Need advice for a "date"

[jolapin]

Hello,

 

I'm going to have a "date" on Sunday, and that would be the first time since I identify as ace, and still questioning if I'm aro as well. 

 

For a bit of context, we don't know each other a lot. I'm teaching evening classes and she was one of the student (that are casual evening classes and she's older than me - this is not a creepy Teacher/student situation). She added me on Facebook a few days after the last class and we started talking. We're going to meet for coffee on Sunday.

 

Basically I'm struggling about how and when talk about the fact that I'm ace, maybe aro, and mainly looking for a QPR. Should I just explain to her my situation before we meet, on would it be better to talk about it when we meet?

Also, any advice on how to handle this conversation?

 

Thanks a lot for the help, and sorry if those question have been asked a thousand times.

[That Ginger Kid]

It’s always best to address stuff like this immediately, that way no one is confused on intentions. I’d get my coffee, talk a bit, and explain my situation when an opportune time came about. If it doesn’t, make sure you insert it somewhere. It’s definitely a scary thing to bring up, but it’s necessary in relationships. If you feel more comfortable discussing it over Facebook, maybe just do it there (I know I’m more comfortable talking to people over the internet or text versus face-to-face). Hopefully your date goes well

[Sinking_In]

Don't let it be a source of stress/ anxiety. You are who you are, and if she's showing a romantic interest, then you can reassure her that you like her in a platonic sort of way, and then you can go into your being ACE, if you'd like. That is up to you, and how you gauge the situation. Of course, any chance to raise awareness of asexuality is a good thing. Good luck, and enjoy the company  

[jolapin]

On 12/10/2019 at 3:53 PM, That Ginger Kid said:

It’s always best to address stuff like this immediately, that way no one is confused on intentions. I’d get my coffee, talk a bit, and explain my situation when an opportune time came about. If it doesn’t, make sure you insert it somewhere. It’s definitely a scary thing to bring up, but it’s necessary in relationships. If you feel more comfortable discussing it over Facebook, maybe just do it there (I know I’m more comfortable talking to people over the internet or text versus face-to-face). Hopefully your date goes well

Thanks for the advice, it does help not to overthink abouth it :) I agree that it's necessary, and that's why I want to talk about it right away ^^ I'm not really comfortable to talk about it either online or irl as it would be the first time I have that talk, but I think irl is better anyway.

[jolapin]

On 12/10/2019 at 4:28 PM, Sinking_In said:

Don't let it be a source of stress/ anxiety. You are who you are, and if she's showing a romantic interest, then you can reassure her that you like her in a platonic sort of way, and then you can go into your being ACE, if you'd like. That is up to you, and how you gauge the situation. Of course, any chance to raise awareness of asexuality is a good thing. Good luck, and enjoy the company  

Thanks a lot, having advices helped getting the anxiety low 😊

I actually want to talk about my asexuality, because it's important to me. I mean, if she react badly to it, at least it would have been quick^^ And I've "closeted" for most of my life, I don"'t want to "hide" anymore (I "realised" -don't know what word to use here tbh) I was asexual 6-7 months ago).

[Guest]

I would do it after the 2nd date before the 3rd at the latest. Probably after the first is best. Then you know if you like each other and can decide ok if we wanna date more this is the situation do we work. 

[henshin]

On 12/10/2019 at 3:53 PM, That Ginger Kid said:

It’s always best to address stuff like this immediately, that way no one is confused on intentions. I’d get my coffee, talk a bit, and explain my situation when an opportune time came about. If it doesn’t, make sure you insert it somewhere.

I'm going to say don't do this. 

 

Sure it's important to tell someone you want to have a relationship with but this date isn't about anything more than figuring out if you like each and gel. 

 

Telling this person that you're ace and potentially aro will feel like a brush off for her and you'll shoot yourself in the foot if she's interested in knowing you better. At best she'll question your motivation for being there, at worst she'll feel embarrassed and have no idea how to react.

 

I know it is scary to not immediately come out cus it puts this barrier up between you and that person, but the barrier isn't necessary right now. It will become so if you want a relationship with her, but you're not there yet. 

[Skycaptain]

I'm for the "be open from the start" party. If either side is looking for something that the other side aren't interested in, better to avoid wasting everyone's time

[AspieAlly613]

The main question is "why is this a date rather than 'just hanging out' "?

[kiaroskuro]

I was wondering the same - why is this a date and not just an 'innocent' meetup with a new acquaintance? (Sorry if this is a naive question, but I find date culture very confusing. We don't have it in my country.)

[nanogretchen4]

I think if you have never come out to anyone you probably are not ready to date. Take some time and come to terms with your sexual and romantic orientations. You can't have a QPR until you are comfortable expressing what kind of relationship you are looking for. In the meantime you can have non-exclusive platonic friendships with multiple people. If you get close enough to one of your friends that you are ready to be very clear and honest about your orientation and what kind of relationship you want, at that point you could ask that person if they want the same type of relationship with you. As for this coffee meeting, if after coffee and conversation you and she both want to meet again, you are going to have to verbally clarify that you do not want to date and are literally only looking for platonic friendship. You don't have to come out, but you do have to kill any hopes for romance you may have given her by singling her out for a one on one meeting.