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gray-a girl

I don't understand sexual attraction?

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Serran

You mentioned cuddling and kissing in relation to sexual attraction and the reasoning for cuddling and kissing being sexual to begin with.

 

I am sexually attracted to my spouse and experience responsive desire only. 

 

You just seem a bit confused about sexual attraction and how it relates to romantic/ sensual and response desire. 

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gray-a girl
1 minute ago, Serran said:

You mentioned cuddling and kissing in relation to sexual attraction and the reasoning for cuddling and kissing being sexual to begin with.

 

I am sexually attracted to my spouse and experience responsive desire only. 

 

You just seem a bit confused about sexual attraction and how it relates to romantic/ sensual and response desire. 

That would be why I started a thread to ask the question...

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gray-a girl

Hmm I was reading a bit about aromantics... and demi-romantics. I think, demi-romantic might fit me. I don't really experience crushes... I think I did once.... but that I think was more sexual in nature (hence the gray a) so not sure if it was a romantic crush at all actually... . But for the most part, I don't really experience romantic crushes... however, after getting to know someone for a long time, it seems that I can fall in love and want to do romantic stuff (minus the kissing) if romantic stuff is like, cuddling, walking on the beach, sharing hobbies, etc.

Maybe thats the thing that I always felt was missing, compared to sexual people. That I don't really experience crushes...just never thought about it before. And my sexuality is weird too... I just, don't get turned on by people. Only kink.

A few years ago I had basically given up on dating and had resigned myself to being single... because I really felt no interest in dating people it always felt like a chore. I was lonely, but I just thought I had to accept that. Then I was put on a medication that has a side effect of increased libido... my sex drive soared... and it was always kink stuff. ...so I tried looking for someone to do kink with. I met my ex, and then after about a year or two fell in love with him. (Then my libido plummeted...so now, very low libido).

We are not together anymore but, I want to be in love again it was really nice. If I had known how awesome falling in love is, I think I would have felt more motivated to date a long time ago. I would also like my libido back, I had enjoyed having one.

But, I think, demi-romantic might really fit me...

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Serran
1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:

That would be why I started a thread to ask the question...

Which is why I mentioned cuddling and kissing has nothing to do with sexual anything... even for those of us with responsive desire, or especially for aces... because you keep connecting the two, asking how we get to the cuddling and kissing without sexual feelings first, etc. I fit the demographic you're trying to make sense of (sexual with responsive only desire and yes I am sexually attracted to my spouse). So, dont really need articles. But, I can try to correct misconceptions or answer how it works if you need. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:

Hmm I was reading a bit about aromantics... and demi-romantics. I think, demi-romantic might fit me. I don't really experience crushes... I think I did once.... but that I think was more sexual in nature (hence the gray a) so not sure if it was a romantic crush at all actually... . But for the most part, I don't really experience romantic crushes... however, after getting to know someone for a long time, it seems that I can fall in love and want to do romantic stuff (minus the kissing) if romantic stuff is like, cuddling, walking on the beach, sharing hobbies, etc.
[...]
We are not together anymore but, I want to be in love again it was really nice. If I had known how awesome falling in love is, I think I would have felt more motivated to date a long time ago. I would also like my libido back, I had enjoyed having one.

But, I think, demi-romantic might really fit me...


This reminds me that I did experience romantic crushes in my life. I remember I had them when I was really young, before I ever even thought about sex or knew what it even was. They really made me fall for a  few girls, even just based on their personality, their looks, and possibly other stuff.

But I also understand getting to know someone and loving them more as I'd get to know them. I think that this is especially possible for when I don't have a romantic crush on someone. Anyway, is kind of interesting to think about..
 

 

32 minutes ago, Serran said:

Which is why I mentioned cuddling and kissing has nothing to do with sexual anything... even for those of us with responsive desire, or especially for aces... because you keep connecting the two, asking how we get to the cuddling and kissing without sexual feelings first, etc. I fit the demographic you're trying to make sense of (sexual with responsive only desire and yes I am sexually attracted to my spouse). So, dont really need articles. But, I can try to correct misconceptions or answer how it works if you need. 

Since you have responsive desires, maybe you could talk about if things like kissing can get you 'into the mood'. Do you experience sexual attraction at some point?

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Serran
7 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Since you have responsive desires, maybe you could talk about if things like kissing can get you 'into the mood'. Do you experience sexual attraction at some point?

What gets me "in the mood" varies. Sometimes laying in bed with my wife can cause the idea of initiating to seem nice, sometimes I just enjoy laying there. Sometimes kissing can, sometimes the kiss is just nice. Sometimes teasing can, sometimes I just enjoy being teased. What matters is how serious my partner is about wanting me in the moment, if she isn't turned on and wanting then she could do basically nothing to get me there. If she is, then it's quite easy to get me to respond. It's more my desires respond to hers than my desire responds to any sort of activity. Like, if she is turned on I am. If she isn't, nothing she does will do it, even sticking her hands down there. And it's a sense to tell when she is, my body picks up on her signals even when she isn't initiating. 

 

As for sexual attraction, I would say I am sexually attracted to my wife. Because sexual attraction is the desire to connect sexually with her. Which I have, in a responsive way. I have been in five long term relationships in my life. In four, nothing the person could do would get me interested. And having sex was a chore done just for them. With my wife, I want it, I initiate it, I like it and I kinda miss it sometimes if we are apart. The difference between the two is I am sexually attracted to her and wasn't to the others, despite romantic feelings for them. 

 

If you are asking if I ever look at someone and go wanna bang you... no. If you're asking if I ever look at someone and get aroused, no. But it isn't that unusual for sexuals to not experience appearance based sexual attraction. Roughly 25% of us arent visually stimulated last study I read about it. 

 

And there is zero way for me to know which way my sexual interest is gonna go since my desire is responsive. Until sex is in the moment, I won't know if it's a thing I want or a thing I have no interest in with the person. Which, I know people like me who have dumped a person for it not clicking after dating and getting there since sex is important to them. "Lack of chemistry" they call it. I never minded before, but think they may be on to something.. sex isn't that important to me but sexual compatibility is. If I ever have to date again, I wouldn't want to do sex as a chore again, I would want no sex or sex with someone I am attracted to that way  so it would be a thing I want. Which will be annoying since with responsive desire it's very hard to tell who I would want sexually and who I wouldn't. Luckily I am married so not a thing I need to worry about right now. 😛

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Sarah-Sylvia
5 hours ago, Serran said:

What gets me "in the mood" varies. Sometimes laying in bed with my wife can cause the idea of initiating to seem nice, sometimes I just enjoy laying there. Sometimes kissing can, sometimes the kiss is just nice. Sometimes teasing can, sometimes I just enjoy being teased. What matters is how serious my partner is about wanting me in the moment, if she isn't turned on and wanting then she could do basically nothing to get me there. If she is, then it's quite easy to get me to respond. It's more my desires respond to hers than my desire responds to any sort of activity. Like, if she is turned on I am. If she isn't, nothing she does will do it, even sticking her hands down there. And it's a sense to tell when she is, my body picks up on her signals even when she isn't initiating. 

 

As for sexual attraction, I would say I am sexually attracted to my wife. Because sexual attraction is the desire to connect sexually with her. Which I have, in a responsive way. I have been in five long term relationships in my life. In four, nothing the person could do would get me interested. And having sex was a chore done just for them. With my wife, I want it, I initiate it, I like it and I kinda miss it sometimes if we are apart. The difference between the two is I am sexually attracted to her and wasn't to the others, despite romantic feelings for them. 

 

If you are asking if I ever look at someone and go wanna bang you... no. If you're asking if I ever look at someone and get aroused, no. But it isn't that unusual for sexuals to not experience appearance based sexual attraction. Roughly 25% of us arent visually stimulated last study I read about it. 

 

And there is zero way for me to know which way my sexual interest is gonna go since my desire is responsive. Until sex is in the moment, I won't know if it's a thing I want or a thing I have no interest in with the person. Which, I know people like me who have dumped a person for it not clicking after dating and getting there since sex is important to them. "Lack of chemistry" they call it. I never minded before, but think they may be on to something.. sex isn't that important to me but sexual compatibility is. If I ever have to date again, I wouldn't want to do sex as a chore again, I would want no sex or sex with someone I am attracted to that way  so it would be a thing I want. Which will be annoying since with responsive desire it's very hard to tell who I would want sexually and who I wouldn't. Luckily I am married so not a thing I need to worry about right now. 😛

That's very good info, thank you.

So it sounds like your sexual attraction and sexual desire are separate then, and it takes you to be drawn into it (or in the mood) to have the desire and act on it.
I do wonder though, like you said that you know you're sexually attracted to her. So why wouldn't you know if you would or wouldn't want sex? If you know you're  attracted then you should know it's possible, right?

I do wonder what makes you sexually attracted to her. Is it from a long time of bonding? (like demisexuals) Or is it because you eventually did feel stimulated for sex and thought oh ok I am or can be sexually aroused with her.
(Sorry if I'm prying😅)

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Halffull

🤦‍♂️

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Serran
4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

That's very good info, thank you.

So it sounds like your sexual attraction and sexual desire are separate then, and it takes you to be drawn into it (or in the mood) to have the desire and act on it.
I do wonder though, like you said that you know you're sexually attracted to her. So why wouldn't you know if you would or wouldn't want sex? If you know you're  attracted then you should know it's possible, right?

It's kinda separate. Like, desire for me requires her to be desiring me... then it sparks mine and then it just becomes a feeding loop where we both get more into it by the other being into it. Kinda like say lighting a fire using a starter (my wife's desire is the starter) that won't light without one. Can throw as many matches as you want at it, without that starter, it ain't gonna light. Doesn't matter how attracted I am to her. However, to have desire at all I  need the attraction, with other people I don't have any desire for sex and I actively avoid doing it as much as possible.

 

 

4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I do wonder what makes you sexually attracted to her. Is it from a long time of bonding? (like demisexuals) Or is it because you eventually did feel stimulated for sex and thought oh ok I am or can be sexually aroused with her.
(Sorry if I'm prying😅)

 

I was with my one ex for ten years and never once desired sex, so it isn't long time. If I had to pinpoint the thing that causes me to be sexually attracted to my wife, it's probably... as odd as it sounds... the fact she isn't that into sex either. With others I've been with, making out or sitting on them or whatever ended up meaning sex. It didn't allow me to feel as close to them, because I wasn't allowed to just be affectionate like is natural to me without it being sexual. So, yeah, some weeks we might have sex every day cause we are both wanting each other... but then, we also can totally make out and tease and cuddle and even be naked around each other and no sex needed. Basically.. sexual compatibility makes me sexually attracted to her, without it, sex becomes a big stress that makes me become repulsed over time (by the end of the ten years with my ex, I was fantasizing about castrating him and dreading every touch cause it might lead to sex being asked of me). It's weird. But, yeah. I am pretty sure why I became sexually attracted to her was that it was safe to be sexually into her, it didn't become a big obligation to do it all the time and not have the other things I value (physical touch is a huge love language for me and I need some of it, quite a lot of it, to be non-sexual). 

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Halffull

And there's the hoover bed too 🙄

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, Serran said:

I was with my one ex for ten years and never once desired sex, so it isn't long time. If I had to pinpoint the thing that causes me to be sexually attracted to my wife, it's probably... as odd as it sounds... the fact she isn't that into sex either. With others I've been with, making out or sitting on them or whatever ended up meaning sex. It didn't allow me to feel as close to them, because I wasn't allowed to just be affectionate like is natural to me without it being sexual. So, yeah, some weeks we might have sex every day cause we are both wanting each other... but then, we also can totally make out and tease and cuddle and even be naked around each other and no sex needed. Basically.. sexual compatibility makes me sexually attracted to her, without it, sex becomes a big stress that makes me become repulsed over time (by the end of the ten years with my ex, I was fantasizing about castrating him and dreading every touch cause it might lead to sex being asked of me). It's weird. But, yeah. I am pretty sure why I became sexually attracted to her was that it was safe to be sexually into her, it didn't become a big obligation to do it all the time and not have the other things I value (physical touch is a huge love language for me and I need some of it, quite a lot of it, to be non-sexual). 

I see. It's still a tad hard to understand having sexual attraction without the desire, since usually it'd lead to it, but I guess that's the point of being 'responsive', it kind of lays dormant until it's sparked. (is how I understand it)

What you said is kinda why I'm thinking maybe I'd be best with someone else that's like me (demisexual and stuff). There's times I just might not be into sex at all. But I'm so very often into affection and sensuality. I think I'd need to be with someone who likes those two things as well.
I do think there's probably more to it than just lack of pressure, since yes it can be freeing but I would think by itself it isn't enough to spark, but I dont know.

I think in my case I'm probably both spontaneous as well as responsive. I'm not entirely sure though 😮

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Serran

Heh well yeah there is more to it - romantic attraction, being in love, etc all help I'm sure. But the key difference between my not into sex and into is that. 

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Halffull

All very complicated, just stick with donuts 👍

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Sarah-Sylvia

Well, how someone is is how they is :D
Sometimes people be complicated 😜

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