Is this an ace thing

[Guest]

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Edited October 2, 2020 by Guest
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[the great acescape]

Hello! I'm nearly 30 and in a similar boat. I've more or less accepted that I'm ace, but the jury's still out on whether I'm aro. I haven't closed myself off to it, certainly, but I think this will be a process of discovery.

 

There's certainly a chance you could be aromantic, and that's fine. I would encourage you to just keep exploring what that means for you, or if you find the label to be liberating or helpful in any way. Accepting that I was ace gave a name to my experience and made me feel less alone. If I end up realizing that I'm aroace, then that's fine too. 

[Catpaws]

I am watching this thread with curiosity since I feel like I'm in the same boat, although I'm a couple of decades older than you.

 

I call myself heteroromantic because I love the idea of a relationship, but in reality none of my relationships have lasted longer than about a month and I haven't even attempted dating for about 15 years now. Given that I say I'm interested in relationships, my life habits sure don't support that, so I'm also not really sure whether that's an aspirational "I would like a relationship" that doesn't match my reality. That said, I do feel like there's a bit of a lack in my life without some sort of romantic aspect to it, or at the very least I think I'd like to try it, which I suspect answers the question that yes I'm a romantic who would like a relationship since I do feel like there might be something missing in my life.

 

On the other hand, maybe it's okay if we don't know yet. I know I'd love finding a label that I knew down to my bones fit me exactly, but maybe it's just not quite that simple. Also, there may be other extenuating reasons as well - in my case, I know I have some trust issues, and that can certainly affect dating habits. Maybe you could try on a few labels and see which feels more true?

[Andrea KF]

Hello

Yeah, I've used dating apps too, and found it quite boring.

 

If You're, like me, not really interested in dating, that sounds like an aro-ace thing.

 

Maybe You can try different labels on the aromantic spectrum and feel if someone is comfortable to You.

I'm not too sure of myself yet, and it may take a while.

 

 

 

 

 

[fuzzipueo]

Welcome to AVEN ainesfernandes & the great acescape!

 

The way you describe being interested, but the actuality being exhausting? Sounds a lot like me. I like the idea, but putting myself out there? No thanks. I've never wanted a romantic relationship, to be sure, but when I do contemplate the idea, I find I want just go hide out in my own space and read a book. A book requires a lot less work than to interact with another person and I'm a low energy person as it is (big time introvert). 😴

 

However you decide, I hope you find your time here fun and fruitful.

[Guest]

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Edited October 2, 2020 by Guest
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[the great acescape]

I can very much relate to the effort it takes to connect with people and feel safe around them. It was difficult trying to make friends when I was focused on myself as someone who was not normal and needed to be fixed, and I'm sure it showed. I tried to avoid talking about sex or dating, and if those topics ever came up I would lie, and then have to try and keep track of the different lies I was telling. It was exhausting, ultimately unfulfilling, and most importantly, it didn't help me connect with people.

 

Accepting that I was ace simply means that I don't focus my efforts on fooling others anymore, and also don't focus on the feeling that I'm not normal. Interacting with others just became easier as a result. Keep in mind I'm not out to everyone - I'm just out to me, finally, and that really does make a difference. That's why I would give yourself permission to explore these labels, because once you find one that fits it's just that much easier to decide what's important to you. 

 

Also, with regards to this:

 

Quote

I've always envisioned having a romantic relationship, a special person that knows all there is to know about me and whom I know better than anyone. 

Emphasis mine, but I was telling my best friend about this last week, and she tells me "that's honestly how I've viewed my relationship with you" (minus the romance part, obviously). Then she told me that apparently Caitlyn Jenner, for example, has a platonic partner that she lives with?  My point being that there's lots of different ways you can find fulfillment in relationships. As my friend so aptly said, "the idea that you're not complete without sex or romance is bullshit"

[metelyk]

I agree with other posters, that it is a good idea to explore the possibility of being aro, try on different labels and see how they feel, etc. Doing this was important for me, since I had to first accept the idea of me being aro before actually accepting me being aro. Exploring that idea can't hurt - at worst, you will find out it just isn't you after all

 

As for the rest, it sounds very similar to how I felt several years ago. I really wanted a romantic relationship, because I felt like that was the only acceptable relationship in which you could be intimate (emotionally and physically) with someone. I wanted that safety of having a person I could rely on. So I tried dating and I was even in a relationship for several months, but it felt very, very wrong, like there was a disconnect between what I was experiencing/feeling and what the other person was. I did not understand how I could want to be in a relationship and love the other person, as much as I have ever loved anybody, but still not feel comfortable.

 

Eventually I realised my feelings for these people were platonic, not romantic, and everything I had ever wanted from these relationships I could have in a friendship. I never wanted the romantic aspects of a relationship, just the closeness and safety, and now I know I can be just as close and safe with a friend  One of my breakthrough moments was when I realised I never have to date again if I am aro. Not never be able to date again, never have to. It made me feel a wave of relief, and then I thought "oh - I guess I am aro then, hah". It might be worth asking yourself if you want a romantic relationship and date people because you actually want this, or just because of pressure from society, or because you believe those are the only acceptable ways to be close to people. Are the things you want from relationships really romantic, or can they be platonic as well? If you had a close friendship with someone, would you feel like something is missing because it is not romantic, or would you be satisfied? Asking those questions helped me understand my feelings better, maybe it will for you too.

[Guest]

17 hours ago, ainesfernandes said:

Ok, reading your answers is amazing! It seems there are a lot of us in the same boat.

I've always envisioned having a romantic relationship, a special person that knows all there is to know about me and whom I know better than anyone. To have that connection and feel safe with them. But it just takes so much to find someone to accept you as you are and I have to patience for small talk and I require a lot of alone time, otherwise I feel tired and traped so it's hard. But at the same time, I feel very happy by myself and feel perfectly capable of achieving everything I've ever wanted without being in a relationship. I guess I just won't worry about it and if happens it does and if not it's cool xD 

Feel free to use this thread to discuss more about this and share your story! It's cool to talk about this stuff with people that actually understand and care!

Maybe you are a romantic that just wants a non-traditional relationship? 

 

Example, Tim Burton and his gf couldnt live together cause they both needed their own space. But they ended up having kids. So they bought two apartments next to each other and remodeled them to have connecting doors, with a living room in between them. So, they each had their own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc but when they wanted family time they could go to the mutual living room. And they could visit each others apartment but it was each to their own. 

 

Some people who are more introverted or need a lot of alone time feel smothered with traditional.relationships and need to find someone compatible with their idea of a non-traditional one.