Confused by my kink yet also feeling asexual

[Ita25]

So I do have a kink. I don't want anyone to get weirded out, but it's tickling. My ex GF and I used to tickle each other ALL THE TIME. It was honestly 95% of the physical/intimate side of our relationship. I tried joining a tickling fetish community online but honestly it's a little much for me. It's VERY sexual in nature. It's also very hardcore, like non-consensual bondage and torture etc. I'm not into that at all. I enjoy like playful stuff. What I love about it is that it's a way for me and someone I'm dating to make each other laugh and have fun together, and it's also a fun way to be intimate physically. I also always want it to be consensual. I'd never want to feel like anyone is not comfortable or okay with it. 

 

It definitely does cause immediate arousal for me. It's just my natural reaction even if I'm just thinking about it. That's where I get confused. My body and feelings are telling me I'm turned on by this, so wouldn't that be the end of story, I'm not asexual? Well, it's not that simple. If I'm reading a tickling story or watching a video, I'll be enjoying it greatly...until that moment that comes in almost every one, the moment where it turns explicitly sexual. What I mean by that is, it will morph into the people literally having sex, or it will get to a point where they're like "fingering" each other or it will start talking about trying to make each other cum...stuff along those lines. Whenever that happens, I immediately lose whatever arousal I had, feel repulsed, and move on from that content. It just sucks the enjoyment right out of it for me. It can be frustrating. I wish I could find some content that explores this fetish without the explicit sexual parts. 

 

Some people have told me I'm not asexual, I'm just sex-repulsed. I always was under the impression they were kind of the same thing. I'm just not sure. Thanks for listening, I hope this doesn't bother anyone! 

[FaerieFate]

Whether you're asexual or sex-repulsed is for you to decide. Asexual means you're not sexually attracted to anyone. Sex-repulsed means you're turned off by sex. These can occur together or separately. So you can' be a sex-repulsed sexual (IDK how, but I assume that's possible). You can be an asexual that isn't sex-repulsed. Or, you can be a sex-repulsed asexual. (Not "you" as in you specifically, but "you" as in "anyone")

 

But asexuals can also have kinks. I don't experience sexual attraction, so I'm asexual. However, I do have a high libido. I also have kinks. I'm still not sexually attracted to anyone. I don't desire sex with anyone. However, if I were in the situation where I were having sex for whatever reason, kinks help. Or, if I just had to get off because of my high libido. Ya know.

 

A sex-repulsed person could have kinks too. IDK if I'm sex-repulsed or not, honestly. Which would be like "This kink turns me on, but the sex is a huge turn-off."

 

I'm super tired, so I hope this helps. I just saw your thread and figured I could help clarify.

 

I might rewrite this tomorrow or write more to clarify.

[Toby Cat]

This is something that confuses the allosexual community. "I am asexual but I have a kink factor. Therefore I must be gay with a low sex drive!" I've fought against this argument most of my adult life. Albeit I don't have many ace friends, but majority of aces I know are kinky. We can enjoy cuddling, kissing, bondage, puppy play, etc, but when it comes to sex we feel nothing or are repulsed.

 

To be honest I'm a bit surprised by your experiences within the community, because men who are into bdsm in my experience have been the most respectful of my limits. After all the fetish motto is safe, sane and consensual. Just remember that and don't participate in anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

There's nothing wrong with having a fetish (as long as it follows the motto) and kink shaming is a real thing.

[Chihiro]

If I were you, this is how I would analyze the situation if I were in your shoes (I am just giving you pointers). Its upto you, how you feel about your needs and orientation.

 

Say you find a GF who likes tickling. But she tickles you in a way that causes 0 arousal. You would think that there is just one way to tickle, but turns out its not. Like, she will only tickle places that won't cause any arousal. Will you miss out the arousal? Will you teach her how to tickle so that you do get arousal? If the answer is yes, then you are most likely a sexual. Otherwise, you are likely asexual.

 

Now imagine you get a GF who you are very much in love with. She loves you too very much. But she doesn't care much for tickling. She will tickle, but not enough to make you feel aroused. She doesn't understand your need for frequent tickling based arousal. Very rarely she will bother to tickle that will make you feel aroused. Again, would lack of arousal disappoint you? Will you miss the arousal part of tickling? If the answer is yes, then you are most likely sexual. Otherwise, you are likely asexual.

 

Remember that sexuality is a spectrum, and its not limited to PiV, oral, manual, toys etc. You can get very creative in how you practice your sexuality, and chances are, depending on your set of fetishes, that there will be few who share the exact same sexual fetishes. Which is fine, the more you talk about it and create awareness, the more likely you will find sexual partners with similar interests.

[FaerieFate]

51 minutes ago, Toby Cat said:

This is something that confuses the allosexual community. "I am asexual but I have a kink factor. Therefore I must be gay with a low sex drive!" I've fought against this argument most of my adult life. Albeit I don't have many ace friends, but majority of aces I know are kinky. We can enjoy cuddling, kissing, bondage, puppy play, etc, but when it comes to sex we feel nothing or are repulsed.

Because sexuals think "this person got turned on, therefore they must want sex" which is a dangerous president to set, it's often an argument made to prove someone wasn't raped. Getting turned on is a natural body reaction to certain pleasurable stimuli. What makes us asexual is what we want to do when we're turned on (instinctively). I say instinctively because wanting to have sex because you're attracted to someone is different than wanting to have sex because it makes your partner happy and it feels good so why not give it to them? But obviously, most asexuals that I know probably wouldn't look to sex if they're turned on. They may either just deal with it themselves or find it annoying. But some do, just not for sexual reasons.

[Guest]

For me the line is what one wants to do with the arousal... or if it gives sexual gratification in itself. Also where the line is for "sex". 

 

So, my partner and I enjoy tickling. It can be arousing. But, it isn't the arousal that is important and it doesn't give me sexual gratification. However, it can become arousing to the point of being sexual - wanting to tease, eventually wanting release (solo or partnered ). Or just trying to increase the arousal to cause sexual arousal to be gratifying enough. If we do go for release, it is not "sex" as in PiV or oral, its toys or hands. 

 

So if you just happen to get physically aroused by the stimuli of tickling... doesn't mean much. If you want to do anything from it, then examine things further. 

 

As for repulsion, it and asexuality are not the same. Repulsion is independent of orientation. My wife has repulsion but also attraction and desire, so we avoid the repulsive activities.