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Asexual & Divorced


OtakuYoGoo

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So when I first joined AVEN it was because I was trying to figure out my sexuality and my panic behind my upcoming marriage. When I got married, I knew my partner was a very sexual person. I knew this and yet... Anyway, we had several discussions about my sexual drive and asexuality before we married and during the marriage. However, we recently got divorced after close to 7 yrs. This was mainly because my unwillingness to have more sex. It felt like a chore. And we all hate chores. (well mostly of us) lol.  When we married I did my best to have sex at least five times a month [which apparently isn't enough]  and as time went on it got down to twice a month and then we just went a whole year with no sex [which I was happy about but he wasn't nor faithful]. There were other problems, but truly everything stemmed from the sex. So I asked him why did he marry me when we both knew sex was going to play a big factor since he likes it "needs it", and he said, "well I thought that would change." And I said, "why did you think that when I told you it wouldn't? It actually got worse!" He said, "well I thought counseling and dealing with your past would help and I thought I could change that myself too. I thought you would learn to desire me." I said, "it's not that I don't desire you. it's that I don't desire sex.". 
Anyway, as you can probably tell or guess I'm very frustrated and actually devastated. I really do love him and have a strong attraction but I just couldn't get the sex part. I felt nothing from it. I never wanted to have it. I did it only to please him and it gave me no gratification even though I did it to make him happy.

The divorce is still fresh. Hasn't even been a month. But as I'm going through these continued daily waves of intense emotions ranging from utter hopelessness to manic happiness, I'm terrified of my future "love life", to even try to pursue anyone else. Because they say they understand, but they really don't. And you're or rather me is just left with this defeated feeling.

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was good to read your story. Sex does matter to sexual people.

 

hope you can find some peace, try not to be scared of the future, that's you imagining stuff.

Sounds like a difficult time in your life so sending you digital hugs

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I'm really sorry he expected you to change. I think it's really important for a sexual partner to understand it's a chore and approach it as a gift, with gratitude.

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Otaku, you're telling my story :) I'm 58 and divorced after 16 years of being devoted, romantic, everything he wanted, but I just couldn't do the sex anymore. Not me or him, just his misunderstanding of what I am and my misunderstanding of whether I could fake enjoyment indefinitely to keep the other wonderful parts of our marriage.  

 

The best way I've found to deal with sex is when you get close with someone look them right in the eye and say "I'm a romantic asexual. We can be close, cuddle, share wonderful moments.  But not sex. In a relationship with me, you will never, ever get laid. Are you hearing me?" Don't convince yourself you can just go along once in a while and think of England, or physics, or Game of Thrones, because now you know better. Don't beat yourself up for what happened in the past, just go forward knowing this is how it is. I strongly recommend while you're still fragile in-person connection with some other Ace's so you get the emotional support you need, and if a relationship starts to develop with someone you won't have to send them to a website or do a sexless-ed lecture to explain exactly who you are.  

 

Best wishes as you work on a life you truly enjoy, where you can be yourself with the people you love. Cause it's gonna happen. 

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AceMissBehaving

That’s really rough, it’s hard to take a person at their word after something like this happens, and it might take some time to heal, but at least you have a fresh start on a new future, and one where you can be more comfortable and understood 

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Hello @OtakuYoGoo 

 

I am going through the same exact situation currently. Tried to start a new relationship after my spouse left me and now am in the same boat arguing about sex. Tried telling them everything in the beginning but that didn't work either. I wish I had a solution to share that would help but I don't I'm sorry. But hope that the future will be brighter is the only thing I keep telling my self. Also just want to say you took the word right out is my mouth about sex being a chore. It is fun once and a blue but other then that I feel it to be a unnecessary for a relationship unneeded to be romantic or show affection. Best wishes for you and that things work out.

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Although I never married, I was in a relationship with somebody for over 2 years.

From their behaviour, I think I was just a means to an end - to have sex, and have children (which seems to be her only reason for living).

 

I made it clear early on that I was ace, but she was adamant that I was, 'broken' and needed fixing. I thought I may have been as well - so I want to see 'experts.'

They thought they could change me. She thought she could change me too.

 

I eventually realised that I was ace, and that wouldn't change.

 

Needless to say, it came to an end, but we lived together for a while afterwards. As soon as we formally ended the relationship (on good terms), they were off dating other people immediately that weekend, which left me feeling like a silver medal.

 

It felt like a rejection of me as a person because I put everything I had into it and tried to be supportive of them (they had parental issues), but the emotional support was never reciprocated. I actually felt awful as my feelings weren't seemingly considered at all.

 

Needless to say, I had to move on, but it took a while. That fact is no surprise in any break-up

 

I had to realise that I am not nor was I ever the problem. I am who I am, and the only person that deserves me is somebody that loves me for all my upsides, and my faults, and also embraces asexuality.

 

Give yourself all the time you need to move on, and also learn to love yourself again. When you feel the time is right, see if you can meet other aces in your area via Meetup. That's what I've done and it's one of the safest environments I've been in. It's the only time, EVER, that I feel a kinship with people that I've only just met.

 

One of the hardest parts of being ace is emotional isolation, at least in my experience. Just being around other aces and sharing your experiences can really help. You'll also hear other people's stories, and realise that plenty of other people can relate to you, even if their stories aren't exactly the same.

 

There are also ace dating sites etc. so there's an avenue for you to get back in there if that's an avenue you wish to explore at some point

 

Everybody here wishes you the best. Keep posting and sharing. It may help you. It helped me a lot when I felt down and alone.

These forums are great and are a safe place for people to share as much as they need to :)

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@OtakuYoGoo

 

I'm sorry to hear that, and you're not alone here 🙂

Best of luck moving forward.

 

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