Jump to content

- deleted -


lilkawaiivampire

Recommended Posts

Drop her. She clearly prioritizes him over you. You need to stand up for yourself and be firm about what you're okay and not okay with in your relationship. But she pushes you into giving in, and that's not okay. 

 

This isn't just her wanting sex because she's clearly emotionally invested in him if he's hanging out with him all the time, meeting his family, and talking about him all the time. This is how a girl acts with her boyfriend, not her sex friend. 

Also, your friend is an asshole and shouldn't be your friend anymore. I don't care if you're in an open relationship, him rubbing it in your face is not acceptable. 

 

12 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

Besides, I've never had sex drive, so I how can I assume she truly didn't forget while so focused on sex?

I have a very low sex drive, but being horny doesn't mean you stop thinking. This is kind of like saying a man is too focused on sex to think about consent. Even if she did, then she'd be apologetic about it afterwards and try and change. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
4 minutes ago, SithGrinch said:

Drop her. She clearly prioritizes him over you. You need to stand up for yourself and be firm about what you're okay and not okay with in your relationship. But she pushes you into giving in, and that's not okay. 

 

This isn't just her wanting sex because she's clearly emotionally invested in him if he's hanging out with him all the time, meeting his family, and talking about him all the time. This is how a girl acts with her boyfriend, not her sex friend. 

Also, your friend is an asshole and shouldn't be your friend anymore. I don't care if you're in an open relationship, him rubbing it in your face is not acceptable. 

 

I have a very low sex drive, but being horny doesn't mean you stop thinking. This is kind of like saying a man is too focused on sex to think about consent. Even if she did, then she'd be apologetic about it afterwards and try and change. 

Thank you for your advice. I agree completely. Lately it's felt like I'm third wheeling in my own relationship. However, I don't want to hurt her or lose her completely. Do you think if I got her to sit and listen, maybe it could work?

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

Thank you for your advice. I agree completely. Lately it's felt like I'm third wheeling in my own relationship. However, I don't want to hurt her or lose her completely. Do you think if I got her to sit and listen, maybe it could work?

I'm nervous about this. I don't know your ages so it's possible (that being a 16 year old acting like this may be understandable, but a 30 year old? No), but from what you wrote earlier? I have my doubts.

 

You said that every time you try and talk to her about it, she starts crying or puts it on you. This doesn't feel like someone who's willing to listen to me. Especially if you end up caving like you said you often do in your original post. Confronting her about it and coming to an understanding takes backbone and unwillingness to back down. 

 

When I had relationship problems, I would often get upset and defensive. But I would also apologize for how I made him feel and would talk to him about ways we could change it. The bigger problems were when I failed in effecting the change. 

You need to be firm in your stance. Know what she's doing wrong and how to make it better. And you cannot give in if she tries to guilt you. Listen to her if she's willing to change, but she needs to be the one to make concessions, not you. You've made concessions already and she took a mile when you offered an inch. 

 

Also, a big problem that happened in my relationship early on was the communication. We talk to each other about everything now, but in the beginning relied a lot on body language and indirect messages that would end up making us frustrated. This is mostly to address your OP where you wrote that your body languages and signals were giving off "I don't want this" which one friend picked up but the other and your gf either didn't or ignored. Subtle signals like this don't count for much. Things need to be said directly and as bluntly as possible to limit the amount of misunderstandings and miscommunications that happen. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving

So many red flags here. You made it clear “no friends” and the first thing she did was latch on to one of your friends and gaslight you into thinking you were in the wrong. 
 

She might have been too focused on sex to have cared, but not to have forgotten.   Your needs and boundaries in a relationship are equally important, being asexual doesn’t make you a second class partner in your relationships.

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I don’t think this woman is a good person to be involved with.
 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
12 minutes ago, SithGrinch said:

I'm nervous about this. I don't know your ages so it's possible (that being a 16 year old acting like this may be understandable, but a 30 year old? No), but from what you wrote earlier? I have my doubts.

 

You said that every time you try and talk to her about it, she starts crying or puts it on you. This doesn't feel like someone who's willing to listen to me. Especially if you end up caving like you said you often do in your original post. Confronting her about it and coming to an understanding takes backbone and unwillingness to back down. 

 

When I had relationship problems, I would often get upset and defensive. But I would also apologize for how I made him feel and would talk to him about ways we could change it. The bigger problems were when I failed in effecting the change. 

You need to be firm in your stance. Know what she's doing wrong and how to make it better. And you cannot give in if she tries to guilt you. Listen to her if she's willing to change, but she needs to be the one to make concessions, not you. You've made concessions already and she took a mile when you offered an inch. 

 

Also, a big problem that happened in my relationship early on was the communication. We talk to each other about everything now, but in the beginning relied a lot on body language and indirect messages that would end up making us frustrated. This is mostly to address your OP where you wrote that your body languages and signals were giving off "I don't want this" which one friend picked up but the other and your gf either didn't or ignored. Subtle signals like this don't count for much. Things need to be said directly and as bluntly as possible to limit the amount of misunderstandings and miscommunications that happen. 

We're eighteen, but she's a bit older by a few months. I'm going to try to talk with her one more time, but if this behavior doesn't change afterwards, I'm going to have to find a kind way to break it off. In all honesty, as someone who studies psychology, I've noticed a few manipulative behaviors on her end, however, I've always had a difficult time sticking up for myself or speaking up, especially when it's someone I just want to make happy. Thank you for all of the advice you've given and I deeply appreciate you taking time to help. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
4 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

So many red flags here. You made it clear “no friends” and the first thing she did was latch on to one of your friends and gaslight you into thinking you were in the wrong. 
 

She might have been too focused on sex to have cared, but not to have forgotten.   Your needs and boundaries in a relationship are equally important, being asexual doesn’t make you a second class partner in your relationships.

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I don’t think this woman is a good person to be involved with.
 

 

Thank you, but it's okay. This isn't the first time, just the first time its happened to me romantically, so I'm used to it. I agree there are many red flags and I realize I need to talk to her or break it off. It's just difficult, ya know? I tend to get attached and care deeply for people and we've known each other a while now. I also don't want to hurt her, but its scary. I've never broken up with someone before. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a non-ace... wanting sex doesn't make you forget the feelings or boundaries of a person you love. She knows you're a pushover that won't call her out for toxic behavior so is manipulating you to have her cake and eat it too with no regard or respect for you. I would drop her so fast her head would spin, personally. You deserve at the least respect in a healthy partnership. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
2 hours ago, Serran said:

As a non-ace... wanting sex doesn't make you forget the feelings or boundaries of a person you love. She knows you're a pushover that won't call her out for toxic behavior so is manipulating you to have her cake and eat it too with no regard or respect for you. I would drop her so fast her head would spin, personally. You deserve at the least respect in a healthy partnership. 

I talked to her and she agreed to not hang with this guy alone anymore. I do believe there have been signs of toxic behaviors and some red flags, however, I want to give her a chance since it's only been a week. Maybe I'm just obsessing. I don't know. I never knew relationships were so complex. I do appreciate and value all of the advice and everyone taking the time to help. I have a lot to think about and consider. Thank you very much

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

A few days ago, we agreed she could have sex with anyone, other than my friends, out of respect for me.

This was your ONE BOUNDARY, and she stepped all over it. That is not how open relationships work. Open relationships only work if there is honest, open communication and boundaries are respected.  You had one rule, and she was like, "Nah, I don't like that rule, so I'm going to ignore it."

 

Is that love?

 

3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

Being in this awkward position, I told her it was fine with a dry tone and continually gave very noticeable external signals to let her know I wasn't okay with it, as the guy rubbed it in my face how he was getting to make out with my girlfriend.

It's a little too late, but you need to stand up for yourself. Next time-- and hopefully there won't be a next time-- say exactly what you're feeling. Which in this case would probably have been, "Uh, no, that's our one boundary, we've discussed this." 

 

3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

In the morning, I spoke to her about it and she gave a half assed apology and said she had forgotten our agreement.

Bullshit. She didn't forget, and you know it. 

 

3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

I did set the boundary of how they could no longer hang out alone together because I couldn't trust her not to forget again. She has been begging me to change the rule for days, asked me in front of her friends if I trusted her, and has wanted to hang out with him everyday.

She knows that she can make you give in to her horrible demands. And you did. 

 

3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

Every time I try to talk to her, she either almost starts crying or finds a way to put it on me.

She is abusive and a manipulator. (Edit: abusers classically turn problems around on you to make you believe it's somehow your fault. This makes you insecure and hesitant to bring up issues in the future, which is exactly what they want.) Don't think because she's a woman she can't abuse you. She is manipulating the hell out of you, and showing absolutely no remorse. 

 

This isn't your fault. You want a relationship. You love her. You're scared to lose her. But honey, there will be so many other women out there that are better than that. I mean, the bar here is literally "not abusive." 

 

If your friends were in a relationship with someone who did this to them, what would you say? Stick with it? Talk more? Of course not. She's awful, and she knows it, and you know it, but she's depending on your devotion to stay together. 

 

3 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

Besides, I've never had sex drive, so I how can I assume she truly didn't forget while so focused on sex?

If this were a legitimate excuse, everyone could have sex, cheat, or rape all the time with no repercussions. "Oh, I guess he forgot about our 20 year marriage because he was so focused on sex." "Oh, I know he was 17, but she was probably so focused on sex."

 

Listen to me. She's a trash human being and you deserve so much better than her and your "friend" who had sex with her. Let's not leave him out of this; he knows what he's doing. A good friend would never. Not even if you said "fine." 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
13 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

This was your ONE BOUNDARY, and she stepped all over it. That is not how open relationships work. Open relationships only work if there is honest, open communication and boundaries are respected.  You had one rule, and she was like, "Nah, I don't like that rule, so I'm going to ignore it."

 

Is that love?

 

It's a little too late, but you need to stand up for yourself. Next time-- and hopefully there won't be a next time-- say exactly what you're feeling. Which in this case would probably have been, "Uh, no, that's our one boundary, we've discussed this." 

 

Bullshit. She didn't forget, and you know it. 

 

She knows that she can make you give in to her horrible demands. And you did. 

 

She is abusive and a manipulator. (Edit: abusers classically turn problems around on you to make you believe it's somehow your fault. This makes you insecure and hesitant to bring up issues in the future, which is exactly what they want.) Don't think because she's a woman she can't abuse you. She is manipulating the hell out of you, and showing absolutely no remorse. 

 

This isn't your fault. You want a relationship. You love her. You're scared to lose her. But honey, there will be so many other women out there that are better than that. I mean, the bar here is literally "not abusive." 

 

If your friends were in a relationship with someone who did this to them, what would you say? Stick with it? Talk more? Of course not. She's awful, and she knows it, and you know it, but she's depending on your devotion to stay together. 

 

If this were a legitimate excuse, everyone could have sex, cheat, or rape all the time with no repercussions. "Oh, I guess he forgot about our 20 year marriage because he was so focused on sex." "Oh, I know he was 17, but she was probably so focused on sex."

 

Listen to me. She's a trash human being and you deserve so much better than her and your "friend" who had sex with her. Let's not leave him out of this; he knows what he's doing. A good friend would never. Not even if you said "fine." 

I know, but when I talked with her tonight, it was different. She listened and agreed not to hang out with him alone; I think one of her friends talked to her about it because he told me he wanted to because what she did was wrong, which I deeply appreciate it if he did. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, don't want to hurt her, and I don't want her friends to get upset with me. They already said they'd stay friends with me either way, but trust issues. I do apologize for being so difficult; I really don't mean to. This kinds of situations are tricky and emotionally exhausting. Everyone, even her friends, say I deserve better, but she just seemed so reasonable and level headed tonight when we talked. She didn't cry or try to manipulate. She told me she wants me to tell her how I feel about things and be honest with her. So, I do apologize, I'm deeply confused. Maybe I overreacted? 

Link to post
Share on other sites

All of what you just said is spurred on because suddenly things seem so much better. Suddenly she's the sweet, loving person you got together with in the first place. She seems like she values your opinion. Things feel like they've changed. 

 

And the next time she wants something and you say no, she will walk right over you again. She's not remorseful. 

 

There's a book I think you should read called Why Does He Do That? I make a decent wage and I would be happy to purchase a kindle version for you. It's about male abusers, but a lot of the signs and tactics are the same. If abusers were mean all the time, no one would date them. They temper their disregard for their partner with bouts of love and affection that soothes the burns they gave you before. They make you think that you overreacted, that it wasn't so bad, that maybe they're truly sorry. Then they do it again. 

 

It's never going to be her fault. You'll "hurt her feelings" and she'll take comfort somewhere else. You'll get into an argument and she'll say it was your fault that she had to go sleep around. She'll say she forgot. She'll say you didn't say no hard enough. She'll say you made her feel insecure. It'll keep happening. 

 

She showed you who she was. Her friends are telling you to run, because they know her. They know she'll turn right around and use you because she can. 

 

It's really hard to break up. But the longer you let it be, the harder it will become. You're going to feel terrible and like you hurt her because you're a good person. But she's only thinking about herself here. Her actions are for her own pleasure. Her apologies are to keep the security of a back-up relationship. 

 

Don't let this become your life. 

 

Edit: Holy shit it's also been only a week?? She couldn't even wait until the honeymoon period was over to screw with your life? Oh my god. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is not a relationship; this is a one-week thing.   If she makes all this emotional trouble for you after ONE WEEK, what do you think it will be like after one year?  

 

Don't let that happen.   Say "goodbye" now.   If you can't manage to do that, you are going to be very unhappy for as long as you allow this to go on.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
2 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

All of what you just said is spurred on because suddenly things seem so much better. Suddenly she's the sweet, loving person you got together with in the first place. She seems like she values your opinion. Things feel like they've changed. 

 

And the next time she wants something and you say no, she will walk right over you again. She's not remorseful. 

 

There's a book I think you should read called Why Does He Do That? I make a decent wage and I would be happy to purchase a kindle version for you. It's about male abusers, but a lot of the signs and tactics are the same. If abusers were mean all the time, no one would date them. They temper their disregard for their partner with bouts of love and affection that soothes the burns they gave you before. They make you think that you overreacted, that it wasn't so bad, that maybe they're truly sorry. Then they do it again. 

 

It's never going to be her fault. You'll "hurt her feelings" and she'll take comfort somewhere else. You'll get into an argument and she'll say it was your fault that she had to go sleep around. She'll say she forgot. She'll say you didn't say no hard enough. She'll say you made her feel insecure. It'll keep happening. 

 

She showed you who she was. Her friends are telling you to run, because they know her. They know she'll turn right around and use you because she can. 

 

It's really hard to break up. But the longer you let it be, the harder it will become. You're going to feel terrible and like you hurt her because you're a good person. But she's only thinking about herself here. Her actions are for her own pleasure. Her apologies are to keep the security of a back-up relationship. 

 

Don't let this become your life. 

 

Edit: Holy shit it's also been only a week?? She couldn't even wait until the honeymoon period was over to screw with your life? Oh my god. 

She has a lot of disorders she's currently getting help for that cause her to be so sexual she can't think of anything else. That's why I'm trying to lenient. I mean, you can't fault someone for disorders, right? Wouldn't that make me an uncaring person? And she is trying to get help.. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

She has a lot of disorders she's currently getting help for that cause her to be so sexual she can't think of anything else. That's why I'm trying to lenient. I mean, you can't fault someone for disorders, right? Wouldn't that make me an uncaring person? And she is trying to get help.. 

No, but you can let them deal with their problems without dragging you into them. It's possible to say you want to separate but see how things are in the future when she's more stable. Like is someone is an alcoholic and is "trying to get help", would you let them beat you because they're just drunk, they can't help it, and they're trying to stop, honestly. Or "they just have anger issues, they're looking for a therapist. They don't mean to yell at me and throw things until I'm afraid and crying to myself." 

 

Sometimes it's better to let people have space while they deal with their crap if it's having a negative affect on you. It doesn't make you a horrible person. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

What @SithGrinch said.

 

Also, let's remember, dating is an audition for compatibility, not an end state. Is someone so hypersexual that she just HAS (cough cough) to have sex with your friend nailing the audition? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
19 minutes ago, SithGrinch said:

No, but you can let them deal with their problems without dragging you into them. It's possible to say you want to separate but see how things are in the future when she's more stable. Like is someone is an alcoholic and is "trying to get help", would you let them beat you because they're just drunk, they can't help it, and they're trying to stop, honestly. Or "they just have anger issues, they're looking for a therapist. They don't mean to yell at me and throw things until I'm afraid and crying to myself." 

 

Sometimes it's better to let people have space while they deal with their crap if it's having a negative affect on you. It doesn't make you a horrible person. 

Wow, I never thought of it that way. Thank you, thats a real eye-opener. You're right, honestly. I should talk with her about taking a mental health break. Honestly, who would get angry at that. It's quite reasonable. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire
14 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

What @SithGrinch said.

 

Also, let's remember, dating is an audition for compatibility, not an end state. Is someone so hypersexual that she just HAS (cough cough) to have sex with your friend nailing the audition? 

Fair enough. Yeah, most people said it was bullshit, but I felt bad saying that, however, maybe a mental health break would be beneficial to us while she sorts some things out. Thank you.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm just an internet stranger and I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think any kind of break is what you need. Break implies getting back together eventually. It's been a week and she's already treated you like garbage. 

 

Instead, break UP and go treat yourself to something nice. Hang out with some friends who haven't screwed you over. Go see Frozen 2.

 

This girl was a dud, but there will be more girls that are... like, way better. I think if you're cool with it, an open relationship can work, you just have to remember that the boundaries you set are no less valid simply because you're asexual and a lenient person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Custard Cream

You deserve better than this. Being ace can often mean compromise, but this isn't compromise. You are not being offered the respect that a relationship should involve. Dump them and move on with your head held high.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza

Get rid, seriously. I've been abused, gaslit, controlled and emotionally fucked over for years, but I couldn't leave cos I was too young and dependent. You DO NOT want that. It's been ONE week, don't let it last another.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, taking a break and potentially breaking up certainly sounds for the best. You should communicate that this hurt, and shouldn’t continue with someone that’s hurting you.


The red flag for me is how she’s responded to that: defensively, crying, turning the tables and saying she’s the one hurting. It’s toxic, she needs to get her shit together and not do that to others. I had this happen to me recently and I was furious; I buried that anger and said I didn’t intend to cause pain but I also held my ground and didn’t apologize for saying I was unhappy with someone’s behavior.

 

Do hold your ground, the crying thing isn’t typically a conscious manipulation but it’s a really unacceptable way to handle a situation where someone else has been hurt. c.f. the phenomenon of “white women’s tears” in issues of racial privilege.

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, lilkawaiivampire said:

We're eighteen

ok, look. when you post about questionable relationships  online, internet folk are going to say you are young, there are red flags, break up and don't look back. and a  lot of the time they are jumping the gun. this is not one of those times. this person you accidentally cared about is a toaster strudel and if they accidentally cared about you they would say "I like you, I do not want to hurt you"

 

don't meet with this person at the bargaining table. stake your claim on a world that doesn't contain this level of shenanigans and accept that she doesn't belong there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus the Fox

Yeah as people say here, this isn’t working out, I don’t see any compatibility here.  Seems one is becoming exclusive of the other and the teen years are still wild times sexually for many, regardless of any disorders.  I here the ‘disorders’ as an excuse to go wild at this age, often disrespectful for the genuinely disordered.

 

Friends are not friends if such wish to do that with another friends girl and then brag about it.  That for me... I’d let them both go out of my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lilkawaiivampire

Thank you everyone so much! I freed myself from the toxic relationship. Thank you for all of the advice! It truly helped :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...