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lonelyace

Alterous v romantic attraction

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lonelyace

Are there any alloromantic folks out there who also experience alterous attraction? Can someone please tell me what the difference is?

 

I would like to request that people don’t use this thread to debate whether or not alterous attraction is a real thing. Trust me, I question that enough already, but I really don’t think that debating it’s reality will be productive to the conversation that I hope will be had here. If you want to debate the reality of alterous attraction, I would respectfully request that you do it in a different thread. Thanks. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Probably. There's all kinds of people around, sometimes you just want to be quasi-friends with someone and feel some type of closeness, without going into romance or a full friendship. Don't know if it's common for someone romantic... I could see it though.
But someone alloromantic means they're into romantic relationships (and feeling that attraction, I guess), so they/we would definitely be looking for a full on romance  with someone we do connect to on that level.

It's kind of an odd question, because they're kind of opposed if you're talking about within the same relationship. Someone romantic will want romance, not something alterous, not with the same person. I suppose they could feel differently about them at some times rather than others.
Might be worth explaining why you're asking the question? Just wondering.

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lonelyace
7 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's kind of an odd question, because they're kind of opposed if you're talking about within the same relationship. Someone romantic will want romance, not something alterous, not with the same person. 

I mean feeling alterously for one person and romantically for a different person. To understand what makes them different. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
8 minutes ago, lonelyace said:

I mean feeling alterously for one person and romantically for a different person. To understand what makes them different. 

Yeah. Then like I was saying, you could want a romantic relationship with one person, in which case you'd want to connect much deeper, emotionally with love, and want to be with them more, and share affection.
While with feeling alterous, I think it'd be a lighter bond where you can still share emotionally, but you wouldn't want to be with them as much or as deep. And probably wouldn't want to share affection (maybe a little? not sure), like romantic relationships. Someone romantic would still want to seek out a romantic relationship somewhere though.

That's just my understanding though, I haven't really delved too deep for what alterous connections can be like. Sometimes we can want those relationships though, since they feel lighter and like there's less attachment. Hope that makes sense.

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banana monkey
48 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

be quasi-friends 

can you explain that term more? do you mean more than friends? 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

How is alterous attraction different from romantic attraction? I'm (very) romantic, but don't know the difference between the terms? :o (edit: I'm only asking so I can tell you if I feel it or not, not to try to debate!)

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banana monkey
9 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

How is alterous attraction different from romantic attraction? 

I think that is what the OP was trying to determine? I think they are asking someone who experiences both so they can understand the difference. 

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lonelyace
21 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

I think that is what the OP was trying to determine? I think they are asking someone who experiences both so they can understand the difference. 

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding me, I confuse even myself sometimes. 

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Iam9man

I experience alterous attraction. The way I describe it is “I would date the person, but I would not feel like doing stereotypically romantic stuff” (staring into their eyes for hours, buying them flowers, etc). For context, I experience romantic attraction very intensely so definitely would do romantic stuff with someone I had a crush on.

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lonelyace
15 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I experience alterous attraction. The way I describe it is “I would date the person, but I would not feel like doing stereotypically romantic stuff” (staring into their eyes for hours, buying them flowers, etc). For context, I experience romantic attraction very intensely so definitely would do romantic stuff with someone I had a crush on.

Do you feel like the alterous attraction is less intense than the romantic attraction?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, banana monkey said:

I think that is what the OP was trying to determine? I think they are asking someone who experiences both so they can understand the difference. 

 

57 minutes ago, lonelyace said:

Yes exactly. Thank you for understanding me, I confuse even myself sometimes. 

No (sigh) I was trying to ask what it is so I can tell you if I experience it Y_Y Am I just meant to know what this is the first time I've ever heard of it??? I could be experiencing it every day but won't know unless someone explains the definition.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 hour ago, banana monkey said:

can you explain that term more? do you mean more than friends? 


Ok, well alterous is considered inbetween platonic (or friends) and romantic. So from the standpoint of someone romantic, they would feel a bit more like a friend than a romantic partner, but not 'just' a friend. (would be a bit closer)

 

On the flip side, if you aren't romantic, you would feel that the person you have alterous attraction for could be closer than 'just' a friend, and you connect to them emotionally and can even really like them and being with them, but there'd be a limit at some point that you wouldn't feel comfortable going in, maybe you don't want to caress them, because that's too affectionate and romantic feeling. Different people will feel differently about what counts as romantic. Just like friends can hold hands, but some people might feel it's too close and would be romantic.


Considering that I like to get close to people, and connect with them, I'd be able to have alterous relationships as well as romantic, because sometimes you just don't feel as strongly about someone as you do with someone else. For me I'd be ok holding hands and even caressing a friend, though I would probably say that I have alterous attraction to them if I do that, since I don't touch all my friends, haha. If I feel romantic towards them then I would want to get even closer to them, care deeper about them, kiss them and show them higher realms of love as well. ❤️ :)

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
5 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:


Ok, well alterous is considered inbetween platonic (or friends) and romantic. So from the standpoint of someone romantic, they would feel a bit more like a friend than a romantic partner, but not 'just' a friend. (would be a bit closer)

 

On the flip side, if you aren't romantic, you would feel that the person you have alterous attraction for could be closer than 'just' a friend, and you connect to them emotionally and can even really like them and being with them, but there'd be a limit at some point that you wouldn't feel comfortable going in, maybe you don't want to caress them, because that's too affectionate and romantic feeling. Different people will feel differently about what counts as romantic. Just like friends can hold hands, but some people might feel it's too close and would be romantic.


Considering that I like to get close to people, and connect with them, I'd be able to have alterous relationships as well as romantic, because sometimes you just don't feel as strongly about someone as you do with someone else. For me I'd be ok holding hands and even caressing a friend, though I would probably say that I have alterous attraction to them if I do that, since I don't touch all my friends, haha. If I feel romantic towards them then I would want to get even closer to them, care deeper about them, kiss them and show them higher realms of love as well. ❤️ :)

So what about someone who experiences strong romantic attraction but doesn't want relationships as a result? I do sometimes maybe want to be friends (like best friends but without romance) with the people I am crushing on romantically.. But yeah I don't really desire romantic relationships (or closeness) as a result of my romantic attraction for the most part. 

 

My attraction is very romantic, but the actions you want as a result f your feelings don't indicate whether you're romantic or not :o

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Sarah-Sylvia
2 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

So what about someone who experiences strong romantic attraction but doesn't want relationships as a result? I do sometimes maybe want to be friends (like best friends but without romance) with the people I am crushing on romantically.. But yeah I don't really desire romantic relationships (or closeness) as a result of my romantic attraction for the most part. 

 

My attraction is very romantic, but the actions you want as a result f your feelings don't indicate whether you're romantic or not :o

Ahh that's interesting, I haven't really thought about that possibility, because I'm very romantic and want romantic relationships as a result of it. You could say we're on the opposite sides of how we treat our more intimate relationships. Do you even care to have intimacy with someone you're romantically attracted to? Intimacy can be a bit broad though, but I guess I'm asking how much or deep you like to have a deeper and meaningful or connected relationship with someone.

Funnily enough, my attraction to women starts aesthetically if it's physical for me, and I also have sensual attraction based on that, but I can be romantically attracted to lots of people, even if I do have some types that I might like, in example someone I'm partly physically attracted to and I'm emotionally attracted to, that makes me very romantically attracted to them, and my sensuality takes on a lot more affection, as it's easier for me to love in those conditions. And I like to love :D
Someone's personality can be very meaningful, but also how they connect with you. I love to connect and know someone, and share in their heart. I know, I can actually fall in love with someone pretty easily if I really like them. If they show me they can like me back, I feel so happy. Unfortunately it hasn't happened in a while because I haven't met people I really like, and other reasons..

Don't know how much of that is interesting, but it's still coming from someone romantic :P

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Iam9man
9 hours ago, lonelyace said:

Do you feel like the alterous attraction is less intense than the romantic attraction?

I’d say so, yes. Whilst I’d want to spend time with the person etc there’s none of the extreme heat and giddiness I can get with romantic crushes.

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henshin
On 12/3/2019 at 9:04 PM, Iam9man said:

I experience alterous attraction. The way I describe it is “I would date the person, but I would not feel like doing stereotypically romantic stuff” (staring into their eyes for hours, buying them flowers, etc). For context, I experience romantic attraction very intensely so definitely would do romantic stuff with someone I had a crush on.

This is hilarious. Romance isn't about flowers and eye-staring! It's about caring for someone and doing things to make them happy and enjoying looking at their face. I mean what do you do on a date, refuse to look them in the eye and talk strictly weather?

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Iam9man
7 hours ago, henshin said:

This is hilarious. Romance isn't about flowers and eye-staring! It's about caring for someone and doing things to make them happy and enjoying looking at their face. I mean what do you do on a date, refuse to look them in the eye and talk strictly weather?

No probs 😊 Happy to share my experiences. Glad it helped 🐧👍

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banana monkey
22 hours ago, henshin said:

This is hilarious. Romance isn't about flowers and eye-staring! It's about caring for someone and doing things to make them happy and enjoying looking at their face. I mean what do you do on a date, refuse to look them in the eye and talk strictly weather?

This is an example of how we all experience things differently. I never look someone in the eye the first time I meet them and if I am nervous or having to think about what I am talking about its worse and then I definitely wont. I have a sensory processing disorder which prevents me from looking at someone and thinking about something at the same time. I will only be able to look at you if I know you really well and feel really comfortable around you or if I realise I am not looking and then try really hard to look (but its uncomfortable and I cant do it for more than a second and I can very very rarely look at the same time as when I am talking if I have never met before). 

 

That said, I'm most likely demiromantic so I guess it wouldnt as much unless i'm really nervous or have to really think about what i am saying. 

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