How does it feel like to be an asexual in an overly sexual world?

[Ciki]

Whether we like it or not,one thing is clear:

The society we live in is overly sexual.Don't believe me?Well,just take a look around and think about it for a moment.Everything around us is centered around sex and dating and hooking up and what not.Everything from music,to games,to movies to even the smallest and seemingly unimportant things such as ads and videos on Youtube.

So,how does it feel like being asexual in a society that values sex so much?

Well,that's what i'd like to hear from you guys.I already know from my own experiences.

So,what are your thoughts?Have you ever had any uncomfortable or just strange experiences because of your identity?How do you feel knowing that you might never be what people would call 'normal'?Do you have any fears?Any doubts?If you had the chance to,would you ever change this part of your identity?

[Acing It]

One word: alienating.

[nineGardens]

Mostly.... like when I see my friends, a lot of their least ethical and more self destructive behavior appears to be tied up in sex/romance. Like, 4 times out of five, if drama is happening, that is the reason.

I kind of appreciate not getting distracted by all that.

 

So... a lot of the time these this sense of "That ad was supposed to work" or "People say/do those thing?" and then some of the time there's frustration, when I realize that its often very hard for me to provide friends with support, and also hard for them to support me due to... sort of really different base assumptions.

[Phalena]

Sometimes sexuality being portayed all over the place is as annoying as spam-mails. Sometimes I just ignore it, no energy to use up on that- But the worst is when heterosexual wannabes are whining because media talks about other sexualities (mostly male homosexuality) once in a while and are asking why the others want so much attention and that it's bad to talk so much about sex. Those completely ignore how much they themselves talk about sex all day.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Well, it cuts both ways I think. So here's an anecdote I've told at several AVEN meets and also at the conference in Edinburgh in June...

 

Back in the early mid 80's, when I was a student, I was in the union bar one day talking about a film I wanted to see. A girl who was sitting opposite (I'm male btw) said that she would also like to see it, so I said "let's go together!" She asked me if I would pick her up at her place. I suppose looking back I should've noticed that she'd asked me for a date at this point but I was oblivious. It turned out she lived on the opposite side of town from me so I told her not to be daft and that we could meet in the city centre that evening, on a street corner just up the road from the cinema. We both arrived at exactly the same moment and she looked shocked and said, "You've not changed!" meaning my clothes. I suppose she had changed hers but I wouldn't have noticed. What I did say to her was, "You don't need to change your clothes to watch a film." So we went to the cinema and sat next to each other and watched the film.

 

Strangely enough the film was called "Dance with a Stranger". It stars Miranda Richardson as Ruth Ellis, the last woman in Britain to be hanged for murder. It was a really good film I have seen several times since and I was engrossed the whole time. Not, of course, that I would have 'tried anything on' as I'm aro-ace and this was a trip to the cinema, not a date. Or was it?? 😮

 

Afterwards I suggested going to the pub. This is apparently what you are supposed to do on a date but what was in my mind at the time was 🍺. I thought the film was great so we discussed it which - I think - is also what you are supposed to do on a date. I then started banging on about 'true crime' - I was obsessed by Jack the Ripper, "Acid Bath" Haigh, Victorian baby farmers and serial killers in general. I probably mentioned Orwell's famous essay, "The Decline of the English Murder" and how disappointingly mundane most modern murderers were in comparison to the Victorians - or more famous earlier female protagonists, such as Lucrezia Borgia or Erszebet Bathori. Who knows what sort of impression I made as I threw several more pints down my neck whilst over enthusing about mass murder?! 😵

 

When I'd had enough beer I suggested we went our separate ways - and left. Fyi in Britain in the 80's dating culture was very different to what it is now - so I've been told. Back then you were supposed to pretend that sex was the very last thing anyone would want on a first date. Only, of course, as I wasn't even pretending, my lack of interest must've been very convincing... 🤨 😉

 

The following day in the union bar someone said to me, "I hear you've been on a date." I said, "No, it was a trip to the cinema." He then said it was for her twice more before finally letting the matter drop. And I then forgot all about this until many, many years later when it suddenly occurred to me that the guy in the bar was probably right about her side of the experience - it probably was a date - for her!! But of course it wasn't for me - except perhaps -sort of - with hindsight. Maybe... 😅

 

So who had the strangest experience that night? It's a moot point, I think! 🤣

[The Abhorred]

@Moderne Jazzhanden I love your story. I have been on more than one of these outings that the other party is consider dates while I haven't ever been to one, ever!

 

@Ciki I think the problem with the society is how people take certain things for granted, and having sexual desire is just one. The sexual orientation was an other. In the past it was religion, at least to where I'm from, people would assume you are a christian. 

For me, seeing how I feel different from others not just about sexuality, religion, politics and few others, because mainly I wouldn't just take things for granted and I'm questing, well everything. That alone makes me feel desperately alone.

The post before me is a great example of how someone just assumed they were on a date, how when others just assume things are ruin everything. The lack of communication is the main issue imo and not sexuality. I cannot understand how this urge, in sexuals works but because to them is coming before all other aspects of their lives it will be extra difficult for me to be related to them. It is possible, but it is hard, to give you that chance. The lack of sexual interest is usually associated with prune persons. so. 

I feel alone and that others cannot or are not even trying to understand me. But NO WAY I would have change who I am. I didn't choose to be asexual but I'm 100% happy with this part of me.

[Guest]

I’m proud to be different from what the society expects you to be. But i will be honest to say that it took time to to accept myself for being different. When i was a teenager i always had questions about myself compared to other people. I couldn’t accept that i were different and “the weird girl” and were sad and had many negative thoughts about myself. And i also thought ok maybe in the future i get myself a husband and have some kids, because that was how the life was(i thought before i knew what  aromanticism was). But when i found out what asexuality and aromanticism was it was like hey you don’t have to get yourself a husband or having kids. You can be forever virgin. I appreciate that alot. 

[Purple Wanderer]

Like I'm walking through the matrix. My eyes have been opened but everyone else is still trapped... Sex equals the machine world... I don't know I haven't really thought this through.

[Homer]

Not being interested in sex is such a miniscule aspect of who I am that it makes no practical difference. My hatred for pineapple is more significant than that

 

I don't care about what's (not) normal and if someone avoids me because of that, that's no loss for anyone. Then again, romance has no place in my life, so that's not a problem at all.

[frostboot]

I don't know, I'd say it's mostly just tiring. I'm both acespec and arospec and it feels impossible to find a book, movie, stand-up comedian show, real-life conversation or anything that sex or romance hasn't put their grubby little hands all over. For me, being asexual is such an integral part of me that it's not something that I really think about or actively identify myself as, until I'm reminded of why I need the label in the first place. It feels like a lot of guilt is directed towards us for not partaking in all that bullshit about how you need sex to be happy and how others are entitled to your body just because you're in a relationship. So: tiring and like I'm constantly being guilt tripped.

[vega57]

13 hours ago, Ciki said:

So,how does it feel like being asexual in a society that values sex so much?

 

So,what are your thoughts?Have you ever had any uncomfortable or just strange experiences because of your identity?How do you feel knowing that you might never be what people would call 'normal'?Do you have any fears?Any doubts?If you had the chance to,would you ever change this part of your identity?

Personally, I feel relieved.  

 

I used to have a lot more time to read forums, and the forums I read were geared toward relationships.  Marriage, dating, breaking up, hook ups, casual sex, yadda, yadda, yadda.  

 

I see so many problems that sexuals have while trying to navigate the relationship arena.  Mis matched libidos...how the other person doesn't want to perform oral sex...how someone hasn't "gotten laid" by their partner in a WEEK...retroactive jealousy ("My partner won't do sexual things with me that (s)he did with someone before me!)..."My wife's panties turn me off!"...performance issues...orgasm issues...cheating...lying to get sex...unwanted pregnancy...birth control issues...other medical issues stemming from sex...UGH!!!  The list goes on and on. 

 

My life is peaceful  without sex.

 

And I intend to keep it that way, despite what anyone thinks.  

[frostboot]

19 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Personally, I feel relieved.  

 

My life is peaceful  without sex.

 

And I intend to keep it that way, despite what anyone thinks.  

I love this take on it! I think it's easy to get caught up in how we feel in relation to society so we forget, or at least I do, how freeing it is to be asexual. I relate to this a lot and I find a lot of peace in my aspec identities as well. 

[Ciki]

14 hours ago, Acing It said:

One word: alienating.

I can relate to this way to much😩

[Ciki]

13 hours ago, nineGardens said:

Mostly.... like when I see my friends, a lot of their least ethical and more self destructive behavior appears to be tied up in sex/romance. Like, 4 times out of five, if drama is happening, that is the reason.

I kind of appreciate not getting distracted by all that.

 

So... a lot of the time these this sense of "That ad was supposed to work" or "People say/do those thing?" and then some of the time there's frustration, when I realize that its often very hard for me to provide friends with support, and also hard for them to support me due to... sort of really different base assumptions.

True.Whenever i'm with my friends ALL they ever talk about is romance.Who is dating who,who broke up with who,who has a crush on who...

It's so tiring having to listen to all of this (keep in mind that nobody knows about my identity).And the worst part is when my bestie has crush problems and i just don't know how to help her😭

[Ciki]

12 hours ago, MiffKeks said:

Sometimes sexuality being portayed all over the place is as annoying as spam-mails. Sometimes I just ignore it, no energy to use up on that- But the worst is when heterosexual wannabes are whining because media talks about other sexualities (mostly male homosexuality) once in a while and are asking why the others want so much attention and that it's bad to talk so much about sex. Those completely ignore how much they themselves talk about sex all day.

Exactly.People always say that sex isn't one of the most important parts of our society but if they saw it from our perspective,they would instantly go quiet😒

[Ciki]

11 hours ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

Well, it cuts both ways I think. So here's an anecdote I've told at several AVEN meets and also at the conference in Edinburgh in June...

 

Back in the early mid 80's, when I was a student, I was in the union bar one day talking about a film I wanted to see. A girl who was sitting opposite (I'm male btw) said that she would also like to see it, so I said "let's go together!" She asked me if I would pick her up at her place. I suppose looking back I should've noticed that she'd asked me for a date at this point but I was oblivious. It turned out she lived on the opposite side of town from me so I told her not to be daft and that we could meet in the city centre that evening, on a street corner just up the road from the cinema. We both arrived at exactly the same moment and she looked shocked and said, "You've not changed!" meaning my clothes. I suppose she had changed hers but I wouldn't have noticed. What I did say to her was, "You don't need to change your clothes to watch a film." So we went to the cinema and sat next to each other and watched the film.

 

Strangely enough the film was called "Dance with a Stranger". It stars Miranda Richardson as Ruth Ellis, the last woman in Britain to be hanged for murder. It was a really good film I have seen several times since and I was engrossed the whole time. Not, of course, that I would have 'tried anything on' as I'm aro-ace and this was a trip to the cinema, not a date. Or was it?? 😮

 

Afterwards I suggested going to the pub. This is apparently what you are supposed to do on a date but what was in my mind at the time was 🍺. I thought the film was great so we discussed it which - I think - is also what you are supposed to do on a date. I then started banging on about 'true crime' - I was obsessed by Jack the Ripper, "Acid Bath" Haigh, Victorian baby farmers and serial killers in general. I probably mentioned Orwell's famous essay, "The Decline of the English Murder" and how disappointingly mundane most modern murderers were in comparison to the Victorians - or more famous earlier female protagonists, such as Lucrezia Borgia or Erszebet Bathori. Who knows what sort of impression I made as I threw several more pints down my neck whilst over enthusing about mass murder?! 😵

 

When I'd had enough beer I suggested we went our separate ways - and left. Fyi in Britain in the 80's dating culture was very different to what it is now - so I've been told. Back then you were supposed to pretend that sex was the very last thing anyone would want on a first date. Only, of course, as I wasn't even pretending, my lack of interest must've been very convincing... 🤨 😉

 

The following day in the union bar someone said to me, "I hear you've been on a date." I said, "No, it was a trip to the cinema." He then said it was for her twice more before finally letting the matter drop. And I then forgot all about this until many, many years later when it suddenly occurred to me that the guy in the bar was probably right about her side of the experience - it probably was a date - for her!! But of course it wasn't for me - except perhaps -sort of - with hindsight. Maybe... 😅

 

So who had the strangest experience that night? It's a moot point, I think! 🤣

😂

Yes,this can deffinately be a problem because people just assume that you are just like them...

I can't even talk to a guy without everyone bombarding me with questions such as 'Omg are you dating?' or 'You totally like him,don't you?'

Hell,one day while i was in school i showed up wearing earings.EARINGS! And i shit you not,a sea of girls from my class surrounded me asking who i was wearing them for or who i'm trying to impress.

Like,bitch,i'm wearing them for me and me only!

[Ciki]

10 hours ago, TheAbhorrent said:

@Moderne Jazzhanden I love your story. I have been on more than one of these outings that the other party is consider dates while I haven't ever been to one, ever!

 

@Ciki I think the problem with the society is how people take certain things for granted, and having sexual desire is just one. The sexual orientation was an other. In the past it was religion, at least to where I'm from, people would assume you are a christian. 

For me, seeing how I feel different from others not just about sexuality, religion, politics and few others, because mainly I wouldn't just take things for granted and I'm questing, well everything. That alone makes me feel desperately alone.

The post before me is a great example of how someone just assumed they were on a date, how when others just assume things are ruin everything. The lack of communication is the main issue imo and not sexuality. I cannot understand how this urge, in sexuals works but because to them is coming before all other aspects of their lives it will be extra difficult for me to be related to them. It is possible, but it is hard, to give you that chance. The lack of sexual interest is usually associated with prune persons. so. 

I feel alone and that others cannot or are not even trying to understand me. But NO WAY I would have change who I am. I didn't choose to be asexual but I'm 100% happy with this part of me.

Same here.I might hate myself from the bottom of my heart,but the ONLY thing i even remotely like about myself is the fact that i'm aroace.Somehow it manages to be both the source and the solution to all of my problems.

[Ciki]

10 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

I’m proud to be different from what the society expects you to be. But i will be honest to say that it took time to to accept myself for being different. When i was a teenager i always had questions about myself compared to other people. I couldn’t accept that i were different and “the weird girl” and were sad and had many negative thoughts about myself. And i also thought ok maybe in the future i get myself a husband and have some kids, because that was how the life was(i thought before i knew what  aromanticism was). But when i found out what asexuality and aromanticism was it was like hey you don’t have to get yourself a husband or having kids. You can be forever virgin. I appreciate that alot. 

Omg same!I'm planing to stay a virgin for life.Even as a small child i knew that i didn't want any kinds nor to get married but i always thought that i would at least get a boyfriend.Sike!Turns out i'm aroace.Oh well...

[Ciki]

10 hours ago, Purple Wanderer said:

Like I'm walking through the matrix. My eyes have been opened but everyone else is still trapped... Sex equals the machine world... I don't know I haven't really thought this through.

Don't worry you have time☺

Also i love this comparison.

[Ciki]

9 hours ago, Homer said:

Not being interested in sex is such a miniscule aspect of who I am that it makes no practical difference. My hatred for pineapple is more significant than that

 

I don't care about what's (not) normal and if someone avoids me because of that, that's no loss for anyone. Then again, romance has no place in my life, so that's not a problem at all.

I wish i had your confidance.

[Ciki]

8 hours ago, frostboot said:

I don't know, I'd say it's mostly just tiring. I'm both acespec and arospec and it feels impossible to find a book, movie, stand-up comedian show, real-life conversation or anything that sex or romance hasn't put their grubby little hands all over. For me, being asexual is such an integral part of me that it's not something that I really think about or actively identify myself as, until I'm reminded of why I need the label in the first place. It feels like a lot of guilt is directed towards us for not partaking in all that bullshit about how you need sex to be happy and how others are entitled to your body just because you're in a relationship. So: tiring and like I'm constantly being guilt tripped.

Amazing.I agree with every word you just said.I'm so sick of all the media and how much they glorify sex and romance.I just want one song,just one,that doesn't have something to do about sex or romance.Is that too much to ask for?

[Ciki]

2 hours ago, vega57 said:

Personally, I feel relieved.  

 

I used to have a lot more time to read forums, and the forums I read were geared toward relationships.  Marriage, dating, breaking up, hook ups, casual sex, yadda, yadda, yadda.  

 

I see so many problems that sexuals have while trying to navigate the relationship arena.  Mis matched libidos...how the other person doesn't want to perform oral sex...how someone hasn't "gotten laid" by their partner in a WEEK...retroactive jealousy ("My partner won't do sexual things with me that (s)he did with someone before me!)..."My wife's panties turn me off!"...performance issues...orgasm issues...cheating...lying to get sex...unwanted pregnancy...birth control issues...other medical issues stemming from sex...UGH!!!  The list goes on and on. 

 

My life is peaceful  without sex.

 

And I intend to keep it that way, despite what anyone thinks.  

Well,i guess i never thought about it that way.Huh.When you think about it like that,it actually sounds like a blessing.Like we're the chosen ones.Cool!

[Guest]

Kind of like I missed the boat. I had quite a few crushes, most of them short-lived, none of which went anywhere, back when I was still young enough for sex not to be a major issue, as far as I know anyway. Now, I haven't seen a girl I really like in over a decade, and even if I did, things would likely hit a wall pretty fast because I don't want sex and/or my feelings would not be reciprocated, the latter having been my experience every time. Well, since I was the odd one out most of the time, certain ones pretended to reciprocate just long enough to humiliate me but whatever. If I never find one I like again who is also actually genuine, that's just how it has to be, I'm not pushing anything. That sort of thing would most likely be a burden to me now anyway; finding one who adds something worth having to my life would be like trying to thread a needle with a sledgehammer.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

10 hours ago, Homer said:

Not being interested in sex is such a miniscule aspect of who I am that it makes no practical difference. My hatred for pineapple is more significant than that

😱

 

Another lost soul... 😞

[Homer]

1 minute ago, Moderne Jazzhanden said:

Another lost soul... 😞

I never had a "soul" to begin with

[Phantasmal Fingers]

9 minutes ago, Homer said:

I never had a "soul" to begin with

It's not that that bothers me. 🤨

 

It's the attitude to Pineapple, dearest and best of all tropical fruits! O Pineapple, how shall we praise thy more than paradisal succulence, etc, etc, etc. 😉

[Guest]

I don't spend that much time around people because I'm really introverted so I would say that I'm mostly unaffected by the rest of the world's attitudes.

[Dr. Beat]

It feels a little weird, but it doesn't usually bother me. Growing up and being an adult was always kind of described to me as going through puberty and then being attracted to people. All of the 'you'll understand when you're older' stuff. Even in late high school when I started to notice a difference my parents kept saying I'd find someone. I'm 21 now and I honestly kind of feel like a kid in an adult's body. I go to a major university and I'm working on publishing scientific literature, but I don't feel like the standard of 'grown up' that was given to me.

[R..]

Honestly, it’s just difficult for me to believe that I’m missing something. I’m just so used to the way I feel that it’s hard to imagine exactly what it’s like for most people. I assume my sexuality will become a bigger relationship obstacle in marriage

[Guest]

@Dr. Beat I felt that way for a while, but honestly your asexuality doesn't make you any more or less immature than others. Maturity is separate from sexuality.