sex without love, love without sex

[Guest]

POSSIBLY TMI:

 

Is there a term for this?

 

I am a cis man, and have identified as gay since I hit puberty, I can have sex without having any kind of emotional connection with someone, it can be fun and fulfilling (although anyone who has had casual sex will tell you it’s often not, and I’m no different) I usually don’t even feel the need to “arrive” to have enjoyed it.

 

I am a bottom, and a submissive kinkster, what I enjoy most about having sex is being objectified and knowing my partner (or partners) are enjoying themselves, being a device for their pleasure. I especially enjoy giving blowjobs without any expectation of reciprocation. I’ve never really had a relationship besides this guy I was with for a little over a year.

 

We had casual sex the first time we met and then continued to see each other, and it quickly turned into a relationship. From there, as I got to know him better I found myself less and less sexually attracted to him. I still found him aesthetically appealing, I still felt romantic feelings for him, my libido was still active and I masturbated almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I didn’t want to have sex with him, but would have liked to have been having casual sex with other people.

 

I think we were both very confused because I never stopped treating him kindly and showing him I loved him in my own way (cooking for him, giving him back rubs, kissing, cuddling) all that changed was the sex and neither of us knew why. Sometimes we did have sex, and afterwards he would obviously be feeling extra emotional and wanted to cuddle and talk, but I would struggle to engage and be loving towards him, I didn’t have to words to explain to him how I felt, I don’t think I even KNEW how I felt, but we both knew it wasn’t working and agreed that we should go our separate ways. This happen about 5 years ago.

 

There was another guy I met not long after that, it was just casual sex, he would come over and spend the night and we would “netflix and chill”. He is much like me in that he has no interest in a relationship with people he engages in casual sex with. I found him aesthetically appealing, sexually attractive and despite our very conservative political views, which would normally put me off, I gradually developed feelings for him, he could not return my feelings and said some very hurtful things, and we stopped seeing each other about 6 months ago.

 

I treat my sexual partners like a sex toy. That’s something I’ve become keenly aware of in the last few months and I’ve realised I will never find a fulfilling relationship by having casual hookups and hoping to hit it off with someone. That’s a perfectly valid way to go about things and one that works great for many members of the gay community, but not for me.

 

Alternatively, the times that I’ve gotten to know someone first, whether we were friends for years or just went on a few dates, even if it was absolutely mind blowing and no matter how strong my romantic feelings towards them are, it all goes flying out the window once we have sex and I just can’t bring myself to be comfortable around them anymore.

 

Is this disconnect between sex and love something other people experience? is this a form of gray/demisexuality? or am I just deeply flawed and in need of intensive therapy?

[- Saph -]

30 minutes ago, darth_butt said:

Is this disconnect between sex and love something other people experience? is this a form of graysexuality or am I just deeply flawed and in need of intensive therapy?

The disconnect between sex and romance is called the split attraction model. It has some critisms but I have personally found it very fitting and useful.

The latest AVEN zine features a few articles about this model.

You would benefit from a therapy if you would feel the need for it. If you figure things out on your own and are happy with your situation then there is no problem.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

I have never connected sex with love, though I've tried to condition myself to do so, and I guess I've always tried to do things that please others. I do not think that all sexual people connect sex with love, I really feel as if there is always some kind of objectification going on. After sex I usually feel as if I've been in some way attacked and I feel quite annoyed about it sometimes.

 

I don't know if this is helpful, probably not (sorry), but I just want to let you know you are not alone...What you feel and think is fine. There's no right or wrong, just trying to find someone who you can connect with. 

 

Welcome to AVEN 🍰