Jump to content
metelyk

How intense can a squish be without being a crush?

Recommended Posts

metelyk

I have a friend I deeply care about. I love being around her and think she is absolutely wonderful - I would listen to her talk for days, I want to show the whole world how talented she is at certain things, and I feel incredibly blessed that she is part of my life. Sometimes I think about her and am just overwhelmed with love. I feel like we "get" each other in a way, like there is something that echoes me in her, and vice versa.

 

I have wondered before whether this might not be a squish but a crush, because I love her so much. However, every time I have tried imagining her declaring her (romantic) love for me, it feels very wrong and even makes me flinch. I do not like the idea of us calling ourselves "girlfriends" or "partners", or saying we are a "couple". I have a strong, gut reaction of "NO" when I think about us doing anything romantic. (Well, I would happily hold hands and cuddle with her, but those things are platonic to me.) I do miss her when I don’t see her for a while, but it’s not a longing - I just want to talk to her about so many things and have fun together. So I think this is a squish rather than a crush.

 

But it has made me wonder how intense a squish is "allowed" to be before it becomes a crush. Often, romantic love is described as a very intense feeling, in a way that makes it sound like love is a straight line and once you get far enough along it, it has to become romantic. And aromantics would not be able to go further along that line, because they don’t feel it. Is this true? I myself feel like romance is more about intent, that is, it is a specific kind of love that makes you long for a specific kind of relationship with the person. For example, when my friend tells me she loves me, it makes me very happy because I know she means it as a friend, but if she said the same words, but with romantic intent, I would be VERY uncomfortable.

 

I look forward to hearing your answers :) Also, I am sorry if it sounds like I am supporting the stereotype that aromantics "can’t love". It’s just that I am trying to reconcile the fact that I am arospec with the fact I am a deeply loving and affectionate person. (I was told that I have a ‘"ack of emotions" and can’t connect with others because of being aromantic, and if I have emotions and connections, that means I am not aromantic after all.)

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Laurann
2 hours ago, metelyk said:

I was told that I have a ‘"ack of emotions" and can’t connect with others because of being aromantic, and if I have emotions and connections, that means I am not aromantic after all.

Well this is obviously wrong and very hurtful.

 

It sounds like a very intense squish to me, or just intense platonic love.

 

2 hours ago, metelyk said:

Often, romantic love is described as a very intense feeling, in a way that makes it sound like love is a straight line and once you get far enough along it, it has to become romantic.

I don't like the way we tend to put feelings on a single axis from hate to dislike to neutral to like to love. I think it's inaccurate. Feelings and relationships are much more complex than that. They can't be put on a single axis.

I would say it ís possible to care for your friends more than for your romantic partner, and that shouldn't be weird. Sometimes you know your friends for a lot longer than your romantic partner. 

It is also possible to love someone without even liking them (aka family sometimes).

So yeah. The single axis thing is wrong. I'd say it's part of amatonormativity.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus DarkFox

Crush and Squish intensity is subjective to the person and its something only personally definable.  Both can be intense or weak and both can be felt differently between people one finds such attraction to.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
metelyk
On 12/3/2019 at 1:48 PM, Laurann said:

I don't like the way we tend to put feelings on a single axis from hate to dislike to neutral to like to love. I think it's inaccurate. Feelings and relationships are much more complex than that. They can't be put on a single axis.

I would say it ís possible to care for your friends more than for your romantic partner, and that shouldn't be weird. Sometimes you know your friends for a lot longer than your romantic partner. 

It is also possible to love someone without even liking them (aka family sometimes).

So yeah. The single axis thing is wrong. I'd say it's part of amatonormativity.

Thank you! I think so too. When I was a child, we actually had an axis like that: we used to say that there was a hierarchy "acquaintance - mate (I am not sure what the exact word is in English, it means someone you like and have playdates with but not a real friend) - best mate - friend - best friend - lover". And we would put everyone around us on the axis, so we would say things like "you were nasty to me so you're not my friend anymore, you're just a best mate". I think this is one of the reasons why it took me so long to understand, that really liking someone does not mean liking them romantically.

 

16 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Crush and Squish intensity is subjective to the person and its something only personally definable.  Both can be intense or weak and both can be felt differently between people one finds such attraction to.

So a crush really is just romantic, then, and has nothing to do with intensity? That is interesting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
DoubleATripleA

I remember having a very intense alterous crush (or I guess squish) on a woman (my most recent instance), and my ex thought I loved her even though I said I didn't. It's been less intense now, but I still have this urge to be her best friend, and it's very very prominent that I care so much about her. In fact, 2 out of 3 of my alterous experiences were so intense, and I understand how hard it can be to differentiate between a crush and squish when you are questioning as aromantic. 

 

I basically figured it was a squish because I would imagine myself being in a romantic relationship and feel uncomfortable (I'm romance repulsed actually) and it was an instant 'No, no way, we're just friends.' I haven't even felt any sexual attraction to my squishes except one, but it has faded overtime (this is actually quite common for me). Like, romance and sex were never on my mind unless someone mentioned it. My mum assumed that just because I thought one of my squishes were a nice person, that I was sexually attracted to her, which I am not - that doesn't mean I still wouldn't have sex with her bc I find her very aesthetically attractive and I feel very connected to her emotionally. This is my most recent squish, and it's been going on for nearly a year or so.

 

I always find it funny how rare I experience actual squishes and how it's always women 25 and older, and 2 of them were teachers ajjdjs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kiaroskuro
On 12/3/2019 at 1:48 PM, Laurann said:

I don't like the way we tend to put feelings on a single axis from hate to dislike to neutral to like to love. I think it's inaccurate. Feelings and relationships are much more complex than that. They can't be put on a single axis.

I would say it ís possible to care for your friends more than for your romantic partner, and that shouldn't be weird. Sometimes you know your friends for a lot longer than your romantic partner. 

It is also possible to love someone without even liking them (aka family sometimes).

So yeah. The single axis thing is wrong. I'd say it's part of amatonormativity.

Good points, and I agree with everything - except for the last part. Loving someone without even liking them, how is that humanly possible? :huh: Perhaps you mean that we are supposed to love family members? But that's not actual love, then ...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Laurann
21 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

Loving someone without even liking them, how is that humanly possible? :huh: Perhaps you mean that we are supposed to love family members? But that's not actual love, then ...

Sure it is.

I've always loved my sister, as in, I care about her deeply, if anything happened to her I'd be devastated, I want her to be happy and none of that will ever change, but sometimes she drives me up the friggin wall. There have been periods where I didn't like her at all.

 

Do you think parents stop loving their children when they go through their rebellious teenage years, drink and drive and crash their parents' cars? Do you think they like the kid that did that during that period? (PS no I did not do that in case you were wondering, just a random example.)

 

That's what I'm talking about with 'unconditional love.' You love someone because you can't help it, and nothing they do will make you stop caring for them deeply. So even if you don't like them, you still love them.

 

Parents and spouses of inmates still call them and still miss them, even if they've done something terrible. They can't just choose to stop loving them. That deep bond of caring doesn't just break because they've done something that makes you dislike them.

 

Love is stable and consistent like the climate, liking is much more fickle and up-and-down like the weather. Just because it's a cold day doesn't mean you're no longer in the tropics. Just because you don't like them right now doesn't mean you no longer care about them deeply.

 

I don't know, this has just always been so blatantly obvious to me that I don't know how to explain it clearly, so that's why I explained it differently 5 times haha. I hope that helps.

I remember once I must have been about 10 and I told my mom 'Ugh I hate my sister.' and she said 'well she's still your sister though.' and I said 'Well yeah duh I still love her, I just don't like her.' So yeah. For me this has always been 2+2=4 level obvious. I can't explain why 2+2=4 either. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kiaroskuro

Thanks for taking the time to explain your point of view in such great detail, @Laurann. We're not on the same page, but never mind. Maybe we're simply using different definitions of the words 'liking' and 'loving'. In my opinion it's an absolute prerequisite to like someone before you grow to love them, to care about them deeply as you describe it. Loving someone doesn't mean that you like/condone their behaviour at all times, that you always agree with them, never get mad at them or never be annoyed by them. That's part of all kinds of loving relationships, familial or romantic. But I can't imagine disliking someone and caring about them / loving them at the same time. Does not compute.

 

As for love being stable and consistent like the climate ... well, maybe that's true in a parallel universe. (Don't mind me, I'm an old cynic and don't know shit about feelings and relationships.)

-_-

[sorry for going off-topic]

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Laurann
20 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

well, maybe that's true in a parallel universe.

I mean, I experience it like that and I'm in this universe (last time I checked)

But it's okay if our experiences differ :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus DarkFox
16 hours ago, Laurann said:

I mean, I experience it like that and I'm in this universe (last time I checked)

But it's okay if our experiences differ :)

In a alternate universe I’m definitely super gay and super romantic, if only we can meet our parallel universe selves :)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...