gender expectations + hormones + rant advice pls?

[poopersupreme]

i'm starting to have this feeling that even though the people close to me tend to use my pronouns [he/him] it's beginning to seem like it is out of politeness, i'm starting to get the sense they don't see me as a boy. i don't know if that distinction makes sense, if not let me know and i'll try again. i am also planning on top surgery, though i already bind and have a pretty small chest to begin with. i have a suspicion that somehow a medical procedure will make me "more trans" to the cis criteria, this leads to my actual real life please help question crisis. i am kind of indifferent when it comes to testosterone, i mean it would be pretty rad to dare i say grow a mustache but i don't need it, the only thing that appeals to me about testosterone is a chance at being seen as a boy. my crisis lies in the fact that hormonal magic would be mostly for the benefit of other people. it is just so alienating and grows so much self doubt that the people close to me don't see the boy i see in the mirror . i'd really like to hear from anyone with similar experiences or wisdom of any kind. 

big love and thanks in advance ❤️ 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Well, I think there's some tough situations sometimes. I would bet a ton of people use gender pronouns just to be polite. It's extremely hard to see someone trans as the opposite gender sometimes. Some people need a lot more time to process that, especially depending on their perception of you. At least they're trying to be respectful, which is all we can ask.

 

I care a LOT about what people think of me, so I get it. But I also know I have to stop caring so much about it The most important is how we see ourselves. Valuing yourself is definitely the most important. You have to decide how important your image is, and if it's worth doing it or not. Sometimes it may be enough to go for it, but don't forget changing hormones also comes with possible health changes and more. You really do need to feel in yourself and ask what's important to you. You may find your image matters a lot and you want to go for it. Or you may think yeah screw how they see me, I know I'm a boy. The more you accept yourself, the easier it'll be for others to see that confidence and see a bit more of you, as well.

In my case I'm on hormones and I do it for me especially, but for my image as well. I don't know how far I'll go, because I don't actually want big breasts, but I need to find the balance that I'm comfortable with overall.

Anyway, that's my thoughts

[Galactic Turtle]

Speaking as someone from the outside of your particular experience, it is impossible to control the way people think. A lot of people on this forum go to great lengths to not be seen in a sexual way, for example, but they can't control the thoughts of those around them. All they can do is say "I'm not interested in sex" and hope people don't try to have sex with them.

 

I know a few trans/nb people, and just like someone telling me their own name I use the pronouns they want me to use. But that won't change the way my brain perceives them. I'm not gonna be a dick about it of course, but that's just how my brain processes images in front of my eyes. The only bizarre situations I could come up with where I might have to reveal how my brain perceives a trans person is if for some reason I was expected to be naked in the same room with or sleep in the same room with someone of the opposite sex. That would make me uncomfortable so I'd request different arrangements as stealthily as possible.

 

I wouldn't make any changes to your body that you're uncomfortable with.

[wyrdwyrm]

Testosterone can do more for you than just facial hair - it can deepen your voice, alter your musculature, even change how you react emotionally to things. (It can increase energy and libido, so even women may benefit from small doses.) If you care about how other people perceive you (or how you perceive yourself), testosterone can be a big game-changer.

In conversations with a few transmen, they've also described how taking testosterone just made them feel right.

 

That being said, I tried testosterone about a year or so ago - partially because small doses felt like a really good shot of caffeine & I was hoping for some extra stamina, partially because some part of me wondered if I was trans and was just in denial. Turns out that my body dysmorphia is not secretly gender dysmorphia, I never felt that sense of rightness, and in the end I wasn't interested in the changes I was experiencing. (For anyone wondering, it had no noticeable difference on my libido or asexuality.)

 

I suppose I'm saying that testosterone is something you can try without committing to, but like Galactic Turtle just said above, don't feel pressured to do anything to your body that you're uncomfortable with.

[Janus the Fox]

11 hours ago, wyrdwyrm said:

Testosterone can do more for you than just facial hair - it can deepen your voice, alter your musculature, even change how you react emotionally to things. (It can increase energy and libido, so even women may benefit from small doses.) If you care about how other people perceive you (or how you perceive yourself), testosterone can be a big game-changer.

In conversations with a few transmen, they've also described how taking testosterone just made them feel right.

 

That being said, I tried testosterone about a year or so ago - partially because small doses felt like a really good shot of caffeine & I was hoping for some extra stamina, partially because some part of me wondered if I was trans and was just in denial. Turns out that my body dysmorphia is not secretly gender dysmorphia, I never felt that sense of rightness, and in the end I wasn't interested in the changes I was experiencing. (For anyone wondering, it had no noticeable difference on my libido or asexuality.)

 

I suppose I'm saying that testosterone is something you can try without committing to, but like Galactic Turtle just said above, don't feel pressured to do anything to your body that you're uncomfortable with.

This I like as well, even for the opposite in taking feminising hormones.  If say changing oneself through non medical means is not enough to ease dysphoria, taking a hormone, as long as it’s safe or realistic to do so, can change how a person can internally feel over time even if the dose is small or any physical change actually does occur.

 

And for that reason, if it where safe and realistic to try T Blockers and/or E to feel internally comfortable beyond gender expression I would.  I grow weary of a body that don’t fit right with me and that’s even long after diet and lifestyle changed the body a great deal already.

[anisotrophic]

I started T for the external reasons, because I wanted to have a more physically masculine body...

 

And yeah, hormones have a lot of different effects -- some subtle but really do feed how people "read" you, like fat redistribution. My upper arms are looking totally different between fat redistribution and muscle changes. That stuff affects the face & neck, too. My voice is lowering.

 

And, like @wyrdwyrm says, I can decide to stop. Some things would slowly revert (fat & muscles), others would mostly stay (voice, hair changes). (Those "permanent changes" are mostly things that AMAB folks face too, who can become very feminine imho, which makes them a lot less scary to me  )

 

But all that said: I was surprised to discover how much it affects my emotions, and as a result I'm feeling internally more masculine. I really like that -- or at least, I really like exploring it. And always knowing that I can switch back, if I decide I want a feminine phase. (For now, I want to keep exploring masculinity & am at full dose.)

 

I haven't been planning top surgery, but I can imagine I might become more interested in it if my breasts (which I usually bind) feel too discordant with the rest of me. I really like that hormones are a more reversible thing, and I like experiencing the effect on my emotions & behavior.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I haven't felt that many changes from hormones yet, besides sensitivity and feeling a little calmer in general. Well my sexuality's changed some, so I guess that counts But I'm still looking for more internal changes, that and fat redistribution and more. It takes time. But I definitely feel better about being on them. My dysphoria is still there though. I got some more things to try to work out 😮

[anisotrophic]

4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

feeling a little calmer in general.

That's funny, I feel calmer too! But... less sensitive. I felt borderline bpd before. Maybe it is about relieving dysphoria, or maybe people just experience these hormonal states in different ways. (I think the latter is really true, bodies respond differently to these things.)

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

That's funny, I feel calmer too! But... less sensitive. I felt borderline bpd before. Maybe it is about relieving dysphoria, or maybe people just experience these hormonal states in different ways. (I think the latter is really true, bodies respond differently to these things.)

Definitely less dysphoria can help with that. I feel more calm in my body though. I think it's the lack of testosterone. I'm in the female range for E now, and my T is almost non-existent.