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I don’t know what I am romantically - I could use some insight


AceCase47

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Hi everyone,

 

I am 19 and currently in college. I am asexual and I think the idea entered my head senior year of high school, and I came out last year after thinking on it for a long while. And for a while I was happy just identifying as Hereroromantic Asexual. But now, I’m not sure what I am romantically.
 

I’ve always loved the idea of being very close to someone. Usually the idea pops into my head as having a super close friend that I genuinely have a great time with, who makes me happy - truly happy, which is something rare to experience. I remember the feeling tho. A lot of my relationships haven’t gotten to this point. Going into college I had hoped to find this and it didn’t happen the way I thought it would, which left me feeling a little outside of the friends I did have. 
 

I have only had one relationship that you can actually call a relationship. My sophomore year of high school I dated a senior. He was sweet and kind - but after our first date, and after I kissed him for the first time I started to feel awkward. It was my first kiss, so there was a lot of heart pounding and high emotions, but I kinda realized I didn’t want to do it again. So I avoided it, and the guy noticed, and after a bit I broke it off with him, saying that I didn’t actually like him the way I thought I did. Things just seemed to change after I kissed him.

 

i am also a worrier, and my mind would drift to things I worried about happening with him, bad things that no person should think about. I was afraid too, on top of the fact that I didn’t wanna kiss him again. 
 

I didn’t have another long relationship (that one lasted 2 months, which has been my longest). Junior/Senior year I was in a show with a guy and we played husband and wife. After the show ended I felt a lot closer to him. I enjoyed spending time with him during the show, and he was cute. I started feeling...

something for him. A friend told me it might just be an attraction because of the show, and not a crush. I still have no idea. When I see him, I still find him cute, though I know we would never work out because we are just different. But he’s the only one who, if I had to label it, I would say I had a crush on. If that’s even what it was.

 

 

 

I still desire a relationship - I just now don’t know what kind. I have tried making a list of the things I would want in a relationship:


 

Emotional Closeness

Handholding

Hugs for no reason, from behind even

Someone to keep me sane

Someone I feel I can share everything with

Someone who appreciates my strangeness and loves me for it

Someone who can challenge me to try new things

Forehead/head kisses

Tickle fights

Nights in and cuddling and watching movies

Someone I can talk about nothing and everything with

someone I can do nothing with, but it’s still great because we are together

Video games

Someone I TRUST

 

The thing is, I thought about kissing. I thought about the people I have kissed and tried to remember what it felt like. My first time? Nerve wracking and forced. I didn’t want to do it, not really, but it sorta happened and I felt pressure to go for it, because that’s what’s supposed to happen right? First date, go to the movie, after the movie you kiss. 

i didn’t want to do it again. So what does that mean, if I don’t like kissing. Cause I’ve kissed people since then and, I don’t really feel one way or the other. If I was alone with a guy... idk if I’d want to or not? If I actually would enjoy it.


Midway through last year I met this girl. I don’t know what it was about her but I wanted to be near her. I wanted her to like me and trust me and I wanted us to be close. It was a strong emotion that I haven’t felt before. I wanted her to know she deserves the world. I remember how much I enjoyed it, and still enjoy it, to see her face scrunch when she’s embarrassed, or laughing. But I also know, that this feeling - whether it just be a fixation, or something else - faded from what it was last year. And it faded quite possibly because I was mad at her for something and it affected how I saw her. So now, I don’t even know what I feel, because I still want to be close to her and I am, and I love her a lot, it’s just not as strong as it was?? Was it a fixation? 
 

this came out to be much longer than I expected, but I really would like some guidance from anyone. I know I don’t need to have a label, and that it shouldn’t be important and I should focus on other things, which I am, but I also wanna put my mind at ease. Maybe it is the worrying side of me, that makes me want to know so badly. I just want answers, so if you have advice or any insight I would appreciate it.

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Hi ;)

I can't say that I have a firm grasp of how you feel. I'm romantic myself and to me it's all game, but you can still be romantic without kissing or otherwise. Kissing can be simply affectionate, just like it can be sensual, or more. It's possible that you're not as sensual as 'normal' people, or that you maybe are closer to gray-a/romantic or something like that.

Considering how you've felt, and including about the girl, I would say you have 'some' romance in you, even if it's hard to tell how developed it is.
It kind of does depend how you feel about your partners. Just from what you wrote it feels a little bit in between an alterous relationship and a romantic one. Alterous just means a closer relationship than a friendship, where you can still want emotional closeness and all that. So in other words, in between friendly and romantic.

How would you feel about being so close to someone and care about them and want to spend a lot more time with them, and to show them you care, maybe find ways to show them that, whether through affection or something bigger. I'm just trying to get a sense of how you feel romantically, because romance isn't strictly about certain kinds of affection, it's about a deeper intimacy, and acts of romance can range pretty widely.
Anyway, I'll leave that with you for now :)

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The problem with labels is that none of them fit anyone perfectly. They simply can't. Even if you have a definition that fit's most people on average, the outliers of the bell curve nearly always number more than the center. 

 

The other thing you have to bare in mind is that people change, and labels can lock you in. Best to just say "I am like this now". Labels only make any sense when you talk to people who understand them, and how many people do you want to tell, and how much does it matter to them?

 

Enjoy life, enjoy changing, enjoy the journey. Believe me when you're old you never think "I wish I did less with my life".

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20 minutes ago, 🚓💨💨 said:

The problem with labels is that none of them fit anyone perfectly. They simply can't. Even if you have a definition that fit's most people on average, the outliers of the bell curve nearly always number more than the center. 

 

The other thing you have to bare in mind is that people change, and labels can lock you in. Best to just say "I am like this now". Labels only make any sense when you talk to people who understand them, and how many people do you want to tell, and how much does it matter to them?

 

Enjoy life, enjoy changing, enjoy the journey. Believe me when you're old you never think "I wish I did less with my life".

Yup the most important is for someone to accept themselves as they are. The labels help in some cases because then they don't feel alone compared to expectations or norms, but really there's so many of us that are unique beyond the labels or identities.

Most people's sexualities don't change much during their life once they know themselves more and it's stable, but I'm the very proof that it can change. I was asexual, then sexual, and now demisexual. I was only interested in women and now I'm Bi. I accept how I am and know it's ok to be how I am, so I don't get shaken up about it :D

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Maybe you could look into Bi-romanticism?  Or pan

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I feel pretty much the same way. you might be thinking of a qpr. ( queer platonic relationship) I've always wanted a relationship with a friend like you explain. my kinda I don't know... wish for the future is living with a friend. possibly even adopting kids. hugs, not to intimate kisses, cuttles etc. never more than that though. so I see where your coming from but I don't have any advise really

 

 

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Figuring out romantic orientation is particularly hard for us asexuals. Without the physical sexual attraction to alert us, it's really hard to distinguish between crushes and just intense friendships (squishes i think they're called?).  Really don't know what the answer is here though...still figuring it out myself

 

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I'm not sure if I can be any help with this, as crushes are very obvious to me when I have one. They are strong and in your face with a feeling that is clearly romantic. For me, if I have to question it than it's clearly not a crush, so based on my personal experience you seem to be leaning more towards aromantic with a desire for a QPR, but really, you're the only one who can tell what you're feeling.

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Sounds a lot like me, but I've never kissed anyone because I don't want to, and I have not gotten mad at my special someone. My advice to you would be to just go with what you feel and what you want. I do not see a reason to put a label on it, and as you can see for my A/Sexuality, my identification is very broad because I don't care that much. I just know how I feel. ❤️

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10 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi ;)

I can't say that I have a firm grasp of how you feel. I'm romantic myself and to me it's all game, but you can still be romantic without kissing or otherwise. Kissing can be simply affectionate, just like it can be sensual, or more. It's possible that you're not as sensual as 'normal' people, or that you maybe are closer to gray-a/romantic or something like that.

Considering how you've felt, and including about the girl, I would say you have 'some' romance in you, even if it's hard to tell how developed it is.
It kind of does depend how you feel about your partners. Just from what you wrote it feels a little bit in between an alterous relationship and a romantic one. Alterous just means a closer relationship than a friendship, where you can still want emotional closeness and all that. So in other words, in between friendly and romantic.

How would you feel about being so close to someone and care about them and want to spend a lot more time with them, and to show them you care, maybe find ways to show them that, whether through affection or something bigger. I'm just trying to get a sense of how you feel romantically, because romance isn't strictly about certain kinds of affection, it's about a deeper intimacy, and acts of romance can range pretty widely.
Anyway, I'll leave that with you for now :)

I know I want a deeper intimacy. That much I feel like is clear. It’s always been hard to tell if I even feel romance - partial because most allosexuals feel it in conjuncture with sexual attraction. What you describe is basically what I want... I’ve been thinking about a QPR, I just don’t know how to find someone that wants that? I feel like if I were in a QPR I would be more comfortable with it being a someone who identifies as a girl? If that even makes sense. The idea of romance being so widely ranged is frankly annoying. Why can’t there just be a direct definition for romance that I can understand and relate to myself like yes I feel this or no I don’t, you know? It’s frustrating. But I appreciate the help anyway, so thank you. 

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4 hours ago, izzbeecat said:

I feel pretty much the same way. you might be thinking of a qpr. ( queer platonic relationship) I've always wanted a relationship with a friend like you explain. my kinda I don't know... wish for the future is living with a friend. possibly even adopting kids. hugs, not to intimate kisses, cuttles etc. never more than that though. so I see where your coming from but I don't have any advise really

 

 

Yes exactly! I def think a QPR is something that I would like. The trouble is finding someone who wants that. Any advice for that?

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7 hours ago, AceCase47 said:

I know I want a deeper intimacy. That much I feel like is clear. It’s always been hard to tell if I even feel romance - partial because most allosexuals feel it in conjuncture with sexual attraction. What you describe is basically what I want... I’ve been thinking about a QPR, I just don’t know how to find someone that wants that? I feel like if I were in a QPR I would be more comfortable with it being a someone who identifies as a girl? If that even makes sense. The idea of romance being so widely ranged is frankly annoying. Why can’t there just be a direct definition for romance that I can understand and relate to myself like yes I feel this or no I don’t, you know? It’s frustrating. But I appreciate the help anyway, so thank you. 

I see. Well I hope you find what you're looking for, don't give up, open :)
You have some romance, I'm pretty sure, it's just that your asexuality is maybe strong to the point that you don't care for sensuality as well. I think it's good to know that. You're right that most people combine attractions together, but romance really is its own thing and doesn't have to be sexual at all. Romance is emotional, the feeling of love is more intimate. That's about it. You might still be aromantic in that you may not feel romantic attraction to someone. If you do once you get to know them and love them more and can see yourself more attached to them, then you're romantic, it's just you'd fall in the gray section of it. It's hard to tell exactly how someone is though :P

I think that as long as you focus on the fact that youre asexual, and not so much into sensuality, you should have enough to explain how you are. And yeah maybe finding someone that's into QPRs or an alterous relationships would be a good way to measure how you feel even more.

If you know what you're looking for it makes it easier to talk about, or list it on a dating website, in example. Good luck :)

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Hmm, to me, you sound like you could maybe homo or bi-romantic. It sounds like you were attracted to this girl you talked about. Did/do you ever think about holding hands with her, cuddling, kissing, etc? 

 

For me, romantic is defined as a wide range of feelings, predominantly wanting to be with/physically near the object of my affection, feeling giddy and happy around them, finding details of their appearance cute/hot/fascinating, enjoying touching and being touched by them. 

 

Do any of those things ring true for you?

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Just speaking from my own experiences, the things you had on your list is what I associate (personally) with my romantic feelings. I don't know exactly what makes it romantic rather than queer/quasiplatonic, and to be honest, I don't think I need to know the differentiation myself (though as a lover of labels to explain everything, I completely get the desire to put a name to it - it took me a good seven months of confusing feelings before I settled on the label "complicated but Important" and was okay with it 😂). I guess the only way I can describe it is a kind of... warmth? That's unique to people that I have (I think) romantic feelings for - I can feel pretty much all of those things for my closest friends, but for me, the part that makes it romantic is I feel like I'm coming home. (I am very aware this is not the same for everyone though and know lots of people will feel this way in a QPR!)

 

The way you described your feelings for the girl - wanting to be near her, wanting to see her happy, being able to imagine her face reacting to the smallest thing and it making you happy - that's how I felt about the girl that made me realise I was biromantic. I'd always been involved with men so I knew I was at least heteroromantic, but in the last year I realised I was actually biromantic. I like this label because it's wonderfully vague and encompasses all the myriad of feelings I had, but is still specific enough that it means something to me, if that makes sense? 

 

In terms of not liking kissing - I wouldn't say I was as averse to it as you described, but I mostly found kissing a bit... weird. I was sort of indifferent, tbh. Now I have experienced wanting to kiss someone and enjoying it, though that's as far as I'd want to go. I'm sorta demisexual/grey-ace so I think for me I have to have REALLY strong romantic feelings towards someone for me to actively want to kiss them. Otherwise, I could take it or leave it. And I've certainly had romantic feelings and not had any desire to kiss them!

 

Hopefully my late-night ramblings might help you make some sense of how you feel! Good luck with everything ❤️ 

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  • 1 month later...
On 12/8/2019 at 3:43 AM, AceCase47 said:

Yes exactly! I def think a QPR is something that I would like. The trouble is finding someone who wants that. Any advice for that?

nope honastly no cluei know theres a bunch of people, including me but i have no clue how to find them, sorry

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i can kinda relate to what you're saying. went through it myself just recently. i couldn't tell if i was actually romantically attracted to this girl (crush).. or i just really wanted to get to know her better and be best friends (squish?). i see labels as a rough guideline.. like this is where i feel most comfortable at the moment, but it can change. i know i'm aesthetically attracted to both men and women.. i appreciate a good looking person, but that's the extent of it. i THINK i feel romantic attraction because i wouldn't mind holding hands, hugging, cheek kisses, and maybe snuggling/cuddling. buuut.. those crushy/squishy feelings go away after a while (they were intense when i hung out with her). so i'm on the fence between biro and aro. it's frustrating. feelings are complicated. some people just want companionship (qpr). i say all the time that i wouldn't mind a cohabitant. you sleep in your room, i sleep in mine. we'll go out to eat together sometimes. do stupid couple shit together.. but as friends 😂

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OwlsOfConfusion
On 12/8/2019 at 3:41 AM, AceCase47 said:

The idea of romance being so widely ranged is frankly annoying. Why can’t there just be a direct definition for romance that I can understand and relate to myself like yes I feel this or no I don’t, you know?

What a perfect question! That's why I don't get what a romantic attraction is. Is it like friendship but you also want to be in some way physical with the person (even no further than hugging)? But it's also got to be deeper than a purely sexual relationship. It's just confusing...

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