advice for an ace in a sexual relationship

[Sinking_In]

@More*of*Wenceslas TBH, I don't know how many asexual women I've dated. It's possible there have been a fair number of them prior to me being aware of asexuality (I haven't had sex with every woman I've dated), and obviously none of them (sexual or asexual) worked out until my current wife, who is asexual. We love one another, but it's a lot of work with many ups and downs. That's true of any relationship, but in a mixed one, sex typically becomes a point of contention. As for comparison to relationships with sexual women, I've certainly dated many, and had many of the same ups and downs. Personal relationships are typically built the same way, regardless of sexuality, but compatibility is usually quite important, either being similar or complimentary to one another. If one can remove sex from the equation, mixed relationships are likely a lot easier, but that's not easy for most sexual people. That's really the point.

[Sinking_In]

9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

aces, demis, greys, and other relatively-atypical sexualities have a very (comparatively) small pool of fellow “fringe” people from which to draw when it comes to seeking a non-mixed relationship, whereas more typically sexual people have a relatively large one.

I'm starting to think the asexual pool is a lot larger than we think. What's small is the pool of people AWARE that they are asexual, and have come out. I see this glass as half full, not half empty.

 

11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

When a mixed relationship ends it’s hard not to feel like the sexual partner will go on to find happiness (or at least more sex) elsewhere and the other partner will likely have to learn to be happy alone.

More sex doesn't always mean more happiness. Eating more food doesn't always make someone happier. Sometimes it's quite the opposite. As for learning to be happy alone, EVERYONE should learn to be happy alone. Depending on someone else to make us happy is not healthy, anyway.

 

I never want to discourage or disparage asexuals. My hope is that one day all asexuals are aware, out, and have the support of society. When that happens, I think we'd see the pool is quite deep and widespread.

[ryn2]

39 minutes ago, Sinking_In said:

My hope is that one day all asexuals are aware, out, and have the support of society. When that happens, I think we'd see the pool is quite deep and widespread.

This may be the case, but it’s more likely to help younger people than older ones.

 

40 minutes ago, Sinking_In said:

As for learning to be happy alone, EVERYONE should learn to be happy alone. Depending on someone else to make us happy is not healthy, anyway.

Oh, agreed.  I should have worded that more clearly.

 

Presently, when a mixed relationship ends, the sexual partner at least appears to face better odds of ending up in another, non-mixed relationship than the ace/grey/etc. partner does; it’s more likely the sexual partner will again be part of a couple, whereas the ace/grey/etc. partner who wants to avoid mixed relationships going forward is more likely to end up alone.

 

That aside, whether alone or together, we as individuals are the only ones who can make ourselves happy.

[anisotrophic]

6 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

all relationships are actually hard and no honeymoon lasts forever

I think this is very true; this is one issue you can actually anticipate, and all relationships have challenges.

 

In a sense it's recognizing that you've fallen into a more "picky" category for potential partners? There are other ways to get there, like being gay or trans to just name other LGBTQIA demographics.

 

I love that I'm transitioning, even if it means it's a lot less likely I'll meet someone new that would want a relationship with me (different bucket, similar outlook for lower pairing chances). I thought about that, but I wouldn't be happy in a relationship anyway trying to be female.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

8 hours ago, Sinking_In said:

As for learning to be happy alone, EVERYONE should learn to be happy alone. Depending on someone else to make us happy is not healthy, anyway.

 

Would you be happy alone? I find advice easier to follow from people who live it...Although of course you can't depend upon others, I know that...So it is technically good advice.

 

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

In a sense it's recognizing that you've fallen into a more "picky" category for potential partners?

Yes, that is true. I just have so little time and energy left now..I almost think it would be better to try to focus on something less...selfish..something bigger than my own personal happiness, as that seems such a needle in a haystack and almost a waste of time to pursue!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Anyway, I do hope the OP, who asked how she could improve her relationship with her sexual partner, has found some more constructive advice as this thread has become a little negative on that score and that was my main concern.

 

 

[appleseedy]

For sexual people, sex is important. Doesn't matter if you discuss sexual activity and come to an agreement about that.

 

Going to talk to you here as an asexual man who nevertheless has a high sex drive

 

Sex will always come up both literally and figuratively. For me i am quite content with a onesome, a sexual person will want a twosome. so every time it comes up your going to have to deal with it. This doesn't mean your relationship can't work or that you have to capitulate. In fact if you capitulate it probably isn't working anyway however, some kind of compromise might be possible. An open relationship wouldn't work for me cause it would ruin the experience of romance for me. but this isn't about me, if you can talk about sex and how you can help each other in a loving and non judgemental way perhaps between you a compromise can be reached. I mean all disagreements should be solved like this and just because it worked today doesn't mean you don't talk about it tomorrow, people are not stone, they are fluid and changeable.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 12/12/2019 at 6:03 PM, Sinking_In said:

I'm starting to think the asexual pool is a lot larger than we think. What's small is the pool of people AWARE that they are asexual, and have come out. I see this glass as half full, not half empty.

1% of the population is asexual. I think that you are confusing differences between sexuals with asexuality.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 12/12/2019 at 2:10 PM, anisotrophic said:

Can you tell me more? Is it that it underscores how difficult such relationships can be?

Just to answer this question a little more honestly, I guess what I'm hearing is that asexuals are 'bad in bed' basically. That's what you're saying - that no matter how hard they try they can never satisfy you. That isn't a nice thing to hear; it's not something that fills me with confidence in thinking I could go out and try to find a partner. Sometimes what i hear is that an asexual partner is some kind of affliction, something you have to come to terms with. 

 

it's very discouraging in terms of being in a relationship and while I do know I can be happy alone, I also know that being in a relationship makes me happy in a way that nothing else does. 

[Sinking_In]

1 hour ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

1% of the population is asexual. I think that you are confusing differences between sexuals with asexuality.

That's just it, this is an estimate, anyway. There are too many unknowns. My point is even 1% may be low-balling it, especially when factoring in gray-asexual. If we can confirm 1% are aware and identify as asexual, then it stands to reason at least another 1% don't. Again, all hypothetical, but I do believe there are more unknown/ unaware/ closeted asexuals than known/ aware/ openly asexuals.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

There is a difference between asexual and gray sexual.

 

I’m not sure the labels are all that useful but I do think it would help if it became easier to say that you didn’t want sex...Anything that removes the pressure to be sexual would probably benefit a lot of people 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

Just to answer this question a little more honestly, I guess what I'm hearing is that asexuals are 'bad in bed' basically. That's what you're saying - that no matter how hard they try they can never satisfy you. That isn't a nice thing to hear; it's not something that fills me with confidence in thinking I could go out and try to find a partner. Sometimes what i hear is that an asexual partner is some kind of affliction, something you have to come to terms with. 

 

it's very discouraging in terms of being in a relationship and while I do know I can be happy alone, I also know that being in a relationship makes me happy in a way that nothing else does. 

Well, it may not be good to hear.. but sex without mutual desire is unpleasant to many. It's not a bad thing. In fact, caring about partners being pleased is a good thing. I worry more when people dont care about their partners discomfort with sex. It just means the compatibility issue is difficult in some cases. 

 

Though, just because I couldn't have sex with an ace (sorry, I need my partner to be into it or just ain't happening) doesn't mean I wouldn't date one. I just would prefer celibacy to one sided sex (and I dont mind celibacy, if I still get cuddles). For one, I have had sex I wasn't into and it was not that fun, putting someone I love through it would... be the opposite of pleasurable. 

 

Relationships are not impossible, even mixed ones. It just is a big difference to overcome. Like kids or no kids. Travel or stay home. Lots of big potential deal breakers exist. Sexual compatibility is just one more. It isn't anything to feel bad about.