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Am I ace or aro?

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Hi, I'm V (they/them); here's a list of some traits. **TW NSFW** if that bothers you or you'd prefer to not read general sexual explanations. I'm ultra confused because for a LONG time I wasn't aware that asexuals could have sex, or that sexual desire was different from attraction. (baby ace and aro here)


  • I've only felt what I think is romantic attraction to one person in my life, after a VERY strong emotional bond. I felt really warm and fuzzy, and just knew I wanted to be close to them as much as possible. However, a week into the relationship, I ended it because I felt uncomfortable due to wanting to figure out my ace and aro self.
  • I continually tend to literally forget I was supposed to have crushes on people, or chose someone to be my crush of the week because everyone else was doing it.
  • I've never felt sexual attraction to a celebrity, someone on TV, or an acquaintance, or anyone in passing. 
  • I'm attracted to male identified people only. (maybe a few masc enbies, but those are exceptions)
  • I'm a bottom, and enjoy receiving 100% of the time. in no way am I a giver. could be secondary desire?
  • I don't fantasize. I have sex, yes but I don't actually fantasize about the specific person.... if I feel anything it's for the physical pleasure of the actual sexual interaction.
  • If my libido is high and I see someone attractive who I like and respects me, then I'll probably have sex with them rather than masturbate, seeing as partnered sex is better for me than masturbation. 
  • I have casual sex with people I'm not closely emotionally connected to and it's still physically enjoyable, but I often get flighty and don't care much about following up with making it a continuous relationship. This ends up in me literally forgetting that that person exists, which sounds mean, but from the start I usually make it incredibly clear how casual it is.
  • I see sex as something to satisfy my libido, not this deep romantic and physical connection and bond between two lovers.  
  • I have a pretty high libido.
  • I feel like I've probably been sexually attracted to men, but sometimes I doubt this.
  • Once I knew that sexual desire and attraction were different, a lot of things clicked for me. I've wanted to have sex, generally from someone I am comfortable with, but I'm unsure if I've ever really felt "attracted" to them.
  • I have disassociated before during sex for unknown reasons.
  • If I can't have sex with someone, I don't feel anything sexual towards them. 
  • I have tried to force myself to feel romantic attraction, and it just... didn't work.
  • I see women as super aesthetically pleasing, and I've tried having sex and romance with a few, but it never really went anywhere, and I don't think I felt much other than the physical sensation of sex being nice and them being aesthetically pleasing, like nice art.
  • Same thing with men, but less so - they can be also very aesthetically pleasing.
  • I think being trans might have something to do with all of this?
  • I'm worried I'll go on T and all of this will change.
  • I don't fantasize about people. Ever.
  • I do not connect romance and sex whatsoever. Maybe this is because I'm aro spec, but sex is like "cleaning out the plumbing".
  • Often I get upset for not being able to want serious, committed monogamy and romance.
  • When I masturbate, I don't really think about anything in particular. like yes I'll watch pornographic material because there's nothing else I can really do to get myself off, but I won't think of specific people. I just look at the imagery and try to do what feels good.


If you reply to this I'll appreciate you for forever because seriously, I'm so goddamn confused. ;(



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Welcome around. I see that there's maybe reason for a little confusion there. It's ok though, however you are, but I do think you might not be exactly like you think. It seems to me that you're not asexual, and possibly are demiromantic. (or at least in the gray area)


So long as you know how you feel about things, that's the most important, the label is secondary. I hope that makes sense.

" I see sex as something to satisfy my libido, not this deep romantic and physical connection and bond between two lovers.   "
-that's not what sexual attraction is about at all. You've just described someone sexual. That's how a lot of guys think haha, even if they can get a lot more attracted to the person or body. And fantasizing about people is separate from physical desire, quite a few aces fantasize, but they're not able to make the connection for the physical part.

So here's the question, and I'm curious what others will think: Would you be masturbating instead of having sex if you were ace?
I can't answer that at this point, but i would think if you're not attracted to others' bodies, that you wouldn't feel the pleasure you do from doing so, and especially if there's no romance in it, then it means you're able to enjoy the sexuality with someone else.

I'm not saying you're not asexual at some base, and I'm sorry if this potentially causes a bit more confusion but I do think that it's hard to label someone asexual who's sexually active in this way. You could be gray-asexual too. May be something to think about.


And again like I said, it's more important to know how you feel. The label isn't as important as knowing and accepting yourself :)

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Ace is an orientation.  

Aro means you aren't interested in a close romantic relationship.  


Aces can be romantic or aromantic, just as sexuals can.



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Welcome to the forums!


I'm not able to tell you you're identity, but from what you said it sounds like you could be aromantic sexual. I think it's relatively common to have casual sex with people you don't care for among sexual communities, but I suppose that is usually interspersed with romantic relationships. 


I'm not saying you couldn't be asexual but I don't think many aces have casual sex or would prefer it to masturbating. 

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