I'm sorry to bother you all with this

[323232]

I think I might be asexual and it really scares me. 

 

I'm 19 y/o F and I've never even been on a date or been kissed, so can I really even know? Or am I forcing myself into this to try and explain why no one's ever been interested in me? Or maybe I have been asked out, and I'm just so oblivious that I don't notice. 

 

But if I am asexual I know my family can literally never know. My mom would never accept me in a million years. And I don't want to come out to friends, because what if I'm wrong? Or what if they start looking at me differently? I think they all think I'm straight, and maybe I am, but how can you tell where something isn't? And what would this do to my career? I'm a business student. The world isn't that progressive yet, what if people find out who shouldn't and people hate me for it? And I'm scared to talk to LGBT+ resources on campus because I'm scared they won't think of asexuality as a real thing or won't see it as legitimate a struggle then people will hate me for that too...

 

Bodies scare me. My own and others. When I see people... I don't feel anything. I don't want to be this way, I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to say definitively and confidently what I am and not be scared of the repercussions. And all of these forms say it's not wrong and that it's okay to be asexual and I know that in my mind but I can't get over the thought that there must be something deeply wrong with me and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

 

I just needed to write this out somewhere. I hope I didn't bum any of you out too much. Thank you for listening.

[SithLord]

19 is not to early for many, though for some it may be. It wasn't for me when I was doing my self-discover journey. You also don't need to be experienced to know, because some people are curious enough to try, and others aren't which is perfectly okay. You don't need to have sex to know if you desire it (does a hetero- person need to have gay sex before they know if they're gay? Does a homo- person need to have straight sex? Does a bi/pan person need to have sex with both/every gender to know? No.) 

 

The key is to ask yourself what you want in life and what you don't want. Do you want a relationship with a person? What do you want from that relationship? Do you want sex with another person? Do you want just romance? Do you want a loyal friendship? There are many kinds of relationships a person can want in life. Not all of them sexual or romantic.

 

We can't tell you if you're asexual or not, but it's perfectly normal and fine if you are or aren't. It's just the way you are. Some people think asexual belongs in LGBT+ and some don't, and it's on you if you decide to align yourself with LGBT+ communities or not. You don't need to tell anyone who you don't want to know (though you should tell potential relationship partners).

 

I hope some time on AVEN helps you with some self-discovery and decide on if you're ace or not and that just being you is perfectly fine and nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken. 

 

We also welcome people with cake, because cake is better than sex! So here's some black forest cake:

[SkoomaPipe]

Can't say anything nearly as well as already said, but have some cake 

[nineGardens]

Hey hey 323232

 

Welcome to Aven!

 

Figuring out where you are and what you are can be tricky. A few things that can be useful to remember:

 

Labels are just labels. Don't worry to much about getting it right.

 

Based on the stats I've heard, about 1% of the population is Ace, and 2% of the population haven't felt sexual interest by the age of 18. What that means is that in terms of certainty, you've probably got about 50:50 odds of being Ace. Not the most helpful given that you came here looking for certainty, but I guess what I mean is it is okay and normal to be uncertain, in your current position. Thing might change, and they might not.

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

Or am I forcing myself into this to try and explain why no one's ever been interested in me? Or maybe I have been asked out, and I'm just so oblivious that I don't notice. 

Probably the more important question to ask yourself in terms of "am I Ace?" is have you been interested in other people?

In terms of the question of "why is no one interested in me?", my understanding is that flirting/interest is often a two way street. Someone who is interested might well flirt with you very lightly, and if you don't respond in kind, they assume you aren't interested in them, and back off. This is useful and respectful behavior... but can get tricky when you don't have sexual feelings because its easy to give off very Platonic signals all the time without realizing it.  Then again, if you actually don't WANT people to be showing an interest in you, this can be useful.

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

 

But if I am asexual I know my family can literally never know. My mom would never accept me in a million years

😕

This sounds hard. I don't know what your Mum's Jam is, or why she would be unaccepting, but that's hard, and I've got no advice on that one.

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

And I don't want to come out to friends, because what if I'm wrong?

You're allowed to be wrong. Or (if you have friends who you trust), you're allowed to say "This is how I feel at the moment. I don't know if I'll always feel this way, but for now, I don't really feel any of these crushes and sexual things you guys do." .... you might want to be careful on that one, because even well meaning friends might try to "fix" it, so figure out how you want them to react, and who is good at listening.

... Or don't bother telling them. Just live your life, and don't make a big deal about it, and if someone asks about "do you have a crush" or some other thing, you can just shrug and say "I don't really get those" (or whatever answer is appropriate to you).

 

Dealing with friends it might be easier to deal with things on a case by case basis, a "this is how I feel about this person" thing, as opposed to a "this is a label I want to grab". Not sure if its *better*, but it can be easier to just say "No, that particular person isn't sexy to me" or whatever. Everyone has people they aren't interested in, so each time you say "not interested" each of your friends should be able to understand, and it doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

That said, if you WANT to talk about it with friends, then by all means do so! I'm not discouraging that, I'm just saying it should be because you trust people, and think it would be nice to talk to them about stuff.

 

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

And what would this do to my career? I'm a business student. The world isn't that progressive yet, what if people find out who shouldn't and people hate me for it?

There are very very few careers where being Ace is going to be a dealbreaker... or even something people notice. In many places it would be illegal for people to even question that, and unless you were planning to employ... err... rather controversial tactics for securing promotion (which most people don't), being Ace is irrelevant.

People aren't going to ask for your Allosexual card during a job interview.

There are lots of tricky points in being Ace, but workplace discrimination is not one I've heard of (people can correct me if I'm wrong).

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

And I'm scared to talk to LGBT+ resources on campus because I'm scared they won't think of asexuality as a real thing or won't see it as legitimate a struggle then people will hate me for that too...

That ones tricky. If they don't treat Ace as a real thing, that's shitty of them. If they don't treat it as a legit struggle compared to LGBT struggle then... well it depends where you are. Aces have difficulties, but in many places it isn't unreasonable for LGBT crowd to say "Okay, but you don't get that much hate directed at you from out side".  They have the right to say that... but the world doesn't have to be a pissing contest. Decent people can say "You have struggles which are different to our struggles and we accept that your struggles are hard too".... but its also okay for the campus resources to be more focused on the more external struggles of LGBT crowd, since that is their primary mandate.

How big is your campus?

Could you send them an anonymous email, if you want their support? Alternatively, if you are scared of talking to them, remember you don't have to. There'll be plenty of LGBT people on your campus who don't use those resources either. Its a resource, not a compulsory registry.

 

Alternatively, just use resources online! Aven if lovely, and full of excellent people.

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

Bodies scare me. My own and others. When I see people... I don't feel anything.

Bodies scaring you is probably something to work through and work out. Regardless of your Ace status, it might be worth getting to a place where your own body doesn't freak you out. (correct me if I'm misunderstanding/misrepresenting you here). If you want to talk through that here, please do. There's lots of people here with far more wisdom than I on that particular subject.

 

13 hours ago, 323232 said:

I don't want to be this way, I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to say definitively and confidently what I am and not be scared of the repercussions. And all of these forms say it's not wrong and that it's okay to be asexual and I know that in my mind but I can't get over the thought that there must be something deeply wrong with me and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

Hmmmm.... no one is going to force you to wear the Ace label if you don't feel comfortable with it. And no one can tell you not to either.

As for being normal and saying definitively "what" you are.... No one's really normal. Lots of people pretend to be, but most everyone really isn't, in one way or another. Everyone is busy figuring themselves out, and it'll be a rare person you meet who actually has. That's just a people thing.

 

Trying to say things definitively about who you are can be a relief... but its also tricky, because it might discourage you from changing in the future. Someone who definitely and publicly supports a political party has trouble adjusting if the party moves away from their own values. A scientist who pins themselves to a theory in public has a harder time adjusting if new evidence comes up.

Often if can be far more helpful to say "I believe...", "I feel..." or "I want..."    rather than "I am...."

Its easier because often you can be pretty sure about how you feel and what you want... and sometimes you'll end up believing and wanting things that contradict, and that's okay.

 

"And" can be a helpful word in this case, for example:

"I want to be normal AND I do not like people touching my body". 

"I want human connection, AND I don't know if people will accept me."

[Not saying these are your statements, just giving examples of useful uses of and]

 

 

 

Edit: Good grief. This is so damn long. I really need to learn to write more concisely.

[thyristor]

3 hours ago, 323232 said:

But if I am asexual I know my family can literally never know. My mom would never accept me in a million years.

That is the saddest thing to hear, I feel so sorry for you.

 

3 hours ago, 323232 said:

And I don't want to come out to friends, because what if I'm wrong?

 

3 hours ago, 323232 said:

And what would this do to my career? I'm a business student. The world isn't that progressive yet, what if people find out who shouldn't and people hate me for it?

 

I just had a few weeks on this forum, and I'm myself grey-sexual. I find that society often implies people to embrace sexual cultural habits, like sex jokes or preference for sexy clothes or figuring that everyone who's not in a relationship is feeling lonely and deprived of sexual activities. That is annoying.

 

I use the term grey-sexual for myself on this forum, and I would use it for myself outside of AVEN when talking with others about sexuality, becasue I find it a very concise way to describe that I am not comfortable with all this sexual cultural habits embracing thing.

 

But I see absolutely no reason why I should 'come out' in any particular way. A homosexual person obviously needs to 'come out' if they are to be in a relationship. But an asexual person, why would you explicitly need to 'come out'? Maybe here's why: I guess there are certain environments where there are people thinking negative of you if you don't embrace sexual cultural habits, and I guess there are a lot of these environments. Fighting to shed some light on this strange culture should be a thing in it's own right, not just a fight for asexuals. How can we make a big fuzz of sexual behaviour whenever someone decides to hunt down a celebrety or politician in media, but we're totally okay with all the sex jokes and nudity that businesses and tv companies impose on us all day long? I don't get it.

 

But whether you in time discover yourself as asexual or grey/demi or anything else less sexual than the world around you, you shouldn't need to state that to anyone, not even your mum. If she asks why you're not dating or sleeping over at anyone's place, it should be enough for you to just say 'I don't wanna.' (if that's how you feel). You shouldn't need to explain yourself by pointing to a specific level on the often so-called 'ace-spectra', as though it were a medical condition that can excuse you from taking part in normal sexual cultural habits. It's just that you don't partake in habits just cos they are habits. You partake in those habits that you like, and you abstain from taking part in those habits that you don't like. And no one can push you into sexual habits. That's illegal (in most countries I hope, unless looking into the complex area of arranged marriages).

 

3 hours ago, 323232 said:

I don't feel anything. I don't want to be this way, I just want to be normal.

I hope that the community here can make you feel more normal in whatever way you are. There are people of all levels of non-sexuality here, from asexuals to greys, from aromantics to grey-romantics, so, anyone can feel pretty normal here. I just came to think about a Swedish slogan we had against racism a couple of decades ago, it went like this: all different, all alike. meaning sort of that, the difference per se makes us all alike again, or, everyone is different in some way or other, that makes us all alike.

 

How about focusing on how other people are different then? Needn't at all be in a sexual way. Some people are different in what they eat, how they dress, what hobby they pursue, what music or tv shows they like.

 

3 hours ago, 323232 said:

I can't get over the thought that there must be something deeply wrong with me and I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

 

I just needed to write this out somewhere. I hope I didn't bum any of you out too much. Thank you for listening.

Writing things out, communicating with others about stuff, that's probably the best thing to get less scared of the way things are or seem to be.

 

People who don't like pop music don't seem to feel that there is something deeply wrong with them. Why would it be more wrong to avoid sex than to avoid pop music? Obviously, there is a difference, but we have already populated the planet, reproduction is not really an issue these days.

 

That were a whole lot of words to try to relieve you from your stress about maybe being asexual. 😃

 

About the being certain stuff: I find most of the lables being words to describe certain aspects of you. It can be tricky to stick with one lable and try to have it describe ALL of yourself. When I say I'm grey-sexual, it's mostly because to me that term is shorthand for a dozen of microlables, each of which apply to me in some situations or relations and don't in others. In fashion you might also talk about for example 'crincle' which some pieces definitly are, but other pieces that group well together with even textile pieces but that have some sort of disordered creases in them, you might call 'crinlcle' in relation to the other pieces in their group whereas a person looking for a crincly piece of clothes will consider it not to fall under the term crincle.

 

I hope this can help you in someway to gain confidence that you are worthy as a person, and the way you are is what makes you lovely, if you trust and dare love the way you are. (I tend to see my feeling of being repulsed by sexual cultural habits more like being supreme to those 'other stupid suckers around me' who are slaves under habits they don't reflect upon, although, that wasn't a nice way to put it, just overexplaining a bit).

[Lichley]

Welcome! Well the most important thing to remember is that no one is truly normal. Normal means average, but the average person has 1.99 legs. There’s no such thing as normal, it’s all just expectations, and the thing about expectations is that it’s not what you want or need. Do you want to be “normal” or do you want to be happy? Because let me tell you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not will not make you happy. The best thing you can do right now is it’s accept yourself regardless of orientation. 

[Gnome.1]

Hello and welcome. 🎂🍰

 

Lots of good advice given by all already.   You really don't have to come out to anyone but potential partners.  Even then it's about your needs, wants, and boundaries.  These are things that should be talked about anyway.

 

I've got a group of 10 friends that hang out at least once a week, we have never talked about Ace/Aro/grey but I can tell you that other than the 3 that are married LGBTQ+ everyone else fits somewhere in Ace/Aro/grey spectrum.  Even the 3 LGBTQ+ I suspect fall in the grey.  I find that the label is more of a tool to help you understand yourself and the ways you react to sexual situations.