aroace and in desperate need of advice

[nnoo]

Hi, I'm new here, actually created my account for this, because I need to vent and get some advice and for the love of god some support without anyone saying that I'm cold and emotionless.

 

So this is a bit of a long story. I'll appreciate if you take the time to read this because I really can't talk to anyone irl about this.

 

For your information, I'm 23, ace, and I think I'm lithromantic or aromantic with some deep issues with our hyperromantic culture which makes me feel like a romantic relationship is all I could ever want. I don't know.

 

Ok so it's like this: I met this guy, I tought he was cute, funny and interesting. I developed quite a crush for him.
Last tuesday we were out with friends and the next thing I know we're holding hands and getting a pizza together and heading back to my place and he's taking my pants off and suddenly I realise that hey umm I'm not going to have sex with this person. Not knowing what to do I say I'm not feeling well, we did have quite a lot to drink, and that this isn't going to happen today. Yeah I don't know why I didn't just say that this isn't going to happen, but I had to make it more difficult for myself in the future by specifying "not today", when in fact I ment not ever. Okay so we talked and slept and kissed quite a bit which was nice and we exchanged numbers and I liked him. He was nice. I noticed I wasn't as infatuated with him as before but I was having a hangover and didn't really think about it.

 

This might be the time to let you know how big of a mess I've actually made. He's not really just some guy I met, in fact, he's the ex-boyfriend of one of my close friends, so it would be difficult even if I was "normal". They didn't date for long, maybe like a month, and they're on good terms as it wasn't a hard break up, so I don't feel that evil. But like actually they're on such a good terms that we have the same group of friends and they're even going on a cruise together with some of our friends next weekend. So that's fun and all. 

 

Okay so I liked him, and we texted quite a lot for like a day and a half and on thursday there was this partything which we both attendet with all of our friends. None of them know a thing. So we acted distant the whole night with few secret glances and all that exciting business and left together quite sneakily at the end of the night. Again we spend the night together talking and kissing and cuddling and all that and not once did he try anything more so I didn't have to say anything about me not wanting any sex ever. And it was nice, it was fine, he was fine.
But at this point, after spendin that time with him, I don't even know if I like him that much anymore. I mean I don't dislike him, I'm just very indifferent. I don't really care if he's here of there or if he texts me at all. And I've done this so many times and I just never learn. I get my hopes up and I get everyone elses hopes up and I end up hurting someone. Except this time I simply can't hurt him because everyone would be mad at me and I don't want people to be mad at me. And I realise caring about that instead of his feelings I'm propably gonna hurt makes me sound not that great of a person, but sue me, I told you I was starting to get indifferent about him.

 

And here's the deal, I haven't talked to no one about anything yet. We've spend two nights together, and I'm about to drop a bomb on him like "hey should we talk about the fact that you're my friends ex, and oh yeah I don't want to have sex with you, and hey remember me saying I'm leaving the entire country in which we both live in for half a year in about 1,5 months (yeah this too, luckily it should make things easier for me), should we talk about that and the fact that you seem to be pretty much in love with me, and on top of that I don't even know if I like you:/"  and then I'll have to go to my friend like "hey so I had this thing with your ex, sorry about that, but it's propably nothing, I don't know if he want's to see me ever again, but you know that's life I guess"
I don't want to do that.

 

Sooo I've messed up, please someone tell me that this sounds familiar and I'm not alone, because that's how it feels right now. And like how would you handle this? I'm so bad at speaking about my feelings, I often say something I don't even mean as a matter of self-preservation, and later have to correct myself (for ex. the "not today" bit). So I am not looking forward to handling this at all. 

 

Thank you, bye

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I don’t have this experience as an aro ace but here’s how I would handle it. I would let him know as soon as possible that this isn’t going to work out. There’s too many reasons not to pursue this relationship so we should see other people. I don’t agree with how he was led on but I’d say he also shouldn’t have pursued this relationship himself considering the connections both of you have to each other. It doesn’t sound like you guys have been talking that long though so I wouldn’t feel too bad about the situation. 

 

P.S. I would break the news through text because people can be “unpredictable” in response to things like this

[Guest]

You dont have to get into the dont want sex thing since you have other reasons to not continue. "Hey, I have been thinking and I dont feel comfortable pursuing this due to your past relationship with my friend. Sorry. We can't do this anymore."

 

 

[nnoo]

59 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I don’t have this experience as an aro ace but here’s how I would handle it. I would let him know as soon as possible that this isn’t going to work out. There’s too many reasons not to pursue this relationship so we should see other people. I don’t agree with how he was led on but I’d say he also shouldn’t have pursued this relationship himself considering the connections both of you have to each other. It doesn’t sound like you guys have been talking that long though so I wouldn’t feel too bad about the situation. 

 

P.S. I would break the news through text because people can be “unpredictable” in response to things like this

Yeah, you're right, of course, too much everything for it to work. But I don't think I have led him on, or at least I've led myself on as well, I was really interested in him just four days ago, and that's what makes me the most annoyed, that I sincerily believed that I had romantic feelings for him and everything would be fine. And it's not that I don't like this guy, I enjoy his company and I don't want to let go of him, which is quite selfish, because I do realise I don't like him so much so that this would work out. But yeah. Not fair for anyone if I let this go on any further. I get it. I just don't want to get it.