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Jessicarabbitūüź∑

I think my boyfriend is asexual and what do I do?

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Jessicarabbitūüź∑

I've been  with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and we live together. At first the relationship was going great sexually but started to fizzle out. Personally sex is a big thing for me in relationships so I was casually asking him why he doesn't want to do it as much and he said the obvious things "I'm tired" "been at work"etc. But yet manages to find the time to spend 6 hours on his computer games. Anyway, I tried to speak to him about it, the first conversation was him saying he would  try and make the effort. The second time I had  said I feel unattractive, it's a stress relief for me and it makes me feel good and I feel closer and his response was to be defensive and say "well if it was the other way round youd be pissed off for me saying that"and "find another stress relief" so I thought, maybe it's me. So I started karate, jogging, seeing my friends etc and for a month it worked and I was back to square one. My friend is in a similar situation but he has been stuck In it for 6 years and during that he began to catch feelings for another girl emotionally and sexually (didn't cheat) told his gf and they're still together but their sex life hasn't improved. I love my boyfriend but I feel like its started to become a friendship. I'm thinking about past sexual experiences I've had, and I'm even thinking about scenarios of me with other people. I love spending time with him and it's only sex that's the problem but in my head I'm thinking is it worth it? Am I really going to throw away a relationship because of sex? So I'm torn. We live together and I dont want to break up and he be stuck somewhere he cant afford after etc, but I've spend alot of time in a unhappy relationship before and regretted the time I had spent in it. I've suggested him being asexual before but he doesn't believe in it but I've been keeping notes on how long it has been with out last sexual encounter and within the 2 years it's been around 4-5 months. Currently it's at 5 months and whatever I do to spice things up or be unpredictable, whatever doesn't work. Hes the sweetest guy in the world but I just feel guilty when he tells me I'm the love of his life etc and I dont 100% feel the same. And it's not fair that my eyes are wondering when his arnt its just the way he is. What the fuck do I do? 

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Grimalkin

I'm not sure asexuality is so much the problem here as his refusal to try and fix anything.

 

You tried something. You took up hobbies. You listened to his suggestions. It didn't help. 

 

He's done... nothing. Not even troubleshooting. No doctor's visits, no discussion of depression, no attempts to make YOU feel better. Your feelings matter too.

 

(And no, saying he was going to try and then not trying does not count.)

 

It's no wonder you're feeling worn out. It's hard when you have to shoulder the whole responsibility for "fixing" the relationship-- or worse, when your partner does their best not to see anything wrong.

 

Given what you said about not wanting to waste more time in a relationship (very wise), I think it might be best to lay out your feelings and express that this might be killing your relationship. Maybe write it down in a letter and then go for a walk so he can read it and think about it and what he wants to do.

 

If he truly never wants to have sex again, that's one thing. But who knows, maybe he's depressed or something similar. You probably won't know either way until you get it all out in the open.

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uhtred

For many people sex is intimately tied to romance and love, and a romantic relationship without sex feels hollow, fake, frustrating.  

 

My  impression is that peoples level of desire for sex (sexual / asexual axis,  libido, whatever you call it) does not change very much, so someone who does not presently have a lot of interest in sex is unlikely to change, and someone who does is unlikely to lose the interest.

 

Having been married for over 30 years to a nearly asexual woman, I have to say that I do not recommend that approach. Our sexual incompatibility casts a cloud over everything - and greatly weakens an otherwise wonderful relationship.  

 

If you are not happy, set a time limit to become happy (no more than 6 months) and if you are not, then leave.  The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to leave. 

 

Sex is vitally important to some people, and there is nothing to be ashamed of if it is important to you. 

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Memento1

The biggest issue here is the communication.  You need to be able to talk to and hear each other without becoming defensive.  His reactions are very obviously defensive.  It's impossible for me to figure out what leads to that with only your input.  It could be a relatively easy fix like you're using language that incites his defensiveness.  It could be a much larger issue from childhood that needs long-term therapy to overcome.  More likely it's a combination of the two.  You can try a couples counselor to see if you can clear up the communication problem.  If it turns out the communication is not an easy fix, it's on you to decide whether you have the patience / resources to devote to it or not, with the clear understanding that improving communication does not in itself fix the sexual mismatch.

 

I'm sorry you've been going through this and feeling guilty, unattractive, and hurt.  It's a sad situation all around.

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SithGrinch

I think you need to lay it all out for him. About why sex is so important to you what what a relationship without sex feels like, how his attitude towards it makes you feel, etc. It's huge. 

 

Because sexual incompatibility is something people can and should break up over. Some people just cannot make it work, and they'll be happier apart so should be apart. Some can make it work, and that requires effort from both sides, not just yours.

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Marlow1

This happened to my wife and I, Relationship Therapy was the answer for us ūüėČ

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