Married, hetero, ace or demi and not sure how to gather more data

[chidemiorace]

I can't tell historically if I've ever felt sexual attraction to a person before. I want and have pursued romantic relationships with the opposite sex and am in a long term marriage that has no sex-life. That works for me, but I've been in therapy for the last few years because it hasn't worked for my wife. It clicked for me the other day when someone asked in a party-card game what horniness felt like and I realized I didn't know and had always written it off as something people use to describe people who focus on sex.

 

I just told my wife that I'm exploring where I fall on the asexual spectrum and she's been supportive, but I'd really like to know how I can determine if I'm demisexual. We've had a lot of rough patches that have left me emotionally distant from my wife and while we're working to repair that harm and things are getting much better, I am not interested in participating in or initiating sex with her. I'm honestly not clear about the early years of our marriage either. Sex has never been a big part of any of my few relationships, and I was in a church for a long time and dealt with their expectations on sexuality as well.

I want to have a realistic expectation for both of us as to whether or not interest in sex will ever develop for me. I'm looking for resources on refining my own understanding of what, if anything, might evoke sexual attraction without putting additional stress on my marriage.

[AceMissBehaving]

Since I’m not demisexual, I’m just plain old asexual, so I’m not sure what kind of timelines most demi people experience in terms of how long it can take for the sexual component to kick in.
 

That said if the issue was needing a closer emotional bond to develop before sexual feelings develop, the stress and pressure from an unsatisfied partner could make it harder to get to a place where you feel comfortable enough to start experiencing sexual attraction.

 

For me the times in my relationship where I have felt the closest and most connected with my husband have been times when we have managed to have extended periods of  intimate non sexual experiences without any pressure for sex to happen. Things like open honest exploration of our feelings and experiences, non sexual physical affection like cuddles, hair stroking etc.

 

I don’t know if you already have these things, need these things, or even want these things, but it might be a place to start if you’re testing out possible demisexualty, and your partner is able to try this with you without and sexual pressure.

 

It’s also possible that like with a lot of us, that part just isn’t there to “awaken”

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey there. 🌞
I'm not sure it has to do with a time frame for demisexuals (though it can still take time to feel good with someone), it mostly has to do with how you feel about the person and if you can get roused into it or not. I agree with @AceMissBehaving that things like pressure can make it harder to get into any of it. It may not even be your wife, it could be the internal pressure you feel.
Those intimate periods without pressure is what can actually lead to sex for some demisexuals, because it's easier to feel love and close in those times. For me, because I'm pretty sensual, it's not that hard to bridge into sexuality, but if the vibe isn't right it won't feel good and I'll lose the desire for sex. If I feel like I can back away from it and go back to simple 'being' with my partner, no pressure for it, I feel better and that helps a lot.

My intuition on what you've said so far tells me that you're not strictly demisexual, but it can still be possible to feel it, especially since a part of you wants to be able to have some sexual attraction. You could still be in the 'gray' zone and not know it, but it's safe to say that you're a lot less sexual and normal people, at the very least.

Take care of yourself and let yourself feel love and affection. Just knowing or remembering that you love your wife. See what comes of it.
Some asexuals still please their partners. It works much better when they feel care and just want to help them feel good, etc. I'm just mentioning it in case, but always be true to yourself too, don't force yourself to do something you won't feel comfortable with.

[chidemiorace]

I guess the best way of describing where I'm at is feeling completely asexual while wanting sexual attraction but unable to determine if that want is genuine or pressure to conform/witnessing my twin brother in a relationship with sexual attraction.

Thank you both for your insights. It's nice to finally have a place to go to figure some of this out.