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gray-a girl

I don't understand sexual attraction?

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Anthracite_Impreza
23 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I'm not sexual, but I get crushes and aesthetic attraction fairly often, and they have nothing to do with the actual desiring of romance of even contact. Attraction is attraction, it's just a little nudge of "this one is a possibility, just sayin'". From what I understand, it's similar for sexuals. Sexuals know they want sex, the attraction they feel is just a little nudge towards someone. That attraction may well disappear if that being is a knob or incompatible in some way, and just cos they feel attraction it doesn't mean they're ready for sex. Trust and closeness are usually very important, for obvious reasons.

^^^

 

And they may call it sexual attraction because they may know they could be interested in sex, even if they aren't yet sure. A crush can be basically the same, but for romance.

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gray-a girl

This is all giving me a headache. I'm going to see if I can ask some sexuals, especially sexuals that have responsive desire, what they experience as sexual attraction. I feel like that should resolve my confusion, what they say.

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Sarah-Sylvia
Just now, gray-a girl said:

This is all giving me a headache. I'm going to see if I can ask some sexuals, especially sexuals that have responsive desire, what they experience as sexual attraction. I feel like that should resolve my confusion, what they say.


What do you have trouble with? I saw your first post but I'm not sure what you're trying to understand. Most people don't think about if they have responsive desire or otherwise. It really depends on the person too. For responsive desire, .. have you ever not been sure about wanting to go swim in a pool, but once you're in it you're like ahh this feels good. Actually getting closer to sexuality stimulates the good feelings around it, whether it's sensuality of some kind, or something else that helps get in the mood.

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Nowhere Girl
1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:

It just doesn't make sense to me that women with responsive desire would ever want to date anyone. If desire is the same as sexual attraction why do so many women feel "attracted" to a guy? I can only conclude that sexual attraction is something else?

After all, sexual attraction is only one kind of attraction. They may date because of other factors, such as romantic attraction. Sex is not the only goal of dating!!

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Serran
19 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

This is all giving me a headache. I'm going to see if I can ask some sexuals, especially sexuals that have responsive desire, what they experience as sexual attraction. I feel like that should resolve my confusion, what they say.

For me it's sometimes (when in mood, not all the time) my wife being flirty with me can lead to the idea of initiating our version of sex (toys, hands, kinky) to seem nice. Otherwise, don't much think about it. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
23 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

After all, sexual attraction is only one kind of attraction. They may date because of other factors, such as romantic attraction. Sex is not the only goal of dating!!

It's been mentioned before in the thread, so I wonder if gray-a girl doesn't realize how 'regular' people are. I don't see anyone saying they're 'only' sexually attracted to someone (well, it does happen, but most people, especially women, want more than just that). And also, women tend to have more romantic attraction than men, just like men can have more of the sexual. A woman who is responsively sexual will often have more of other types of attraction. Men are typically the ones that'll look at photos and feel like they'd like to have sex just from that. But that's just generalizing, since everyone's different.

Anyway, it's something that can be understood easily enough, but I feel like there's more going on here than just someone wanting to understand.

And I can say, sexual attraction can make you feel like wanting sex with that person, the idea feels really good when the attraction is there. Men tend to be more physical so they want to act on it, while women have it more in their mind so they can need a bit more stimulation to feel it physically. Again, generalizations, but I don't think it's too hard to understand.

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MichaelTannock

@Sarah-Sylvia I believe what's going on is that @gray-a girl wants a description of physical sensations, and so is rejecting other kinds of descriptions.

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Serran
4 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Sarah-Sylvia I believe what's going on is that @gray-a girl wants a description of physical sensations, and so is rejecting other kinds of descriptions.

But emotional stimuli causes different physical sensations depending on who is feeling them. Fear can cause arousal in some, crying in others and physical aggression in yet others.

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MichaelTannock
1 minute ago, Serran said:

But emotional stimuli causes different physical sensations depending on who is feeling them. Fear can cause arousal in some, crying in others and physical aggression in yet others.

I think that's why they're confused.

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Sarah-Sylvia
32 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@Sarah-Sylvia I believe what's going on is that @gray-a girl wants a description of a physical sensations, and so is rejecting other kinds of descriptions.


I'm not sure it's just that, because she has a lot of assumptions about sexual people, as if they only feel or listen to sexual attraction when they want to date someone.
I do think that because in society we talk about sexual orientation, and conflate sexuality with other/general attractions, that for a lot they are mixed. It can explain why it's hard to understand sexual attraction by itself, since most people experience them together.

In example, it can be aesthetic attraction + sensual attraction + sexual attraction. (and romantic attraction for some, especially more women). So maybe that can explain why it feels good. The desire for sex can contain more in it, just like sex can be an act of love. It doesn't have to be, but there's more that can be projected on a person or in the act subconsciously than just seeing it as rubbing nerve endings together. Hope that makes sense 😜

As for those that 'just' want sex (especially men), I still consider that more is projected on the other person's body, including aesthetically, but beyond too, and the desire to act sexually feels good (well, especially fulfilling it). It becomes more than just touch, it's like more is put into what that touch means, physically, and it just feels good. Like when you're really hungry and eating feels so good, your body just knows how to make it feel good for what it's getting, for what it wanted. (and likewise, someone trying to eat when they're not hungry at all can feel like just stuffing food down their mouth, lol)

Hope that helps understand it a little bit more. :)

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MichaelTannock

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "Romantic and Aromantic Orientations".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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MichaelTannock

I just realised, much later than I should have, that this thread is more suited to a forum specifically about discussing different types of attraction. Sorry about that.
 
I'll now tag those who have commented, just so they're aware of the move: @appleseedy @banana monkey @Memento1 @Anthracite_Impreza @Serran @Sarah-Sylvia

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gray-a girl
1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:


What do you have trouble with? I saw your first post but I'm not sure what you're trying to understand. Most people don't think about if they have responsive desire or otherwise. It really depends on the person too. For responsive desire, .. have you ever not been sure about wanting to go swim in a pool, but once you're in it you're like ahh this feels good. Actually getting closer to sexuality stimulates the good feelings around it, whether it's sensuality of some kind, or something else that helps get in the mood.

Just understanding sexual attraction and what that feels like. Sexual people feel sexual attraction.... thats pretty much the definition. Yet 30% of women don't feel the desire to have sex unless they are cuddled or kissed. To me that seems like a contradiction, unless sexual attraction is different from the desire to have sex. Because a woman would never get kissed or cuddled if she didn't have some innate sexual attraction to the person to do those things in the first place. However, desire for sex...that is how AVEN is describing it. Even the way I conceived of sexual attraction doesn't make sense in this context... arousal as sexual attraction...because arosual is basically the desire to have sex. So the whole thing makes no sense to me, unless sexual attraction is something different.

 

 

38 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's been mentioned before in the thread, so I wonder if gray-a girl doesn't realize how 'regular' people are. I don't see anyone saying they're 'only' sexually attracted to someone (well, it does happen, but most people, especially women, want more than just that). And also, women tend to have more romantic attraction than men, just like men can have more of the sexual. A woman who is responsively sexual will often have more of other types of attraction. Men are typically the ones that'll look at photos and feel like they'd like to have sex just from that. But that's just generalizing, since everyone's different.

Anyway, it's something that can be understood easily enough, but I feel like there's more going on here than just someone wanting to understand.

And I can say, sexual attraction can make you feel like wanting sex with that person, the idea feels really good when the attraction is there. Men tend to be more physical so they want to act on it, while women have it more in their mind so they can need a bit more stimulation to feel it physically. Again, generalizations, but I don't think it's too hard to understand.

I think thats the point... I don't realize how regular people are. 

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MichaelTannock
5 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

arosual is basically the desire to have sex.

This is likely what's tripping you up.

 

A desire is something that you want, but someone can be aroused, and not even be willing to have sex, let alone want it.

It makes more sense then to view arousal as a physical response rather than a desire.

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gray-a girl

I'm also just really frustrated because, now I'm wondering why is it that I generally feel kind of...not interested in people... if they do kink sure, then its fun. But I don't think being into bondage, for example, has anything to do with any type of attraction for a person.

If a person isn't engaging in kink, it feels... not interesting. Not interested in the relationship, not interested in sexual activity.... so tired of people expecting me to be into that stuff. Even kinky people, or supposedly kinky people, seem to expect me to be a certain way and be interested or turned on by certain things. I just went on a date last week with a guy that was supposedly kinky, though we didn't do any kink. I was not motivated to have sex with him, even after him cuddling and touching me.... even while we were doing sexual stuff, I was not that motivated to do sexual stuff with him. I also was not interested in him emotionally... he was relating to me like a vanilla boyfriend would. And he is supposed to be kinky. So, even kinky people have an interest in this something, that I am not interested in. But you know, what is it that I'm lacking? Is it aromanticism? Asexualism? Both? I don't know. I just know I'm not like other people. I find it hard to define, and it's driving me crazy. I like everything defined, in neat little boxes, and I can't define these things well.

It also bothers me immensly that, according to many people's definition, I would not fit anything and I'm just sexual. Except, I'm really not. It's frustrating.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Haven't you ever fancied a food without being hungry? I liken it to that.

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gray-a girl
1 minute ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Haven't you ever fancied a food without being hungry? I liken it to that.

You mean sexual attraction is like that?

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 minute ago, gray-a girl said:

Just understanding sexual attraction and what that feels like. Sexual people feel sexual attraction.... thats pretty much the definition. Yet 30% of women don't feel the desire to have sex unless they are cuddled or kissed. To me that seems like a contradiction, unless sexual attraction is different from the desire to have sex. Because a woman would never get kissed or cuddled if she didn't have some innate sexual attraction to the person to do those things in the first place. However, desire for sex...that is how AVEN is describing it. Even the way I conceived of sexual attraction doesn't make sense in this context... arousal as sexual attraction...because arosual is basically the desire to have sex. So the whole thing makes no sense to me, unless sexual attraction is something different.

 

 

I think thats the point... I don't realize how regular people are. 


Well I wrote a lot to explain it in that last post, so let me know if there's something in there that you still don't understand :)

As for the 'contradiction', it's not, and you're right in those cases the sexual attraction would be different from the desire to 'actually' have sex with the person right then and there. Attraction doesn't mean you want the sex in real life. Attraction is emotional, and just like it can lead to fantasizing, it doesn't necessarily mean that someone is willing to put aside everything else happening, or how the person is besides the attraction (plenty of people do though, but maybe not that 30% of women).

And like I said, those women typically feel the other attractions more than just the 'responsive' desire. It bridges into other attraction. I think it's been said a few times now. Also, for those that would 'only' have sexual attraction (which would be rare in that 30%), if I can use the food example again, you can think in your head oo that would be good to eat when you see food on tv, but you might need to actually smell the food to really get into actually eating it, not just feeling 'some' of the attraction. It can be or even taste different than what was felt.

 

A woman could want to be cuddled or kissed because that's not sexual. Sensual attraction and more can be part of it. I think wanting to cuddle with someone is easy, since cuddling is great :) Try to understand, sexual attraction is not the only one at play.
Arousal isn't the same thing as wanting sex. You can feel aroused without wanting to act on it, or not even have someone to do it with. It can lead to wanting it though, since it can be compelling. Lots of people on this site have felt arousal but not attracted to someone in a way to have sex.
Someone who's strictly responsive in desiring sex could be considered a little in the gray area (like gray-sexual), since it takes that condition. And yeah more women tend to be like that than men.

I feel like there's a lot of stuff posted to look at now. Just remember not to get caught up too much in your own thoughts on it. See how you can understand it differently.

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Serran
39 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Just understanding sexual attraction and what that feels like. Sexual people feel sexual attraction.... thats pretty much the definition. Yet 30% of women don't feel the desire to have sex unless they are cuddled or kissed. To me that seems like a contradiction, unless sexual attraction is different from the desire to have sex. Because a woman would never get kissed or cuddled if she didn't have some innate sexual attraction to the person to do those things in the first place. 

Again... cuddling and kissing has nothing to do with sexual anything. That's romantic or sensual. I enjoyed cuddling and kissing my exes I had no interest in sex with. Asexuals can enjoy cuddling and kissing. Sexual attraction not required. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
6 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

You mean sexual attraction is like that?

I don't know, I'm ace, but extrapolating from romantic and sensual attraction, it's the metaphor I would use. It's entirely possible to feel attraction without any actual desire to act on it unless you start getting involved. I always knew I was attracted to cars, but until I met my Citroen I had no idea I was even romantic, let alone interested in a romantic relationship.

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Sithgroundhog
43 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Yet 30% of women don't feel the desire to have sex unless they are cuddled or kissed. To me that seems like a contradiction, unless sexual attraction is different from the desire to have sex. Because a woman would never get kissed or cuddled if she didn't have some innate sexual attraction to the person to do those things in the first place.

Wanting to cuddle and kiss is sensual attraction. I don't need to want to bang my partner just because I want to cuddle him. They can also be seen as romantic, though not always. Kissing is more romantic than cuddling, at least in our society. 

But they can get closer and closer to what's considered sexual. French kissing, heavy petting. You'll find many asexuals and sexuals disagreeing where the line is because it's different for everyone. 

 

Also, what makes a person on Tinder look at a person and go "Damn, he's hot" would be aesthetic attraction, possibly mixed with sexual attraction. Not many women experience this, though they may see someone aesthetically appealing and be thinking about sex as a possibility and evaluating him based on it. 

 

I've talked to sexual people about it. Not many of them have need for our split attraction models. Not everyone experiences them separately. So if a girl goes "Damn, he's hot" and you ask her which attraction she's feeling, chances are she'll be very confused. So while asking sexuals is useful, you also have to clearly define all of the different forms of attraction a lot of the time to not get a bunch of useless data. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, gray-a girl said:

I'm also just really frustrated because, now I'm wondering why is it that I generally feel kind of...not interested in people... if they do kink sure, then its fun. But I don't think being into bondage, for example, has anything to do with any type of attraction for a person.

If a person isn't engaging in kink, it feels... not interesting. Not interested in the relationship, not interested in sexual activity.... so tired of people expecting me to be into that stuff. Even kinky people, or supposedly kinky people, seem to expect me to be a certain way and be interested or turned on by certain things. I just went on a date last week with a guy that was supposedly kinky, though we didn't do any kink. I was not motivated to have sex with him, even after him cuddling and touching me.... even while we were doing sexual stuff, I was not that motivated to do sexual stuff with him. I also was not interested in him emotionally... he was relating to me like a vanilla boyfriend would. And he is supposed to be kinky. So, even kinky people have an interest in this something, that I am not interested in. But you know, what is it that I'm lacking? Is it aromanticism? Asexualism? Both? I don't know. I just know I'm not like other people. I find it hard to define, and it's driving me crazy. I like everything defined, in neat little boxes, and I can't define these things well.

It also bothers me immensly that, according to many people's definition, I would not fit anything and I'm just sexual. Except, I'm really not. It's frustrating.


See here we see there's more going on with you. I've met a few people now that are distressed about not having a label, and it's unfortunate because it really is ok to just be who you are, how you are, without needing to define yourself with them.  If you can relax and know it's ok, it'll be easier to then understand tthings and see what best fits you. It really is ok.

That said, it sounds like you're maybe asexual and aromantic. There might be more to you, but for now you can look at them as possible labels.

Some other asexuals have kinks, and and even sexual desires, but they don't feel attracted sexually to people. And that's what it sounds like your case. And since you're not really interested in people (and I would guess that includes getting closer to them romantically), then that would make you aromantic. You're not really 'sexual' per se, you just have a sexual kink. Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction with people, (well, in general.)
So there you go. Although depending on your disconnect with people, there might be more going on than just orientation. But that's for another time maybe :P
 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Sexual person here (so a little more qualified than many of the people responding, just because I have felt it haha)

 

Sexual attraction is a draw to have sex with someone else (out of a desire for pleasure).

 

All kinds of things can trigger it, from appearance to love to a mere inability to be fully satisfied from solo masturbation.

 

That's the best and most concise way to sum up the entirety of sexual attraction as sexual people experience it.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
11 hours ago, gray-a girl said:

according to many people's definition, I would not fit anything and I'm just sexual. Except, I'm really not. It's frustrating.

Well neither would I be sexual, by the way some define it. But I'm just a minority type of sexual, not an asexual.

 

Based on some of your other threads (about seeking sex with people and dumping them if they can't satisfy you sexually) I'm a LOT less sexual(behavior-wise) than you... I'm like hard ace compared to that. But actually, I'm not ace. Because I can potentially enjoy some partnered sexual acts enough to actively desire them, under specific circumstances (even though I'd be 100% happy to never have sex again and don't seek it out or anything).

 

So yeah, if someone desires sex with others for pleasure (as is also outlined in the AVEN FAQ) that's sexual attraction. Regardless of whatever it is that triggers that desire.

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Knight of Cydonia
On 12/3/2019 at 12:48 PM, gray-a girl said:

What I don't understand is, what is sexual attraction? Specifically, what are people referring to when they say "I have chemistry with him".

The AVEN FAQ defines sexual attraction as the "Desire to have sexual contact with someone else or to share our sexuality with them."

 

When you "have chemistry" with someone else, you feel like you have a special connections - like you just "click" with someone, have a mutual bond, and you feel that you want to see that other person again. When someone says they have chemistry with someone, they usually mean it in a romantic sense or a sexual sense (or both). But it could also be in a team-oriented sense ("we work really well together!"), or more emotional sense ("we really understand each other"), or even creatively or intellectually.

 

This "chemistry" explanation may be unsatisfying and vague, but it turns out it's very difficult to put complex human emotions into words. The main takeaway is that it is not always sexual in nature. Also, not everyone feels chemistry (even among sexual people).

 

Quote

Also, why do people look at photos of people on popular dating sites, and immediately decide that they are or are not attracted to the person? Often based solely on that? 

That would be aesthetic attraction - attraction to someone's appearance. Again, it's not necessarily romantic or sexual in nature. The same way you can appreciate a painting or a beautiful sunset, you can appreciate that someone looks good to you. Some people put a high importance on enjoying someone's appearance as a way to decide who to date; others don't care as much about appearance.

 

While some people may be sexually attracted to someone because of their appearance, sexual attraction is not generally based on appearance. It is definitely a misconception to say otherwise. To re-iterate: most people want sex for reasons that aren't "this person looks good".

 

Quote

Why would how a person looks even matter, if they need to be cuddled first before being attracted to them? If many women only experience a desire to have sex with someone because of responsive desire, then why does any woman want to have sex with anyone in the first place? Before a woman knows that she will get turned on by responsive desire, why does she bother dating? There must be some kind of initial...something... that makes a person want to date another person? Before I found kink, I didn't feel a need to date at all. So I am trying to imagine how vanilla people, the reasons they want to date someone and find them sexually attractive. If it's not arousal, I don't know what it is.

 

And why do people choose one person over another? I remember being asked as a kid who I was attracted to. How is that even possible to answer that if you've never been "cuddled" or whatever by that person? According to the above thread? So confusing. If what is above is true, I'd expect most women wouldn't bother to try dating in the first place. But that doesn't happen.

 

As for me, I'm trying to think of a time when I was turned on just by touching. Usually doesn't happen... except for the few times (since I'm technically gray a) when the person aroused me in general. But, that hasn't happened in awhile and that usually doesn't happen. I don't understand how touching or candlelight dinners would make someone want to have sex. Just the other I was trying to date, the guy seemed like an awesome person....he starts feeling me up... and I'm like... ok....so apparently thats supposed to get women in the mood? Why?

Yeah, I don't understand sexual attraction. None of it makes sense to me. It seems, from what I have observed of other people, that a person can just look at someone and know if they are sexually attracted to them. Some people need to know them as a person (which I don't understand how that creates sexual attraction either), but most seem to be able to look at them. I've observed this, with people, irl. Other women. So I know people do it. So, I don't understand what they are feeling that makes them want to date that person.

 

The only thing I can think of is that, these women (in the article mentioned in that thread) are only feeling responsive desire after the relationship gets boring? But why would they bother dating the person in the first place if they have no sexual interest in them?

This is so confusing. It's making me think there is this unknown something that is making people want to date other specific people.

First, wanting to date or cuddle does not equate to wanting to have sex. Wanting to cuddle can be classified as "sensual" attraction - similarly, affectionate touches, hugs, etc, that are not sexual in nature. Some purely platonic friends even like cuddling or holding hands. To them it just feels nice and comfortable. No romantic or sexual desires required.

 

Meanwhile, people can choose to start dating someone else for multiple reasons. The bottom line is that existing sexual desire (or romantic) isn't necessary for someone to choose to try dating someone else. (Though, one or both is usually necessary for that dating to turn into a successful relationship.)

 

Some people have no one in mind and haven't felt any desire to be with someone speciic - but they might try dating (e.g. through blind dates, or dating sites) simply for the possibility it could turn into something more. Others might start out as friends and have a desire to be closer (romantically and/or sexually) develop naturally over time - so they might choose to date to see if it could work out and if that friendship can turn into something more.

 

Some people might try dating to find someone compatible with them in specific areas. You mentioned having a specific kink - trying to find someone that shares that kink could be a reason you date.

 

People might want to date because they want to find a life-long partner, while others might only date want to casually - not looking for a life-long partner and the expectations that come with that, but still wanting a partner for physical and/or emotional closeness.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
17 minutes ago, Knight of Cydonia said:

That would be aesthetic attraction - attraction to someone's appearance. Again, it's not necessarily romantic or sexual in nature. The same way you can appreciate a painting or a beautiful sunset, you can appreciate that someone looks good to you. Some people put a high importance on enjoying someone's appearance as a way to decide who to date; others don't care as much about appearance.

 

While some people may be sexually attracted to someone because of their appearance, sexual attraction is not generally based on appearance. It is definitely a misconception to say otherwise. To re-iterate: most people want sex for reasons that aren't "this person looks good".

 

 


You have good explanations, but actually a lot of people's sexual attraction (especially men) is based on appearance. Like being 'hot'. When I was sexual, it was highly based on appearance. There can be more to it, but there's a reason why make up and more is so popular to attract. It also depends on how visual someone is. I'm very visual, so it carries more meaning. Beautiful soft skin can be appealing too, as well as the shape of someone's figure. Those mostly apply to women though. That part for me has changed into sensual attraction. I don't really get attracted to want sex just like that anymore.

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Zagadka

Appearance is important - especially to men, it seems - but there is another layer of needing touch that is pretty vital in sexual attraction.

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Knight of Cydonia
39 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:


You have good explanations, but actually a lot of people's sexual attraction (especially men) is based on appearance. Like being 'hot'. When I was sexual, it was highly based on appearance. There can be more to it, but there's a reason why make up and more is so popular to attract. It also depends on how visual someone is. I'm very visual, so it carries more meaning. Beautiful soft skin can be appealing too, as well as the shape of someone's figure. Those mostly apply to women though. That part for me has changed into sensual attraction. I don't really get attracted to want sex just like that anymore.

My wording was due to an abundance of caution given that a common misconception on this website specifically is that sexuals have sex just because they find the other person hot. (The AVEN FAQ even specifically states that sexual attraction does not need to be based on appearance).

 

I should probably have just said it is not the only reason why people intrinsically desire sex, and isn't a necessity for it to count as sexual attraction. Examples of other reasons include physical reasons (of which physical desirability is only one example - others being tension relief, physical pleasure, and experience-seeking) and emotional reasons (love, committment, emotional intimacy).

 

 

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gray-a girl
23 hours ago, Serran said:

Again... cuddling and kissing has nothing to do with sexual anything. That's romantic or sensual. I enjoyed cuddling and kissing my exes I had no interest in sex with. Asexuals can enjoy cuddling and kissing. Sexual attraction not required. 

Many people have mentioned this. However, I brought up the cuddling and kissing thing, because the article that I read on responsive desire, says that women (and I don't think they meant asexual women) will often want to have sex as a response to things like cuddling, kissing, etc. So according to that article, it sounds like for someone who has sexual attraction, these things DO make a person want to have sex. In the article, they are also mixing sensual desire with sexual desire (as the same thing) rather than defining it as something separate like on AVEN. I am linking the article here: https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/the-misunderstood-science-of-sexual-desire.html

 

Also another article talked about responsive desire vs spontaneous desire. 30% of women have responsive desire only, which means 70% of women have either a mix of responsive and spontaneous desire, or just spontaneous desire (according to the article). So it would seem that a majority of women really are getting just turned on by people and wanting to have sex with them. Here is the article: https://lifehacker.com/the-difference-between-spontaneous-and-responsive-desir-1828754371

 

 

 

17 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Well neither would I be sexual, by the way some define it. But I'm just a minority type of sexual, not an asexual.

 

Based on some of your other threads (about seeking sex with people and dumping them if they can't satisfy you sexually) I'm a LOT less sexual(behavior-wise) than you... I'm like hard ace compared to that. But actually, I'm not ace. Because I can potentially enjoy some partnered sexual acts enough to actively desire them, under specific circumstances (even though I'd be 100% happy to never have sex again and don't seek it out or anything).

 

So yeah, if someone desires sex with others for pleasure (as is also outlined in the AVEN FAQ) that's sexual attraction. Regardless of whatever it is that triggers that desire.

 

Hmmm, I'm not dumping the guys because they can't satisfy me sexually. They are dumping me, and I suspect its because I either told them I'm asexual, or they can tell I have a low libido, or that I'm not reacting the way they expect sexually, or all of the above. I was willing to keep going and see if we could make stuff work.

 

 

21 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:


See here we see there's more going on with you. I've met a few people now that are distressed about not having a label, and it's unfortunate because it really is ok to just be who you are, how you are, without needing to define yourself with them.  If you can relax and know it's ok, it'll be easier to then understand tthings and see what best fits you. It really is ok.

That said, it sounds like you're maybe asexual and aromantic. There might be more to you, but for now you can look at them as possible labels.

Some other asexuals have kinks, and and even sexual desires, but they don't feel attracted sexually to people. And that's what it sounds like your case. And since you're not really interested in people (and I would guess that includes getting closer to them romantically), then that would make you aromantic. You're not really 'sexual' per se, you just have a sexual kink. Asexuality is about a lack of sexual attraction with people, (well, in general.)
So there you go. Although depending on your disconnect with people, there might be more going on than just orientation. But that's for another time maybe :P
 

I think, asexual is a good fit... I'm not sure about the aromantic bit though, because I had fallen in love and I want to fall in love again. But it did take me an extremely long time... maybe a year or two (probably more like two)....to fall in love...even though we lived together for about one of those years. And even after I fell in love, I still didn't want to kiss him on the lips. Someone suggested demi-romantic, and I guess its something I have to think about. That might fit...

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Sarah-Sylvia
49 minutes ago, gray-a girl said:

Many people have mentioned this. However, I brought up the cuddling and kissing thing, because the article that I read on responsive desire, says that women (and I don't think they meant asexual women) will often want to have sex as a response to things like cuddling, kissing, etc. So according to that article, it sounds like for someone who has sexual attraction, these things DO make a person want to have sex. In the article, they are also mixing sensual desire with sexual desire (as the same thing) rather than defining it as something separate like on AVEN. I am linking the article here: https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/the-misunderstood-science-of-sexual-desire.html

[...]

I think, asexual is a good fit... I'm not sure about the aromantic bit though, because I had fallen in love and I want to fall in love again. But it did take me an extremely long time... maybe a year or two (probably more like two)....to fall in love...even though we lived together for about one of those years. And even after I fell in love, I still didn't want to kiss him on the lips. Someone suggested demi-romantic, and I guess its something I have to think about. That might fit...

That could fit then (demi-romantic)

As for cuddling and kissing, yes they can arouse someone sexually, but they have to have a little bit of sexual attraction or desire to get in the mood at least.
Cuddling can be friendly, but it can also be sensual. It's not sexual of itself, but  sensuality can remind of sex. Even romance can remind of sex, if the person has connected those two things. And sex can be romantic too, so long as the right feelings are there.


As for kissing, besides able to be an expression of love (romantic), it's sensual and can be sexual, so it can arouse someone who has at least a bit of sexual feeling in them. I don't really like kisses with tongue, because I don't know how to make it feel romantic, just like how intense thrusts in sex aren't very romantic. For me it has to be soft and tender to feel romantic. It's not going to be like that for everyone, but I think it's easy to see why it can be like that.

 

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