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Probing corners of what it means to be an 'Older Asexual'


T_Hinker

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I have only been here a month but from the time I saw the front page and a few welcome posts I felt a lifetime of jigsaw pieces 'click' into place. I spent 2 weeks in MAJOR depression. I am well familiar with this and wait it out. Now I find relief in that I am not just a nut who has believed for 50 years that everybody else is just a bunch of bleeding hearts crowing about nothing.

The Serious Depression has abated and replaced with a 'temporary'? euphoria. I am now 'relieved' that I don't have to struggle with why my attempts at dating don't work. I am Relieved that any 'desperation' because of age is now gone. I now realize that some of the things that I thought I was doing for the purpose of 'gittin hitched' are now out the window. I now get to the gritty of why I do some of the things I do and whether I should 'give myself 'permission'-or not.

I have tried to quit smoking and failed realising that I have no 'incentive'. I'm not doing it for my 'health' since the greatist increase in lung cancer is among ex-smokers. It is because of what it's doing to wrinkle my face.

If I'm not trying to appear'attractive' What should I care..... I'm 50 freakin years OLD!

NEVER in the history of the world have people lived so long.I would rather drop dead than to concieve of a LONG disabled 'old age'. WHEN do I get to 'let go' and be 'older'?

I see slovenly 20 yr olds, FAT 30 yr olds. I'm FIFTY Can I stop TRYING to be 'sexually appealing' now?! This brings many things into question.

Means questioning many small but important aspects. Things you might not have priviously have considered important.

How should I feel now, after a lifetime of Warped Personal Image making me skinnier than 'normal' be transformed to being FAT.

]Other issues like smoking. I have tried quitting. I realised that it was most about trying to be appeaing to the broadest spectrum of potential retirement plans. In the daily reality I knew that I would quit 'for someone' but would not quit otherwise. It could hasten death, maybe not.

I did lose that extra 17 llbs 2 yrs ago (easy for me) noticed no difference in interest IN me. If it did it was ovbviously 'physical' which I now realise I have no need for.

I'm now questioning deep things. How bout you?

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I can relate without a doubt. Finally being able to shed the last of my (forgiven, but not forgotten) attempts to cope in a sexual world has left me pondering all sorts of deeper things. Namely, do I really want a relationship at this point, or was that also just something that got nailed into my head at a young age?

(oops, meant italics, not quotes, t-he)

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I think that being an older asexual means that you have finally become comfortable enough in your own skin to be able to resist the tremendous social pressure that insists you conform to expectations, pair up, build a nest, and spawn.

The transition stage is painful and awkward because our society isn't willing to offer any valid "plan B" for older singles who don't WANT to date in the traditional way. Being older means that you have finally aquired enough self-knowledge and self-confidence to invent your OWN "plan B" and then to implement it, regardless of what the status quo says.

In my case, it meant, among other things, losing about 80lbs and embarking on a healthier lifestyle - NOT to make myself more appealing, but to allow myself to be more self-sufficient for a longer period of time. I am very much aware of how socially isolated I am and of how that affects my probable future. Part of my "plan B" consists of expanding my social network to include more friends so that I don't have to be such a huge burden to only one or two people. In my case, I have found that I DO need committed relationships with other people to be happy, but I have also found that they DON'T need to be of the traditional marriage type to be perfectly satisfying to me.

I have accepted reality.

Yup! Just as I suspected all along: I don't fit.

And I have accepted the fact that I never will.

Life, for whatever reason, has handed me an incomplete deck. I can't play "the game" with what I have been dealt.

SOOO ....

I have decided to use these bit and pieces to make a wonderful castle of cards! Not only that - it is going to be the most politically incorrect, exotic, and hurricane-proof castle ever imagined!

I know that I can't shape myself to fit society's mold, so I'm not even going to try.

Being an older asexual means giving up the fear of making the wrong choice and embracing the freedom to make ANY choice!

-GB

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AMEN Greybird! Did and done! Always been that way! Congrats on the 80 lbs by the way! WE are gonna have a GREAT time! I can see it now!

SEE I thought I KNEW who I was and WHY I did the things I do. Then THIS.

Fern, THAT's what I'm talking about!

Rethinking everything from the boots up. How many of my life's decisions were MY idea and how many were made because I'm asexual.

For instance, I've Always gotten along best with men. I've always partnered with married men. I always thought I was 'noble' or 'ethical' that I would NEVER interfere with anyone's marriage-or loved one. Turns out-fact is- I don't want sex anyway and that is a very convenient way to have male friends without the 'threat' of sex.

Does it really CHANGE anything? Didn't think so at first but yes, maybe some things...............Maybe many things.................Waiting to discover

That's why this thread. A month in and 40 years of attitudes and ideas and 'being' are now in question...from the subtle to the sublime....

I have always been known as 'arguementative'. I've never seen it as such, I'm 'inquisitive'. Whatever the question, I want to probe all the corners and make sure I understand the WHOLE of it. Not a judgement process (I caught on before the quantum physicists that 'preconceived outcomes' taint the experiment.) I had always wondered about THAT and THEN they said it!

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The transition stage is painful and awkward because our society isn't willing to offer any valid "plan B" for older singles who don't WANT to date in the traditional way. Being older means that you have finally aquired enough self-knowledge and self-confidence to invent your OWN "plan B" and then to implement it, regardless of what the status quo says.

and

Being an older asexual means giving up the fear of making the wrong choice and embracing the freedom to make ANY choice!

This gives me encouragment. I do have a plan B, but am still afraid to implement it. It's the same plan B I've had since I was nine. I'm hoping that not only the aging process, but having found AVEN and the process of uncovering ALL the pieces of me that have been socially molded, vs the parts that I can say have been born in there, will further help me find that courage.

PS. I know society molds us too, and that's just a part of being human and having interacted, blah blah. But there are parts of me that I allowed to stray from my orginal self, and those are the parts that finally embracing my asexuality have called into quesiton. I'm glad for it. I'm like you, T_Hinker. I need to question it all, seek out its roots, and reveal an understanding that I can firmly call my own.

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GB Excellent way of summorizing it all.

I think that being an older asexual means that you have finally become comfortable enough in your own skin to be able to resist the tremendous social pressure that insists you conform to expectations, pair up, build a nest, and spawn.

Most excellent quote/definition.

When I was a kid, I lived to please my parents. I made decisions to please them. I did what they wanted me to do, even when I knew it wasnt what I wanted to do. I went to college to please my dad. I hated every minute that I was there.

When I was a young adult, I did whatever my peer group wanted to do. They made the decision and I followed. I have always been strong willed and very opinionated, but I surrendered to my peer group in almost everything, just to try and fit in. The need for acceptance. I knew I was different, I just didnt want everyone else to know I was different.

As a full adult, I started breaking away. Trying out things I always wanted to do, but never did because they would punctuate my being different.

All through those years I had bouts of deep depression. Sadness would overwhelm me at times. Today I understand why, but then it was something that just happened. The real reason for my depression? Living a fake life. Trying to be everything to everybody. The constant surrender of my own desires to be accepted by those around me. I could only do that for so long a period then I would have emotional overload and sink into depression. I'd have the preverbial Pity-Party for myself. It would last a week, 2 weeks or so, until I got all the pent up emotions out of my system, then the cycle would begin again. Play act in front of family and friends. Surrender to their expectations.

Then I finally grew up. I finally accepted myself for who and what I am. I was lucky, I had a deep Faith System in God to help me thru the proccess, which allowed me to see Who I am in Christ. To accept myself as the Special Person God made me to be.

After all that, then I found AVEN and discovered I'm not alone in the universe, that God made others like me. That was a huge revelation.

Now as an older asexual. I live life for me. I don't care if I fit in with those around me. I accept them for who they are, and if we are to be friends then they can accept me for who I am. I'm still not all that social, never was. But the social relationships I do have, all know that I am single, and will always remain single and am not interested in any intimate relationships. I enjoy friendships but nothing beyond that. I am a card caring nudist. Since I was little I enjoyed being nude, but because I wanted to fit in with those around me, I never practiced the nudist lifestyle. Now I do. It's part of who I am and now that I am comfortable with who I am, I'm not afraid of being the outcast for living my life my way. I am a christian. I dont push my beliefs onto anyone, but I dont hide the fact that i'm a christian and dont do certain things anymore either. Now people can accept that I dont go to bars and alcoholic parties and still be friends or not.

So like Greybird said. You know you have arrived at being an "Older" when you accept yourself and live life your way, not the way others expect you to live. It has to do with a whole lot more than just being asexual. It encompases your whole being and life.

That's my take on it anyways. Oh, I also agree that getting here is very painfull, or at least it was for me. It is my greatest hope that AVEN will help others to bypass many of the painfull experiences that us "Older's" went through. That is my primary purpose of posting on AVEN.

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Ziffler, thank you so much for posting that. I almost want to save a copy to my desk top so I can read it whenever I start to feel that same sense of depression you mentioned.

Really. I'm not even angry at the Age bug anymore, thanks to that. Above all, I recognize that finding AVEN and participating here is going to have long lasting, and profoundly positive impacts on me and my life to come. In no small part to posters like you. Thank you thank you. :D

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  • 3 weeks later...
I am a card carrying nudist.

Hey Ziff.......Where do you PUT those cards that you carry as a nudist?

Sorry I couldn't resist.... :lol:

Lizzie

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Now I find relief in that I am not just a nut who has believed for 50 years that everybody else is just a bunch of bleeding hearts crowing about nothing.

I'm not sure what you mean. What is it the the bleeding hearts are crowing about that you are rejecting? Is it mostly about smoking and weight loss?

I have tried to quit smoking and failed realising that I have no 'incentive'. I'm not doing it for my 'health' since the greatist increase in lung cancer is among ex-smokers. It is because of what it's doing to wrinkle my face. If I'm not trying to appear'attractive' What should I care..... I'm 50 freakin years OLD!

I have tried quitting. I realised that it was most about trying to be appeaing to the broadest spectrum of potential retirement plans. In the daily reality I knew that I would quit 'for someone' but would not quit otherwise. It could hasten death, maybe not. .

My incentive would be economic mostly, but there is also the very real FIRE hazard.

Actually, I never developed a smoking habit . I TRIED to smoke when I was a teen because I was fat, and many of my friends lost weight when they started smoking. But cigarettes always made me really sick, so I gave up before I finished my first pack.

It's a good thing I never developed the habit though, because I never would have been able to support it financially

I think cigarettes are about $5 a pack here, (even higher in UK) If you smoke a pack a day (which I think is normal)thats $35 a week....$10 a week more than my FOOD budget! I cannot understand where folks who claim they can't feed their children get the money for cigarettes.

NEVER in the history of the world have people lived so long.I would rather drop dead than to concieve of a LONG disabled 'old age'

Ya know...I kinda felt that way when I was YOUNGER, but with disability, old age and a few very close brushes with "the reaper" very much a part of my life....I now realize that I have missed an awful lot, and I doubt that I will be ready for death for a VERY long time!

WHEN do I get to 'let go' and be 'older'?.

Right now seems like a good time :)

I see slovenly 20 yr olds, FAT 30 yr olds. I'm FIFTY Can I stop TRYING to be 'sexually appealing' now?!

How should I feel now, after a lifetime of Warped Personal Image making me skinnier than 'normal' be transformed to being FAT..

Well I AM fat, and have learned the hard way after many years of failed diets, drugs and fitness routines that its just how I am. I was a fat child and after developing a crush on a guy as a young adult, I took to starving myself for weeks at a time to get down to a normal weight.

My doctor was telling me I was doing great and to keep up the good work, but when I was hospitalized after an automobile accident, a routine blood test showed I was very close to renal failure. I was still a bit too chubby at 165 pounds to be "sexually attractive" (or so I thought) and refused to eat the crappy high calorie hospital food.....so guess what I got? a high calorie IV!!!! After 4 days in hospital, my ketones were normal but I'd gained 4 pounds. (impossible you say?)

I did lose that extra 17 llbs 2 yrs ago (easy for me) noticed no difference in interest IN me. If it did it was ovbviously 'physical' which I now realise I have no need for.

Right now I'm about 80 pounds overweight and in the LARGEST clothing size one can buy in a normal clothing store. I know that losing the weight would probably improve my self image...even though "sexually appealing" is no longer the target "look". I'm just not resolved to the amount of self-denial required to LOSE 80 pounds. I know this because I DID it many years ago ...and it's just not that important to me now, and my cat doesn't care one way or the other!

I'm now questioning deep things. How bout you?

Naw... I questioned deep things YEARS ago and found the answers made me nuttier than the questions. I given up self-sacrifice and am directing my energy (whatever is left anyway) at promoting political candidates who support equal rights for single folks.

The most difficult part of my existance right now is financial. And that could be substantially relieved if the system acknowleged single folks as living human beings who also must eat, even if they DON"T have CHILDREN!

Lizzie

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Lizzie, This is what deep depression looks like. I gave myself permission a long time ago to just do it and get it over with. I don’t have to be rational and no-one has to agree with it.

Bleeding hearts crowing about nothing is my perception before now that people SO exaggerate everything these days that I was sure that the hype about sex was just that. A competition to see who could exaggerate the most about how wonderful sex is. Like the way they OHH and AHH about fireworks, they just aren’t as great as all that, are they?

Economic and fire hazards of smoking: Did you know it cost a million dollars to raise a kid? If you thought that before doing it, you wouldn’t. Somehow people manage. I have a friend who doesn’t smoke and has had 2 houses burn down. Every relative I have smoked, all g-parents, parents, all aunts and uncles. We took cross country trips when I was a kid, both parents smoking with car windows closed. I got very close to quitting and since I have no life, the boredom got the best of me.

“…and a few very close brushes with "the reaper" very much a part of my life”....I’ve done that part a few times but my reaction is that I’m ok with it.

". I'm just not resolved to the amount of self-denial required to LOSE 80 pounds.” Sounds kinda like the things that go through one’s head about quitting cigarettes. Why? My dogs don’t care. I will not escape lung cancer, my dad just died of it. Even if I didn’t smoke the odds are stacked against me. Cancer is THE cause of death among my relatives. If that don’t git’cha a heart attack will. Either way Life is THE leading cause of death bar none!

“The most difficult part of my existance right now is financial.” Don’t get to feeling too lonely in this I’m in the same boat as are most folks I talk to. I don’t have family either.

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Bleeding hearts crowing about nothing is my perception before now that people SO exaggerate everything these days that I was sure that the hype about sex was just that. A competition to see who could exaggerate the most about how wonderful sex is. Like the way they OHH and AHH about fireworks, they just aren’t as great as all that, are they?

I guess I've always been a bit of a romantic. As a young teenager I was very determined to "save myself" for my true love, and sex was going to be "consumation". I thought it would be a beautiful fullfilling experience, and I was dissappointed.

Now fireworks , on the other hand....

There is a town on the south coast of England called Hastings. The ruins of a Norman castle complex sits high on the bluffs over the town and the English Channel. In Summer, they have a firework display over the castle once a week, and to watch this from the darkened pebbly beach below ia a truely THRILLING sensory experience! Definately "as great as all that" :)

Did you know it cost a million dollars to raise a kid? If you thought that before doing it, you wouldn’t. Somehow people manage

I wonder what sort of expenses are considered to arrive at that figure. I HAVE raised a son, now 23 years old. I can tell you that it wasn't anywhere near a million dollars to raise HIM... even if you are including MY living expenses in that figure. In between 1983, when he was born and 2000, when he turned 18, my total earnings from my social security statement BEFORE taxes were just over $450,000. That is for full time employment all 18 years. That amount of income was also high enough to exclude me from recieving any type of assistance, so you can't adjust for that. Perhaps the figure you are using is an average of some sort.

I have a friend who doesn’t smoke and has had 2 houses burn down.

Wow..2 complete burnouts? That IS unusual. Bet she has some trouble getting insurance.

Every relative I have smoked, all g-parents, parents, all aunts and uncles.

Me too. My parents, grandparents, all my aunts and uncles, MOST of my cousins, all my sisters ..AND my son. They all smoke.

I have had one insurance claim in my 30 years with the same insurance company. When my son was a teenager, he was not permitted to smoke, and would attempt to conceal it by smoking...in his CLOSET! He left a butt smouldering in there one night and set the house on fire. Burned out two rooms upstairs. We were SOOOOOO fortunate to have survived the fire... but my son still smokes. That's ONE reason why he does not wish to live

here. I don't permit smoking, drugs or screwing his girlfriends in the house, and since I am now retired, I am home almost all the time! He thinks I'm an unreasonable old witch, but I love him.

I got very close to quitting and since I have no life, the boredom got the best of me.

". I'm just not resolved to the amount of self-denial required to LOSE 80 pounds.” Sounds kinda like the things that go through one’s head about quitting cigarettes. Why? My dogs don’t care. .

I guess I can't understand it because I've never experienced it. (nicotine addiction) There is lots of alcoholism in my family as well as the smoking. My mother and sisters have all had drug/alcohol problems, but for some reason it must have "skipped" me....or perhaps I'm just too aware of the potential.

I was never much of a drinker either, and even had a second job as a bartender for several years before my son was born. The only time I've felt at risk was when my doctor was giving me diet pills. I LIKED how they made me feel, and I WAS able to lose weight while taking them, but I felt really CRAPPY when they wore off... I knew it was a BAD sign, so I quit taking them and dealt with the withdrawal.

Now I like to have a chocolate on occasion, but it's not a daily "must have" so I don't think it's an addiction. The problem with being a "food junkie" is that there isn't any cure. Even the nutritional components that are known to cause problems (cholesteral, fat, carbohyrates and sugar) can't be totally eliminated from your diet without making you very sick.So I have excepted my size as being my size for now.

Cancer is THE cause of death among my relatives. If that don’t git’cha a heart attack will. Either way Life is THE leading cause of death bar none!

True. My Dad died of heart disease very young, and HE DIDN"T smoke. As for my mother, I'm not really sure what actually killed her. She was driving in her usual drunken stupor, after the bars closed. She ran into a stone bridge abuttment head on at about 60 MPH. She was decapitated above the eyebrows and the car fireballed and rolled backwards into the creek after the impact. Cause of death? The coroner really didn't know for certain. She may have died of a heart attack at the wheel before she hit the bridge.... There wasn't enough left of her to tell. She was 5'2" tall and weighed about 230 pounds ...but the coroner estimated her weight at 140 based on the remains.

Pretty gruesome huh? Ya gotta wonder how someone with 7 children...one of them only four years old, would live that way. None for me, thanks.

“The most difficult part of my existance right now is financial.” Don’t get to feeling too lonely in this I’m in the same boat as are most folks I talk to. I don’t have family either.

I do have family. Most won't associate with me because of my "high and mighty" standards. I really don't know how else to deal with that sort of stuff except to reject it. I certainly refuse to embrace it.

We both have good survival skills I think... I really believe depression is a much safer valve for stress than mania. Were gonna be OK

It's been a GREAT pity party....Thanks for the invite! :wink:

Lizzie

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Elizabeth I wrote:

Hey Ziff.......Where do you PUT those cards that you carry as a nudist?

Sorry I couldn't resist....

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Love that reply :D :D :D

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