Am I just afraid of sex?

[Brook99]

Hello everyone

I‘m a 16 year old girl and I’m questioning my sexuality as many people in puberty do and I feel like I could be asexual.

Before discovering the forum here I had a couple of questions about asexuality, but I could find an answer to most of them. Still, there is one I could not find an answer to.

I don’t really like the idea of sex and don’t want to get that intimate with anybody. Could that be, because I never had sex with anybody and I’m just afraid of it? (I know, if that’s the case, I’m not a part of the asexual community)

I had a boyfriend for quite a long time and we kissed and cuddled a lot, but just thinking about getting more intimate with him or even have sex made me nervous and looking back I don’t think I ever wanted it.

I know this question is difficult to answer, but maybe someone went through a similar situation and could talk about the experience. 

Thank you in advance

[Guest]

I know I would be having a lot of anxiety if I ever would need to do sexual stuff... I'd rather not... Maybe I'm afraid... idk...

 

I certainly ain't feeling like I'm missing out on something.

[frostboot]

I also begun considering if I was asexual around age 15/16 and I find that it's entirely possible to know without having sex before. The main question you should ask yourself is whether or not you were attracted to your boyfriend, or to anyone else for the matter. If there were no societal pressures or fears or nerves holding you back, would you want to have sex with him? Have you ever looked at a person and thought that you would like to sleep with them? If not, you may be asexual. If you decide to start using the term and find out later that it doesn't fit you, that is entirely fine too! Don't worry about being an "imposter" or whatever, because I know a lot of us do. 

[FaerieFate]

3 hours ago, Brook99 said:

I don’t really like the idea of sex and don’t want to get that intimate with anybody. Could that be, because I never had sex with anybody and I’m just afraid of it? (I know, if that’s the case, I’m not a part of the asexual community)

I had a boyfriend for quite a long time and we kissed and cuddled a lot, but just thinking about getting more intimate with him or even have sex made me nervous and looking back I don’t think I ever wanted it.

I have never had sex, and I don't want to get intimate with anyone. I don't think that this is because I'm afraid of sex. I think it's just because I'm not interested in sex.

 

So being sexually active is not a prerequisite to knowing if you're asexual. And not being interested doesn't mean that you are afraid of it. I've had people try to invalidate me by trying to say that I'm afraid of sex. I'm not afraid of sex, I just don't care about it. I could never have sex and be perfectly happy. 

[Andrea KF]

And You can still be romantically attracted to people, if You not sexually attracted to them.

 

Anyway, Welcome to AVEN @Brook99. Cake?

https://www.koket.se/lomelinos-tartor/linda-lomelino/hallonbrownie-tarta-med-marangsmorkram/

 

[henshin]

When you say you're wondering if you're afraid of sex, what are you worried about exactly?

 

I think it's pretty common for girls in our society to be told over the years to expect sex to be painful and not pleasurable, and that can make people anxious about sex. 

 

When you're cuddling and kissing your boyfriend, did you feel turned on and like you wanted him to touch you sexually? 

[Brook99]

Thanks @Phoenix the II, @frostboot, @FaerieFate and @Andrea KF for answering my question and sharing your experience :) This is why I like this community. People here are just very accepting and try to help each other without prejudices.

[Brook99]

41 minutes ago, henshin said:

When you say you're wondering if you're afraid of sex, what are you worried about exactly?

 

I think it's pretty common for girls in our society to be told over the years to expect sex to be painful and not pleasurable, and that can make people anxious about sex. 

 

When you're cuddling and kissing your boyfriend, did you feel turned on and like you wanted him to touch you sexually? 

Hmm no I‘m not afraid that sex is going to be painful, I just don’t want that kind of intimacy with another person. It was the same with my boyfriend. I mean I did feel turned on, but not that I wanted to have sex with him...I don’t know it’s kinda difficult to explain.

[henshin]

1 hour ago, Brook99 said:

Hmm no I‘m not afraid that sex is going to be painful, I just don’t want that kind of intimacy with another person. It was the same with my boyfriend. I mean I did feel turned on, but not that I wanted to have sex with him...I don’t know it’s kinda difficult to explain.

In that case it doesn't sound like you're afraid of sex so much as you don't want to have it yet. You may find this changes with people that you meet but you may also totally find that you're asexual. As others have said, identities change over time and there is no rush to decide and be public about it. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

At this age it's hard to know for sure. However, one important thing: being asexual and being afraid of sex are not mutually exclusive! It's not like "true aexuals should be sex-indifferent", like "true asexuals" should Just Not Care about sex, and those who feel an active anxiety/disgust/discomfort about sex are not "really asexual", but Have A Problem instead. No, some asexuals are sex-averse and that's fine, they should never be treated like the community's dirty secret or, for example, pushed into psychotherapy if they are fine with being sex-averse and see no reason to want to feel otherwise.

Still, one doesn't have to be asexual to be afraid of sex and I would say that being afraid of sex is normal and even commendable - in the sense that, after all, fear of sex can be protective. And I openly admit that I have a fairly conservative opinion on teen sex: I believe that a good age to have sex is above 20. Even if it sounds paternalistic, I feel that very young people who desire sex don't yet fully understand it* and the question remains open whether they would consent to sex if they fully understood it.

The most important thing is never pushing oneself to have sex. Everyone who is considering their sexuality and potential choices in this area should remember that their comfort matters enough. One should never sacrifice one's comfort for someone else in such an intimate and vulnerable area as sexuality. In this respect it shouldn't even matter whether one is asexual or not - I find the concept of "enthusiastic consent" (which would, supposedly, exclude asexuals - however, it's not relevant to myself because I couldn't consent to sex in any way) unreliable, instead the question should be: am I comfortable with the possibility of having sex? And the great task of progressive movements - the asexual movement, but also, of course, the feminist movement, when it's not blinded by indiscriminate sex positivity - is to increase everyone's feeling of personal agency, to provide people with certainty that if you don't feel comfortable with the posibility of having sex, refusal is the only good response.

 

*Still, taking such reservations to their logical extremes would be risky - the logical extreme is that no person who has never had sex can understand it, so nobody can consent to sex. It would be going too far - I'm sex-critical, sex-sceptical, I even don't object to being called sex-negative - but I'm not antisexual, I don't believe that people who have sex are worse, or dirty, or wrong. But I'm fine with individual people using such a logical extreme for themselves and deciding that they won't have sex because they don't know what they would be consenting to. If it's sex-negative to refuse to lament people's missed sexual opportunities, but feel anger over all not-clearly-wanted sex, then be it.