HI! I am confused. Does that sound like being ace or aro?

[Taco-chan]

hi there!

I am female, 21, student and confused. i honestly don't even have an idea where to start. And i normally don't talk about this stuff, so i also have no idea how to do that. But i try! And sorry in advance, that probably will be a bit of text. I will jump right into it and just tell my story. Because i feel like i need to talk to someone who will at least get part of what i write and will not give me this confused and helpless look, since they don't understand what i am trying to communicate. And i read a lot here that kind of resembles what i am feeling. so i hope you can help me?

Until this point in my life, i never had a crush. And sex is something that i find mostly disgusting. Or do i? I am not to sure about that part myself. Ending up here was bit of a journey, i'll admit. I never found myself really attracted to anybody. I jokingly said once, that i don't have a concept of beauty. Which is kind of true. I Never felt attracted to men, or the boys in my school. And when people point out people they find really hot - i don't get it. Why is that one more attractive then that one? I genuinely don't know. They look the same to me? Yeah, different, but not, like, super attractive or not. Sure, some of them have a great body but i am also an artist and a writer. I am never sure if i find someone attractive, or do i just look at their body as i would look at a flower, a sunset or a great picture?

And relationships didn't interest me as well. I found those strange, because i couldn't wrap my head around what you would want in doing that. That was also the time where i would get the question a lot, why i didn't want to date and if i would fancy anybody. A person at your side? Why, i have friends. Sex was not really one of my concerns. What else do you get out of a romantic relationship? But since this was omnipresent, i started to question what was love, what was attraction. Maybe i was already attracted to someone and didn't realize it? What about my friends, how could you tell what was love and what not? Is sexual attraction everything that differs love and friendship? At one point i decided i thought enough about that topic and it annoyed me, so I settled with thinking: meh, maybe i am just a latebloomer, gay or bi, who really gives a fuck. I figure this out later. I never was really concerned by the fact that didn't have a crush. for me it just meant less trouble.

Which was the point where there was this girl in my new school which i got along pretty well. Which ended in us kissing and trying to start a relationship. Which didn't end well, but that was mostly a total fuck up on my part. But i realized something from it. I was 19 at the time and all the question about having a crush on someone and wanting to date someone and figuring out who you are, where getting to me. And i already was the oddball, i just wanted to have at least one topic where i wasn't the weird one. But kissing her felt....weird. Like maybe i just did it wrong...? And she was thinking about being ace herself, so we stayed away from the whole kissing and sex thing. But i also wasn't comfortable with the whole relationship-thing? It had nothing to do with her, i still liked her a lot, she was one of my best friends. However, being so close to someone made me.....i dunno how to say this, kind of itchy? i got unreasonable moody sometimes, when she was around. In hindsight, i may have just agreed to try it out, what it was like being in a relationship, because it is just such a weird concept for me? And maybe being in one would make it more normal? i dunno.

Argh, i find this just confusing. Like, what even is attraction? Is it when i define someone as good looking? Is attraction something towards a body? When i feel drawn to someone it is mostly because of their emotions. Is that also attraction? Is that a romantic thing?

Does that sound like being ace or aro to someone? Or is it something else? I honestly just very confused and trying to make sense out of myself.

also, congrats if you made it until here, trough all of my whining xD

 

[WanderingKate]

I'll start off with the usual disclaimer...only you can decide which orientation you're comfortable with and identify with at the end of the day, this is just my attempt to help clarify things...it can be helpful to have an outside perspective  

 

I'll highlight the parts of your post that stood out to me: 

 

23 minutes ago, Taco-chan said:

I am never sure if i find someone attractive, or do i just look at their body as i would look at a flower, a sunset or a great picture?

-This sounds like aesthetic attraction to me, which is a bit different than sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction basically means that you can recognize that something or someone is beautiful, but you don't feel magnetized or drawn to it. You admire it and "enjoy the view" so to speak, but you don't feel any attraction per se. 

 

 

25 minutes ago, Taco-chan said:

A person at your side? Why, i have friends.

-Yup, as an aromantic myself I struggled to figure out why people who were already popular at school/work and had a lot of friends still wanted to date so badly. I always thought that people only got into romantic relationships to ward off loneliness, so I didn't understand why people who had a lot of friends bothered to date. It didn't occur to me that they were seeking something entirely different than friendship or what that could mean. 

 

28 minutes ago, Taco-chan said:

i started to question what was love, what was attraction

Generally I've found that if you've found yourself spending a significant amount of time pondering what attraction is, there's a good chance you don't experience it the same way that most people do. 

 

29 minutes ago, Taco-chan said:

being so close to someone made me.....i dunno how to say this, kind of itchy?

This doesn't necessarily indicate asexuality/aromanticism automatically since a lot of people are uncomfortable with intimacy at first, especially if they are new to dating/relationships. However, a good question to ask yourself...are you uncomfortable with intimacy with friends and family as well? Or is it specifically *romantic* intimacy that makes you uncomfortable? Personally I'm very affectionate with my friends and tell them that I love them constantly, but with a romantic partner I get uncomfortable...not out of fear of intimacy, or emotional baggage or anything like that. I just...don't like it. That was a huge clue for me about my aromanticism. 

 

Anyway, I saw a lot of other signs in your post that you *could* be on the asexuality/aromantic spectrum, namely never having a crush, being disgusted by sex (it isn't uncommon for asexuals are sex repulsed), and sex not being a concern. Again please only identify with the asexual/aromantic label if it feels right to you. But just wanted to give my thoughts as someone who has asked themselves many of the same questions. Good luck!

 

[anxious_mix]

41 minutes ago, WanderingKate said:

Generally I've found that if you've found yourself spending a significant amount of time pondering what attraction is, there's a good chance you don't experience it the same way that most people do. 

 

Yeah I got in my own head about what attraction even was for a while. Everyone I talked to about it just immediately KNEW what it was and I didn't. I concur with WanderingKate, though. A lot of what you describe sounds like an asexual, aromantic experience, but labels are there to help you, so only use them if they help you. I have a very close friend who vibes with a lot of my aroace feelings and experiences, but avoids using the labels, because she just feels like they box her in instead of adding to her experience.

[Lichley]

Welcome! Yeah I’d recommend looking into the types of attraction. It’s simple in concept but it takes someone explaining it to you to really get it. There’s a really good sketchcomic here: https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Since there's already input for the aro&ace side, I want to just say a little something about romance and attraction. Because see, even if I get attracted to people, I only get romantically attracted in certain cases, and yet it doesn't mean anything about not being able to fall in love with someone if I don't feel that attraction, especially just like that. What I mean is that you shouldn't base whether you're aromantic or not on attraction, especially not from the outset, and especially if you're just 'trying' to be in a relationship. Just like love can grow as you come know someone and be closer to them and care about them, romance can develop as you feel closer and connect emotionally to the person (demi-romantic). And it can't be forced.

So, it's definitely possible that you can be aromantic, and please don't take my take over your own, because I can't tell exactly how things are in this case, and I may also be biased ;p, it's just I don't want to say nothing because I think romance can be like falling in love with someone, an amazing experience. The level of intimacy that can be felt when you feel connected deeper to someone is significantly different than loving a friend, even if you can really love a friend deeply. Romance is just a way to express it beautifully or meaningfully and show love.

There's nothing wrong with not being interested in it, and somebody should not force themselves to be in relationships. But I just don't think someone would have to rule it out completely
I'm curious what you think about it though.