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correlophus

New here-- need some help

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correlophus

Since I was in highschool I had no interest whatsoever having sex with my boyfriend. He kept telling me "just trust me everyones doing it." I was so anxious about performing for him that even when I forced it I didn't enjoy it. Later in college, I was taken advantage of by someone I thought who loved me. Multiple times. He was upset I wasn't interested and verbally and mentally abused me for it. So I tried to perform how he wanted to keep the relationship going because it was "my fault." 

 

Now, I've recently left another relationship because he thought sex was a critical part of the relationship. Again, I forced myself to try to make it work. He constantly argued with me and claimed I didn't actually love him. We dated for about 2 years and I still couldn't find myself ready to go when he wanted.

 

I've chalked it up to not being with the right person but even if I think about it I just don't really have any interest in having sex and I'm genuinely worried about future relationships.  The common denominator in any of my relationships because I'm the one to cut it off. At least I know I wasn't being treated right I guess. 

 

Any advice or comments would be appreciated. I'm new here too so please be patient with me. I'm just looking for some thoughts. 

 

Thanks everyone. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

That's rough, I'm sorry you had to go through that. (definitely not your fault. you are who you are)

It's really unfortunate that a lot of guys are very much into sex. Though that can change a bit as they get older, but you definitely shouldn't have to perform for them when you dont feel like it, unless you really really love them and can get into it just for them, but even then they should be understanding..

If you know that youre asexual to some degree, then that would be something to talk about with your partner. They need to understand how you are, and if they love you for you then they'll stay with you. It's better that they know, or else you might end up in similar situations. If they're into sex beyond what you're comfortable with, then they may just not be right for you.

It's unfortunate, but that's how being asexual or different in some way will change things, but it's better to find someone that does work for you.
❤️
 

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Memento1

Geez, I'm sorry.  Sounds like you've had a series of jerk boyfriends - none of them responded in a mature and emotionally intelligent way.  Frankly men sometimes mature with age so you may have better luck as you get older and date more mature men.  Be on the lookout for early warning signs of anger and inability to regulate frustration.

 

If you're not already seeing one, a good counselor could help.  It sounds like a common thread in your relationships is you being a compulsory people-pleaser, and you need to break that cycle if you're to have a healthy relationship.  How you feel about sex is secondary to how you feel about yourself.

 

Honestly, I would state upfront with any new romantic interest how you feel about sex, however you want to phrase it.  That can be a firm boundary like "I don't want any sex at all," or something more open but still assertive like "I have a very low sex drive" or "I have a lot of unease about sex and I don't know if or how much I'd want it."  This culls most prospects with high sex drive / those that will be highly upset if there's not a heavy chance at regular sex.  It's not a death sentence to forming a relationship.  I put on my dating profile that I'm demisexual and have a very low sex drive, and I still get lots of interest.  There are men who will not be pushy about sex and would love to help you figure yourself out, no matter where it leads.

 

I understand what it's like when you form a depressing story in your head based on past experiences, and how hard it is to change that script.  I had so many shitty, controlling bosses and been rejected from jobs so many times I have a script built up that it's no use applying to jobs because I'll just get rejected, and if I don't, the job will still be terrible.  It's incredibly hard to try to change that script and overcome my aversion because all my experiences back up that story.  Good social support who can share different experiences (friends, family, support groups) can be incredibly helpful.

 

But really, find a good counselor.  :) After so many men tearing it down, it's not weak to get help building back up your self esteem - it's just evening the playing field.

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Serran

It's hard to say if you're ace or not based on this. But, none of them responded right. And, I had similar experiences of forcing it to be "normal". After I finally found a great partner that doesn't force me, I developed desire and sex is a good part of our relationship. But, I was 30 before that happened. 

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