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Jetplane99

am i asexual or am i just scared of relationships and sex?

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Jetplane99

hello, i am new here and i don’t know who else to talk to about this so i thought i would like to hear some advice from you nice people. i have been going through this for as long as i can remember. from when i was a little girl, i never liked to be touched or kissed. i come from a family that i wouldn’t call very touchy-feely, but we love each other loads and we still hug each other, but only for greetings and goodbyes. my mom and dad divorced when i was six and they’re both remarried, but i don’t know if that contributes to my problem at all. but when my stepdad first came into my life, he was the most loving touchy feely person who loved to talk about his feelings and say how much he loved us, and that was alien to me. it took me a while to hug him properly or say that i loved him, but now i’m completely used to him and love him like another dad so maybe that’s a step forward. anyway (sorry for the long backstory) all through school, i never gave a second thought about my sexuality or dating. but what was weird was when boys were interested in me and wanted to date me. i would freeze, panic, feel an intense amount of anxiety, you could say i even felt angry or repulsed. i was too polite to turn those boys down, but i had to, i just couldn’t deal with it. i brushed it off and thought i was too shy, too young, or just not ready. but after i finished school and was old enough to have sex, i thought “i wonder what it’s like to be in a relationship? i wonder what sex feels like? would i even enjoy it?” it was just a general wondering, you could say i even felt alienated, since everyone around me was getting into a relationship without a problem. then i thought, what the hell is my problem? guys continued to be interested in me and want a relationship, even sex, but those same feelings of anxiety, panic, anger and disgust still emerged. one boy even sent me a dirty picture and i bottled it in but i ended up crying to my mom about it, feeling like i had been violated, i even felt ashamed and dirty even though i did nothing wrong. i wondered for a while if i had been asexual since i recently had been doing research into it, but i didn’t know if i really was because i couldn’t work out a concrete definition for how i felt in myself, or in case i was wrong. people tell me “the right one will come along eventually and it will just click, it will just feel right” but i doubt that will happen because a: i doubt i will even be interested in anyone for the rest of my life since i’m so comfortable in my own space and b: those same feelings of panic and the urge to run for the hills keeps happening. just for the record, i have never been in love or had a crush before, and the thought of being in a relationship with a real person or even sex, makes me feel gross. i just don’t know if i have the ability to feel attracted enough to commit and give myself to a man like that. people still tell me that i am only 20, and that i just haven’t had experience yet, but i’ve come to the conclusion that i wouldn’t be bothered if i never get married or have kids, i’ll just enjoy my own time and succeed in other things that i want to. (also, i’m afraid of having children and i also do not know how to interact with them so i avoid them) but i’m just so confused. am i asexual, or do i just have a fear of intimacy (sex, love and touch aversion) or am i emotionally unavailable? i cannot stand the thought of being touched and i also cannot stand the thought of being with and opening up to another person. but still, other people confuse me with what they’re saying to me. will the right person actually come along? will i ever get over this fear? or is it just the way i am? or, am i just overthinking and am i still too young and unexperienced in life? i’m sorry for the rant, i’m not used to talking about this topic but it’s just been at the back of my head for years and i just want to figure this out. i never could figure out if i wanted a relationship or not, maybe i just wanted to feel like i fit in with my friends or something. i have had instances where i was lonely, but maybe i just needed to feel valid or something, but honestly i’ve decided that i’m not bothered about being by myself, but i just need to know what this deep fear is. (i must also add that i suffer from anxiety and depression) i know only i can decide if i am asexual, but i thought i would share this with everyone here to see if anyone else has these feelings. thank you for reading and i hope you all have a good day! 😃

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Catpaws

Hi, welcome to Aven! :cake:

 

If it helps at all, you're not alone. What you've written here sounds like it could have come from my own experiences, except that I'm twice as old as you are!

 

I also have anxiety and depression, and while I haven't had the chance to come out to my therapist about asexuality yet, it's really helped to be able to talk to someone about the anxiety/depression/social anxiety aspects of my life. If you aren't seeing someone already, talking with a professional might help not only in and of itself, but it may also help clarify some of the "what if it's this, but what if it's that" thoughts.

 

I get the desire to fit in. To feel less alienated. Hopefully you'll find some answers either here on Aven or elsewhere that will help settle some of those questions. But regardless, there's a community here who definitely understands where you're coming from.

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Nowhere Girl

There is no contradiction between being asexual and being scared of sex. Some asexuals are sex-averse and for them, particularly if they (like myself) accept their feelings, it just feels natural to be afraid of sex. I want to respect other people's feelings, I feel morally obligated to it, but I find it hard to imagine how a lot of people are not afraid of sex and - particularly - how it's "no big deal" to some people. For me sex seems like an immense "deal", precisely because I'm sex-averse and cannot even imagine any reason which could make me agree to try partnered sex.

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Jetplane99
2 hours ago, Catpaws said:

Hi, welcome to Aven! :cake:

 

If it helps at all, you're not alone. What you've written here sounds like it could have come from my own experiences, except that I'm twice as old as you are!

 

I also have anxiety and depression, and while I haven't had the chance to come out to my therapist about asexuality yet, it's really helped to be able to talk to someone about the anxiety/depression/social anxiety aspects of my life. If you aren't seeing someone already, talking with a professional might help not only in and of itself, but it may also help clarify some of the "what if it's this, but what if it's that" thoughts.

 

I get the desire to fit in. To feel less alienated. Hopefully you'll find some answers either here on Aven or elsewhere that will help settle some of those questions. But regardless, there's a community here who definitely understands where you're coming from.

thank you so much, it’s a relief to know that someone’s had the same experience as me! i’ve looked everywhere on the internet, but nothing i’ve read had seemed to hit home for me, since i’ve never tried anything. i’ll see if i can talk to my psychiatrist to see someone to talk this through, preferably a woman (my original psychiatrist is a man and i’m too uncomfortable to talk about sex with him 😂) i’ll see if i can bring up asexuality as well. thank you! 😊

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Jetplane99
57 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

There is no contradiction between being asexual and being scared of sex. Some asexuals are sex-averse and for them, particularly if they (like myself) accept their feelings, it just feels natural to be afraid of sex. I want to respect other people's feelings, I feel morally obligated to it, but I find it hard to imagine how a lot of people are not afraid of sex and - particularly - how it's "no big deal" to some people. For me sex seems like an immense "deal", precisely because I'm sex-averse and cannot even imagine any reason which could make me agree to try partnered sex.

exactly, everyone would tell me that it was normal to be scared at first but i’d get used to it, but i don’t know if i ever will. since i suffer from social anxiety, facing my fears or having new experiences haven’t helped me in the slightest, they just made me worse. something that intimate and close absolutely did seem like a big deal to me. i have no problem with other people having sex, but for me to be in that situation it’s so scary and it makes me feel nervous and a bit repulsed, and i think i accept that it’s normal to be like that and i am not messed up or broken, i just might be asexual. and i think i’m completely okay with that. thank you so much, hearing your story and opinions really helped. thank you! 😊

Edited by Jetplane99

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Sarah-Sylvia

I'm glad if you can feel more comfortable with how you are. It's good to accept yourself.
It's definitely not a contradiction, but it's true that being scared can cover up some things too. I've had a load of anxiety so I know what it can do.

Fear is not good to have, even if can be normal to some degree. It's a fight or flight response, not something normal to have in everyday life. At its base, sex is just rubbing nerve-endings together, and at its best it's a mutual expression of affection, sensuality, and pleasure. Nothing at all to be afraid of. I feel like for some, sex is... there's some sort of pressure or (heavy) dislike that can lead to being guarded, not wanting to be subjected to it. There's definitely quite a few asexuals who are like that and it makes sense. But some learn to get past it, and realize it's not that big of a deal, even if they don't feel like doing anything sexual. Some have sexual partners who they have sex with, and they do it because they find other reasons to do it (like loving their partners and wanting to make them feel good).

Anyway, just wanted to say that. It's completely fine to not want sex, and no one should feel pressured to. It's not something to be scared of either, is all :)

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Jetplane99
3 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I'm glad if you can feel more comfortable with how you are. It's good to accept yourself.
It's definitely not a contradiction, but it's true that being scared can cover up some things too. I've had a load of anxiety so I know what it can do.

Fear is not good to have, even if can be normal to some degree. It's a fight or flight response, not something normal to have in everyday life. At its base, sex is just rubbing nerve-endings together, and at its best it's a mutual expression of affection, sensuality, and pleasure. Nothing at all to be afraid of. I feel like for some, sex is... there's some sort of pressure or (heavy) dislike that can lead to being guarded, not wanting to be subjected to it. There's definitely quite a few asexuals who are like that and it makes sense. But some learn to get past it, and realize it's not that big of a deal, even if they don't feel like doing anything sexual. Some have sexual partners who they have sex with, and they do it because they find other reasons to do it (like loving their partners and wanting to make them feel good).

Anyway, just wanted to say that. It's completely fine to not want sex, and no one should feel pressured to. It's not something to be scared of either, is all :)

thank you very much for the advice, i feel that exact way, and with the fight or flight response, i choose flight 😓 it could be some sort of intimacy anxiety, but i do not know, and i think i need to talk this out with my psychiatrist to see if there is an underlying problem, or if it’s just general anxiety. if i am asexual, i’m completely fine with that, and i’ll have to take time to figure out myself and who i am. i heavily doubt there will ever be someone who’s the “right one” who will come along because to be honest, imagining myself with a boyfriend just seems like imagining an new colour. it just doesn’t suit me, like trying to put in a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. i agree there’s nothing to be scared of, maybe i did feel a lot of pressure that scared me away and made me guarded and nervous, and hopefully i will get over it and eventually figure out what i want. right now, i don’t desire anything romantic or sexual, and i’m fine on my own, and hopefully i’ll get past this anxiety and if i still don’t desire anything, that’s okay with me 😊 thank you very much again and sorry for going off on a tangent 😃

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alto

Welcome to AVEN!  Er, I don't know if this helps but...I haven't had sex in seven years and i'm perfectly happy that way.  It is possible to live a good life being the way we are.

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aces&eights

Welcome to aven!

I'm the same age, and these things can be confusing when we really don't have that much life experience! It sounds like you're struggling to disentangle possible aromanticness with anxiety. You need to ask yourself; is your aversion to relationships a manifestation of fear of intimacy and an unwillingness to push your comfort zone or simply due to your lack or being romantically attracted to people? 

34 minutes ago, Jetplane99 said:

imagining myself with a boyfriend just seems like imagining an new colour. it just doesn’t suit me, like trying to put in a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit

Very nicely said! This seems like you're on your way to working it out, but there's no rush :) 

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Sarah-Sylvia

It makes absolute sense to want to figure yourself out, and I'm sure you'll get there. I think it's good to be ok with it. I've seen some who felt like they needed to be able to like sex, and that just creates a gap and struggle. You are how you are right now, and if or when some things get revealed, you might find it's because of who you are, or it might change a bit to accommodate something more that can have worth to you, or else. It comes down to you :)

Personally I love romance so much, I want to find someone I can be with, that I can hold and care for, and be cared about. And because I'm sensual, my affection include hugs, cuddling, holding, caressing, and all that. It's almost a given because of how I am, haha, I'd have trouble being intimate with a partner that isn't sensual themselves. But that's just who I am. Others will feel the same or different, and that's perfectly ok (we all benefit from being ourselves) :)❤️

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ben8884

Moved from Asexual Musings and Rantings to Questions about Asexuality

Ben8884 Moderator for Asexual Musings and Rantings 

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henshin
On 12/7/2019 at 4:00 PM, Jetplane99 said:

...but what was weird was when boys were interested in me and wanted to date me. i would freeze, panic, feel an intense amount of anxiety, you could say i even felt angry or repulsed. i was too polite to turn those boys down, but i had to, i just couldn’t deal with it. i brushed it off and thought i was too shy, too young, or just not ready. but after i finished school and was old enough to have sex, i thought “i wonder what it’s like to be in a relationship? i wonder what sex feels like? would i even enjoy it?” it was just a general wondering, you could say i even felt alienated, since everyone around me was getting into a relationship without a problem. then i thought, what the hell is my problem? guys continued to be interested in me and want a relationship, even sex, but those same feelings of anxiety, panic, anger and disgust still emerged. one boy even sent me a dirty picture and i bottled it in but i ended up crying to my mom about it, feeling like i had been violated, i even felt ashamed and dirty even though i did nothing 

 Hey! Welcome to AVEN. 

 

This stuff that you describe here? Welcome to being raised a girl in a patriarchal society. There's nothing wrong with you for not wanting sexual attention. It's total bullshit that we've been raised to find it impolite to turn someone down because we don't want their advances. It's bullshit how many girls say yes and do things they don't want to do for fear of being labelled impolite, or frigid, or being hurt, raped, murdered. 

 

Never feel like there is something wrong with you when it's our messed up culture that is wrong. 

 

It's totally normal to feel violated by an unsolicited sexual image. The only thing wrong with the picture you describe is that I hate that our society has conditioned you to feel shame about that violation, when the perpetrator will likely feel none. 

 

You have nothing to apologise for. 

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