Mating in Captivity

[Chiaroscuro]

Oh, and re: Lust. Bunny's right about lust driving you to seek out a person't company in a romantic way. Relationships can come about for a lot of reasons, of course. Someone you've known as a friend for a long time whom you suddenly find yourself involved with. But mostly, it's the other way around. Here's my little story with Sunset:

I was out of college, working at becoming an artist, and I was pulling into my driveway after a day in the studio. This beautiful woman was standing in the middle of my driveway with her dog, blocking it. He was a little dog, and very stubbornly sniffing something. She tugged and tugged, and finally had to drag him out of the way. Once I parked, I started to talk to her. I was drawn to her clear eyes, high cheekbones... just in every way a captivating woman. I was amused by the incident, and I was looking for a model to do a series of paintings around. I asked her to model for me, she agreed, and when I was taking pictures of her the next day, I knew I wanted to explore a romance with her.

I don't think that's an unusual way for a relationship to start. It isn't some brainless, lust-mad lunging after objects of desire. But when I give the frumpy bank-teller my deposit slip, I don't think "wow, I'd like to get involved with her." No insult to her, of course :) Conversely, when I met Sunset, I just felt pulled towards her. And not in a "I'd like to share my interest in small, stubborn dogs with you" kind of way.

-Chiaroscuro

[sakura_alice]

that's a very sweet story :o

[M51]

I've experienced what sounds like the exact same sort of instant attraction. Sometimes I can pinpoint t a specific feature or trait, sometimes I can't. But Chiaroscuro, I do not think your initial attraction to sunset was necessarily sexual or lustful at all, or at least not primarily so.

As an asexual, I have a hard time distinguishing between my senses of physical attraction, physical affection, romantic attraction, romantic affection...they blend and merge in ways I can't always figure out where one stops and the other starts. I imagine for sexuals it is similar, but now they have sexual attraction and desire thrown in the mix.

So no, I do not think the majority of relationships come about through lust. I think sexual people sometimes confuse lust with all the other things they are experiencing. I don't say this to sound all wise and all knowing or something; like I said I confuse all the things I am experiencing, too. In the past, before I realized I was asexual, I often confused what I was experiencing with lust, too (I didn't really understand what lust was; I thought it must be the desire I felt for another person, but I realize now that desire was always nonsexual). It is not until something is taken out of the equation completely that you can really be sure where the line is. And even then sometimes it is blurry.

[Chiaroscuro]

I think sexual people sometimes confuse lust with all the other things they are experiencing.

Yes, that may be true, Em (may I call you Em? or do you prefer Em Fiftyone?). Mostly I think every moment we're feeling a blend of all sorts of emotions. I certainly did notice Sunset with my sensual eye. I'm a sexual man (and was a young man, back then), and my sexuality informs my feelings about all sorts of things. But sexual desire wasn't an isolated feeling, or even paramount. It was blended with curiosity, humor, irritation at not being able to park, and admiration (as an artist), of her beauty.

-Chiaroscuro

[M51]

You can call me whatever you would like to call me...

:)