Children

[Miggs]

Hey Ace community,

 

I have a question about children. 

 

Children are wonderful, I love them and I think I want to be a parent one day. 

 

Question: As an Ace (asexual/lithosexual) individual, potentially Aromantic, with no child rearing experience, I cannot confirm that I would be ready to take on such a role, especially as a person who would most likely be on their own in this matter. Have any of you discovered you were Ace before having children, and did that affect your decision to have them if you realized you would be on your own? And if you decided to have children, what was it that gave you the courage to do so? Did having a significant other strengthen or weaken your stance?

 

Thank you for your input! I'm learning more about my life-goals everyday and to have a child used to be one of them, along with having a partner. Now, I am not so sure about either and I don't know if that is just due to me being Ace or if that is also due to my lack of confidence in myself as a significant other or parent. 

 

Your experience with this is much appreciated!

 

Cheers!

[Grimalkin]

As a nanny who has worked for multiple families: Nobody has a clue what they're doing. 

 

I've considered what I would do if I can't find a life partner. I still love and want children eventually. I imagine the most important thing is to work to securing a job that will either a) pay well enough for good childcare, or b) be easy to do working from home. That's really it. It will be harder raising a child by yourself, but it will be easier than being someone who became a single parent by chance and was not prepared for it. 

 

Also, discipline your kids with solid "no's". If you're black and white in terms of rules and morals when they're little (under 7), it's much easier to be reasonable and lenient when they're older. I worked for a mother who was so guilty and worried about them seeing her as a friend that they ran the house and she couldn't handle them on her own. Something to avoid as a single parent for sure. 

[LeChat]

1 hour ago, Miggs said:

...Children are wonderful, I love them and I think I want to be a parent one day.

Hi. If it helps, I thought I'd mention that this part really sounds as though the idea of being a parent has been important to you for a long while.

 

For me, I've always felt the opposite: growing up, I never imagined or liked the idea of raising kids. It wasn't just due to being bullied by some of my classmates or the fact that I was surrounded by my stressed-out adult relatives with children. The idea just didn't feel right for me; I never "loved" the idea of being a parent or thought that "children are wonderful."

 

It's not that I don't like them. For me, sometimes, when kids would be nice, want help with learning how to skate, or when looking after my younger brother and his friends, they seemed okay. But, it still felt a little awkward for me, being surrounded by them, sort of expected to be the group leader or look after them since I was older than them, etc.; they'd ask questions that I wouldn't know how to answer, etc. Since even being around them, briefly, felt as though it became too overwhelming for me to handle, I definitely didn't feel I'd be a good, successful parent.

[lazypanda]

I have helped raise my younger brother to a large extent(including nappy changes ). I am someone who has lived the "dream" and know it's actually a nightmare. I have vowed to never put myself through that again. 

I am not sure if my asexuality played a role in this decision. It probably has more to do with being disillusioned about the whole "kids are a blessing" hype at a younger age. 

Not that I have anything against kids. But child rearing is a very difficult and energy intensive task that affects another human being, and i'm not sure i am suitable for this kind of task( with all my mental issues, anxiety and temper). Best keep out of it, considering i can't even take care of myself at this point.

[fuzzipueo]

I realized fairly young that children were not part of my life. I just never wanted them. Babysitting for neighbors only enhanced that realization over time, and I think people sensed that because those jobs pretty much dried up after a certain point. I'm much happier being my niece's aunt in any case.

 

I generally don't have any problem with kids, I think they're cute and don't take automatic offense when they're being themselves (hyper/tired crying/etc.).

 

If you do decide to go it alone, make sure you've got a great support structure in place. Someone who might be able to help when things get busy or stressful, a reliable backup baby/kid-sitter, etc.

[JMR]

I grew up being pretty adamant that I wasn’t going to have children. When me and my husband started dating I even warned him upfront that if being a father was something he wanted in the long run that we won’t be a good fit!

 

About 6 months after getting married all of sudden I really wanted to have kids and start a family with him. I don’t know if being with him was a catalyst for that shift, but we are rolling with it! I’ve started working at an elementary school and it’s honestly made it worse! We have no clue what we are doing or how to raise a baby, but we have started putting money aside and are actively planning for it! I’m super excited for it! 

[Miggs]

Thank you everyone for your feedback! I can understand that I may be a loner in this way among other Aces. My long-time friend and roommate, who is also Ace,  wants at least one child and are actively pursing the option. And as you pointed out LeChat I keep thinking about that and wondering if that is the path I would want for myself and have been thinking about kids for a long time. 

 

I have taught children but only for short spurts. And I played a role in my youngest sister's upbringing who is 8 years my junior, similar to your situation lazypanda but probably not exactly the same as i was still able to be my own kid. I also come from a family of five kids (by marriage). 

 

I look at my cousins, my sister's kids and my own familial experience and I can say that I can see how exhausting and mind-numbing parenthood is. So when I think ready, I think of a time in which I am ready emotionally and physically. Financially I am in a good place with a great job. But i am not ready now. 

 

As an Ace I was curious if I was an anomaly and I wanted to hear from the experiences of others like myself. 

 

As for a partner I don't have one and may never have one as I am still figuring out my feelings on romance, but like you JMR, I wouldn't think of having children with another person right away, and for some reason having a child is separate of having a partner for me.

 

If my friend goes through with it I will have a direct experience of helping raise a human being, but i won't have any of the control, which for me will be frustrating or concerning if I disagree with them. Although, both my friend and I have known one another since we were teenagers and we respect each other. But ultimately their parenthood would be something I could piggyback off of experience-wise.  

 

Whether I am a direct parent or a fun aunt I think that I need more experience first to determine what my desire to have a child stems from and determine if that is wise. And I agree Grimalkin, no one is ever truly ready or knows what they are doing. 

 

I have so much I want to do without having someone take up all of my time and energy so that motivates me to continue living as I am now rather than commit to something life consuming such as child-rearing. 

 

It's also possible that I feel intimidated by the idea of not having children, of never having a child of my own to carry on my "legacy" so to speak. But I don't see children as a tool for someone to satisfy a sense of pride or accomplishment. So that feeling is based on my upbringing and ultimately traditional sense of lifestyle and tradition regarding family.

 

I never want to fall into that trap and convince myself of something I don't really want for the sake of tradition or expectation, but I also don't want to deny myself something out of fear or lack of confidence. Child-rearing is a sincere endeavor and I wouldn't want to go into it blind and I would definitely want a strong support system as you suggested fuzzipueo. 

 

Thank you again for your perspective, support and advice. I will continue to think on this for myself. 

[LeChat]

Here are some old posts I've found. There certainly are others like you, here, even if it seems the majority of aces don't want children.

 

 https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164158-want-children-in-the-next-5-years/?tab=comments#comment-1062565050

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/180862-how-do-you-feel-about-never-having-a-family-of-your-own/?do=findComment&comment=1063178094

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/180862-how-do-you-feel-about-never-having-a-family-of-your-own/?do=findComment&comment=1063196486

 

 

 

[white silver]

I would love to have my on children one day , I'm even thinking of adopting if I can't find a partner to share my life with.  😊

[Elfi]

I started a the other end of this question 😊

 

I am a mom of two kids (6/9 years) and I only figured out  my being asexual over the last two years.

I always wanted to have a family (aka kids and a partner) and I have it. But after my second birth I knew I was finished with that plan and what little interest I had in sex died a quick death. I can't say it has been easy on my marriage (or what is left of it), but I don't regret my decision to have children.

 

But it definitely put me into a place that made me think about my sexuality and gender, since I felt being "mom" was surprisingly restrictive. I also don't think one needs a partner to raise a child (or more), but what is needed is some sort of support network be it friends or grandparents.

 

Last but not least "being ready" for a child is a myth (at least in my opinion). You never know, how you will feel about being a parent, how your child will be or how it will impact your life (be it social, financial or practical). The only thing one can really be ready for is being open to change your life to make place for a tiny being wholly dependent on you.

[Miggs]

14 hours ago, Elfi said:

I started a the other end of this question 😊

 

I am a mom of two kids (6/9 years) and I only figured out  my being asexual over the last two years.

I always wanted to have a family (aka kids and a partner) and I have it. But after my second birth I knew I was finished with that plan and what little interest I had in sex died a quick death. I can't say it has been easy on my marriage (or what is left of it), but I don't regret my decision to have children.

 

But it definitely put me into a place that made me think about my sexuality and gender, since I felt being "mom" was surprisingly restrictive. I also don't think one needs a partner to raise a child (or more), but what is needed is some sort of support network be it friends or grandparents.

 

Last but not least "being ready" for a child is a myth (at least in my opinion). You never know, how you will feel about being a parent, how your child will be or how it will impact your life (be it social, financial or practical). The only thing one can really be ready for is being open to change your life to make place for a tiny being wholly dependent on you.

Thank you so much for your perspective! This really helps! I know I want to have kids, but I also want to give them the best of myself. So my goals pre-parenthood are to do all the activities I can't do without them. Then start making new goals for what I would like to do with them, and allow room for change on those goals. Hearing from someone who has had your experience helps me a lot too!

[Miggs]

On 11/26/2019 at 4:35 PM, LeChat said:

Here are some old posts I've found. There certainly are others like you, here, even if it seems the majority of aces don't want children.

 

 https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164158-want-children-in-the-next-5-years/?tab=comments#comment-1062565050

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/180862-how-do-you-feel-about-never-having-a-family-of-your-own/?do=findComment&comment=1063178094

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/180862-how-do-you-feel-about-never-having-a-family-of-your-own/?do=findComment&comment=1063196486

 

Thank you so much! I will check these conversations out! That's really awesome of you to look for these!

[Miggs]

21 hours ago, white silver said:

I would love to have my on children one day , I'm even thinking of adopting if I can't find a partner to share my life with.  😊

This is something I have been considering. Adoption is a very difficult path due to all the restrictions and strict requirements here in the US. But that has been on my mind for a long time. I haven't consider artificial insemination as much because something about that makes me feel "Ick". But at the same time it's a completely safe, viable and affordable process compared to adoption. So that may be my route. At this point I am still figuring out the when more than the how. Although, I should reverse those if I am seriously considering adoption. They won't let people of a certain age adopt. Thank you for your perspective! It definitely makes me feel less alone. 

[Sally]

Many people think that their experience as teachers/babysitters/siblings/etc. will give them a head-start being parents.  Ha.  We're all pretty equally stunned by the difficulty of parenting once we have a child.  You as an asexual will have no more difficulties than anyone else.  

[Homer]

A few of my friends do have children. They all told me that it's one of the things you can't prepare for. You can read books, babysit or own pets all you want, raising a child is a totally different ballgame.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Sally said:

Many people think that their experience as teachers/babysitters/siblings/etc. will give them a head-start being parents.  Ha.  We're all pretty equally stunned by the difficulty of parenting once we have a child.  You as an asexual will have no more difficulties than anyone else.  

Honestly, experience as a teacher should let you know each kid is different and even a small task can be a chore, so expect to have no clue and figure it out as you go with constant critical thinking skills required. 😛

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

 

[Sally]

5 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

Ive, of course, faced the parental insistence/demand for grandkids and Ive developed, in a way, a sense of disgust at the idea that Im thought of as nothing more than a walking bag of sperm for the amusement and social rat race trophy hunt of bringing kids into this world. And they say millenials act like entitled brats.  

It's unlikely that your parents/other family members think of you as only a bag of sperm.  But since you're the one who can provide grandchildren, who else are they going to ask?

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[Sally]

6 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

Well, comments like "when are you going to hurry up and give me a grandchild!? Everyone else already has one" and more creepily, trying to deliberately next to set me up with someone or making comments on how I should give (insert person) a chance isnt exactly winning them any points. 

 

Besides, if their so desperate now, they may have thought it through a little more when they hammered the idea of "No sex ever"; not that it would have helped them much, but at the very least, there wouldnt be that  bad taste left behind.

You're expecting them to be logical.   Expecting anyone to be logical makes things more difficult.  😉

[Lord Jade Cross]

.

[Janus the Fox]

I’ve never had a mothering or furthering side of me at any point in time, it’s a sensory challenge and can’t legally be under the care of any children, being in the care system myself.

 

Interestingly with recognising a few faces in school having kids early having teenage kids now and those kids having kids themselves... Being a grandparent at or before age 30 is a foreign concept to me.

[APhilosopher]

Personally, I always thought that I don't want kids. However, I have this tendency of doubting myself constantly that leads me to think rather deeply about many topics. 

I'm too young to be asked to procreate, but I've breached the topic before and been told that I'll change my mind once I have some. Like they didn't hear what I just said. '-'

I mean it could happen, but I doubt it. Either way I've come to question myself on this topic. And I haven't changed my mind yet. Left it to future me to handle.

so, if you decide to have a kid here's my thoughts:

I think it's important to realise that your kid isn't your property and that even though you'll be a parent all your life, it won't always be your main function. I mean at first it may seem that way, but at some point, you'll stop being the center of their world, and they should stop being the center of yours. It seems to me that parents often find a sense of entitlement there. In the end, you put a lot of work and money, etc. into their existence, but they aren't forced to reciprocate that...

I also think that when you're trying to find the right way to raise them, rather than look at how others are raising their kids, how your family did it for you, how you thought you would have liked to be raised or how some magasine says you should, you should be asking your kid, not necessarily verbally, but you should think about what is best for your child: not what you think is best for them, not what is best for your child, but what is best for the being called ... that you are trying to raise to be the best they can be. After all, not all kids are the same.

[MrDane]

I will just step away from the part about how to come from being childless to actually be a parent. My own ace-wife is somewhat aromantic. Sometimes a bit more towards me as I am also sexual, and a touch is on the sexual scale. ...but as there is only love and nothing sexual between her and our children, her peopleshyness, distance, no-touch aromanticism is complete gone. She kisses, cuddles, hugs, sits close...      I am very happy about that, and a bit jealoux.

 

[Earendil]

I'm a 33 year old virgin asexual and I'm currently in the middle of an IUI cycle using donor sperm, with the intention of becoming a Single Mother By Choice, as they call us. I've been thinking about it for a few years but even now I'm not 100% sure I want kids, I never will be! I also share your concerns about my ability to be a parent, I even doubt my ability to love. So I'm not sure I can offer much advice but I'm here if you want to talk about it