Tips For First Time Sex?

[Bot.]

I think I'm asexual, like 96% sure... maybe 98%. Either way I don't have any interest in having sex with anybody and I never have. I've been in relationships but I was actually quite young and at an age where sex wouldn't have been expected in the relationship so I felt comfortable. As I got older and realized to most people relationships will involve sex I stopped dating and started to figure out what I wanted, or really, what I didn't want. The problem is I think that life would be so much easier if I could just have sex!  I mean I'm a uni student now, isn't fooling around with people and partying the goals 😫. So I want to have sex; maybe after I do I'll like it or at least after having done it once I could fake it for future relationships. So the questions are: how do other asexuals hype themselves up to have sex? Would it be best to get drunk and pick a random guy or? Does alcohol or other drugs work to get you in the mood? I'm fine with masturbating but not watching porn (I read porn stories but the video stuff is hard for me to watch but that's prob tmi haha) but sex for me has been something I just can't find an interest in. Still I'd like to get it done with at some point and It would be nice to enjoy it - even a little. 

[SithLord]

First an foremost, the answers will likely be different depending on if your gender and/or sex. But as a female-bodied chick, I'll answer to the best of my ability.

 

6 minutes ago, Bot. said:

how do other asexuals hype themselves up to have sex?

I don't really get "hyped up" for sex. We agree to have it, I stretch myself out and get lube, and we do the deed? There's foreplay involved but that's getting detail-specific and I'm not sure if you want that. But I've been told foreplay is very important for women (female-bodies?) and I'm unsure of how that affects asexual women because it doesn't affect me. 

 

7 minutes ago, Bot. said:

Would it be best to get drunk and pick a random guy or?

What is your end goal? You just want to have sex without emotion? Because I think it's better for your first time to be with someone you care about. Women (not sure about female-bodied individuals) tend to get more out of sex when they're emotionally connected to the person. Men do too, though to a less extreme. 

Up to you, though, if alcohol would help you relax. I would never recommend drinking too much. I've also never had drunken sex so... no idea.

 

9 minutes ago, Bot. said:

Does alcohol or other drugs work to get you in the mood?

No idea, but I don't get "in the mood." It would obviously help if you're aroused before engaging in sex, but that's not possible for all of us. Depends on you as an individual and what works for you. But you should be relaxed, fully aware, comfortable, trusting, etc.

 

 

Again, I recommend not just picking up a stranger. I'd wait for someone you trust, or even ask a friend if you're both willing (obviously it might interfere with the friendship). Because you never know what you'll get with a stranger.

[Grimalkin]

Here's the one and only thing that makes me ever, in any capacity, want to have sex:

 

Really loving the person I am with. Really, truly loving them and enjoying seeing them wrapped up in sexual bliss. 

 

That's it. Trust me on this, having sex with a random person is not going to "prep" you to fake liking sex. Faking liking sex is completely unsustainable. Instead, you enter a relationship with honesty. You tell them you're asexual. You tell them what that means. You tell them that with a lot of communication and trust, you MAY be able to enjoy sex. Tell them that it's not a certainty, and that sometimes you just won't be in the mood, but that you'd like to give it a shot. 

 

Honesty, trust, loooots of communication, and being able to relax in each others' presence is the only thing that makes sex even a little enjoyable for me. This goes double if you've got woman parts downstairs: You will clench up HARD and it will hurt if you can't relax and enjoy the person. I personally find that because I don't get aroused properly, I'm always too tight and don't produce enough lubricant naturally. 

 

So... yeah. Just find someone you like. And use a lot of lube. Lots. Way more than that. Keep going. 

[Memento1]

Please don't have sex because you feel expected to, because you don't want to be left out, or because you think it's the only way to get love.  Bottom line do not have sex out of fear and anxiety - have sex because you're curious.  Hyping yourself up to overcome anxiety is not good enough.  Anxiety is a libido-killer, and if you train yourself to associate sex with anxiety, you'll just make it harder for yourself in the long term to ever enjoy it.

 

In college I was fully asexual and sex repulsed, and I definitely felt the social pressure to explore sexuality like everyone else.  I'm glad I didn't.  Over time I built up my self-esteem, my assertive communication, and grew confident with my asexuality.  THAT'S when I found my sexual desire.  I've realized the only way I can truly desire and want sex with someone is when I completely trust them, when I know I can control what happens or shut it down at any moment.  Feeling like I have to play a part in a script, let a guy do what he wants with me, or think constantly of how to please him, is a complete turn off and probably at the root of why I never had any desire.

 

As for what works for me, video porn either does little for me or is a complete turn off.  Fan fiction is how I work myself up.  Lubrication of some sort, either through lube or even a shower, is also big for me.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I'm going to be frank here... it sounds like you're under a lot of peer pressure to have sex and that you might be trying to pressure yourself into something you don't want to really do. It's not something you have to just get over with, especially if you're not interested in it. You should only have sex if you want to.

 

48 minutes ago, Bot. said:

I mean I'm a uni student now, isn't fooling around with people and partying the goals

Nope. Even if it seems like everybody's having a ton of sex and partying every night. The goal is to learn and set yourself up for socializing in the adult world. There are sooo many ways to have fun and meet people in college without those two. Some people do start having a lot more sex and experimenting in college because they're no longer under the restrictions of living with parents and feel freer, so it's kind of an illusion.

 

Having sex doesn't guarantee you'll like it, but especially if you aren't ready or not into it at all, that can make more unpleasant or painful.

 

59 minutes ago, Bot. said:

Would it be best to get drunk and pick a random guy or? Does alcohol or other drugs work to get you in the mood?

Mixing sex with drugs/alcohol is a bad idea. For one thing, when you're drunk, you can't consent, and for another depending on how inebriated you are can lead to some scary situations.

 

If you do decide to have sex, bottom line is make sure you want to and feel comfortable and can consent to it. You should never feel pressured into it. And if you just aren't interested in it, that's perfectly fine too, you're not alone. That's why this forum exists.

 

Welcome to AVEN!

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[Gnome.1]

If you have no intrest in sex and no desires then don't force it.  Of my group of friends many have not had sex or are limited to one or 2 partners.   None of us feel the need to explore random encounters.  As stated above,  it's easier with someone you know and trust.  Give it time and eventually you will meet someone that will understand you and what being ACE means.  (FYI, my group of friends are all in our 30's and 40's).  Damn the social norms and pressures and do what feels right.