Any other aros mindblown by the realisation that squishes aren't actually crushes?

[metelyk]

Hello!

 

After a lot of thought and discussions with friends I have come to realise that I am on the aromantic spectrum. This was crazy to realise because I always thought I was a very romantic person. I like the idea of romance (although I never enjoyed it in practise) and throughout my life I have had so. many. crushes... or at least, I thought they were crushes. As it turns out, crushes are not something you decide to have because all your friends have one, and they are also not something you can decide to stop having from one moment to the next, just because you don't want them anymore. Also, apparently having a crush does not mean "I really want to get to know this person, and I suppose I would let them kiss me if they insisted, but why should that be the point? I just want us to hang out". It seems that what I experience is instead chosen interests (chosen because of the pressure to like someone and eventually have a relationship), and squishes, which explains why I "crushed" on almost every single one of my friends... they weren't crushes, I just really liked them platonically.

 

Still, it has been strange to realise, because it feels like my entire perception of the world has changed. Like I was suddenly told I can't see the colour red and what I thought was red is actually yellow. So, I was wondering if any other aro/arospec people can relate to this experience? I hear a lot about people always knowing their crushes were different from others', so I would love to know if anyone else was as obtuse as me.

 

(To be fair, I have a history of not realising my experiences are not universal. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and when I started treatment, I was surprised by how much better I felt. Until then I had assumed this level of everyday pain was normal, and everyone else felt this way too, they were simply better at coping with it. Sigh.)

[Ess-Kat]

I can relate to this in a way. In school, I use to want to get close to people and know them better. Mainly cause I knew we liked one or two things and could talk about it. People told me it was a crush, but it didn't quite feel like it was ( just from what I read crushes feel like) . I didn't want to kiss them or go on a date, that thought made me feel out of place; like it didn't make me excited just bored. I just wanted really close friends. Hope this answered the question. Also wanted to say Hi 😃

[Galactic Turtle]

I become a huge fan for the K-pop group TVXQ back in 2008 at the beginning of high school. My mom told me that my favorite member of this boyband would be the template for what I'd be looking for in a partner (that combined with the qualities of my father) because "that's how things work." I have a great amount of respect for my father and a great amount of respect for my favorite member of this K-pop group so I literally went the bulk of my teenage years and early twenties thinking "a crush is when you respect someone of the opposite sex who your parents would also like." That was before I got the memo that sex before marriage was the norm, women actually had sex because they wanted to, and before how I knew relationships in general tended to operate. That was also before someone who I did respect who my parents would also like began trying to court me and I was really distressed as to why I didn't like it.

 

Turns out there is some truth to romance as it is portrayed in media! Turns out my friends weren't just faking things all along! Turns out respecting people and wanting to be with someone is very different! Turns out.... I'm not attracted to anyone. 

 

While I've never had any use for the word "squish," I do have urges to grow my friendship these days with some people I meet and my heart feels very full when I think our relationship has progressed towards a stronger friendship.... like even reading over how recent text conversations with them have gone and internally squealing because when you meet people you can relate with it's a special thing, even if it is platonic.

[crazy ace]

2 hours ago, metelyk said:

Hello!

 

After a lot of thought and discussions with friends I have come to realise that I am on the aromantic spectrum. This was crazy to realise because I always thought I was a very romantic person. I like the idea of romance (although I never enjoyed it in practise) and throughout my life I have had so. many. crushes... or at least, I thought they were crushes. As it turns out, crushes are not something you decide to have because all your friends have one, and they are also not something you can decide to stop having from one moment to the next, just because you don't want them anymore. Also, apparently having a crush does not mean "I really want to get to know this person, and I suppose I would let them kiss me if they insisted, but why should that be the point? I just want us to hang out". It seems that what I experience is instead chosen interests (chosen because of the pressure to like someone and eventually have a relationship), and squishes, which explains why I "crushed" on almost every single one of my friends... they weren't crushes, I just really liked them platonically.

 

Still, it has been strange to realise, because it feels like my entire perception of the world has changed. Like I was suddenly told I can't see the colour red and what I thought was red is actually yellow. So, I was wondering if any other aro/arospec people can relate to this experience? I hear a lot about people always knowing their crushes were different from others', so I would love to know if anyone else was as obtuse as me.

 

(To be fair, I have a history of not realising my experiences are not universal. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and when I started treatment, I was surprised by how much better I felt. Until then I had assumed this level of everyday pain was normal, and everyone else felt this way too, they were simply better at coping with it. Sigh.)

Heh, this is pretty much the story of my life.

[ArthurLee]

Quote

3 hours ago, metelyk said:

 As it turns out, crushes are not something you decide to have because all your friends have one, and they are also not something you can decide to stop having from one moment to the next, just because you don't want them anymore. Also, apparently having a crush does not mean "I really want to get to know this person, and I suppose I would let them kiss me if they insisted, but why should that be the point? I just want us to hang out". It seems that what I experience is instead chosen interests (chosen because of the pressure to like someone and eventually have a relationship), and squishes, which explains why I "crushed" on almost every single one of my friends... they weren't crushes, I just really liked them platonically.

This is how I was in primary school! I'd pick a boy (and later on more likely a girl) to "like" based on an arbitrary list of qualities that I thought were important. When I first was sexually attracted to someone I was so confused because I thought attraction was a choice lol

 

[metelyk]

Thank you for your answers! I am glad to know I'm not alone in this experience!

 

5 hours ago, ArthurLee said:

This is how I was in primary school! I'd pick a boy (and later on more likely a girl) to "like" based on an arbitrary list of qualities that I thought were important. When I first was sexually attracted to someone I was so confused because I thought attraction was a choice lol

That last part sounds very similar to me on the rare occasions (twice? I think? I'm still confused) I had a real crush. I was confused and annoyed because it didn't go away when I wanted it to, and it was so intense I thought I had developed anxiety. I'm actually glad I hardly ever get that, lol.

 

8 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Turns out there is some truth to romance as it is portrayed in media! Turns out my friends weren't just faking things all along! Turns out respecting people and wanting to be with someone is very different! Turns out.... I'm not attracted to anyone.

*everyone on the aromantic spectrum gasps collectively* Who would have thought? (No, seriously: who would have thought? :P)

[Janus the Fox]

Mind blown that any crushes or squishes ever existed such as those feelings are noting in particular.  The lack of anything going on with my own relationship is mind opening in direct comparison with any written experiences anywhere else on the internet.

[nothingbutbosh]

On 11/26/2019 at 7:05 PM, metelyk said:

This was crazy to realise because I always thought I was a very romantic person. I like the idea of romance (although I never enjoyed it in practise) and throughout my life I have had so. many. crushes... or at least, I thought they were crushes.

Oh boy, is this a funny story to tell. It brings a smile on my face that this is a shared experience by others around the world. I also used to think that I had crushes before, although somewhere in the back of my head, which got ignored, I did note that I never actually reacted like how "crushes" usually guarantee responses and being near them made me happier but if they weren't around, it was like "Aw shucks, but oh well, move on. Let's hope to see them again." I didn't really know how to put a word to the feeling so I thought "Hey, must be a crush!"

Was slightly confused because even though it was a 'crush' I could never envision myself in the future dating them or anything. It was just "I like this person more than usual person and want to be around them more." (kinda sound like middle school relationships lol. Which would explain some of the confusion I felt back then distinguishing what I felt.) 

 

On 11/26/2019 at 7:05 PM, metelyk said:

Also, apparently having a crush does not mean "I really want to get to know this person, and I suppose I would let them kiss me if they insisted, but why should that be the point? I just want us to hang out".

I burst out laughing at this because it pretty much sums up my thought process. That magical epiphany I had when I found out what a squish was (through a youtuber) and then searching up and finding a whole haven of people like me out here...amazing. Another nifty thing finding out what squishes were was that it did help somewhat to eliminate the thoughts that I was bi or pan. Because yeah...just because you want to share your world with said person, male or female, does not mean you are attracted to them. Perhaps in an alternate world where I wasn't not interested, I would be.

But yeah, squishes! A fun word, doubt I would ever use it, but a good grain of knowledge to explain my squealing and gung-ho-ness about befriending certain people.

 

All those minor crushes were really just me wanting to get closer to them. Man, this really sounds like an alien trying to socialize with humans. You'd think this would be clear as mud but emotions are wack and I'm just confused.

[metelyk]

On 11/27/2019 at 6:18 PM, nothingbutbosh said:

Was slightly confused because even though it was a 'crush' I could never envision myself in the future dating them or anything. It was just "I like this person more than usual person and want to be around them more." (kinda sound like middle school relationships lol. Which would explain some of the confusion I felt back then distinguishing what I felt.) 

That sounds EXACTLY like me  I never imagined myself dating someone or engaging in romantic gestures with them, ever. I just really liked them and wanted to hang out!

 

On 11/27/2019 at 6:18 PM, nothingbutbosh said:

All those minor crushes were really just me wanting to get closer to them. Man, this really sounds like an alien trying to socialize with humans. You'd think this would be clear as mud but emotions are wack and I'm just confused.

Oh no, that is clear as anything! Even though romantic orientation is very confusing... well, it's reassuring to know other people feel just as confused, haha.