Please describe what sexual attraction is actually like

[Turquoise_oOo]

I'm around 75% sure I'm asexual. But I grew up Christian, and have a history or being highly mentally adaptive and highly physically disconnected. 

 

I would be so greatful for any sexual individuals to type out some everyday moments of sexual attraction and try to really describe what it is like. I need data! It would be so amazingly helpful. Thanks.

[Guest]

What it feels like to me:

 

When it first triggered, it was with my wife while we were dating and we were laying in her bed kissing. It felt like ... a very subtle thought that this is nice and a desire to see if going further would be interesting to her. So I asked if it was OK to touch in a sexual way and she agreed. We were both too nervous to get far. But, it was nice and we both wanted to do more. So we kept experimenting to find what we liked. 

 

Now that we have established a sexual relationship, sometimes seeing her body in certain ways can trigger memories of things we have done which leads to a desire to do it more because it was nice. 

 

I never have experienced sexual attraction to anyone other than her and never could for a stranger. So can't help with random spontaneous sexual attraction descriptions. 

[thyristor]

In another thread I share a little bit about this, here's a copy-paste, if you don't want to read the thread in general:

 

Quote

Well, sex is just not your average hobby.... one reason [for disguising the words] can be: it's embarrassing to say it and/or embarrassing to get 'no', so you disguise it so that, if the other person means 'no', can say something that is not directly no to sex, but closes the road anyway, or so that, if the other person gets it and says, 'no, I won't have sex', you can still withdraw and claim that you actually only meant listening to the record. That can be a lie, or it can just be a result of you not knowing even for yourself, whether you actually want sex with that person or not. So, it's not always an original intent for the other person to be dishonest. Also, it can be a lot more confusing for sexuals to know what they want. As an asexual, it could be easy: no doubt about it, not interested. But as a sexual, you might be interested, but can't be sure whether the other person is an asshole, or you can't be sure how you'll feel in the morning after agreeing to a one night stand. On AVEN we often read about what sexuals take for granted [ed: or rather: how sexual take certain things for granted], but there are a lot of things involved in sexual behaviour that are anything but straight forward.

 

Another reason for disguise: (TMI warning, sensual content)

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Another reason to disguise is that part of the fun and, not the least, part of the attraction is the excitement of not knowing the outcome, hence building up tension even when you already start touching eachother. That would be totally gone if you had said explicitly beforehand that you want to have sex.

 

The excitement-part plays a big role for me. It would't be exciting in the same way if I wondered whether this person I know would come along to a choir practice or even to a café. And once we are at a café it's not really exciting to see what the person chooses from the menu, how long it takes to eat or whether they say 'wow, that's tasty' or 'quite alright' or 'this ist the best coffee I tasted, ever!'. But in a sexual context it gets exciting, it might make your heart draw all the energy from around it to itself, so it feels like rushing, although the rush is rather mental, the heart rate (for me) is normal.

 

As to every day life sexual attraction, I don't have that very often. And honestly, I don't think most sexuals do feel attracted on a every-day basis. I assume that one can feel sexually attracted on a saturday night when the person already is in a state where they are aware that they are open to find a sexual partner. But I'm not particularly looking for a sexual partner, chances are little that I get sexually attracted by sort of just interacting with someone. Once I have a crush, I might feel sexual desire for the person when I'm on my own (see below), but not when I meet the other person unless it has already become an intimate situation. I rather get excited about meeting the person as in just hanging about with them. But when the time has come that the situation gets intimate, it is often exactly that excitement story going on. It's like both partners are playing a game of teasing until one can really be sure that the other one has understood the meaning and yet not rejected it. It is having an urge to gamble on. And sort of, verifying that you and that other person understand eachothers without (the correct) words.

 

The libido I feel on my own is much like longing for chocolate to me. It's not much of a feeling that can be discribed. It's just an association that comes and won't really go away unless it is satisfied. That's what's so disturbing with falling for chocolate: it feels so immature, not to be capable of refraining although there is no painful feeling or any physically experiencable feeling at all, it's just an association in the brain, that says: "chocolate". It doesn't even say: "Chocolate would be nice right now" or "I want chocoloate", it just says plain "Chocolate" and it says it so many times that it will torture me, and unless I eat chocolate, it won't go away. Same with libido. It just says "doing it" in my brain. It doesn't even say: "I want to do it" or "That'd be nice right now", and oftentimes, I'm actually a bit too tired. Then my brain falls into an awkward state of wondering, why I feel an urge to do it at the same time when I just feel like holding still and falling asleep.

 

However, once I have a crush on someone, that libido will not be as silent and unexciting. It will turn into sexual desire and phantasies. And I never feel too tired. Then the brain truely says: "I want to live this dream.". My phantasies then are still mostly about the not knowing whether the other one wants it too or not, so it's not a durable attraction actually, because, imagine that I get my dream, the excitement will be gone, so there won't be much of an attraction left (for me). That's probably why I identify as gray-sexual. I guess I don't have that core attraction as in feeling arousal for arousal's sake. I just feel it for the sake of putting it as a question that craves an answer.

[R_1]

45 minutes ago, CBC said:

Warning: I'm really bad at putting this into words. 
 

It feels kind of like... anticipatory excitement? A desire to be really close, feeling an instinctive pull towards someone. Sometimes the "butterflies in the stomach" thing, or other signs of physical arousal. If it's someone I love, it's a strong need to express that emotion physically and intensely. If I look at my partner, I feel desire based on the emotional connection I share with her. I want to touch her and to be touched in more intimate ways than I would with other people. Like Serran said, seeing a partner's body can also spark memories.

 

The best I can really say in brief is that it's a strong pull, and for sexual people it's unmistakably sexual.

If that is sexual attraction, I have never felt like that. To me, attraction felt like just picturing myself with someone and knowing you want that someone. But, butterflies or excitement, can't say I felt that.

[R_1]

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

Well at times it's probably a more detached sense of general awareness that you want someone, but if that supposed want literally never involved any type of response... no feeling of excitement, no anticipation, no achy longing, etc... then I would question how someone was defining attraction. I don't get a bodily response if I just think for a split second "yep, I'm attracted to my partner", but knowing that I would feel something if I dwelt upon it for any significant length of time, or if I was in situation where sex could happen imminently, is what makes me aware that it's sexual attraction.

Yeah, it was probably detached form of attraction. Normally, back in the days of where I had something pertaining to that, I was very detached emotionally. And that was when I was in the age of sex isn't a good idea and knowing it i.e less than 16.

[RoseGoesToYale]

For me, it's just liking the idea of sex with someone specific and wanting sex with them. Almost like a food craving, wanting to eat a specific food. I see them or think about being with them in a sexual context and I'm like yeah, that'd be pretty good. I've heard people describe it as magnetism, and I would say that's pretty spot-on.

[thyristor]

I remember one time in my early to mid twenties I watched a movie from the 70'ies with an actor/character that I had liked since I was a kid, as in: I found him sympathic, good-looking, witty. I hadn't seen that particular movie with him though, and it involved a scene where he would rise out of a bathtub, although the camera would move along, so, you'd only see him to the hips. That is the only moment in my whole life when I out of nowhere felt "Wow, he's sexy!" towards anyone. I had seen his bare chest in other movies. It might have been that excitement again. The movie was not the kind that would show stuff like that for artistic reasons. Maybe the camera was supposed to be a little bit higher, but since it just about hid the private part the cut was used, and it was the surprise and wondering: "oh, how low will this go?" that sort of had me associate sexual thoughts. I figure that, if the camera had shown everything, my feeling would have turned around and I'd thought: "yuck, that was uncalled for.... ".

 

Analyzing all this suddenly makes me feel that my sexual attraction to others is rather limited, and maybe even only an attraction to fully have the other one for a while, the sexual part coming in only because it is the way society normally defines 'all the way'. It is the crown of activities, so to speak, that you can share with someone, or the crown of closeness. So, @Turquoise_oOo, take my description as what can be percieved as sexual attraction, though it was sexual excitement (if the difference is relevant to you). I might just be better at explaining sexual repulsion. 🙈

[œddy]

As far as primary sexual attraction for myself as cishet male, it would be the difference between being 12 and being innocent and being 13 and being entranced by the opposite sex and their secondary sexual characteristics (e.g. breasts) like they are the most amazing thing in the world, but not entirely understanding why. All this talk of being sexually attracted to a personality, a person beyond their appearance is not something I've experienced that much. Makes me sound very shallow I guess. Sexual attraction and the sexuality of others is something I inherently understand, but feel pretty alien to being so absent from my life. Its why it was hard to figure out where my sexuality was until I tried to remove sexuality from my thoughts and feelings and it just didn't make sense - I'm an inherently sexual being, I just never acted on it for whatever reason.

[SusannaC]

Sexual attraction for me is the desire to be physically & intimately connected to that person.  This desire doesn’t come without some other emotional and intellectual connection first, and is more like a slow realization.   I become aware that MORE than just talking and kissing and lightly touching would be enjoyable.  The other persons body is physically appealing to me but the emotional pull is also pretty strong as well, and essential for me to want to act.  

[Turquoise_oOo]

I guess my biggest disconnect is in what in your mind says that physically touching someone is a sexual way is a desire of yours? Is it inexplicable? 

 

I find when I adore someone. When I just enjoy them so much, I do feel that intense need to express it. Smile, speak. Touch even. My brain goes through increasingly more extravagant ways of expressing my deep enjoyment of this dear person. Huge their arm, get real close. Yes, maybe kiss them (though I'm still not sure about that). But then the list stops. I could get more creative maybe, in my expression of deep enjoyment. But the list never includes sexual things. 

 

I would assume that in this scenario, some of you would have this same instinct (to increasingly express your affection). But then for a sexual person, they would have more options on their list. They could continue on, and start using sexual touch or action to express that affection. 

 

Does that sound accurate to any of you?

 

Thanks by the way. This is all very fascinating. 

[SusannaC]

It sounds fairly accurate to me.  Physical expressions of affection feels good, comfortable, easy for me- when I am sexually attracted and in a romantic relationship.    There is a need to explore and connect completely.  With close relatives- my parents my kids, sisters, etc- physical touch isn’t bad, just different.  Because there is no sexual desire...Just love and deep caring.  So hugs, kisses or other physical expressions of caring are there- not  avoided or repulsive - but not in any way comparable to a sexual relationship.    I hope this makes sense?
What about the act of kissing gives you pause?  Is it the actual feel of lips touching or something more?  

[Lara Black]

On 12/14/2019 at 6:21 PM, CBC said:

It feels kind of like... anticipatory excitement? A desire to be really close, feeling an instinctive pull towards someone.

Yes, that. I’m not turned on yet, but there’s often this tingling on my lips (anticipated kissing) and other body parts.

[thyristor]

5 hours ago, Turquoise_oOo said:

But then for a sexual person, they would have more options on their list. They could continue on, and start using sexual touch or action to express that affection.

That's a good description.

 

But this has me asking, where is the line between sexual touch/action and non-sexual touch/action? To me, kissing is already on the sexual map, but apparently to others it is not. Probably a kiss on the forehead or cheek is not much sexual to anyone, not to me anyway, but kissing on the lips is probably at least reserved for a partner, as opposed to close relatives and friends. And how about a kiss on the hand, or shoulder or throat/neck? To me that is very sexual, but to others maybe not?

 

So I thought, maybe the concept is that if you want it to go further and further, then it is sexual. If you just plain want to hug or kiss the other person, it's not sexual. But if hugging the person is stage one, a premis, and kissing is the next stage, and you wouldn't kiss unless you've hugged them first, and then you figure out a stage three that you wouldn't dream of doing to a person unless you've hugged and kissed them first, then it's sexual. I'm really just making this up right now. It's interesting to think about it.

 

Let's take the example with a kiss on the forehead. 1) To my kids: anytime, no sexual thoughts at all; it means "there is love in me for you, you are smaller than me, and I protect you or I comfort you". Something like that. 2) To a close friend: no, not really, unless there is a really emotional situation where my friend needs support and barely can move. I have this feeling that a non-sexual kiss on the forehead somehow expresses that I am stronger than the other person. 3) To a person I'm in love with: if I'd kiss a person on the forehead just because I'm in love whith them, not because I feel stronger, then it would be the fragile start of this spiral of wanting more. To me, it wouldn't make sense to just kiss them on the forehead and then leave it there and continue with foreheadkissing forever. I'd want it to evolve into something "else", something "more dedicated" for partners (less useful for other types of relationships). I'd want the partner to respond. In 1) and 2) the weaker person could continue to be as weak as before, continue crying if they did so, continue be a small child, but in 3) I'd long for a response, not just a response in terms of being kissed back on the forehead, but a response that at the same time is the next question towards me, so that I am the one that needs to respond and so on.

[Turquoise_oOo]

4 hours ago, SusannaC said:

What about the act of kissing gives you pause?  Is it the actual feel of lips touching or something more?  

Hmmmm. That's a very good question. 

 

In general, I have a lot of trouble most physical things. Especially involving other people. There's this big question of "why?". Why are we doing this? Most people would likely answer "because it feels nice"/"because I like to (or) want to". And I'm just very very unsure if it is nice, or if I do like it or is I do want to. It's incredibly hard for me to answer questions about desire or enjoyment. They are hard sensations for me to access without contamination. It's hard to know if they are actually my opinions. 

 

So kissing gives me pause. 'Cause I can't answer the question "why are we kissing" yet. 

 

Did that make sense?

[Turquoise_oOo]

3 hours ago, elisabeth_II said:

t this has me asking, where is the line between sexual touch/action and non-sexual touch/action? 

Exactly! This is the heart of my puzzlement. It's not something people wonder about or describe very often. I assume it is because most people inherently know. And they get it desire to touch sexually. I get the desire to touch affectionately. Though even that I have trouble following through on. But to touch sexually? I just have no idea. 

 

Does that point to asexuality? I'm not sure. 

[Ldlelee]

So, I don't have much experience in this area, either, and almost everybody has explained it well enough already, but for me, it's part aesthetic appreciation. I think that's why the two types of attraction get confused so easily; it's because they're very similar. Sexual attraction, however, has the difference of wanting to express your appreciation for that person, all parts of them, in a physical way. It's like when you see something soft, such as an animal, and you get the urge to touch it. The same goes towards sexual attraction. The touch makes both parties feel good, which is why you do it. Asexual people, on the other hand, don't have the urge to pet the animal, or might not particularly mind but don't feel the need to, or might be completely repulsed by it. It depends on the person.

 

I hope that made a little sense!

[thyristor]

14 hours ago, Turquoise_oOo said:

Does that point to asexuality? I'm not sure. 

 

12 hours ago, CBC said:

Possibly? In my experience, being sexual with someone comes pretty innately.

Agree with "possibly" and obviously different people have different experiences. For me:

 

14 hours ago, Turquoise_oOo said:

It's not something people wonder about or describe very often. I assume it is because most people inherently know. And they get it desire to touch sexually.

I think when a person "wants" something, the want is always derived from one part innate desire and one part cultural assimilation, but the ratio can differ. Some things you like, because you are culturally used to them and/or you see them as achievments on your journey to be part of a culture. I guess, coffee was such a thing for me. Didn't like it until I was surrounded daily by people who'd drink serveral cups and also ask me all the time whether to get one for me too. I still don't really like the taste of it, but I feel comfortable drinking it, as in, I get it deliberately for myself, even if no one else is around.

 

So, peoples' ratio of "innate desire for sex" to "innate desire to be a grown-up, doing grown-up stuff, and the satisfaction that comes from daring to do grown-up stuff or exciting stuff" is different, as well as the overall total desire or non-desire. I guess. 🤔 🙈

 

But the most important thought that passed my mind here was: don't ever feel awkward when you think of applying the lable 'asexual' to yourself. Cave day reasons for being fully assimilated within one's culture don't exist anymore, and we are all free to think and like whatever we want; and thinking and liking or not liking stuff without being urged towards it by culture is the act of living that freedom.

 

[Guest]

6 hours ago, elisabeth_II said:

I think when a person "wants" something, the want is always derived from one part innate desire and one part cultural assimilation, but the ratio can differ. 

Yes exactly. Thank you so much for this. The idea that it's all purely innate is... it ignores so much. We know how to act based on what's been modeled for us. We derive pleasure physically, absolutely, but we have to also derive pleasure mentally, and that's going to depend on the values we place on those actions.

 

We know how to interpret feelings based on the world that's been molded around us. Love does or does not exist depending on where and when you lived. Is it innate? Maybe, but what we call it, how we feel about it, how we prioritize it... that varies. 

 

Anyway, as for what sexual attraction feels like. No idea, really. I've had sex and want to have a lot of sex and am ridiculously in love with and attracted to my partner (hi Ceebs!), but in terms of sexual attraction... in its smallest form its a heightened awareness of someone, I suppose, but since I'm able to feel the "I want to touch you now" type of attraction, that's the type that's relevant to me, personally. 

 

EDIT: Oh but also!! There's another, waaaay more subtle element. When you're younger and gay, for instance, you may not know you're gay yet, but you're drawn to gay things. You like gay couples, you relate to gay storylines, etc. If you find yourself drawn to representations of attraction, that on its own is a sign. 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, CBC said:

You mean like when I got warm fuzzies watching a middle-aged lesbian couple at a walk-in clinic and was really excited but also cried? 😂

Lol exactly. Or like how I could quote Fried Green Tomatoes by memory as a 12 year old. 😂

[Traveler40]

Wait, was Idgie gay?!? How about Maryanne and Wanda?
 

Wow! I loved FGT, but never even thought they were gay. Now, I haven’t seen it in decades, but maybe need to get a fresh look. I guess we see what we want to see in just about everything.  I recall incredible friendship there,  and also separately recall thinking “Maryanne and Wanda were just the best of friends” as well....😂

[kiaroskuro]

11 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Wait, was Idgie gay?!? How about Maryanne and Wanda?
 

Wow! I loved FGT, but never even thought they were gay. Now, I haven’t seen it in decades, but maybe need to get a fresh look. I guess we see what we want to see in just about everything.  I recall incredible friendship there,  and also separately recall thinking “Maryanne and Wanda were just the best of friends” as well....😂

Nah, the two have something going on. There's incredible sexual chemistry. It's clear to me now, but it wasn't clear to me when I watched it as a kid.

It's true that we see what we want to see. *coughcough* But Wikipedia actually says that the food fight scene was supposed to be 'symbolic love-making', and that makes a lot of sense to me. In the novel on which the film is based, the lesbian romance is supposed to be more explicit. I need to read it again.

 

On 12/14/2019 at 11:41 PM, SusannaC said:

Sexual attraction for me is the desire to be physically & intimately connected to that person.  This desire doesn’t come without some other emotional and intellectual connection first, and is more like a slow realization.   I become aware that MORE than just talking and kissing and lightly touching would be enjoyable.  The other persons body is physically appealing to me but the emotional pull is also pretty strong as well, and essential for me to want to act.  

^ This is one of the most helpful descriptions of sexual attraction that I came across on AVEN. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

 

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Wait, was Idgie gay?!? How about Maryanne and Wanda?
 

Wow! I loved FGT, but never even thought they were gay. Now, I haven’t seen it in decades, but maybe need to get a fresh look. I guess we see what we want to see in just about everything.  I recall incredible friendship there,  and also separately recall thinking “Maryanne and Wanda were just the best of friends” as well....😂

Idgie and Ruth were gay together. It was more explicit in the novel. 

[Philip027]

If there's no part of you that has wanted to have sexual interactions with anyone, you haven't felt sexual attraction.

 

It's not that complicated, unless you're not even sure whether there's been any part of you that's wanted to have sexual interactions with anyone.

 

Quote

I find when I adore someone. When I just enjoy them so much, I do feel that intense need to express it. Smile, speak. Touch even. My brain goes through increasingly more extravagant ways of expressing my deep enjoyment of this dear person. Huge their arm, get real close. Yes, maybe kiss them (though I'm still not sure about that). But then the list stops. I could get more creative maybe, in my expression of deep enjoyment. But the list never includes sexual things. 

Then that seems pretty clear cut to me, don't you think?