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ArthurLee

I haven't seen a lot of content for allosexual aromantics

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ArthurLee

I haven't seen a lot of content for allosexual aromantics anwhere, and I thought there would be some more here. I couldn't find much, so I thought I'd make some! If there are alloaro forums I hadn't seen, please link them lol. Anyway, what are your experiences being alloaro?

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Life Of Tass

@DistressedAro, this thread might interest you!

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A. Miles
1 hour ago, ArthurLee said:

I haven't seen a lot of content for allosexual aromantics anwhere, and I thought there would be some more here. I couldn't find much, so I thought I'd make some! If there are alloaro forums I hadn't seen, please link them lol. Anyway, what are your experiences being alloaro?

My experience being alloaro, and more specifically, a lesbian aro, has been interesting. Something I've noticed is that lesbians, overall, seem to more romance driven and less sex driven than straight people and gay men. This is especially apparent when you look at dating and hookup apps. While there is a plethora of both for straight people and a decent number as well for gay men, there seems to be a rather sizeable lack of hookup apps in comparison to dating apps for lesbians. Something to keep in mind of course is that not all dating and hookup apps are orientation exclusive, and that can affect how many lesbian specific ones there are

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A. Miles
32 minutes ago, Life Of Tass said:

@DistressedAro, this thread might interest you!

Thanks for pointing it out! :)

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Philip027

I'm not sure you will find a lot of "content" in this regard because the whole "wanting sex but not wanting all the gooey romantic stuff that comes along with it" thing is something that gets normalized a lot in society (probably especially among males), for better or worse.

 

Either way, I don't think it's something that's nearly as unknown (or potentially ostracized) as asexuality is.

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LeChat

:) Hi. There's Arocalypse, a forum for all types of aro people; I've seen a few sexual aromantics post there.

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Laurann

I haven't seen a lot of that type of content either, but I remember this one video by a girl who (at least used to, not sure if she still does) identified as an aromantic bisexual

Spoiler

 

 

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Lonemathsytoothbrushthief
2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm not sure you will find a lot of "content" in this regard because the whole "wanting sex but not wanting all the gooey romantic stuff that comes along with it" thing is something that gets normalized a lot in society (probably especially among males), for better or worse.

 

Either way, I don't think it's something that's nearly as unknown (or potentially ostracized) as asexuality is.

Hello I am here to announce my existence as an allosexual bisexual demiromantic person who has issues with sex lmao 😅 just to clarify that being sexually attracted to others does not necessarily mean wanting sex, it can also mean being extremely frustrated.

 

Tbf I'm still not sure I'm allosexual.

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ArthurLee
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3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm not sure you will find a lot of "content" in this regard because the whole "wanting sex but not wanting all the gooey romantic stuff that comes along with it" thing is something that gets normalized a lot in society (probably especially among males), for better or worse.

 

Either way, I don't think it's something that's nearly as unknown (or potentially ostracized) as asexuality is.

I only pointed this out because I have been bullied and lost multiple friendships over my aromanticism, and the people on AVEN haven't exactly been super inclusive. I don't even really "want" sex, I just am attracted to people and instantly seen as predatory and gross. I have three ace friends, one of whom is also aro, and they're all accepted for being ace, while I'm exclusively accepted for being bi and my aro identity goes unacknowledged. That's just my experience but idk

 

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Philip027

I have to wonder what kinds of friendships (what kinds of people with which to have a friendship, more specifically) people are even having in order to find themselves losing said friendships over their asexuality/aromanticism, to be perfectly honest.

 

I'm not saying it can't happen and I know people can be total dicks about the strangest things, but it just seems so odd to me when pretty much nobody I've ever been friends with really cared about that aspect of me.  If anything, it got some sort of "oh, that's weird/lucky/cool/makes sense" acknowledgment, and then it pretty much never comes up again unless I bring it up again specifically.

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maybeimamazed

I identified as aromantic bisexual for a couple of months until I found out that aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction are different things.

 

I'm still way more confident in my aromanticism than I am in my asexuality.

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Laurann

@ArthurLee I'm sorry to hear that. On AVEN it's not acceptable to describe sexual people as 'predatory and gross.' 'Asexual elitism' is specifically disallowed in the ToS. If you see this happen on AVEN again, be sure to report it. It's important for aromantic people to feel welcome on AVEN too.

 

If I were you I would talk to your friends and let them know that the way they dismiss your romantic orientation is hurtful to you. I'm sure they wouldn't want to intentionally hurt you (if they would, maybe it's time to find new friends).

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A. Miles
6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

the whole "wanting sex but not wanting all the gooey romantic stuff that comes along with it" thing is something that gets normalized a lot

Wanting sex without attachments is not the same thing as being alloaro. Just because someone is allo that doesn't mean they want sex, it just means they experience some kind of sexual attraction. Just because someone is aro that doesn't mean they don't want relationships, it just means they don't experience romantic attraction. It is not a matter of "want". Some aros want to be in relationships and some allos can't have sex due to trauma or simply don't want it. Morality and personal values have nothing to do with it. Being aro does not make someone shallow, or selfish, or whatever else and I'm tired of people assuming that just because I'm an alloaro that means all I care about is sex. I've been out as aro for a very short amount of time and damn near every time I explain it to someone that is what is assumed or asked. One can not determine morality from something that does not affect it

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Philip027
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Just because someone is allo that doesn't mean they want sex,

Let's be honest here though, that usually IS what it means.

 

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it just means they experience some kind of sexual attraction.

I don't really see the difference tbh.  What IS sexual attraction if it's not some part of you desiring sexual activity with someone in at least some fashion?

 

I've asked this question countless times on the forums and not once has it received a satisfactory answer.

 

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Just because someone is aro that doesn't mean they don't want relationships,

Again, let's be honest; that usually is what it means.  Just because exceptions to the rule exist does not mean the rule isn't usually correct.

 

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Being aro does not make someone shallow, or selfish, or whatever else and I'm tired of people assuming that just because I'm an alloaro that means all I care about is sex.

Uhh, I think you're veering off into tangents I didn't imply myself, there.  Chip on your shoulder, perhaps?

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A. Miles
1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

I don't really see the difference tbh. What IS sexual attraction if it's not some part of you desiring sexual activity with someone in at least some fashion?

 

Uhh, I think you're veering off into tangents I didn't imply myself, there.

You're right, it was a tangent. However, you made a implication that being alloaro is directly tied with casual sex, and that is largely what my response was addressing. Misconceptions about alloaros was my focus and admittedly towards the end it did veer into a rant about the false assumptions people have made about my morals/ personal values just because I'm aro.

 

To answer your question about the difference between wanting sex and feeling sexual attraction, here's 2 examples: a straight person pledges themselves to abstinence for religious reasons. They are still attracted to the opposite sex, they just don't want to engage in sexual activities. Another example are people that have experienced sexual trauma, such as me. I'm still attracted to women, there are just certain parts of sex that I don't want/can't engage in due to it being triggering. And some people just aren't interested in sex even if they experience attraction regardless

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Philip027
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You're right, it was a tangent. However, you made a implication that being alloaro is directly tied with casual sex,

No, what I said is that society pretty much normalizes "wanting sex but without the romance" thing (casual sex might fall under that sort of category, but that is by no means the only such way one might go about fulfilling that), and because of that it's unlikely most "alloaros" are going to be off in the corner pondering how different they are and making "content" on the internet about it (unlike, say, asexuals) because most of them probably don't think of themselves as that unusual, because... they kinda aren't.

 

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here's 2 examples: a straight person pledges themselves to abstinence for religious reasons. They are still attracted to the opposite sex, they just don't want to engage in sexual activities.

Actually, that IS still wanting sex, to at least some degree.  You abstain from something when you actually do want it, but refrain from partaking in it because of Reasons.  That's literally what abstaining from something means.  You can't abstain from something you never wanted to begin with.  Abstaining implies some degree of effort is being made to avoid partaking in whatever it is you're abstaining from.

 

Similarly, wanting something doesn't necessarily mean you'll always partake in it if given the chance.  People have the agency to override their wants; that's precisely why they are classified as wants instead of needs.  It's also the only reason why any diets have any remote chance of actually working (even if most "diets" are still garbage, but I digress)

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Sithgroundhog
6 hours ago, DistressedAro said:

They are still attracted to the opposite sex, they just don't want to engage in sexual activities.

Not to interfere with this argument, but I've heard this claim a lot on AVEN to combate the desire definition of asexuality, so I wanted to explain (though it looks like Philip might have beat me to it). 

 

Those of us who use the desire definition will sometimes use "want" as a shorthand. But we mean intrinsic desire. That your body, mind, soul, whatever is telling you that you want to have sex. It doesn't matter if you're also saying "No, I'm devoted to god and therefore won't have sex." It doesn't matter if you're scared of XYZ having to do with sex (though fear of sex can coexist with asexuality) because of a trauma. If you are sexually attracted to a person, you "want" to have sex with them, even if there's something stopping you or getting in your way (such as a physical disability making sex impossible, painful, etc.).

 

This is to counteract those who say "I want to have sex to please my partner" or "I want to have biological kids, so I want sex." Those things aren't wanting sex, they're wanting the end result: a partner's pleasure or children. 

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maybeimamazed

@Philip027 I gotta say, man... it's interesting that you seem bothered by alloaros considering themselves "unusual" when you yourself have 'demi' in the description of your sexuality.

 

Demiromanticism and demisexuality are the most USUAL things on the planet and yet y'all still consider yourselves to be some oppresed minority. So you need to form an emotional bond before you feel sexual or romantic attraction? Wow, how weird.

 

Not desiring a romantic relationship sticks out way more than not wanting sex, for the simple fact that society at large doesn't have a damn clue whether or not you're having sex behind closed doors. What they see and judge is who you're dating. I'm officially aroace, but for all my coworkers know I might be having sex every night with every hot person that crosses my path. I'm still the only person in my circle of friends that doesn't have a partner or spouse though and that sticks out like a sore thumb.

 

The split model of attraction is only a thing in the ace community, for a good reason.

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Philip027
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Demiromanticism and demisexuality are the most USUAL things on the planet and yet y'all still consider yourselves to be some oppresed minority.

Excuse me; when did I ever say demisexuality was unusual, or imply that I/we feel oppressed?  I don't appreciate you putting words in my mouth like that.  It sounds like you too have a chip on your shoulder.

 

A little suggestion for the future: if you ever find yourself writing "y'all" you should probably reread what you write immediately after it, because very often I've found the word to precede something very stereotypical, bigoted, or outright incorrect.  It comes across a lot to me like someone preemptively putting their foot in their mouth before they've even said the offending words.

 

I too think demisexuality is rather common in society; maybe not the most common, but it's certainly out there; most people just don't think to name it (or that it deserves a name)
 

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Not desiring a romantic relationship sticks out way more than not wanting sex, for the simple fact that society at large doesn't have a damn clue whether or not you're having sex behind closed doors.

I think the opposite is true, really.  I've seen many people admit that they do not want a romantic relationship without most people batting an eyelid (people can accept that relationships can be burdensome, or that they like their independence, or whatever), but someone that says they don't want sex are typically questioned far more, whether it's along the lines of curiosity, "what's wrong with THEM?" wonderings, or just outright disbelief.  People seem far less able to fathom how someone can possibly not be into sex, but someone not being into romance is far more believable.  For some reason, sex is regarded a lot like chocolate; it's so nearly-universally liked that they can't possibly fathom why someone would not like it, unless they're allergic to it or something.  I simply don't see romance getting quite the same treatment as sex in this regard.

 

Society at large doesn't really care if you're in a romantic relationship or not btw, unless maybe if you're a celebrity.

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Laurann

Please remain civil and do not attack others or assume you know what other people go through based on their identities. Each person's circumstances and experiences are different.

 

Laurann,

moderator

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maybeimamazed
57 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Excuse me; when did I ever say demisexuality was unusual, or imply that I/we feel oppressed?  I don't appreciate you putting words in my mouth like that.  It sounds like you too have a chip on your shoulder.

 

A little suggestion for the future: if you ever find yourself writing "y'all" you should probably reread what you write immediately after it, because very often I've found the word to precede something very stereotypical, bigoted, or outright incorrect.  It comes across a lot to me like someone preemptively putting their foot in their mouth before they've even said the offending words.

 

I too think demisexuality is rather common in society; maybe not the most common, but it's certainly out there; most people just don't think to name it (or that it deserves a name)
 

Since you started posting in this thread you've adopted a dismissive "you guys aren't special" tone, so I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy.

 



I think the opposite is true, really.  I've seen many people admit that they do not want a romantic relationship without most people batting an eyelid (people can accept that relationships can be burdensome, or that they like their independence, or whatever), but someone that says they don't want sex are typically questioned far more, whether it's along the lines of curiosity, "what's wrong with THEM?" wonderings, or just outright disbelief.  People seem far less able to fathom how someone can possibly not be into sex, but someone not being into romance is far more believable.  For some reason, sex is regarded a lot like chocolate; it's so nearly-universally liked that they can't possibly fathom why someone would not like it, unless they're allergic to it or something.  I simply don't see romance getting quite the same treatment as sex in this regard.

 

Society at large doesn't really care if you're in a romantic relationship or not btw, unless maybe if you're a celebrity.

 

First of all, who the hell openly discusses their sex life with their circle of acquaintances? That's just weird.

 

But ok. Let's presume the average person would strike up a conversation with a coworker while getting coffee about how they don't experience sexual attraction.

Coworker: "That's weird, dude. What's wrong with you?"

 

Now let's look at situation B...

 

Coworker: "So are you bringing your significant other to our get-together tonight?"

You: "No. I don't have a significant other".

Coworker: "Oh. That's OK. You'll find someone".

You: "Actually, I... don't think I will. I don't really feel that way about other people".

 

What do you think the coworker would reply to that? "I see. That's perfectly normal and understandable"?

Come on.

 

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Philip027
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Since you started posting in this thread you've adopted a dismissive "you guys aren't special" tone, so I'm just pointing out the hypocrisy.

Pointing out hypocrisy works better when you can cite something the other person actually said.

 

As for "you guys aren't special" (which is another thing I never actually said), you can twist my words all you like.  The bottom line is that society does account for people interested in sex but not romance a hell of a lot better than they account for people not interested in sex.  Prostitution, ONS, FWB, etc et al would all not really be Things if this weren't the case.

 

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First of all, who the hell openly discusses their sex life with their circle of acquaintances? That's just weird.

I agree that it's weird, but it does still happen quite a lot.  I was made to feel uncomfortable in many social settings because of this.

 

Quote

 

Coworker: "So are you bringing your significant other to our get-together tonight?"

You: "No. I don't have a significant other".

Coworker: "Oh. That's OK. You'll find someone".

You: "Actually, I... don't think I will. I don't really feel that way about other people".

 

What do you think the coworker would reply to that? "I see. That's perfectly normal and understandable"?

Come on.

 

I think you're a lot more likely to get that sort of a reply about this than you would be about sex, particularly once you explain your reasons why you don't want that sort of a partnership.  People however are a lot less likely to believe that someone wouldn't want sex, because "everyone wants it".

 

To put in my own anecdotal experience on the matter, I haven't had people challenge my statements that I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship.  I have had people challenge my disinterest in sex, though.

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A. Miles
2 hours ago, maybeimamazed said:

Not desiring a romantic relationship sticks out way more than not wanting sex, for the simple fact that society at large doesn't have a damn clue whether or not you're having sex behind closed doors. What they see and judge is who you're dating. I'm officially aroace, but for all my coworkers know I might be having sex every night with every hot person that crosses my path. I'm still the only person in my circle of friends that doesn't have a partner or spouse though and that sticks out like a sore thumb

Thank you for adding this. You're absolutely right

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Laurann

Locking this thread for 24 hours, because it had become heated. Remember to remain civil in your responses, and consider stepping away from a thread if it is frustrating you. The OP has been contacted.

Laurann,

moderator

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Laurann

Topic is now open. Please remember to keep your responses civil. If there are future incidents of personal attacks, or anything else against the ToS, the topic will be locked permanently. 

Laurann,

Moderator

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ArthurLee

So this thread kinda got messed up, let's backtrack! this was originally for alloaro people to share their experiences, so if anyone if here to debate would you mind unfollowing? thank you!

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BeakLove

 

On 11/26/2019 at 10:40 PM, DistressedAro said:

Wanting sex without attachments is not the same thing as being alloaro. Just because someone is allo that doesn't mean they want sex, it just means they experience some kind of sexual attraction. Just because someone is aro that doesn't mean they don't want relationships, it just means they don't experience romantic attraction. It is not a matter of "want". Some aros want to be in relationships and some allos can't have sex due to trauma or simply don't want it. Morality and personal values have nothing to do with it. Being aro does not make someone shallow, or selfish, or whatever else and I'm tired of people assuming that just because I'm an alloaro that means all I care about is sex.

This is meant in good faith: but surely wanting sex, but explicitly not wanting relationships attached is exactly what the "allo aro" term implies. Why would you enter into a committed relationship with a sexual partner without having the affectional and intimate bond? Perhaps pragmatic reasons?? But surely the whole motivation of the aromantic term is to describe people who do not desire nor engage in the types of relationships that are predicated on romantic attachment. They are presumably happy being more independent, with looser, less demanding, and less intimate friendships, and in the case of an so-called "allosexual", sex with uncommitted partners. 

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A. Miles
2 hours ago, BeakLove said:

 

This is meant in good faith: but surely wanting sex, but explicitly not wanting relationships attached is exactly what the "allo aro" term implies. Why would you enter into a committed relationship with a sexual partner without having the affectional and intimate bond? Perhaps pragmatic reasons?? But surely the whole motivation of the aromantic term is to describe people who do not desire nor engage in the types of relationships that are predicated on romantic attachment. They are presumably happy being more independent, with looser, less demanding, and less intimate friendships, and in the case of an so-called "allosexual", sex with uncommitted partners. 

I completely understand and agree. Essentially the point that I was trying to make was that alloaro people don't just care about people for sex. The idea that we just want sex and nothing else is what I'm trying to combat, because that is a hurtful assumption. To answer your first question, one reason could be that you want a steady sexual partner. It makes sense to have someone you know and can rely on without the worry of catching a disease and other dangers that would come with having sex with strangers. The thing is, some aro people do want romantic relationships even if they don't feel it. It's understandable, after all it is an easy source of companionship and affection, something that most people regardless need. A qpr isn't the most realistic option for a lot of us, as most people want more than a close platonic relationship in life. 

(Side note about the less intimate friendships, I'd say my friendships are probably more loving and affectionate than most actually. But I'm a very tactile person and I love to show my affection to o my friends with hugs, cuddling, etc. That's probably just something that varies from person to person)

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