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nushie

Some questions about what romantic attraction feels like.

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nushie

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

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neighway

1. I get crushes on people pretty fast if I already think they have a cute face. If I'm not immediately attracted to their face, it would take a little getting to know them.

2. Depends on the intensity, but literally feels like my heart is full. 

3. Yup. 

4. Lately it's a little foggy because I've been thinking I might be panromantic, but for the most part I know when I'm not romantically attracted to someone. 

5. I would think it wouldn't be so uncommon, but I'm not sure

6. While I don't really have any friends at the moment haha, I loved my old friends in high school. We would tell each other we loved each other, hug, all that. But it's definitely not the same way I love my boyfriend.

 

Hope that helps :) 

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Aebt-Ætheling
  • For me it can be just after a few times. Never just off of sight. Usually there has to be something in their personality that kicks it off.
  • Focusing about them. I try to observe them (not in a creepy way, just realizing their particularities) and try to know more about them. I don't want to say I obsess over them, but I do think about them and evaluate their actions/speech/etc. more than I would normally.
  • For me yes, but I have crushes quite rarely. Honestly I don't get the idea of dating someone who is not already a reasonably close friend.
  • No, those things are very blurred. Often the truest and firmest romance includes platonic love, just ask any couple who have been together for a long time, they will say their relationship is more than just marriage (if they are married) but is friendship too. The best way for me to tell is I don't get any sensual attraction towards platonic friends, so when I get sensual attraction I know it is romantic. The crushes and squishes are very hard to differentiate, the best way I find is trying to figure out what you find romantic (not just what pop culture deems romantic, what you find romantic), and then if the crush/squish features a desire to do those things it is a crush. However this only works if you know you are romantic.
  • I don't have friends at present, also I am a guy and girls seem to have very different conceptions of what a 'normal' friendship is from guys. When I had friends there was a lot more emotional closeness to people I was romantically-attracted too, but that might be influenced that male-male friendships are rarely emotional and, being heteromantic, all of the romantically-attractive people were female. I doubt¬†that one group of people would feel love more vividly than others, that sounds like a misguided idea of 'compensating for something everyone needs' which could come back to denigrate aromantic people. In general though friendship tends to be more transactional: Person A¬†bring this and Person B¬†bring this and friendship forms, romance tends more towards unconditional (but never/very rarely¬†fully unconditional).
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Sarah-Sylvia
56 minutes ago, nushie said:

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

Bear in mind I'm pretty romantic, so try not to compare yourself too much, you may have more or other ways in you that can connect with romance.

1. A crush? It can actually be very quick for me. Most of the crushes I've had were. Some it might've taken a few days of feeling and seeing their personality, while others were almost instant. I see them and their mannerisms and I'm into them already. My aesthetic attraction can play a big role in triggering other attractions.


2. It feels like I want to be closer to them, get to know them and them know me, connect with them, care about them and hopefully they care about me, so we can connect deeper and maybe even love each other.. be partners and grow closer, and more. Yes, like I said, I'm pretty strongly romantic :P

3. I can have crushes with people I barely know. In love though, no, I think someone has to be careful with that, and it takes to know someone more, and connect with them as well. I've been in love, and that took at least a few weeks of exchanges from when we started talking more.

4. It's very very easy to tell for me. If I want to be friends with someone, I can care about them but I don't feel a yearning to go deeper and for both of us to love each other. And at most, I would only show light affection for a friend, caress only lightly, and hug, but in general it's more verbal and enjoying our time together, while with someone I'm romantic with I want to touch them, show affection, connect deeper, know their heart, their feelings, and more.

5. Oh it definitely is common. Even when someone is a little attracted to someone else, it can still take plenty of getting to know each other and getting closer before feeling romantic. It also depends how many barriers someone has. Some people aren't able to let themselves think they could love, or had bad experiences in the past, or just dont think about it or get much attracted on the onset. It really depends on the person.

6. It depends on the friend. Most I don't feel that much love, just a bit of care, I want them to be happy. But there can be all levels of depth with someone, and there are friends that I feel more deeply about, and maybe even wouldn't mind cuddling with, and being close, but I wouldn't feel romantically about them, only a little bit of intimacy, not full on :)


There really are a lot of different ways to connect to people, including friends. It all depends how close you can feel to each one. Some aren't compatible for deeper, some are.
And if you're demiromantic then you probably won't feel much romantic attraction until you get to know them more and see how you can feel together. Really depends. But it's worth exploring, including to get to know yourself. Some people have more strict tastes or what it would take to connect deeper with someone. Some don't need as much :P But doesn't mean it'll work out, since a crush usually means not truly knowing them fully.

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Chihiro
37 minutes ago, nushie said:
  • How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  • What does a crush feel like to you?
  • Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  • How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  • Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  • How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

1) Minimum a month, I think.

2) They are in my head all the time. I think about them a lot, wonder about them a lot.

3) Yes, I can crush. Fall in love. And some I can see as a possible potential partner/best friend and just "like them" like that. Without deeply knowing someone I can't fall in love.

4) Squish is when I simply think of opportunities to hang out with them. There is no warm gooey feelings. At least not consistently.

5) Not necessarily. But I am like that, I need to be close.

6) Its subjective. Many aro people mistakenly assume romantic love means kissing, holding hands etc. And hence they talk about "intense" friend love. But those are just actions. Its possible that those vivid friend-love is romantic feelings.

I can't compare friend-love with romantic-love. The feelings are very different so I can't say I feel friend-love strongly than romantic-love etc. I feel both when in romantic relationship, because the romantic partner will be my close friend too.

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crazy ace
52 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It feels like I want to be closer to them, get to know them and them know me, connect with them, care about them and hopefully they care about me, so we can connect deeper and maybe even love each other.. be partners and grow closer, and more. Yes, like I said, I'm pretty strongly romantic

For me, this is how I feel it, but I also get nervous around them too, or butterflies...

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Sarah-Sylvia
Just now, crazy ace said:

For me, this is how I feel it, but I also get nervous around them too, or butterflies...

Oh yeah I've felt plenty of that haha. For some of them I didn't even dare talk to them, I didn't want them to think I too forward or something. Though when I was older I took a bit more courage and found times to talk, and know each other a little more.

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nushie
1 hour ago, Aebt-Ætheling said:
  • No, those things are very blurred. Often the truest and firmest romance includes platonic love, just ask any couple who have been together for a long time, they will say their relationship is more than just marriage (if they are married) but is friendship too. The best way for me to tell is I don't get any sensual attraction towards platonic friends, so when I get sensual attraction I know it is romantic. The crushes and squishes are very hard to differentiate, the best way I find is trying to figure out what you find romantic (not just what pop culture deems romantic, what you find romantic), and then if the crush/squish features a desire to do those things it is a crush. However this only works if you know you are romantic.
  • I don't have friends at present, also I am a guy and girls seem to have very different conceptions of what a 'normal' friendship is from guys. When I had friends there was a lot more emotional closeness to people I was romantically-attracted too, but that might be influenced that male-male friendships are rarely emotional and, being heteromantic, all of the romantically-attractive people were female. I doubt¬†that one group of people would feel love more vividly than others, that sounds like a misguided idea of 'compensating for something everyone needs' which could come back to denigrate aromantic people. In general though friendship tends to be more transactional: Person A¬†bring this and Person B¬†bring this and friendship forms, romance tends more towards unconditional (but never/very rarely¬†fully unconditional).

Thanks for your answers!

Regarding what you said about sensual attraction, I'm usually very sensual with my friends. Like we'll just chill out together, but we'll be cuddling or sitting on each other's laps and it won't really mean anything because we know we're just friends. I also enjoy sensual things like cuddling and kissing, but again I do think about doing those things with friends that I'm sure I'm not romantically attracted to at all. So I suppose using sensual attraction to differentiate between a crush and a squish wouldn't exactly work well for me, heh.

I think what I've heard about how aro people feel friendship goes back to what you said about friendship being transactional and romance being unconditional. I've for sure felt romantic attraction once with a girlfriend I had a few years ago who I had known for a year or two before we dated. With her, romance did feel unconditional. But for me, friendship also feels unconditional in a way. I think what I meant about aro people feeling friendship more vivdily was that perhaps it's just based on valueing friendship more than non-aros since they/(we?) don't really feel those romantic things that much, if that makes sense. But you do make a good point about that being something to denigrate aros.

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nushie
58 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

4. It's very very easy to tell for me. If I want to be friends with someone, I can care about them but I don't feel a yearning to go deeper and for both of us to love each other. And at most, I would only show light affection for a friend, caress only lightly, and hug, but in general it's more verbal and enjoying our time together, while with someone I'm romantic with I want to touch them, show affection, connect deeper, know their heart, their feelings, and more.

5. Oh it definitely is common. Even when someone is a little attracted to someone else, it can still take plenty of getting to know each other and getting closer before feeling romantic. It also depends how many barriers someone has. Some people aren't able to let themselves think they could love, or had bad experiences in the past, or just dont think about it or get much attracted on the onset. It really depends on the person.
 

Thanks for answering! It's really interesting comparing how you, a really romantic person, feels compared to me. I think what's confusing me a bit is that I desire to be close to my friends and touch them in a cuddly kinda way, show affection, connect deeper, and all the things you said you want to do with your partners that you feel romantically about. I really desire that intimacy with friends. it obviously doesn't have to be with all my friends but maybe with a close friend or two. I kinda crave intimacy and would like to be intimate in general with many of my friends, but I'm not sure if this desire to be intimate and get to know them more is romantic attraction or if it's more squish-y.

What I meant about 5, was more of "is it not common to need to know someone well before feeling any romantic attraction to them?" not necessarily feeling romance or sparks fly between the two people, because regardless of whether people let themselves love, it still seems to me that most are able to just find romantic attraction.

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Sarah-Sylvia
19 minutes ago, nushie said:

Thanks for answering! It's really interesting comparing how you, a really romantic person, feels compared to me. I think what's confusing me a bit is that I desire to be close to my friends and touch them in a cuddly kinda way, show affection, connect deeper, and all the things you said you want to do with your partners that you feel romantically about. I really desire that intimacy with friends. it obviously doesn't have to be with all my friends but maybe with a close friend or two. I kinda crave intimacy and would like to be intimate in general with many of my friends, but I'm not sure if this desire to be intimate and get to know them more is romantic attraction or if it's more squish-y.

What I meant about 5, was more of "is it not common to need to know someone well before feeling any romantic attraction to them?" not necessarily feeling romance or sparks fly between the two people, because regardless of whether people let themselves love, it still seems to me that most are able to just find romantic attraction.

That's interesting :) I don't feel the same, but it may be because I put those feelings into the romantic side. I don't feel like I want to get closer intimately with most of my friends, there's just not that compatibility for closeness. That said, I do think I could feel like you in some cases, because I always like and maybe even crave intimacy. It would just have to be a particular type of person or connection for me to feel that way. I do love cuddling, I just don't have any friends I'd feel comfortable cuddling with at the time. I'd love to though :)
You probably don't project your desire or need for closeness and intimacy on the romantic side as much, so it lets you feel more of it on the friendly side.


As for 5 if it's just romantic attraction, then I feel it still fits with what I said, I would just change it to say that someone can develop that attraction over time. A crush though, I don't know, but yes I would be able to grow romantic feelings for someone i wasnt originally attracted to, making me feel attracted to them after i know them more or are closer. I think this is actually normal, even if a lot of people can still be a little attracted first. I could picture it in my case with someone that I'm not too aesthetically attracted to, and then getting to know them or feeling closer would trigger something. I can think of one or two instances where that might've happened, but I was still a liiittle bit aesthetically attracted to them before, though thought of them more as friends before the feelings came up much later.

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Galactic Turtle
3 hours ago, nushie said:

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

Popping in just so you can also get an aromantic response! 

 

1. I've never had a crush on someone.

 

2. Don't know! 

 

3. No data.

 

4. Squish isn't useful vocabulary for me. Currently I am in a position where there are two people I want to become friends with but at the moment I'd consider to be more close acquaintances/colleagues. I guess you could call those squishes? I'm just not a fan of the terminology. They're simply people I hope I can grow closer to in the future.

 

5. Because of hormones and such, some people are just instantly attracted to each other. That also doesn't mean that hormones can't kick in at any time. You could know someone for a decade before everything in your brain lines up and *boom* you have non-platonic feelings for them. Friends to lovers is a trope after all.

 

6. Personally I think I view friends in a very typical way? I don't know what it's like to be other people but a friend of mine who is not aromantic has a lot more feelings in general which crosses over to her feelings and expectations of friendship. With as few words as possible: she's clingy, and that's ok. Some people are just like that. I also feel varying strengths of connections to some friends over others. The more similar we are in values/world outlook/personality the more on the same wavelength I feel with them and even if our conversations with each other aren't happening daily, when they do happen I feel happier about it than I would after speaking to other friends. 

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Sinking_In
  1. When I was young, it could be instant. As I've gotten older, it takes a little getting to know someone, and personality now plays more of a role than physical beauty.
  2. A crush feels like a rush of adrenaline, faster heart beat, feeling anxious or happy (or both!)
  3. When I was young, yes. Now that I have gained more control over my emotions, not so much.
  4. I can tell the difference between a crush and a squish. To me, the difference is simply whether or not I feel the desire to be physical with that person (pretty much the very definition)
  5. It is a common notion that closeness plays as much a role as attraction on romantic feelings/ urges (they affect one another), though one could feel romantic feelings or urges for people they are not necessarily close to or personally familiar with.
  6. I have very dear friends that I love very much, as much as family. Some whom I also find sexually attractive, but my love of our friendship, and respect for them and myself, keep me from acting on the romantic attraction. The love is stronger than the attraction.

(I am a sexually romantic person)

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Laurann
3 hours ago, nushie said:

How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?

Fairly quickly. A short conversation is enough for me to start liking them, but I wouldn't immediately call that a crush. I'd need to see them a couple of times for that feeling to grow and only then I'd classify it as a crush. The more time I spend with someone the stronger the crush can become. 

 

3 hours ago, nushie said:

What does a crush feel like to you?

Being interested in getting to know them better, wanting to spend time with them, wanting to hug them, thinking about things I want to tell them even when they aren't there, caring about whether they like me too, wanting to boop their nose sometimes (I don't know man, I don't actually do it).

 

4 hours ago, nushie said:

Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?

Crushes and 'falling in like' yes, but 'in love' no.

 

4 hours ago, nushie said:

How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?

It's taken some practice to recognize the difference, and I have confused the two before. It's not always very clear to me. It may take some analyzing of feelings haha. This is mostly because I don't want to kiss people. I experience romantic attraction differently than how it is usually described in media, and than people (who aren't ace) typically experience it.

 

4 hours ago, nushie said:

it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?

I'm not sure how common demiromanticism is statistically speaking.

 

4 hours ago, nushie said:

How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Pretty strongly I'd say. Depends on the friend. I don't know how it compares to aromantic people.

 

2 hours ago, nushie said:

I think what I've heard about how aro people feel friendship goes back to what you said about friendship being transactional and romance being unconditional.

Friendship is not more conditional than romance for me. 

I have friends that I love unconditionally, and friends that I love conditionally (as in, there are things they could do that would make me stop loving them as friends). I would not call any of my friendships transactional.

Crushes can be conditional too. If someone I'm crushing on says or does a thoroughly creepy thing, the crush vanishes very quickly.

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, Sinking_In said:
  1. When I was young, it could be instant. As I've gotten older, it takes a little getting to know someone, and personality now plays more of a role than physical beauty.
  2. A crush feels like a rush of adrenaline, faster heart beat, feeling anxious or happy (or both!)
  3. When I was young, yes. Now that I have gained more control over my emotions, not so much.
  4. I can tell the difference between a crush and a squish. To me, the difference is simply whether or not I feel the desire to be physical with that person (pretty much the very definition)
  5. It is a common notion that closeness plays as much a role as attraction on romantic feelings/ urges (they affect one another), though one could feel romantic feelings or urges for people they are not necessarily close to or personally familiar with.
  6. I have very dear friends that I love very much, as much as family. Some whom I also find sexually attractive, but my love of our friendship, and respect for them and myself, keep me from acting on the romantic attraction. The love is stronger than the attraction.

(I am a sexually romantic person)

I noticed that you mixed romance and sexuality a couple times, which I guess is true to you being a sexually romantic person, but I just felt like saying that crushes don't lead to physicality necessarily. It does for me because I'm pretty sensual, but a crush is often more romantic than having to do with sex, but of course someone sexual would probably include it. 
I also saw you  said you found a friend sexually attractive, but then you said romantic attraction later. Which kind of tells me that for you they're very much mixed together somehow. A lot of people might be like that outside this forum though. Just interesting to see. I also think it's great that your love is actually what helps you keep the boundaries well intact.

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Scribbles
4 hours ago, nushie said:

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

1. For me, personally, being a hopeless romantic, it could happen instantly. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in 'that person is cute/I want to get to know that person better' at first sight.

 

2. Jane the Virgin puts it best, "It feels like your heart is glowing."My crushes are intense, because I get too easily attached to people in general. I'm full of affection I can't outwardly express. (My past few crushes have been for guys who were unavailable, or, at the time, I was too socially anxious to say anything. I've gotten better about that. I was able to ask a boy to coffee this summer! Didn't go anywhere, but I feel like, in the future, I'll be able to better confess my feelings someday, once the right person comes along.)

 

3. Everyone is different. I had a crush on a classmate and, I guess, friend, for over two years and I'd say I was in love with him. We had classes together, and he and I were in a group that went to France, so I got to know him fairly well. He had a girlfriend, though, and I could tell he only saw me as a friend. Life got way more fun and way less stressful when I accepted that he wasn't interested and became his friend. Some people might mistake infatuation for love. I guess the difference is infatuation is being in love with the idea of someone, more like, "I 'love' this person because I don't want to be alone." 'Love' is when you get to know someone and you accept their flaws, remember details about them, and feel comfortable around them. 'Heart glowing' is one part, but intense stomach pain and anxiety and staring out the window to Taylor Swift is what happens to me, too. 

 

TL;DR Maybe, depends on the person. (AVEN makes me rant. Sorry.)

 

4. Oh, yes. I have very similar reactions to having a crush and having a new friend. Both involve rambling to my mom and getting excited to see them again. I don't get nervous around friends, though. I don't have problems arranging time to hang out or telling them I love them, if they're close friends. But crushes make me nervous, although I've gotten better about that, recently. Also I don't want to kiss my friends. Sometimes it's hard to describe romantic love, it just is. Sometimes a close friendship can be as intense as a crush, for me. It's just different. I'm an extrovert, so I hate being by myself, in general, and my excitement to spend time with others might be a little overwhelming to some, so I try to be aware of how I sound.

 

5. No, that's normal. It's natural to get to know someone before you develop romantic feelings, unless someone's crush is 100% a physical thing. If you don't know the person, other than their face, what's there to have a crush on? 

 

6. I love my friends more than words could ever say. We tell each other all the time. It's not weird for us. We'll cuddle, hug, encourage each other, and support each other. One of my best friends is in Arizona for college. I sent her a care package for her birthday. She sent me a gift for my birthday. We're family, at this point. We're all secure in our identities, so it's not bizarre for us to be so affectionate. It's just-- not romantic. It just isn't. There's nothing more to it than that. I also get that "heart glowing" feeling for my friends, but it's different. Or a different color? I don't know. Romantic would be pink, and platonic/familial would be yellow?

 

Sorry if this is sentimental nonsense. I sometimes get a bit over-dramatic about these things, but I'm a writer and grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies..

 

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Sinking_In

@Sarah-Sylvia¬†true, for me romantic and sexual attraction are often/ usually connected, although, I have been romantically attracted to some whom I've not been sexually attracted to, and have been sexually attracted to some whom I've had no romantic attraction,¬†if that makes any sense?¬†¬Į\_(„ÉĄ)_/¬Į

And yes, I am both sexually and romantically attracted to my friend, but I love and respect her so much that it is not an issue (we've known one another for over 20 years). I can say the EXACT SAME THING about my wife, actually. My wife and I make better partners than lovers, though when love-making does happen, as seldom as it may be, it can be a beautifully connecting moment, however fleeting. The point is, I value trust and friendships above all else. I guess you can say I am more attracted to souls than bodies, but I'm attracted to everything about them, nonetheless. Body and soul.

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Sithgroundhog
5 hours ago, nushie said:
  • How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  • What does a crush feel like to you?
  • Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  • How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  • Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  • How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Hmmm, well I've had trouble determining the differences between when I had a squish and a crush, so I'll just assume they were crushes for now.

  • It took me a little while after meeting them. Sometimes it would happen fairly quickly if I was interested in them for whatever reason (they were cute, they seemed interesting, etc.) but never right away. It would always be after I know we can have a fun conversation that I would feel more interested in them.
  • Wanting to talk with that person a lot. To know about them and to tell them about me. To want to share my interests with them and participate in activities together.¬†
  • I can if I've gone on a few dates with them. I wouldn't describe any of my crushes as people I was especially close to before getting a crush on them (hence why I might have experiences squishes).
  • I don't have much of a drive to become friends with people. Like people are around, I talk to them, we become close. I can tell when we might click and when we might not. But otherwise? No idea since squishes and crushes are confusing.
  • "Feeling anything romantic" is vague. Argueably, I am not a very romantic person. It took me a little bit to want to do anything normally considered to be "romantic", even though I wanted to talk to him nonstop, go to the park with him, etc.¬†
  • I... do not know if I feel "love" for my friends. I'm close with them, but I wouldn't call it love. If they decided to drop me and never talk to me again, I'd be sad but not broken up over it, though I'd want to know why at least. But I'm not that social and have a history of letting friendships die.¬†
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AJ 0688
On 12/5/2019 at 5:31 PM, nushie said:

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

Hi Nushie

 

These are such good questions. I dunno if I have the answer to any of them as I am kind of just coming to terms with being Asexual myself so alot of the terms and descriptive words are still new but I will give it a shot. 

 

1) I'm not really sure how long exactly but it can take a while for me to establish that I may like or have a crush on someone. We have a man at my place of work that a co-worker of mine named "Ken doll" because he is the physical real image of a barbie ken doll. Same hair, same physique, same build and every time he walks in the room, I look at him and I acknowledge that he's good looking and that I like looking at him and not a stare or heavy gaze or anything weird but like a short glance now and again. Other than that and getting a little shy when I pass him by the coffee machine I get nothing. Either that or I tend to try awkward banter that sometimes just comes off as me seeming like I'm unhappy (But it's not the case really I just have serious Resting Bitch Face) 

 

2) crushes to me are like when I see a guy and feel this overwhelming shyness followed by anxiety over not being able to handle the fact that I have a crush on this person. Then I overthink everything and this all just from looking at them I haven't spoken to them, I haven't even gone near them yet and I'll be right into self sabotage mood. 

 

3) Falling in love is tricky as I am an introvert and my ideal times to be happy are primarily when I'm by myself. So I think if I were to love someone it would mean they could be sat in my personal and private space with me and it wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't fret about little things like "they're using my pillow" or "sitting on my chair" it "they put that dvd back in the wrong place on the shelf which us in alphabetical order!" (yes I can be that way with my stuff in my home)

 

4) To be honest I have problem spotting this too. As I can be kind of cautious of everyone unless I actively choose to talk to them. People for me are like my type of books, movies and songs. I have a Win and a Nope policy. If I can walk up to someone ask them a question and still have a polite, friendly conversation with them afterwards its a win! If after the initial question things get awkward and fair tense whilst trying to make small talk it's a no! I dunno why but I just get a sense for people I will and won't necessarily get along with. 

 

5) I think this depends on the type of person you are as well as the type if person you're with. 

 

6) my friends are kind of like family to me. I can literally count the number of good friends I have on both hands. I can be very loyal and caring towards people i like or love. 

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Hepalien
On 12/5/2019 at 12:31 PM, nushie said:

Hey there! Lately I've been thinking I might be aro or demiro, because I've been learning that what I feel is apparently not really normal for most people in regards to romantic attraction. I know I'm definitely not asexual though, because I do feel sexual attraction a lot, so I also realized I've conflated crushes with squishes or wanting to have sex with people/be fwb's in the past. So I had a couple questions for all the people that do feel romantic attraction on this site ūüôā It would be super great if anyone would be able to answer some or all of them, as it might clear up some doubts I have. Thanks in advance if you do answer anything ^-^

  1. How little time after meeting someone can you get a crush on them?
  2. What does a crush feel like to you?
  3. Can you really have crushes or fall in love or "in like" with people who aren't close friends or people you only spent a few dates with?
  4. How clearly can you tell the difference between romantic and friendship feelings? Like is it very clear the difference between a crush and a squish?
  5. Is it not a common thing to need to be super close with someone before feeling anything romantic?
  6. How strongly do you feel love to your friends? I've heard aro-spectrum people feel love for their friends a lot more vividly than non-aro-spectrum people, so I'm wondering how friendship feels to other people.

Thank you!! :)

alright so I’m going to start by letting you know that I’m a bit new to all this too, but I’ll let you know what I feel and hopefully it helps. Also if it helps I identify as panromantic and asexual


1. I have only experienced two real crushes in my life. The first was only a month after knowing them and the second took an entire year. That being said, crushes can totally develop faster or slower and half the time could just be you trying to understand the emotions you have. 
 

2. I assume that for me it is very much like the attraction a sexual person has for someone (Or at least as it was explained to me by my very sexual friend). I just notice them more. Start to think about them a lot. I realized that every time the person left or maybe they got upset with me, I would be sad, in a way that an argument with anyone else wouldn’t have bothered me. Plus, I looked forward to seeing them and talking to them constantly. 
 

3. personally I was always friends with the people I fell for. 
 

4. This one is hard. Seeing as I always developed friendship first I tended to view them as a squish and then it turned into romantic feelings. A lot of the time I would catch myself thinking about the two of us together just living life. After that I would think what if I care about them as more than a friend (a little clique I know). After that I stopped and just thought about it. What if I were to be romantic with them? Would I be comfortable with it/did I want that? If the automatic response was no then it was just a squish. 
 

5. I would say that this is the most influenced on not just the person feeling the romantic attraction but also dependent on the other person. From my experience romantic attraction takes a while. I have a friend though who either falls hard in a week or it never happens. 
 

6. I would do anything for my friends. I often care a little too much that it gets us into fights even. Honestly it’s like having more siblings, only ones that you get to choose and have similar interests. 
 

hope this helps and sorry for going a bit on a rant. 

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Hepalien
On 12/5/2019 at 2:29 PM, nushie said:

Thanks for answering! It's really interesting comparing how you, a really romantic person, feels compared to me. I think what's confusing me a bit is that I desire to be close to my friends and touch them in a cuddly kinda way, show affection, connect deeper, and all the things you said you want to do with your partners that you feel romantically about. I really desire that intimacy with friends. it obviously doesn't have to be with all my friends but maybe with a close friend or two. I kinda crave intimacy and would like to be intimate in general with many of my friends, but I'm not sure if this desire to be intimate and get to know them more is romantic attraction or if it's more squish-y.

What I meant about 5, was more of "is it not common to need to know someone well before feeling any romantic attraction to them?" not necessarily feeling romance or sparks fly between the two people, because regardless of whether people let themselves love, it still seems to me that most are able to just find romantic attraction.

Hey Nushie

 

so a actually have a friend who is Aro heterosexual that comes over to movie nights and stuff with a bunch of my other friends and just asks to cuddle with us. She is super intimate with all of her friend (which have giving her some issues unfortunately). I didn’t truly understand aromantism prior to talk with her. How she explained it was that she had no desire for a commitment from it. She didn’t want things to get very personal when it came to the cuddling. She wanted to be held and the rest of the time just wanted to talk and hang out a couple times a week. Not to say that all aros experience it like this, nor that it’s the best definition. However on the romantic point of view, I always looked at it as a future. As a possibility to be more connected with that one person in particularly. There was a different kind of emotion there that never cropped up under regular friendship, and it gave me a giddy feeling when the person was around. 
 

now if that wasn’t bough of a rant, to comment on the finding romantic attraction. I would say there is likely a level of sensual or aesthetic attraction that would help contribute to that automatic response. For me, I don’t experience aesthetic attraction and haven’t really experienced much sensual attraction all of a sudden like that. I find mine generally takes time to grow. And when it does than I experience both the romantic and sensual attraction that honestly hits like a frickin rock. 
 

sorry to kinda blow up the feed all at once, but I hope it helps. Feel free to ask me questions too if you want. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
16 minutes ago, Hepalien said:

Hey Nushie

 

so a actually have a friend who is Aro heterosexual that comes over to movie nights and stuff with a bunch of my other friends and just asks to cuddle with us. She is super intimate with all of her friend (which have giving her some issues unfortunately). I didn’t truly understand aromantism prior to talk with her. How she explained it was that she had no desire for a commitment from it. She didn’t want things to get very personal when it came to the cuddling. She wanted to be held and the rest of the time just wanted to talk and hang out a couple times a week. Not to say that all aros experience it like this, nor that it’s the best definition. However on the romantic point of view, I always looked at it as a future. As a possibility to be more connected with that one person in particularly. There was a different kind of emotion there that never cropped up under regular friendship, and it gave me a giddy feeling when the person was around. 
 

now if that wasn’t bough of a rant, to comment on the finding romantic attraction. I would say there is likely a level of sensual or aesthetic attraction that would help contribute to that automatic response. For me, I don’t experience aesthetic attraction and haven’t really experienced much sensual attraction all of a sudden like that. I find mine generally takes time to grow. And when it does than I experience both the romantic and sensual attraction that honestly hits like a frickin rock. 
 

sorry to kinda blow up the feed all at once, but I hope it helps. Feel free to ask me questions too if you want. 

So you're demi-sensual :D

I just find that interesting. I'm fully that, so I always desire sensuality, hehe. Same with romance, but that's more for closer people, or partners. (or i guess those that I'm attracted to in that way)

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