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Emmys

Am I aro?

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Emmys

I don't think I get real crushes, but when I know (or think) someone likes me, I'm not disgusted or upset like most aros seem to be. I usually get really confident, even cocky maybe? Then I often reciprocate the interest, but honestly I don't know if it's real or I'm just trying to be normal. I used to force myself to have crushes on guys as well, I would literally choose out a guy, and try to have the symptoms of crush towards him. Now, they usually seem more real, but to be honest I never get anything akin to a crush without someone showing at least some sort of slight interest in me. 

 

When someone actually shows that they're really interested and want to date me, and theyre not terrible, I usually go along with it, but the whole time I'm generally more anxious then usual. I want to hang out with them, more than I want to hang out with most of my friends, and I'm happy when I'm cuddling them and stuff, and joking around and playing with them, but I don't want to kiss them or anything.

 

Because I feel this extra pull to hang out with them, stronger than what I feel with my friends most of the time, I usually tell them that I like them when they tell me. But it always kind of feels like a lie. Whenever I'm dating/talking to someone,  I get really anxious about everything to do with them when I'm not with them. Sometimes when I'm alone, I get this feeling of either disgust, I'm not sure whether it's with myself or with them, when I think about them. Also I feel ashamed of showing them any affection in front of other people. It feels gross to me to have other people seeing me showing someone affection, even if they already know we're a thing. Also, sometimes I'm conciously afraid of not liking them because it will ruin our friendship ... so that's a thing.

 

Honestly I find that I'm happier when I'm alone, and with my friends, even though the idea of a relationship, (having someone there for you, someone to cuddle, someone who's your main person) sounds really really appealing. I like romance books (at least most parts of them, sex and finding people attractive kinda weirds me out)

 

Then when it feels like that's any kind of obstacle in the "relationship" I get over them super quickly, to the point where I wonder if the feelings existed in the first place. 

 

I'll be honest, the guys I've talked to/dated have not been the best as far as relationship material goes, so who knows, that could have something to do with it. 

 

Also I haven't come out as Ace to any of these guys, honestly I'm not even out to most of my close friends, so maybe I'm just feeling guilty or something. 

 

I honestly have no idea what is going on here, I'm super confused about my feelings. Maybe this is really all just normal and I'm just afraid to admit that I like someone or something like that. Sorry if this post is a total mess 😅

 

Really though, please be honest with me, if you think this is just me being lonely or cocky or something like that something you can say so, I just want to know what's going on, please don't try sparing my feelings if it's something bad about my personality. 

 

Also sorry this is so long. 😅

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MichaelTannock

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "Romantic and Aromantic Orientation".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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MichaelTannock

Whether you're Aromantic will depend on whether you experience Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.

 

But there are other types of attraction besides Romantic Attraction.

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

You could be experiencing one or more of those.

I hope that helps.

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Moderne Jazzhanden

Sounds to me like you may be demi.

 

You want to want romance with someone. But as yet you have not met someone you could feel that way about. Hence you are indifferent about romance (or sex) with whomever you have met.

 

If you were aro you wouldn't want to want romance, you just wouldn't want it.

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi Emmys.
If I can give you my opinion, I think you're just a 'responsive' type for romance. I've heard the term for sexuality (responsive desire), but maybe it's that way for you in terms of the romantic side. I feel like it still counts as romantic attraction, and you seem to have some. Thing is, it really doesn't have to be about 'crushes'. Those can happen but they're not the most important. They can be awesome, but sometimes just end in realizing that it's infatuation rather than love. Love takes time to grow. And romance can be a bit like that too, it doesn't always have to happen on the onset. Sometimes when we want something we force it and we don't allow it to come naturally. Maybe that's the case, or maybe not, but I think it's important enough to think about, anyway.

I think maybe something like your asexuality or something else may make it hard to feel completely relaxed with someone. But thing is, who's not nervous at relationships at first? The nervousness is sometimes an indication that you do have something invested in it, wanting it to go well, but worried that it might not go well. Or maybe that's not why you're nervous, so I wonder what you think.

You could be in the gray section for romance, too, closer towards aromance than the normal person. It depends. It's ok to wonder about it. In the end you have to do what's comfortable to you, it's not good to force things. Give it a little bit of time and maybe it'll become clearer to you :)

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