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Haraldhadrada

Fetish and asexuality

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Haraldhadrada

Hello, well i made a post a while back seeking for help to know if im really asexual or grey asexual or just sexual. Right now i think im grey because i have a fetish that gives me this sexual feeling, but not wanting to have sex, like, the fantasy gives me this feeling but it stops there, i dont feel with tgis fetish that i would like to have sex (its a fat fetish btw just to clarify) so my question is

 

Having a fetish makes you less asexual?

 

Maybe i tend to label everythink and thats wrong, but well, i just get confused.

 

English is not my native language please forgive gramatical mistakes

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Grimalkin

I actually know a couple of other asexual people and we've discussed this and we all have various kinks/fetishes that seem weirdly independent of our lack of desire for sex. I think it's pretty normal. 

 

Fantasies can often get me keyed up but I've found that typically, those kinks/fetishes do not carry over to real life very well at all. I've tried a few with my partner and they do not get me excited in the same way the abstract idea of them does. 

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Star Bit

Asexuals can have fetishes, but they can't want partnered sexual activity with it. (e.g. feet can turn you on, but an asexual wouldn't want to mentally or physically touch their partner's/a specific person's feet for sexual arousal-- that would just be a sexual person with specific preferences; maybe specifically Quasi-Hetero/Homo/Bisexual)

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Haraldhadrada

The thing is that i do not want to engage in a sexual act, its just the fetish, i wouldn't want to have sex, even if i was with a partner, its just a little confusing really

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Janus DarkFox

Plenty of Acrs have a non-sexual fetish, either enjoyed solo or enjoyed together with or without sex.

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DoubleATripleA
On 12/2/2019 at 6:00 AM, Star Bit said:

Asexuals can have fetishes, but they can't want partnered sexual activity with it. (e.g. feet can turn you on, but an asexual wouldn't want to mentally or physically touch their partner's/a specific person's feet for sexual arousal-- that would just be a sexual person with specific preferences; maybe specifically Quasi-Hetero/Homo/Bisexual)

quasi-hetero/homo/bisexual, you mean like an unusual hetero, homo or bisexual? I don't understand why cannot just say homo, hetero or bisexual. Does me liking both male and female genitals, despite only being sexually attracted to women, make me a quasi heterosexual then?

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DoubleATripleA
On 12/3/2019 at 4:40 AM, Haraldhadrada said:

The thing is that i do not want to engage in a sexual act, its just the fetish, i wouldn't want to have sex, even if i was with a partner, its just a little confusing really

Well I can sort of equate this with how some of us aromantics partake in 'performative romance' like kissing, cuddling, spooning, etc. with our partners, but it doesn't mean we aren't aromantic or we like romantic stuff, but not actually being romantic with people...is that what you mean? 

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Star Bit
On 12/4/2019 at 11:55 AM, DoubleATripleA said:

quasi-hetero/homo/bisexual, you mean like an unusual hetero, homo or bisexual?

Basically yes. But I ended up coming up with the term because we occasionally get sexual people on here that not just have specific sexual preferences (and questioned asexuality), but also want forms of sex that aren't the most explicitly sex. For instance, if someone only wants to have phone sex, then they do have a desire for partnered sexual activity, but indirectly. Secondary sex I suppose. The same goes for the foot fetish example. You wouldn't really say that a person getting their feet touched (with no sexual response of their own) just had sex. Or someone that talked on the phone, or danced while someone jerked off, or wants to do foreplay for the arousal, or jerk off while making out. Someone even had a cheating fetish and strictly wanted their partner to do so so they could get off on it.

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doggalogga

Simple answer; you can be ace, and have a fetish

 

I discovered the joys of the inter-web 22 years ago and my world totally opened up. Fetishes/kinks can work on different levels, and can be purely fantastic (in the sense that it's all in the head, with no desire to engage), while some people actively engage in their fetish.

 

However, it doesn't translate to sexual intercourse directly. Some couples will use a fetish/fetishes as a warm up, some will engage in it during sex.

 

For aces like me, sex never comes in to it, and for me, it's all in my head. I've never physically engaged in my fetish. It would take every single domino on the planet to line up for it to happen.

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Arodash

There are a lot of fetishes and kinks that dont actually include sex but... are still within the realm of adhering to fundamental attractions that even a lot of ace folk have, so i'd be willing to bet those kinds of things may be more common in asexuals because they have little to no desire for sex or partners, things like that

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EdInLondon

I have struggled with this issue as well.  I actually wrote to Anthony Bogaert on this subject, as his book mentions fetishes (which he refers to as "paraphilia") several times.  He said, " If one does have an atypical attraction (including an atypical attraction to others), then it can make it hard to fully isolate how one relates to others sexually ".  It seems as if even one of the world's experts in asexuality struggles with this topic.

 

I fantasise on a virtually daily basis about my fetishes (bondage and certain articles of clothing) but it's extremely rare for me to think about any form of intercourse.  However, my fantasies all revolve around women and never men, which makes me think that I am a heterosexual man really.  Why else would I never have men (besides myself) in these fantasies?

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Alyrian

I'm in a similar boat Ed, and I'd be interested in hearing what you or anyone else has found on the subject. My particular kink's more performative and so by necessity typically involves other people, but I don't really care who the other people are. The only reason I'd want a partner to be involved would be to help make specific scenarios happen. I don't want it to escalate past there, I just want the happy memory.

 

On the practical side, I'd also be interested in any dating strategies for this that people have discovered. This subject seems way too specific and TMI to broach on a dating site, but it also seems like I need to address it on some level. I worry if I just put "asexual" that folks will feel mislead. But I guess that's something that you can unpack a few dates in, and since I don't really *need* a partner involved, it'd only be a problem if they saw having a libido as a betrayal.

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Serran
3 hours ago, BoltVanderhuge said:

I'm in a similar boat Ed, and I'd be interested in hearing what you or anyone else has found on the subject. My particular kink's more performative and so by necessity typically involves other people, but I don't really care who the other people are. The only reason I'd want a partner to be involved would be to help make specific scenarios happen. I don't want it to escalate past there, I just want the happy memory.

 

On the practical side, I'd also be interested in any dating strategies for this that people have discovered. This subject seems way too specific and TMI to broach on a dating site, but it also seems like I need to address it on some level. I worry if I just put "asexual" that folks will feel mislead. But I guess that's something that you can unpack a few dates in, and since I don't really *need* a partner involved, it'd only be a problem if they saw having a libido as a betrayal.

Mmm. Well. A lot of sexual fetishists require their fetish and cant be sexually aroused without it - meaning the person doesn't do it for them, the fetish does. It's an interesting thing in human sexuality when a fetish becomes required. They often meetup at clubs or meetups off fetlife with people for it and it isn't so much about the person as how good the person is at the fetish. I just watched an episode of a show that did it... sorta OK... with it being a casual "I dont know the person. Just the pony" for pony play fetishes with people who separate the two. So, it can complicate the orientation thing a bit when a fetish comes into play. 

 

As for dating... do you need to act out the fetish with people? Would you do it with other people while in a relationship? If you need people to be involved sexually, most would see that as non-monogamy if it's not with your partner. So, best to be up front about it.  

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Alyrian
5 hours ago, Serran said:

As for dating... do you need to act out the fetish with people? Would you do it with other people while in a relationship? If you need people to be involved sexually, most would see that as non-monogamy if it's not with your partner. So, best to be up front about it.  

Naw, I don't have a pressing need to act it out in reality at all. It's something that'd be fun to experiment with and it'd be nice to be comfortable enough with a partner to tell them about it, but I've been content my entire adult life with online fiction (where I often have to gloss over the parts where it turns into sex :P). The handful of times I've shared it with other people haven't been particularly fulfilling (mostly they can't seem to understand that I don't want to "upgrade" it into sex).

 

I think having had this discussion and thought about it more, "asexual with a libido" way is an honest and useful way to present myself for dating, and the discussion about what exactly that means should probably be broached pretty early anyway in a space where labels mean different things to different people.

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Serran
15 minutes ago, Alyrian said:

Naw, I don't have a pressing need to act it out in reality at all. It's something that'd be fun to experiment with and it'd be nice to be comfortable enough with a partner to tell them about it, but I've been content my entire adult life with online fiction (where I often have to gloss over the parts where it turns into sex :P). The handful of times I've shared it with other people haven't been particularly fulfilling (mostly they can't seem to understand that I don't want to "upgrade" it into sex).

 

I think having had this discussion and thought about it more, "asexual with a libido" way is an honest and useful way to present myself for dating, and the discussion about what exactly that means should probably be broached pretty early anyway in a space where labels mean different things to different people.

Ah. Well. If you don't have to then it isn't that big a deal when dating. Most aces have a libido. Just be honest about it with a partner and dont hide it (cause that sort of thing hidden is not fun). 

 

Not sure what your fetish is but there are places where sex isn't allowed to be included where people can indulge in fetish. Professionals for example arent legally allowed to indulge in sex in a lot of places (many do anyway but they arent gonna complain if you dont want to). 

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Janus DarkFox
On 12/23/2019 at 7:57 AM, Serran said:

Mmm. Well. A lot of sexual fetishists require their fetish and cant be sexually aroused without it - meaning the person doesn't do it for them, the fetish does. It's an interesting thing in human sexuality when a fetish becomes required. They often meetup at clubs or meetups off fetlife with people for it and it isn't so much about the person as how good the person is at the fetish. I just watched an episode of a show that did it... sorta OK... with it being a casual "I dont know the person. Just the pony" for pony play fetishes with people who separate the two. So, it can complicate the orientation thing a bit when a fetish comes into play. 

Being around virtual fetish groups, not always a requirement but an enhancement to an already existing arousal.  Virtual groups deals with fetishes that cannot exist or would be a one time experience due to the danger of disfigurement, critical illness or death.  My witnessing all that as a manager of such completely changed my philosophy around fetishes.

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Siimo van der fietspad
On 12/23/2019 at 3:57 AM, Alyrian said:

I'm in a similar boat Ed, and I'd be interested in hearing what you or anyone else has found on the subject. My particular kink's more performative and so by necessity typically involves other people, but I don't really care who the other people are. The only reason I'd want a partner to be involved would be to help make specific scenarios happen. I don't want it to escalate past there, I just want the happy memory.

 

On the practical side, I'd also be interested in any dating strategies for this that people have discovered. This subject seems way too specific and TMI to broach on a dating site, but it also seems like I need to address it on some level. I worry if I just put "asexual" that folks will feel mislead. But I guess that's something that you can unpack a few dates in, and since I don't really *need* a partner involved, it'd only be a problem if they saw having a libido as a betrayal.

Same here, and it's confusing me although not making me uncomfortable about my feelings. It was huge relief many years ago to even discover that fetishes were a thing and that there were other people who shared some of mine. What I think is really important from experience with an asexual partner is that even the presence of the fetish object still doesn't make me have any desire for penetrative sex, which helps me confirm I'm asexual. However I have conflicting feelings about whether it's even ok for me to involve a partner in one of my fetishes and also because some of them involve clothing whether it's moral for me to feel anything when seeing a 'bystander' who just happens to be wearing something that ticks my box. Obviously I would never act on that without consent, but in the past I developed crushes because the person happened to own something I liked to see them in.

 

The word on the street in conventional sexual relationships is that more often then not partners are ok to participate in nonviolent fetishes, but of course that is assumed to be because it will lead to conventional sex. Two aces in a different kind of relationship may have a completely different playing field.

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