I can't stand the thought of being in a relationship with someone who is sexually attracted to me.

[frostboot]

Hello! 

I've been identifying as asexual for years now and only now decided to get an AVEN account, which feels a bit strange. But considering that I have no ace friends, neither in real life nor online, I decided that it's time to crawl out of my little shell of shame and ask for some advice.
I'm sex repulsed and after having a few relationships where I felt pressured into doing things that I'd rather not, it's a pretty touchy subject for me. Previously I was able to have relationships with allosexual people and just be vocal about my limits, but I have reached a point where that is not something even remotely on the table anymore. I don't mind people being attracted to me, if anything it's flattering, but the thought of being in a relationship with someone who wants more than I'm willing to give is unbearable.
I have a close allo friend who admitted that she has feelings for me a while back. I told her I didn't feel the same way about her, but after another while that changed and the realization nearly gave me an anxiety attack. That I was even a little bit romantically attracted to her was something that I knew I could never act on because that would mean entering a relationship, and while I trust her to never ever push me to do anything, I simply can't deal with that thought. I just can't. I ended up wallowing in my anxiety for a couple of days until I found that I was no longer attracted to her. Like I had emotionally noped out of the situation.
Honestly, I don't know if I will ever in my life be able to stand the thought of being in a relationship with an allosexual person, and that closes a lot of doors. It makes me feel like I will never find someone who's on the same page as me. I also realize that this is something i should probably talk to my friend about but I have no clue how I would even start that conversation. I have told two people flat out about my asexuality and it didn't go very well. 
If anyone can relate or has any advice, I would be really happy to hear it!

[nanogretchen4]

I don't think you should tell your friend that you had feelings for her for a couple of days. What's the point? You told her you did not reciprocate her feelings. It was true when you said it and it's true now. Why keep returning to a topic of conversation that is probably painful to her? It will just give her false hope, which would be cruel. Just stick with the one clear no you already gave her.

 

Feeling like you don't want to date outside your orientation is very sensible of you. If you want to date, why not seek out other asexuals?

[frostboot]

11 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

I don't think you should tell your friend that you had feelings for her for a couple of days. What's the point? You told her you did not reciprocate her feelings. It was true when you said it and it's true now. Why keep returning to a topic of conversation that is probably painful to her? It will just give her false hope, which would be cruel. Just stick with the one clear no you already gave her.

 

Feeling like you don't want to date outside your orientation is very sensible of you. If you want to date, why not seek out other asexuals?

Thanks for responding! I think you misunderstood me! What I want to talk to her about is my asexuality and my whole problem with relationships. I feel like we are close enough friends that she deserves to know more in detail about how I feel, but I don't know how to breach the subject. 
The second problem is that I don't know other asexuals and despite attempting to seek others out I have had no luck. I guess this is really just me expressing that I feel incredibly lost and lonely in a world that I don't feel is made for people like me. 

[lazypanda]

Never give up hope ! You might meet someone on the same page as you someday( theoretically, anything is possible). As you must have seen on AVEN already, there are A LOT of people who feel like you in this world, so you are clearly not alone.

I can understand your panic about being in a relationship with a sexual person(trust me, as a woman, that panic is multiplied by a million for me). But you don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I would rather die single than be in an uncomfortable relationship. So, what you did was the right thing. I doubt you explaining your asexuality to your friend would have made much of a difference, so don't beat yourself up over that.

If you wish to meet more aces in person, consider going to AVEN meetups.

Hope you have a good time on AVEN. Don't forget to have some cake 😉🍰

 

[Rynn]

Yeah I can relate. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who was sexually attracted to me either. That just feels all sorts of wrong. Almost like a betrayal of trust, or like they see me for something I am not. I'm having a hard time describing why it feels so wrong. 

I think it's a combination of

1, I don't know what sexual attraction is like, and the unknown is always scarier than the known.

2, descriptions people have given of sexual attraction (like, them having fantasies about the people they were attracted to) make it sound invasive. It kind of feels like if some dude on the street is staring at you in an 'undressing you with my eyes' kind of way, you know what I mean? Except it's someone you know, hence the betrayal feeling.

3, dysphoria, I don't want to think about those body parts and I'd rather nobody else did either. They're not me.

4, negative experiences surrounding consent and the lack of it.

I'm probably still missing a couple of factors though. It feels like a complicated mess of negative emotions. I don't really get it yet.

 

2 hours ago, frostboot said:

I don't mind people being attracted to me, if anything it's flattering,

^ For me even this is a big nope (assuming you are talking about sexual attraction, romantic is fine of course).

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Bizarrely enough I can't stand the thought of a cream tea if smoked salmon isn't part of the deal! 😵 Having wiggled up Ogleforth a few times I'll blame the Cecil Court Hotel for that one... 😄

[abandoned-account]

Feeling alone in a world you feel you don't belong can be very hard, I would know. The way I see it though, any relationship where the other person would need sex in order to be happy is just not one I could feel comfortable being in, and they'd likely be better off with someone else who'd actually want it anyway. Having to be alone is much better than ending up in a toxic relationship that could drain the life out of you (and a potential partner).

 

lazypanda is right, too. Being a sex-repulsed asexual with many issues I figured my chances of any happy relationship were not very high, yet even I have been fortunate enough to have found the right one with a fellow ace. So yeah, anything's possible!

[WanderingKate]

While I wouldn't classify myself as sex repulsed, I'm definitely eeked out when people look at me with "bedroom eyes" or flirt with me in a sexual manner. Strangely enough, knowing someone is attracted to me is a huge turn off. If I know someone has a crush on me I will avoid them at all costs and become incredibly awkward...my mind just jumps to "oh, they see me that way." I think because I can't sexualize people myself, I find the concept of it strange and objectifying, even though I'm aware its very normal and human in actuality. So yeah, I get what you mean...I don't think I'll ever date a sexual person again, in the past it's only caused me anxiety and unhappiness. 

[SithLord]

This reminded me a bit of @Nowhere Girl, to be honest. 

[frostboot]

You people are so kind! Thank you all! The more I read of your responses, the more I realize that not wanting a relationship with an allosexual isn't weird at all. It just feels like it, because of societal standards and all that good stuff. It's pretty funny how I never see other ace people as weird for feeling the way they do but beat myself up over it,. 

 

13 hours ago, Laurann said:

3, dysphoria, I don't want to think about those body parts and I'd rather nobody else did either. They're not me.

That's a very good point, actually! Personally, I don't really have a clue where my dysphoria ends and where my asexuality begins. So thanks for bringing that up, gave me something to think about. 

 

10 hours ago, Veezle said:

lazypanda is right, too. Being a sex-repulsed asexual with many issues I figured my chances of any happy relationship were not very high, yet even I have been fortunate enough to have found the right one with a fellow ace. So yeah, anything's possible!

I'm so happy to hear that! We really need more visibility in media and stuff so we don't have to grow up feeling like this. 

 

10 hours ago, SithGrinch said:

This reminded me a bit of @Nowhere Girl, to be honest. 

I have no clue who that is. If they've said something similar, do you think you could link me to it? 

[everywhere and nowhere]

@frostboot - maybe I'll explain personally. Perhaps I'm one of the more active users who are very open and even glad about being sex-averse. And yes, I have written this kind of things a few times... particularly that I would feel uncomfortable with someone being sexually attracted to me, which is why I do my best to wear clothes which are nice and colourful, but as far from "sexy" as possible (and generally to look asexy - which to me means "un-sexy", not "asexual"). I'm very much sex-averse, so I would feel uncomfortable with the thought that someone is imagining sexual scenes with my participation. "Partnered sex with my participation" is something I simply don't want to ever exist.

[frostboot]

3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

@frostboot - maybe I'll explain personally. Perhaps I'm one of the more active users who are very open and even glad about being sex-averse. And yes, I have written this kind of things a few times... particularly that I would feel uncomfortable with someone being sexually attracted to me, which is why I do my best to wear clothes which are nice and colourful, but as far from "sexy" as possible (and generally to look asexy - which to me means "un-sexy", not "asexual"). I'm very much sex-averse, so I would feel uncomfortable with the thought that someone is imagining sexual scenes with my participation. "Partnered sex with my participation" is something I simply don't want to ever exist.

Thank you! I can definitely relate to being uncomfortable with people fantasizing about me in that way. However, I like it when people find me attractive, since I was at least to some extent raised with the idea that my worth is based my physical appearance and how others view me.
The idea of wearing colourful asexy clothing is wonderful!  
When you say you are glad about being sex-averse, do you mean that like the thought of being any other way makes you uneasy? Because I think I can relate to that. As much as I struggle with accepting that this is the way I am, I don't want to feel sexual attraction. It seems very alien to me. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

15 hours ago, frostboot said:

When you say you are glad about being sex-averse, do you mean that like the thought of being any other way makes you uneasy? Because I think I can relate to that. As much as I struggle with accepting that this is the way I am, I don't want to feel sexual attraction. It seems very alien to me. 

Yes. I wouldn't want to be practically allosexual, sex-indifferent or psychologically capable of having sex (because really, I consider sex something impossible for me, I would probably panic in such a situation). I simply feel uncomfortable even with the idea of a potential future in which I could have sex. I'm intelligent enough to realise that my sex aversion and nudity aversion have the characteristics of a vicious circle, but still I refuse to consider it something wrong. I have a right to my own feelings, I'm not obligated to be "happy" according to what the society considers to be "happiness". I prefer my sex aversion, I prefer a life without sex and refuse to consider it dysfunctional or to believe that I'm supposedly "missing out".

I simply don't consider sex as such valuable enough. "Sex as such" has no value, it can only become "good" or "evil" in an individual context (and I have no trouble with saying that a) sex under pressure is wrong, and b) that likely the majority of sex people have all over the world is not free from pressure...). It also has no objective qualities: it isn't "objectively pleasant" or "objectively amazing", people who perceive sex as terrifying or unpleasant are not "wrong". They are probably a minority, but their preception is no less correct. Why are "we" (as society) fine with people not liking lettuce or the colour yellow, but can't accept the fact that some people don't like and/or don't even want to try sex?

[frostboot]

@Nowhere Girl I really like the thought that sex isn't objectively good, and the lettuce thing is a great point too.
Thank you for taking the time to so pedagogical! It means a lot to hear these thoughts from someone else and to talk about it with people who understand.