Jump to content
Alyrian

Howdy! Wish I'd found this 15 years ago.

Recommended Posts

Alyrian

Hey all! I'm Jim, a 35 year old dude which I reckon probably makes me a dinosaur in these parts. Asexuality is something I heard about before but had never really considered in any depth, but reading this website it suddenly makes a lot of sense. Anyways I apologize in advance for this long post that is mostly just me working some stuff out.

 

I think the main problem is that I've always had a decent libido and found people attractive, and reckoned that disqualified me -- but the thing is that none of the things I'm interested in involve the act of sex. I'd be perfectly content going through the rest of my life without a partner touching me in a sexual way. The other thing is that I've only been romantically attracted to women, and reckoned that if I was *really* asexual then why wouldn't I be into men too?

 

But yeah, reading through all this it seems like at the very least there's some kind of community that feels the same way as me. And it contextualizes a lot of my terrible dating experiences. I've tried dating a bunch of times over the years, and I've always enjoyed hugging and cuddling and kissing and partnership. But it didn't trigger any kind of arousal. I've been sent dirty texts, I've literally been rolling around on the floor with people, and it just does nothing for me -- my mind starts drifting to tomorrow's chores. On two occasions I had to comfort a crying naked woman with the "It's not you, it's me" speech. (It's not fun!)

 

It's not even that I'm not willing to have sex. I would be open to practicing it and getting better at it as a nifty life skill. But it's not something I'd seek out, which has confused or upset the women I've dated because (a) it doesn't turn me on, and (b) it's like we're speaking a different language or on different planets without the shared underlying assumption that I really really want sex.

 

The romantic aspect has always been kinda a bit non-standard for me too. I think the things I value most there are having shared interests and a stable partner. It sounds clinical and transactional when I spell it out, but I guess what I'm really looking for is a mutually supportive relationship with a best friend for life, the kind of thing where we are completely comfortable around each other and share in most things. I feel like my lack of sexual interest has made me picky in this regard -- without that drive, I'd rather be alone than date someone who's not a really great match. So I have been mostly alone for my adult life. And I've been fine with that, especially once I hit my 30s and stopped caring so much about trying to achieve the "standard" life. But it does get lonely, and it's kinda the last piece of my life that I feel is really missing.

 

So yeah this makes sense. And I'm happy to finally at 35 have reached a better understanding of why my dating life has sucked so much so far. On the other hand I'm feeling like it's probably going to be a needle in a haystack experience to find a woman who shares my interests, and is interested in a romantic partnership, and maybe willing to indulge some fantasies (which of course I'd reciprocate), but doesn't expect a traditional sexual relationship. But I'm hoping maybe now that I can put a better name to it, it'll make the search easier.

 

Anyway, that's my schpiel. Nice to meet y'all!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Catpaws

Hi Jim!

 

Welcome to Aven! :cake:

 

No such thing as "too old for these parts"! There's a whole forum dedicated to "Older Asexuals", and there is a large contingent of active folks who are older than both you and me there.

 

I, too, felt for a long time that I couldn't possibly be asexual because I had an active libido and experienced romantic and sometimes even sensual attraction to people. I'm absolutely wishing this site had existed 15 or even 20 years ago, so you're also not alone in that. Glad you've found some resources here already/

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Memento1

Howdy, Bolt!

 

Nice to meet you.  I'm 36, so we can be dinosaurs together.  ;)  You sound similar to me.  I have always had strong romantic attraction which for a long while I thought excluded me from being asexual, and has made the conundrum of finding a partner difficult.  Frankly I would LOVE to find a man that's more interested in being a mutually-supportive best friend and cuddle-partner than having sex.  It certainly diminishes the well of possibilities, but on dating profiles I've put that I have a very low sex drive and am not interested in sex, and still get plenty of interest, so I think being upfront will limit misunderstandings, and still give you more options than you assume are out there.

 

-Mem

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Eudora

Welcome!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pinball Wizard

Hola! Welcome :) 

 

That's cool that you found this site; I don't think there's any such thing as being late, everyone's on their own life-paths and paces I suppose. 

Cheers!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Linda60

Welcome,

 

It takes as long as it takes.  I, too, wish I'd found this site earlier in life.  Wish I'd read "The Invisible Orientation" earlier.  Better late than never, though, right?  

 

I've always wanted to be included, accepted, and advance in my career but there was a disconnect.  Interpersonally, I have felt a bewildering invisibility, disorientation, and unsettling ripples of self-doubt.  Dating seemed a never-ending game that required constant vigilance and tactical thinking.  I had to learn to wear many masks, requiring enormous energy and guardedness, and keep a bag of deceptive tricks and hide behind a façade of sexual desire.  My most common relationship-ending summary was “it’s not you, it’s me,” which seemed to satisfy both parties, holding my partner blameless and me defective. 

 

It is refreshing to know that 1) I can be myself, 2) there are others like me, 3) asexuality is not a diagnosis, 4) asexuality is now getting some media attention, books are being written on it, and most of all, 5) Asexuality is a mature, healthy state where one does not experience sexual attraction to others.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SiegeDragonfly

Hello and welcome!

 

I too wish I'd known about asexuality earlier in life.  And when I finally did hear about it, this exact thing came to mind:

5 hours ago, BoltVanderhuge said:

I think the main problem is that I've always had a decent libido and found people attractive, and reckoned that disqualified me -- but the thing is that none of the things I'm interested in involve the act of sex. I'd be perfectly content going through the rest of my life without a partner touching me in a sexual way.

So, yeah.  I hear you.  Then a few years later, I found "The Invisible Orientation" and read it out of curiosity.  Turns out it described everything I'd been feeling.  And that was at the tender age of 39.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lichley

Welcome! Don’t worry you’re nowhere near old here. I’ve seen new members in their 80s finally figuring out their orientation and wow that was an experience haha

chocolate-truffle-cake-dark-chocolate-ca

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alto

Welcome to AVEN!  I am no dino.  I am 25, and found this site at around 16.  Despite getting a decent start in life, I still have made some stupid mistakes and have done things that I regret.  And despite the knowledge, I still get into tangles sometimes.

 

:P

 

So getting an early start isn't everything, although you can avoid a lot of heartache and confusion that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sinking_In

@BoltVanderhuge There is no being late to the party, on the path of self discovery. You arrive right on time. Now that you know there are others out there like you, broaden your horizons, and be open to finding the gray-ace demiromantic woman of your dreams :) Wish you all the best, Jim!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Alyrian

Thank you all for the welcoming! I have revised my somewhat pessimistic sentiment about finding a partner -- I figure it's much easier to find a needle in a haystack when you actually have an idea what a needle looks like :P

 

On 12/7/2019 at 3:56 PM, SiegeDragonfly said:

So, yeah.  I hear you.  Then a few years later, I found "The Invisible Orientation" and read it out of curiosity.  Turns out it described everything I'd been feeling.  And that was at the tender age of 39.

I had a long flight this weekend and a few of you mentioned this book, so I got it on my Kindle and man that first chapter just resonated with so much of my experience. I've given so many "It's not you, it's me" talks. In high school and college, my parents both independently sat me down and asked if I was secretly gay or something since my dating life was so minimal (which I had considered might be "the problem" at some point and done a little exploration before deciding I'm definitely not). I've even tried to "fix" it a few times by only visualizing traditional sexual fantasies and such (spoiler alert: it did not work).

 

It's funny -- I strove to be sex positive and open-minded over the years, but when sex never did anything for me I always just assumed it was some defect or problem or I was doing it wrong (I think the book referred to it somewhere as thinking you're "bad at heterosexuality"). It never occurred to me that I might just not be into sex and that's okay.

 

I'm not super worried about specific labels but I do reckon "gray asexual" is a good starting point that won't be TMI for meeting new people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Memento1
3 hours ago, BoltVanderhuge said:

I figure it's much easier to find a needle in a haystack when you actually have an idea what a needle looks like :P

LOL, well put!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...