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RubyAura

What Am I...? I Could Use Experienced Opinions...

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RubyAura

This is going to be a very long post, so I apologize in advance.

 

Help…?

I’m a married woman in her thirties. I have one toddler and a very loving husband. I’ve always considered myself straight or maybe a possibility of bi, but never really put much thought into it. Recently, I discovered the term “Asexual” and was curious what it meant. As I started learning about it, a lot of the traits really hit home for me. I’m starting to wonder if this is a possible explanation for how I have felt my whole life. If not this, than maybe there is a different term that fits better that I’m completely unaware of. Basically…I’m wondering if there is an explanation for me being me that isn’t just me being “broken”.

 

I could really use some input from others with more experience… I’ve tried reading and researching but it all feels like a lot and I’m struggling to compare my experiences with vague examples I find online. I’m worried that I’m applying meaning to things that have none and think I could really use an unbiased set of eyes to take a look at my story…

 

So if you're interested, buckle up and continue... (Thank you in advance if you do!!!!!)

 

Sex Interest

Growing up, I was never interested in sex. Friends in high school and college would talk about having sex with their boyfriends/girlfriends or how they really wished they could have sex with someone… I would always act along and agree because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I figured I would know the feeling someday and just needed to make it through the moment, However, I never had the urge have sex with anyone, even when dating.

 

In college, I was in a relationship with a boyfriend. We eventually lived in an apartment together (different rooms) and spent most of our free time together. However, we were never physical and I had told him I just wasn’t comfortable with it. He had always said it was fine so I wasn’t worried. At just about our one year, he came to me and told me that we had been together for so long now and he wanted to have sex. He said if I wasn’t going to compromise with him then we were over. So I told him it was over because I wasn’t willing to go out of my comfort zone just because he thought he deserved it for “staying with me for so long”. He didn’t expect that outcome, apparently. I guess he thought I was going to give in. He wasn’t happy with me.

 

At this point, I was still a virgin. I wasn’t really worried about it other than the fact that it was becoming weirder and weirder for a woman my age (20’s) to still be a virgin in the 2010’s. However, the thought of sex just wasn’t appealing…and it kind of grossed me out. 

 

Eventually I met my husband in college and he was just…different. We dated a while and I felt comfortable enough to try sex with him. I was pretty “meh” about it, but it made him happy and he made me happy. We got married years later, still having sex very rarely. The times we did were always on my terms and he has never pressured me, which has been amazing.

 

Once during my marriage I asked my OBGYN (an older woman) what she thought about my lack of interest. She basically told me to do it more often and practice makes perfect, so I’ll get it eventually. This just made me feel even more broken so I have never brought it up again…(though I do have a much nicer, younger woman as my OBGYN now). I’m still kind of scarred form my first response though so I hesitate to say anything.

 

Right now, I think the last time my husband and I had sex was two years ago. We’re planning to try for another baby in the next six months so I’m mentally preparing for the week long job of having sex during ovulation so I can get pregnant. Outside of that, we just don’t do it…I recently asked him if he was ok with the way things were and he said yes. With a toddler, our jobs, and everything else going on he’s just as happy to spend one on one time with me at night and isn’t worried about sex. That was a huge relief…

 

Sexual Attraction

Honestly, I struggle understanding this as a concept. I look at people (male or female) and can recognize them as attractive or I guess pleasing to the eye. But I never feel or have thoughts like “wow they’re hot, I would love to have sex with them”. Sometimes I have wondered if I’m just reading in to it too much. I just have never, ever seen someone and immediately thought about sex.

 

I’ve always kind of considered myself straight by default. Though, over the years I’ve noticed I really don’t have a strong pull in the direction of one gender. I only dated guys but I don’t find the thought of dating a woman ridiculous. I’m mostly interested in the person. For example, I knew my husband for a year or so before I became interested in him. It wasn’t like I suddenly noticed he was attractive…it was more like I suddenly noticed I really wanted to spend more time with him. 

 

Sexual…Desire?

I don’t know what to call this, but I do get “turned on”. Usually when I’m reading a romance novel or watching a movie/show and there is a sex scene. To me, its exciting for two characters who love each other to become intimate. However, just because it turns me on doesn’t make me want sex. I typically prefer to handle it quickly myself as opposed to find my husband. It just doesn’t seem super appealing…sex takes so long, it’s tiring, it’s messy, you don’t always get off…I would rather take 5 minutes to achieve the feeling I want and then move on with the rest of my day.

 

I can’t stand porn, its gross to me. I’m more often grossed out by genitalia than not. I also can’t stand the terrible acting and bad plots, so I spend most of my time going “ugh, really? That is a huge plot hole… DUMB!”. I typically prefer soundless gifs that are just the action of whatever I’m interested in. I don’t need it, it’s more of a “well, I want to masterbate so I guess I could pull up some gifs”. It’s not a desire to see the genitalia, I'm more looking for the action of the intimacy.

 

In Summary...

All in all, I always thought it was a libido issue. However, not having the interest doesn’t bother me. I don’t feel like I’m missing out or wish I had sex more often. I guess I really just want to understand myself and maybe talk to others who understand me. I just don’t know who to ask or where to go. It’s like…do I ask my doctor about it? Can doctors even help people figure out sexuality? Should I ask a counselor? What kind of counselor? I’m just at a total loss…

 

Then theres the struggle of: “What in the hell do I tell my husband, if anything?”

 

Nothing is changing for us…I’m the same I’ve been for the last 10+ years. I’m just trying to get a name to go with whatever it is that makes me…me.

 

Again…sorry for the long post. I have no idea what to do with all this and while browsing a little I felt like this might be a safe place to unload. I hope people out there might be able to offer some insight into….whatever this whole thing is.

 

Thank you for sticking with it and getting through my story! 

 

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi :)

I was thinking there might be some nuance here, but actually just sounds like you're straight up asexual. 😜 Simple enough right?

Although I should ask about some other stuff, because you talked about intimacy, but you didn't mention much around affection. And also, how in love are you with your husband? When you were together and you felt very good with him, and you probably cuddled and caressed (I'm assuming), how did you feel during those times, and have you felt any of that lead to more sensuality, and bear in mind sensuality isn't considered sexual. I'm just trying to get a better picture around your romantic feelings, affection, and how you feel about sensuality, and if you could see it bridging into sexual affection (which isn't as boring as regular sex, in my opinion)

Well, I'll leave it up to you to share what you want :)

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anxious_mix
50 minutes ago, RubyAura said:

Growing up, I was never interested in sex. Friends in high school and college would talk about having sex with their boyfriends/girlfriends or how they really wished they could have sex with someone… I would always act along and agree because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I figured I would know the feeling someday and just needed to make it through the moment, However, I never had the urge have sex with anyone, even when dating.

 

Completely maps on to my experience growing up. 

 

51 minutes ago, RubyAura said:

Honestly, I struggle understanding this as a concept. I look at people (male or female) and can recognize them as attractive or I guess pleasing to the eye. But I never feel or have thoughts like “wow they’re hot, I would love to have sex with them”. Sometimes I have wondered if I’m just reading in to it too much. I just have never, ever seen someone and immediately thought about sex.

 

I’ve always kind of considered myself straight by default.

This too. I figured I was straight, didn't think to question things until I got a bf and then I started questioning everything.

 

Yeah, I mean I would say it sounds like you are asexual. I relate to a lot of what you said and even the stuff I don't relate to I've seen other asexual people describe similar experiences and feelings. Also the feeling of being broken?? I TOTALLY get that. The asexual label and the asexuality community have both really helped me with that. 

 

The figuring things out bit is really tough though. I hope you find clarity and peace.

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, anxious_mix said:

Completely maps on to my experience growing up. 

 

This too. I figured I was straight, didn't think to question things until I got a bf and then I started questioning everything.

 

Yeah, I mean I would say it sounds like you are asexual. I relate to a lot of what you said and even the stuff I don't relate to I've seen other asexual people describe similar experiences and feelings. Also the feeling of being broken?? I TOTALLY get that. The asexual label and the asexuality community have both really helped me with that. 

 

The figuring things out bit is really tough though. I hope you find clarity and peace.

Your post reminded me of the expectations in society. I can't relate 100% to those around asexuality, but mine have been more around my gender. If I pictured going to someone like RubyAura did and ask what am I supposed to do about not feeling like being a man and not interested in it, and they'd tell me you just gotta practice it until you get better at it, I'd feel pretty disparaged as well. And I've felt broken too.. not fun.

Anyway, I guess I'm just glad that some can help others not feel alone. Sex is kind of an expectation in society, and when it doesn't fit well with who you are.. yeah this is why this community exists. :)

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Irony-flower

Hey when I read what you said this sounds a lot like stuff I also experienced.

With the way you talk about your leck of sexual attraction I would say you are definitely on the asexual spectrum. That you get turned on by sex scenes in movies does not change that.

 

About what to tell your husband, so I am not in a relationship so I might not be the best person to give advise about it. But I think you need to decide that your self on the one side your husband is already aware of how you feel so does a label really change that much. But you could also use that opportunity to talk more about what he wants and also considering you want a second child this could be a opportunity to figure out  if there is a alternative method of conceiving (I never used that word before I hope ist the right one) a child that you could try. Considering you talked about how this stresses you really out.  

Also welcome in the ace community have some cake🍰

Edited by Irony-flower
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Serran

You're kind of looking into it a lot which is normal when exploring. But, honestly, sexual attraction is an easy concept if you remove all the complicated debates around it. "I feel like initiating sexual activity with this person" coming from a desire that isn't a baby, pleasing them even though its meh for you, etc. Basically you feel like you want to do it for yourself, not an external reason. Can be caused by lots and lots of reasons, being close, trust, how they look. It varies. But basically it causes a pull to want to do sexy times and choose that person to do it with. 

 

You dont want partnered but do want solo. So, you have a libido. Just no attraction pulling you to partnered, it sounds like. 

 

As for who to talk to, LGBT therapist with asexuality and the DSM-V as a thing they know of or are willing to look into. 

 

Edit: 33 year old sexual speaking btw 

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RubyAura
22 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Although I should ask about some other stuff, because you talked about intimacy, but you didn't mention much around affection. And also, how in love are you with your husband? When you were together and you felt very good with him, and you probably cuddled and caressed (I'm assuming), how did you feel during those times, and have you felt any of that lead to more sensuality, and bear in mind sensuality isn't considered sexual. I'm just trying to get a better picture around your romantic feelings, affection, and how you feel about sensuality, and if you could see it bridging into sexual affection (which isn't as boring as regular sex, in my opinion)
 

I love my husband very much ❤️ I love cuddling him and being close. He's my best friend too so I love just spending time with him hanging out.  We've been together for over 10 years now between dating and being married. I can't imagine life without him. I would just rather snuggle up with him as opposed to having sex. I just feel closer to him during those times. When he reaches over and holds my hand in the car, for example...that's just the best. 

 

22 hours ago, anxious_mix said:

Yeah, I mean I would say it sounds like you are asexual. I relate to a lot of what you said and even the stuff I don't relate to I've seen other asexual people describe similar experiences and feelings. Also the feeling of being broken?? I TOTALLY get that. The asexual label and the asexuality community have both really helped me with that. 

 

Thank you! It's been a surprising journey these last couple of weeks. It's like a light bulb finally went on. I look forward to exploring this further and hopefully finding a better understanding of my own feelings.

 

My thoughts are if I can figure this out for myself, maybe I'll be a better Support System to my son if he ever has his own questions in the future...

 

13 hours ago, Irony-flower said:

Hey when I read what you said this sounds a lot like stuff I also experienced.

With the way you talk about your leck of sexual attraction I would say you are definitely on the asexual spectrum. That you get turned on by sex scenes in movies does not change that.

 

About what to tell your husband, so I am not in a relationship so I might not be the best person to give advise about it. But I think you need to decide that your self on the one side your husband is already aware of how you feel so does a label really change that much. But you could also use that opportunity to talk more about what he wants and also considering you want a second child this could be a opportunity to figure out  if there is a alternative method of conceiving (I never used that word before I hope ist the right one) a child that you could try. Considering you talked about how this stresses you really out.  

Also welcome in the ace community have some cake🍰

It's so reassuring to hear others have had a similar experience... ❤️

 

I think I'll spend a bit more time figuring things out before I throw this at him. I have no intention of changing anything on him, I just think it might be a chance for us to better understand each other. Who knows, maybe he feels more like me than he realizes.

 

He had never had sex before me and he doesn't seem to desire it much either. I've even gone out of the way to tell him that if he wants sex he needs to tell me because I just don't feel it. I told him I won't initiate it but if it's something he wants he can and we'll go from there. He was pretty "meh" about it too and really doesn't start anything. The most we've ever had was the planned week when we were trying to get pregnant lol and even then we were both more like "ok let's get this done so we can go do something else together...". Which was usually snuggling and watching TV or playing video games together....

 

Wouldn't that be an interesting twist? Two unknowing asexuals finding each other...

 

8 hours ago, Serran said:

As for who to talk to, LGBT therapist with asexuality and the DSM-V as a thing they know of or are willing to look into. 

 

Thank you!! I'll have to check my area...

 

 

Thank you to everyone who responded!! I would love to hear from others too so keep the comments coming ❤️❤️

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
14 minutes ago, RubyAura said:

I love my husband very much ❤️ I love cuddling him and being close. He's my best friend too so I love just spending time with him hanging out.  We've been together for over 10 years now between dating and being married. I can't imagine life without him. I would just rather snuggle up with him as opposed to having sex. I just feel closer to him during those times. When he reaches over and holds my hand in the car, for example...that's just the best.

I hope you enjoy your discoveries to some degree, and accepting yourself as you are ❤️

I asked the extra questions just to check beyond it a bit, because like in my case I also feel that love is the best, and holding hands with that and more. I just know that affection and sensuality can bridge into sexuality as an expression of love. But that's why I consider myself demisexual, since it's still possible for me to be somewhat sexually attracted when it bridges like that. And even then it's debatable to say it's sexual attraction. I'm ok with the label tho :P

If you don't think anything like that connects with you, I would say you're just plain asexual, hehe. Good luck with everything, and take on and do what feels good to you :)

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