metelyk Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Hello I do something that has been bothering me for a while and I would be interested in people's input. Let me describe the situation: I am with someone, and I notice they are physically attractive. I look at their body and think "nice, they look good, and they conform to what society considers "hot"". Then my brain thinks: "if they are hot, then you must want sex with them." So I make myself imagine the two of us in a sexual situation. Every single time, the thought repulses me. Sometimes, the idea sounds okay in theory (or the image in my mind seems okay in theory), though "okay" always means "yeah I guess I could do that" and never "YES PLEASE" - but even when it sounds okay in theory, when I actually think of it happen in practise, I am still repulsed. I do not think this is sexual attraction, because it feels forced and makes me very uncomfortable and anxious whenever I think of it, but I would be interested in what you think. Also, I am wondering if anyone else does this. I do something similar for romantic attraction, too (I identify as aro): when I enjoy being with someone, my brain jumps to "it must be romantic then" so I imagine myself in a romantic situation with them, and it makes me uneasy. Or sometimes it seems okay (like I will imagine kissing them and my reaction is "that doesn't feel too bad, I suppose it wouldn't kill me to do it for real"), but it's still not something I want, and when it actually happens, I don't like it. So what I am asking is: is this actually sexual (or romantic) attraction, or am I just an aroace who has been forcing these feelings for so long that I can not stop, and does anybody else do it too? 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Asexuality/aromanticism isn't about whether or not you could enjoy such things, it's about whether you desire them in the first place. And it doesn't sound like you do, because yeah, it does sound very forced. That's not to say that you shouldn't be in the relationship you're in, but it probably does mean that you should be upfront in that there are things you simply don't feel that the other person possibly does. Your brain is making some logical leaps that aren't necessarily correct 18 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
metelyk Posted December 17, 2019 Author Share Posted December 17, 2019 @Philip027 I am laughing VERY HARD at that meme, so true! And thank you for the rest, as well, it makes sense. I guess it is difficult to tell the difference between "I want this" and "this would be okay" or "society wants me to want this". I don't think I have ever had an inner desire for sex or romance (except maaaybe once), I have always had to initiate the idea, to actively decide to imagine it or to have a crush on someone and then force myself to like the idea. It does not ever come on its own. Which, I have heard, is not how sexual and romantic attraction work... Also, just to be clear, I am not in a relationship, these are with random people I know. (For example, a friend, or a colleague, or someone I see on the street.) My English is not always good, sorry 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 I relate to this VERY VERY MUCH and it's basically why I didn't realize I'm asexual until I was in my 30s. The thought of sex never repulsed me, but I wasn't compelled to it the way it seems like people are when they're sexually attracted to someone. I'm sex-indifferent, so when I have been in sexual situations - even with people I liked very much and considered good looking - it did not come naturally to me at all and it felt forced and foreign when having sex. I'm also aromantic, which just reduced the number of times I was in sexual scenarios, and that contributed greatly to how long it took me to figure this out. You're definitely not alone in experiencing things this way. 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 I'm a sexual male, and I can still find a woman attractive but not want to (even imagine) having sex with her. I very much enjoy sex, but not really interested in sex with a random person. So what you are describing doesn't necessarily mean you are asexual. Do you fantasize about sex (in a positive way) in some situations, or not at all Quote Link to post Share on other sites
metelyk Posted December 17, 2019 Author Share Posted December 17, 2019 13 minutes ago, uhtred said: Do you fantasize about sex (in a positive way) in some situations, or not at all No, never. I have thought about it, but I would not call that fantasising, and it was not positive. For example, I used to think "one day I will probably have sex" then imagine what that would be like, but not as a fantasy, just wondering how it might feel... out of curiosity, I suppose. The thought never made me excited or aroused. At best it was neutral, at worst it made me anxious. And I do not have those thoughts very often at all. Honestly, my fantasies are mainly about me living 400 years ago and fighting with a sword 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Whore*of*Mensa Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 It sounds as if you are forcing yourself to think about things you don’t really want to think about/do. I think if you wanted to do things your brain would naturally imagine doing them. Like you might imagine...I don’t know, winning a prize, or something good happening. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Plakillion Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 8 hours ago, metelyk said: Honestly, my fantasies are mainly about me living 400 years ago and fighting with a sword I have never related more to something in my life 😂 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 9 hours ago, metelyk said: No, never. I have thought about it, but I would not call that fantasising, and it was not positive. For example, I used to think "one day I will probably have sex" then imagine what that would be like, but not as a fantasy, just wondering how it might feel... out of curiosity, I suppose. The thought never made me excited or aroused. At best it was neutral, at worst it made me anxious. And I do not have those thoughts very often at all. Honestly, my fantasies are mainly about me living 400 years ago and fighting with a sword I think that would count as asexuality the way I think about it, but I also don't care much for labels in general. As long as you are aware of what you want, I think that is what matters. Life 400 years ago doesn't sound like much fun though. I want about 1000 years sideways into a world thats like a fantasy medieval world. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 12 hours ago, metelyk said: I guess it is difficult to tell the difference between "I want this" and "this would be okay" or "society wants me to want this". To determine whether you really want something, you have to be clear about what "want" means. It doesn't have anything to do with society, or whether something might be OK. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Same as @Snaonderneath a Mistlecone eventually I figured out if I have to force it, it’s probably not the way I’m wired. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SubMana Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 It can be pretty difficult to tell if you're forcing it or thinking about it naturally, since there's so many ways in which sexual activity is normalised and expected. It can feel "weird" to not have the feelings occur naturally, and since you're trying to fit in, it can seem "natural" to force things along a bit whilst assuming that's how everybody does it. But as everybody else said that if it doesn't occur naturally to you, that's pretty much the end of it. Just because you find somebody attractive doesn't mean it has to lead to anything else! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 You can fool a partner into thinking that you really think they're attractive, but you can't fool yourself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ortac Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 On 12/17/2019 at 1:50 PM, Philip027 said: This is really annoying me because I am trying to remember the name of the TV show these people are from, but I can't! I know I have seen it. I think it's the one where they fix up motorbikes but I just can't remember what it's called. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 1 hour ago, Ortac said: This is really annoying me because I am trying to remember the name of the TV show these people are from, but I can't! I know I have seen it. I think it's the one where they fix up motorbikes but I just can't remember what it's called. American Chopper Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExquisiteMystery Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 On 12/18/2019 at 7:42 PM, SubMana said: It can be pretty difficult to tell if you're forcing it or thinking about it naturally, since there's so many ways in which sexual activity is normalised and expected. It can feel "weird" to not have the feelings occur naturally, and since you're trying to fit in, it can seem "natural" to force things along a bit whilst assuming that's how everybody does it. That's exactly what I was thinking. Especially if you are unclear about whether your feeling is sexual attraction. I would add that, some places, like Aamerica, are so hypersexualized that your brain will test fit random people into a sexualized imagery. Because you are visually trained to do so. Like bits of movies, print ads, commercial, etc. It made my life more dificult for a long time. Until I realized that no matter the image that came, it never made the person more interesting. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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