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Gnome.1

Demisexual lost attraction

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Gnome.1

 

I've been with my wife for 20 years.  Aesthetic attraction right away, romantic shortly after,  and sexual attraction later. After 15 years together and a few med changes and sever depression things changed between us.  She became uninterested in everything.   Couldn't get her to engage in meaningful conversation, wouldn't make a decision, just kind of checked out for a while.  For me I very much crave touch as affirmation of love and affection.  She would pull away any time I tried to touch her and would not engage in touch herself.

 

In that time I lost sexual attraction to her, and eventually romantic attraction.   In the two years this took place over I could count the number of times we were physical on one hand (not sex, just touching). 

 

Eventually med changes and a reduction in stress on her part and she slowly started showing affection again.  With that I slowly got romantic attraction again and eventually sexual attraction.

 

It was a 3 year struggle for me trying to get to that point.  It wasn't until much more recently that I discovered the term Demisexual and the nice handy dandy different attraction graphic that things from my past and this incident that things began to make more sense. 

 

So my question is this.   Has anyone else identifying as Demisexual lost their attraction to their partner and got it back?  How long did it take you, what was your experience with it?

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Sarah-Sylvia

I can't say much on the exact subject, but I do think it makes sense especially as a demisexual to experience what you did. You have to remember as well that a lot of long-term couples run into issues like that. Maybe not quite, but especially when someone is depressed it can create disconnects, and when you lose that love you had it affects how you feel around them, and I think it's rare to find someone that's able to persevere in their love even when their partner isn't able to connect. It does happen for sure though. But I'm like you my language can very much involve touching and sensuality. If my partner would reject my touches, it would affect me for sure. Of course, there's more to love, and we can always learn from relationships.

Anyway, I don't know how much that adds, but still felt like commenting a tiny bit.
Hope you keep enjoying things getting back on track :)

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caduceusCrucified

I'm wondering if my partner might be in a similar boat; They're asexual, but after we had been dating for a while they told me they wanted to try being more sexual. For a while, we were very sexual with each other- they even told me they thought they might be demisexual themselves- but suddenly (within a week or so) that all went away (which served as kind of a sudden shock to me, a sexual cis-het teen male). Since, I've been coping with a confused libido and doing my best not to push. I love and respect them, and they're worth more than any amount of sexual frustration they cause me. Despite this, my suppressed sex drive has been manifesting in ways I have a hard time managing (mostly in my dreams, which really throw me off throughout the day). I'm gonna continue this probably in the sex-ase couples forums but thought I'd mention it in case someone with more knowledge than myself (which is an admittedly very low bar) wanted to chip in.

Thanks

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Sarah-Sylvia
15 hours ago, caduceusCrucified said:

I'm wondering if my partner might be in a similar boat; They're asexual, but after we had been dating for a while they told me they wanted to try being more sexual. For a while, we were very sexual with each other- they even told me they thought they might be demisexual themselves- but suddenly (within a week or so) that all went away (which served as kind of a sudden shock to me, a sexual cis-het teen male). Since, I've been coping with a confused libido and doing my best not to push. I love and respect them, and they're worth more than any amount of sexual frustration they cause me. Despite this, my suppressed sex drive has been manifesting in ways I have a hard time managing (mostly in my dreams, which really throw me off throughout the day). I'm gonna continue this probably in the sex-ase couples forums but thought I'd mention it in case someone with more knowledge than myself (which is an admittedly very low bar) wanted to chip in.

Thanks

I think it's always  hard situation, and whether they're demi-sexual or just some other type of gray-ace, It's about being accepting and letting them have their pace, always. There's some things they'll be comfortable with or be in the vibe for, and some or some times they won't. At least it can be like that. You can find ways to relieve your sexual energy in other ways, like quite a few people do. Or you can learn to channel the feelings otherwise. It really depends what you can do and everything.

Good luck :)

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Silence4now

I imagine any feelings lost between two people that legitimately care about each other can be renewed if they both really want that. I have never had a chance to test that theory. My experience in live is too limited to know but I can say the times I have lost the connection with someone was under circumstances that no one would care to keep trying afterwards. I am happy to know it doesn't always work out that way even if I can't relate. 

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