From the beginning he told me he was asexual, but that he was not opposed to sex. He told me when we did it he enjoyed the feeling, it was fun, and he liked seeing the expressions on my face. He told me I was the only one that had ever been able to get him hard, and when I wore lingerie for the first time he looked at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world.

 

Then things started to deteriorate. He started to pull back when I made advances, reacted negatively when I tried to look beautiful and sexy, and had very negative reactions when I asked for sex and intimacy. Then he told me he doesn’t actually like sex, he was pushing himself to please me, and it was hurting him. I feel like I was lied to. This wasn’t at all what he told me, what he showed me, before. I threw out all of my lingerie because it hurt just looking at it and the memories associated with them felt tainted. I feel like all the times he told me I was special and different from other people he dated was a lie and it makes me feel ugly and hurt.

 

We kept trying though. We went to therapy, bought hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys to make sex “easier” on him (which made me feel like he didn’t even want to touch me), we talk things out, he tried viagra and testosterone, I tried having a friend with benefits, and now we’re at a point where there is no sex at all. The most intimacy I get from him are hugs, kisses, and cuddling occasionally. He’s perfectly happy with that and now I’m expected to make the changes, to figure out if having an open relationship would help me, masterbate more, something but it’s all me that has to change when I have pushed myself to the breaking point for him. Every time I get rejected I feel like I don’t matter, my needs don’t matter, that I compromise for him but I’m not worth compromising for, and like my throat is tight and my chest feels like someone stepped on it. I end up crying every time. And I do know that no means no so I do back off.

 

Even with all that we still love each other. I love the feeling of his arms around me and the way he smells even when he’s sweaty XD! I love seeing him smile and hearing his laugh. I love the feeling of making him happy. When he’s asleep I stare at him because he’s just so precious to me, like a total creeper. We talk for hours, like all the same things, are always there to support each other, and we can’t help but say “I love you” a million times a day even after all this time. I’m still totally in love with him and I can’t imagine my future without him.

 

But I don’t know what to do anymore! What can we do to make each other happy? What do I do when sex isn’t just sex to me but a part of expressing and feeling love? How can I satisfy my own needs? Are there ways to compromise when he doesn’t want to do anything sexual? Is it possible to find a way for him to satisfy my needs while not having him feel terrible? How do we make this work? (And we both want to make our relationship work.) I’m desperately looking for options and solutions that don’t involve breaking up.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Unfortunately, sometimes the outcome we most fear is its inevitable conclusion.

 

Its not unusual for aces to feign enjoying sex, especially at the start of a relationship because aces also face that possibility that if they dont put out so to speak, they will be left for another. But as things progress, the pressure sort of drops and in cases like this, the problems start growing. 

 

Also, the sex = love is something that many aces (and sexuals alike) struggle with because it depends solely on the people involve. To some sex is just sex to others love with sex is love and others still believe that sex is not required to show love.

 

If this has been going on for a while, my take on it is that it will follows Murphys law: Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. Its not reassuring I know, but at times, no matter how much you hammer at it, things just dont work in the long run.

 

[appleseedy]

i have nothing to offer save a heartfelt hug, welcome to AVEN and i hope you find the answers you need.

 

what would compromise look like for you? how do you compromise? how would you like him to compromise?

If sex is painful for him that might out of the question

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Gwent

I’m very sorry you were lied to and lured into this relationship under false pretenses.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what you hope to get from us here – there is no miracle solution to overcome sexual incompatibility.

 

You can:

1. accept that there will be no mutually enjoyable sex in your relationships

2. break up and look for love elsewhere

3. redefine this relationship to something more friendship-like (where you can hug, make each other laugh etc. but don’t expect to be each other’s Everything).

 

It’s a sad myth that love fixes problems or that loved ones can satisfy us completely. At some point you just have to weigh the good against the bad and decide whether the relationship is worth it.

[thyristor]

54 minutes ago, Gwent said:

 I feel like I was lied to. This wasn’t at all what he told me, what he showed me, before. [...] I feel like all the times he told me I was special and different from other people he dated was a lie and it makes me feel ugly and hurt.

It's a good thing to word out your feelings I guess. Just be aware, that feelings are reactions that pass by, they are not always mirroring facts. It's also a good thing if your partner knows that you feel like he lied to you, but you might want to make sure he also knows that you know he didn't mean to lie to you, what he said back then could well have been the deepest truth of his life. He might have been thrilled himself for those feelings towards your body, which he never had experienced towards anyone before.

 

54 minutes ago, Gwent said:

We kept trying though. We went to therapy, bought hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys to make sex “easier” on him (which made me feel like he didn’t even want to touch me), we talk things out, he tried viagra and testosterone, I tried having a friend with benefits,

Well, looks like he also has pushed himself to the breaking point for you.

 

54 minutes ago, Gwent said:

Every time I get rejected I feel like I don’t matter, my needs don’t matter, that I compromise for him but I’m not worth compromising for, and like my throat is tight and my chest feels like someone stepped on it.

I hear you. In my relationship that lasted for nine years, I was the one rejecting him time after time, and he was wilking like a flower without water. I knew that having sex with him would be the sole thing I needed to do to show him love. Sadly I also actually did not love him enough. That meant I couldn't juse the satisfaction of making him happy in order to enjoy the sex. If only I had loved him, it would have been fine for me, I believe (will never know for sure thogh).

 

54 minutes ago, Gwent said:

Even with all that we still love each other.

Sounds like you both should charish that relationship.

 

54 minutes ago, Gwent said:

can we do to make each other happy?

I'm not sure, but one thought that comes to mind is

Spoiler

if you masturbate in front of him? As in, he doesn't need to get hard, but he can enjoy seeing you happy? But I guess you've already tried that. How does he usually express his love? Is it anything you can combine with masturbating?

 

[Fox97]

In this case or scenario I think an open relationship may be good. Really talk it out with him as you described above because you too have needs and they deserve to be met! If he loves you and wants it to work he will be willing to listen and possibly even try. It will be a tough conversation, but I really think it needs to be had because you are becoming dissatisfied. 

[thyristor]

8 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

 welcome to AVEN and i hope you find the answers you need.

Oh, yapp, very much welcome! Let me share a cake with you, which is the usual way to welcome people here:

Spoiler

 

[Lara Black]

1 minute ago, Fox97 said:

If he loves you and wants it to work he will be willing to listen and possibly even try. 

Open relationships aren’t for everybody… far from it. All people in them must be pretty special to handle the situation, and, sadly, often they create much more problems than they solve.

[Gwent]

43 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

i have nothing to offer save a heartfelt hug, welcome to AVEN and i hope you find the answers you need.

 

what would compromise look like for you? how do you compromise? how would you like him to compromise?

If sex is painful for him that might out of the question

 

43 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

i have nothing to offer save a heartfelt hug, welcome to AVEN and i hope you find the answers you need.

 

what would compromise look like for you? how do you compromise? how would you like him to compromise?

If sex is painful for him that might out of the question

I wish a compromise would be that I ask if he’s ok with sex and he says yes or no, but it’s not always no and he doesn’t feel bad afterwards. A schedule would also work for me, but so far neither has worked. Even when he told me all I had to do was ask it didn’t work.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think it's important to find ways to fulfill your needs without feeling bad about it, and your partner should understand that you have those needs and that it's ok (easier if it's just masturbation). An asexual-sexual relationship has its challenges. There might be other languages of love you can also use, like sensuality in stead of sexuality. It always depends on the other person too of course. It can be good to communicate and come to understand each other more, and find ways to make it work, which is easier when there's love

Sorry if I missed something. Didn't have time to read carefully. Good luck tho ❤️

[appleseedy]

2 minutes ago, Gwent said:

 

I wish a compromise would be that I ask if he’s ok with sex and he says yes or no, but it’s not always no and he doesn’t feel bad afterwards. 

if sex is out of the question is sexual activity? not saying you should answer that online  but maybe discuss sexual options with your SO other than sex. If someone asked me to compromise and that compromise caused me pain or distress i might describe that as capitulation?

[Gwent]

3 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

if sex is out of the question is sexual activity? not saying you should answer that online  but maybe discuss sexual options with your SO other than sex. If someone asked me to compromise and that compromise caused me pain or distress i might describe that as capitulation?

What do you mean sexual activity?

[appleseedy]

Spoiler

well i am asexual but have always enjoyed using fingers and tongue

*tries to figure out how to hide content and add disclaimer for TMI*

[thyristor]

7 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

 *tries to figure out how to hide content and add disclaimer for TMI*

You click the eye symbol just at the top of the box you're writing in. A box pops up inside the box, and there you put your content. It will be hidden when you post it. It's sometimes called a 'spoiler'.

 

A disclaimer is just a line you write in plain words just above the spoiler.

 

Edit: and below your posted post you can see the link "Edit", if you care to still hide it.

[Gwent]

10 minutes ago, appleseedy said:

well i am asexual but have always enjoyed using fingers and tongue *tries to figure out how to hide content and add disclaimer for TMI*

I know he doesn’t like the touching aspect of sex. Especially things like fingering and oral. I kinda wonder if he has such a strong aversion to it because he pushed so hard. Maybe he has a negative association . Idk.

[appleseedy]

maybe something to talk about

[uhtred]

@Gwent I"m sorry you are in this situation.  Its extremely difficult. You were in fact "lied to" if he pretended to enjoy sex that he didn't . In an ideal world he would continue to pretend - if he could do so in order to marry you, he should continue - but he can't. 

 

 

I've been in a mixed marriage for over 30 years now, and I'm sorry to say that it never gets better.   The sexual person never loses their desire, the asexual never gains it 

 

Some couples can find a happy compromise, but many (including me) end up in a situation where the sexual is still feeling sex starved, while the asexula is feeling pressured.  The sexual never gets to be "desired", just some form of duty sex. 

 

My advice from my experience is to give up hope.  Hope is a killer - any time something sexual happens, its so easy to believe that its "all better", it isn't.   Get separate bedrooms. Nothing is more miserable than lying awake next to the person you love and desire - just a few inches away, but unreachable.  

 

He has already turned down compromise, so don't expect that to happen.  You don't want to pressure him anyway - sex from someone who doesn't want it, isn't fun, it will just leave you feeling dirty. 

 

So you have a choice of extremely unpleasant options. 

 

1) Alternate sex: open marriage,  maybe develop a porn / vibrator addiction.  Have some sort of sex life that doesn't involve your husband.

2) Live like a nun without sex. 

3) Divorce.

 

Wretched choices.  Personally I would recommend divorce.   Let each of you find a compatible partner. 

 

 

[uhtred]

One other thing: DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

 

Sadly this sometimes happens - the man who doesn't want sex will pretend again for a while - an the woman is so happy to finally be desired that she isn't careful.  Then she is trapped.  (happens with genders reversed as well).  Its a terrible trick - but not much of a step beyond pretending to enjoy sex in order to get married.

 

btw - I have no problem at all with people who are asexual. I do have a problem with people who knowingly lie in order to trap someone in a relationship / marriage. 

[Sally]

On 12/18/2019 at 12:37 PM, Gwent said:

I know he doesn’t like the touching aspect of sex. Especially things like fingering and oral. I kinda wonder if he has such a strong aversion to it because he pushed so hard. Maybe he has a negative association . Idk.

I had sex I didn't like in order to please my partners.  The negative association comes from having sex you didn't want -- it's really that simple.   

[Memento1]

Am I the only one who thinks he wasn't lying?  I think it's very possible for an asexual to feel different abut sex over time.  I went from sex-repulsed to sex-neutral/positive, and I know many others have gone from neutral to repulsed as they've felt more and more pressured.

 

First off, I'm very very sorry for what you've been through, Gwent.  I'm sorry you feel so hurt, helpless, unwanted, and discouraged.  Those are common feelings in sexual / asexual relationships, on both sides, and it's painful all around.

 

This is only my own personal viewpoint and experience, but anxiety is a libido-killer, and asexuals usually feel anxiety about sex.  The result being the more they feel pressured to have sex, the more they want to be sexual and please their partner, the more anxious they feel and the less they want to.  It destroys what little libido there may have been.  What may start as a mixed-libido / sex-positive experience turns more and more repulsed the more they feel guilty/broken/anxious.  It's probably too far along that path now to reverse the association and the effects.  Anything remotely sexual now triggers intense shame/anxiety feelings.  I usually recommend some therapies to reduce sexual anxiety, but when there's been years of built-up shame, even light pressure to explore middle-ground is overwhelming.  It seems counter-intuitive but the best chance of him growing any sexual feelings is to not feel any pressure at all to be sexual.

 

There's only a few options for staying married in these situations, and they're all outside-the-box (I would grieve any option that involves him having more sex / enjoying sex).  Most involve some sort of open relationship where you satisfy your sexual needs outside the relationship (that comes with its own host of potential problems, but there's a few people on this board who have done it).  Honestly, it hurts to say but sometimes the best solution is divorcing but staying very close and loving.  The bitterness, shame, guilt, and hurt is what will kill this relationship and poison anything good in it, and it will only get worse if nothing changes.

 

Again, this is all my own opinion, and I could be very wrong, going off a limited second-hand account.  I wish I could offer more solutions, but there are not any easy solutions.  I hope both of you are talking to each other/friends/therapists about your feelings, because you deserve to be heard, understood, and validated.  It's a difficult place you're in but I do believe there is hope.

[MrDane]

I can easily understand, how it can turn this way. In the beginning it was fun and exciting for OP’s partner. He enjoyed looking at her, while she wore fancy lingerie. ...but was he turned on? Guess not! Perhaps the big issue here is, that OP thinks ‘sexy’ is a positive word. He migth not and could, over time, have become a bit bored with it. Perhaps her enthusiasm even triggers more boredom in him.

Like:

”Look, it is the 100th time, you show me this part of your body covered in expensive, strange designed cloth. It is like telling the same joke and expecting me to laugh every time!”

”Let me try to tell you the same joke, while posing naked?”

 

 

 

[SincereOne]

Until I turned 22, I was as asexual as anyone could possibly be. At 22, I met the love of my life; it was long distance but when we were together, we were inseparable and completely addicted to eachother physically/emotionally/sexually. Personally, I have always disliked masterbation, however when apart from my significant other it was tough because she had needs and she also wanted to keep me interested sexually (though I wouldn't have ever strayed, considering my complete lack of attraction towards anyone else). It may sound a bit crude of a solution, but if you were to encourage sexual acts with your significant other and not be deterred by his rejections, it will make him more comfortable all-together and remove some of the negative feelings associated with sexual acts. In my opinion, agreeing to record videos and using those videos for masterbation between the two of you will help your relationship stay as strong as it always was. Inviting outside factors (like porn or an open relationship) is likely to hurt him and you with the thoughts of "I'm not good enough".

 

Anyways, him being open to being asexual with you and also being completely attached to you shows you his love, don't think this is because of a lack of his attraction; it isn't. This mindset will only push him away and make him feel shameful for his sexuality, keep your lingerie, continue with the affection, he loves you; removing your faith in him will lead to him not loving himself. Relationships are based on a middle ground and lifting eachother up, not disregarding the other's feelings. You can talk about it with him too, and if he can't perform, give him a hug and smile. There is always the future.

 

Things will turn out amazing if you stay strong.

 

He has got to be struggling inside, I was in this position before and things seemed impossible because of my self hatred, feeling as if I could never make her happy.

 

Trust and believe him.

 

-Best regards

 

P.S. There is some REALLY terrible advice within this thread. Follow your heart, the people saying these negative things seem to have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, using negative biasness as their standing-ground. There's no reason for either of you to be hurt if you truly love eachother. 

[Marlow1]

@Gwent

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/a-guide-to-maintaining-a-healthy-sex-drive/

 

 

[Dawning]

On 12/24/2019 at 10:57 AM, Memento1 said:

Am I the only one who thinks he wasn't lying?  I think it's very possible for an asexual to feel different abut sex over time.  I went from sex-repulsed to sex-neutral/positive, and I know many others have gone from neutral to repulsed as they've felt more and more pressured.

That was exactly my reaction to reading this unfortunate story!  @Gwent with all the other wild emotions in this situation, unless he has actually admitted that he deceived you in some way, it would serve both of you better for you to stop adding that complaint to the mix... And even if he DID deceive you, if you honestly want to save the relationship you have GOT to get over it.

 

Another thing you need to understand is; he is NOT rejecting you. You have no idea how nasty sexual contact that is totally undesired feels; THAT is what he's rejecting, not you. He's acting in self-defense, and it sounds like he's gone through quite a bit of effort to make things work with you even though you want things from him that he can't tolerate.

 

And another thing; there's no indication that your needs don't matter, this is a case of your needs being painful for him. If one of your needs was to kick him in the balls, and he declined, would you understand that a little bit better? Sex can be just that horrifying to an asexual person. How about HIS need to not feel sexually assaulted? (Sound harsh? If the genders were reversed here, if a man came on this forum talking about constantly trying to pressure and persuade an asexual woman to have sex that she made it very clear she didn't want, what would we say?)

 

One of the most horrible aspects of traditional relationship or sexual therapy is to always make the woman at fault, such that if the woman and the man want different frequencies or different kinds of sex, whatever the woman wanted was always wrong, and she had to do more or less or different in order to please the man. Even worse, if he had any sexual dysfunction, she was also to blame for that, and had to totally change what she was doing, whether she wanted to or not, to fix HIS dysfunction.  With that in mind, with great reluctance, I feel compelled to say… you are a part of the problem here. It sounds like, in your eagerness for more sex, you asked him too often, pushed him too hard, and threw too much exotic stuff at him. And then, to top it off, you've gotten wildly upset, which is understandable of course, but that kind of female emotional intensity can turn even a sexual man away from sex.

 

I don't know if there's any chance that his previous willingness to have sexual contact with you will ever come back; it might not. But it MIGHT! If you really think he's worth the effort, then you'll have to do something really difficult; STOP! Stop bombarding him with your sexuality. Don't initiate any sort of physical contact with him. Not even affectionate contact. If HE initiates affectionate contact, reciprocate in kind, but no more than that; if he holds your hand, don't take that as an invitation to wrap yourself around him to "cuddle" for an hour. Stop talking about it. If he brings it up, casually say "I think we've talked it to death for now, let's just leave it alone for a bit." Hide the sex toys. Hide your masturbation as well; it can feel like pressure to him. Don't parade around half-dressed, put on movies with lots of sex, or anything else that he might perceive as being pushed towards getting physical. Don't TELL him that you're going to do this, just do it. If he asks you about the change, tell him the truth; you think your relationship needs a breather from the sexuality issue. Just that, no more discussion.

 

And then… you wait. I couldn't give you even the wildest guess as to when his little flicker of interest in sexual contact with you might come back… weeks, months, years? If you give him a totally no-pressure situation for as long as you can stand it, and the situation is not improving, all you can do is break up. It sounds like you've tried everything else, so go into this realizing that this is your last chance, unless there's some other aspect to the situation that you're not aware of that might suddenly change… something else that killed it for him, like medication he's been taking, a loved one passing away, even overwhelming stress at work.

 

If this DOES work, don't look at it as an invitation for a free-for-all! Let him feel safe to touch you without you going off the deep end. Exchange foot rubs. Get a rubber ducky and take a fun bubble bath together. Make out just for as long as the commercials last. Build up gradually. If this is really what you want, then it will be worth the wait. Best of luck to you!

[anisotrophic]

On 12/24/2019 at 10:57 AM, Memento1 said:

Am I the only one who thinks he wasn't lying?

I don't think people said he was lying. The OP said it *felt* like a lie, not that he'd deliberately deceived. I think @uhtred also clearly reflected this distinction by putting "lied to" in quotes.

 

I think it's important to recognize that people can feel "lied to" due to miscommunication without that being a deliberate lie, while still a valid sense of having being horribly misled. Which is what happened.

 

Misleading someone doesn't need to be intentional. Sometimes we accidentally hurt others; that does not absolve us of responsibility of recognizing our role, and feeling remorse or responsibility for someone being unfairly harmed by our mistakes.

 

Forming a loving romantic bond, having sex, and then rejecting someone and telling them it's repulsive: that's a major harm, it's not fair to treat someone like that, even if it wasn't intentional.

 

2 hours ago, Dawning said:

If one of your needs was to kick him in the balls, and he declined, would you understand that a little bit better?

This is a ridiculous comparison. This is so completely devoid of empathy for sexuality and its connection to love -- which the OP clearly expressed -- I can only ask you step away from trying to give sexual people advice.

 

I think @Memento1’s advice was sadly sound. The solution here is likely to part ways, as partners, but be friends. Not to keep trying, nor to sacrifice yourself by waiting and "removing pressure" for something that might never change. The situation sounds really sad, I can only say that it sounds terribly unfair for @Gwent to have ended up here. Life isn't fair, it can have horrible and painful accidents of fate.

 

I'm going to quote the @Memento1’s conclusion, because I think it was the painful truth,

 

On 12/24/2019 at 10:57 AM, Memento1 said:

Honestly, it hurts to say but sometimes the best solution is divorcing but staying very close and loving.  The bitterness, shame, guilt, and hurt is what will kill this relationship and poison anything good in it, and it will only get worse if nothing changes.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Dawning said:

if a man came on this forum talking about constantly trying to pressure and persuade an asexual woman to have sex that she made it very clear she didn't want, what would we say?

If he wrote,

 

On 12/18/2019 at 10:18 AM, Gwent said:

What do I do when sex isn’t just sex to me but a part of expressing and feeling love?

I would give the same advice. This isn't about a physical need, it's emotional, it's connected to how one experiences and expresses love.
 

I'm crossing the divide. I've sacrificed my ability to cry, but I still experience emotional pain. And while my sexuality has changed, I can report sex is still very much connected to my experience of love.

 

I do think rejection was harder to receive as a woman. It's hard to know how much of this was my own adjustments vs. hormonal changes.

[Memento1]

6 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I don't think people said he was lying. The OP said it *felt* like a lie, not that he'd deliberately deceived. I think @uhtred also clearly reflected this distinction by putting "lied to" in quotes.

 

I think it's important to recognize that people can feel "lied to" due to miscommunication without that being a deliberate lie, while still a valid sense of having being horribly misled. Which is what happened.

 

Misleading someone doesn't need to be intentional. Sometimes we accidentally hurt others; that does not absolve us of responsibility of recognizing our role, and feeling remorse or responsibility for someone being unfairly harmed by our mistakes.

I don't think some of the responses were clear about the distinction between lied to and felt lied to.  It is notoriously hard to decipher intent with text alone, so it's fair we came to different conclusions.  I did not say she had no right to feel betrayed, and I am not absolving him of any responsibility here.  I apologize if it sounded invalidating.  I did not mean to imply that that made her feelings of pain and betrayal invalid; I think it is still very valid, real, natural, and he should care.  Intentional versus unintentional harm is about thoughts, not feelings.  You're correct I should have been clear about the distinction.

[Memento1]

@Dawning  I agree it is important for him to not feel pressure to have sex.  That's probably a big part of what's going on here.  I would disagree on not talking about it, though.  Poor communication is what led to things going so badly.  Being emotionally empathetic is so important in a marriage.  The distinction is between being empathetic to emotions and being personally responsible for them.  If someone was to say to a friend "I miss emotionally-connected sex so much," it would be clear the request is for emotional empathy and compassion, maybe talk through options for fulfilling that need.  No one expects the friend to actually provide the sex themselves.  Say the same to a spouse, and they can be forgiven for assuming the request is to provide that sex.  I think it's possible to both communicate her needs while also not pressuring him for sex: "I miss emotionally connected sex so much, it's so important to me and I feel lost without it.  I am not asking you to provide this sex; I respect your needs as much as my own.  It would make me feel a lot better if you could just hold me.  Do you think we could talk through solutions that don't involve you having sex you don't want?"  Less anxiety for him and her, and the possibility for a productive discussion on paths forward: a win-win!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

'Holding onto a grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies'...

 

It seems easy to distinguish between advice that can help this partnership and advice that is encouraging the poster to feel bitter and angry. I don't think he lied - he said he was asexual from the start. Reading up on asexuality from day 1 could have helped anticipate and maybe even avoid some of the problems that have come up here. I think that when you learn more about asexuality you might feel a bit better about some things.

 

@Marlow1 made a good point - asexuals can feel aesthetic attraction without experiencing sexual attraction. So, @Gwent when he looked at you as if you were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen - that's because you were. I'm sure he still appreciates how beautiful you are. WIth asexuals, that isn't always linked to sexual desire. 

 

I feel for you, and I hope you can find a way through this because you obviously love and care for one another very much. There are some people on here who have made sexual/asexual relationships work and I hope you can find those stories and find something in them that helps you both. What I've noticed about those stories is the patience and mutual empathy on both sides, those are the necessary ingredients I think.

[anisotrophic]

6 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

he said he was asexual from the start. Reading up on asexuality from day 1 could have helped anticipate and maybe even avoid some of the problems that have come up here.

He did not. Are you inventing this to engage in blaming someone?

 

Neither party needs to be blamed to recognize that someone was unintentionally misled and has experienced something unfair and awful. It doesn’t sound like the partner did anything intentionally misleading, no.

 

Refusing to acknowledge the unintentional but terrible impact would not contribute to affirming @Gwent is loved for the sexuality she has. Conversely, blaming someone for being asexual and expecting that to change would also be an untenable and potentially abusive invalidation. We all deserve to be loved for who we are, and not have these things compared/attributed  to *wanting* to hurt someone.

 

9 hours ago, Memento1 said:

If someone was to say to a friend "I miss emotionally-connected sex so much," it would be clear the request is for emotional empathy and compassion, maybe talk through options for fulfilling that need.

My partner was able to do this with me. But we were in a different place, he was never repulsed, just tired and not understanding why I still felt unhappy. (Instead, I went through a period of repulsion when I realized he didn’t ever actually want it. I learned this is also pretty common for sexual partners.)

 

I suspect there are some that think wanting an ace partner to have this level of compassion is wanting too much. Indeed, depending on the partner, it might be -- especially within the confines of a relationship that plans to continue and remain indefinitely monogamous. But I think a lot of compassion from both partners for each other is really important — validating each other for who they are — may be necessary. Hence the value of advice to try being close & loving friends instead.