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BastianFeels

5-year anniversary; what to do?

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BastianFeels

Dear fellow sexuals, dear a-sexuals,

 

5 years ago I, a 23 year old guy fell in love (back then I was 18) with a 7 year older guy (gay). When we started our relationship I was extremely young and didn’t explore my sexuality fully. The first months my boyfriend didn’t enjoy sexual activity, I always had to initiate, and we wouldn’t do more than jacking eachother off. Which was enjoyable both not desirable from my side. Everytime I tried to suggest to talk about this, it always became very emotional, from his side; telling me that he feels like he is lacking in the relationship and that he feels like a failure due to the fact that he can’t give me what I want.

 

I am a very sexual person, I could have sex twice a day if my schedule would allow it. Having sex every 8 months is just not satisfactory anymore, it never was to begin with. The last year my urge to find sexual experiences with others has grown tremendously. I have proposed opening the relationship, however, he feels like this would break us apart. For me the sex is just a matter of lust and desire, not love.

 

The fact that this suggestion is hurting him so much, pains me. However I do not see another possible solution at this point.

 

I was hoping to find advice here, because I am slowly losing hope. I really want your honest opinion, also if you think I’m selfish please tell me what I could do constructively to better my situation.

 

thank you so much for reading!! I have read a lot of your stories and it both pains and comforts me. 

Edited by BastianFeels
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Memento1

Geez, I'm sorry Bastian.  That sounds tough.

 

You are NOT SELFISH.  It sounds like he has some serious self-esteem issues, and completely aside from the lack of sex, that can be hell on a relationship.  In order to be able to successfully communicate and work through possible solutions to the desire disparity, he'd need to be able to separate your desire from his self-worth, and he can't if his self-esteem is in the toilet.  You can encourage him to see a therapist for his own good, but if you do, you need to separate that from your desire for him to get into sex.  He needs to do it because it's what's best for him, not because it'll work out best for you.

 

So you need to ask yourself some difficult questions.  Can you be emotionally there for him regardless of if his sexuality changes?  Can you or are you willing to separate that from being in a committed relationship?  How long are you willing to wait to see if it changes?  It sounds like the last one is not very long, you've already run through most of your patience in the last 5 years.  And that's not wrong - you're not selfish if the answer to any of these is I want to be there for him but I can't keep doing it at my own expense.  You've already drained much of your own emotional energy and you can't help him with his when your own is dangerously low.  It could help for you to see a counselor of your own, as this has obviously caused you your own pain.

 

Do not stay or say nothing because you don't want to hurt him.  He's already hurting; that won't change by adding your own to it.  Guilt is what's killing this relationship.  If you can still be his friend and break up with him, even temporarily, that may be good for both of you.  If it would be too hard to separate your own guilt from that, you may need to break completely, while wishing him the best.  That doesn't make you a bad person, or selfish, though you would obviously need to grieve what was lost.

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henshin

It sounds like you both have different ideas of what an open relationship would mean and so I would recommend a really good conversation about it. Look through some polyamory resources together, be honest about what sex outside the relationship means to both of you, and make sure your partner knows that you love him and don't we t the relationship to end.

 

If my partner approached me with an open relationship proposition the main thing I'd be worried about would be them realising what they've been missing out on, falling for someone else, and leaving me. Decide for yourself whether that is a risk or whether you're 100% committed to your existing relationship.

 

Discuss boundaries too. Is there stuff that your partner would feel better about than other things, e.g. will you bring a sexual partner to your home. Discuss safe sex. Discuss how you can make your partner feel valued and secure in the relationship.

 

Discuss timing - don't make your partner text you after work to ask what you want for dinner only to find out you're with another person. Instead agree ahead of time. Say every Thursday evening you'll go out for sex while your partner is at a yoga class or whatever. 

 

I hope that helps!

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Serran

What do you need from sex ? Why did handjobs not fulfill desire? What will you seek from an open relationship? 

 

You need to know all these questions and feelings to discuss it fully. But he might not be into open relationships at all. I know I wouldn't be. Some people just need monogamy, in the same way you need sex. Plus, you really can't promise open only and no feelings involved. Most sexual partners who have opened up for sex have developed relationships eventually. It's hard to find no feelings casual ONS type sex on the regular so it just became easier to have a regular partner and then feelings came naturally with spending a lot of time together and being intimate. 

 

Needing sex is understandable. Needing no sex is as well. Needing poly is understandable. Needing monogamy is as well. You two are just doubly incompatible. If you can figure it out or not depends on you two. Do lots of talking in detail about both of your feelings. 

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BastianFeels

Thank you very much for all the responses so far. As you may understand this is an issue that I had a lot of trouble with during our relationship and has come to a point that it is extremely difficult to not discuss it with my boyfriend. The thing I am most afraid of is that things will come to an end between us, which I want to avoid at all cost because I love my partner with all my heart. 

 

On 11/24/2019 at 11:19 PM, Memento1 said:

You can encourage him to see a therapist for his own good, but if you do, you need to separate that from your desire for him to get into sex.  He needs to do it because it's what's best for him, not because it'll work out best for you.

Today, after 5 long years we have finally decided to see a therapist that specialises in sexual issues between men. The therapy will consist of us talking to the counselor together but also separately, to see if we can come to a mutual solution. I feel like discussing the topic brings up a lot of frustration when we are together, therefore I think it might be better to do it with someone that has experience guiding these difficult topics. Furthermore, I have tried to discuss having a three-some, but I can imagine for a person not interested in sex, this sounds even worse than having sex with one person alone. 

 

On 11/24/2019 at 11:19 PM, Memento1 said:

Can you be emotionally there for him regardless of if his sexuality changes?  Can you or are you willing to separate that from being in a committed relationship?  How long are you willing to wait to see if it changes? 

I think these are all very valid questions. I have been living together with my boyfriend for quite some years together, and we match on every other aspect in life, besides the sexual needs. Therefore, I find it extremely difficult to imagine living a separate life from each other. I hope that we can both come to an agreement where the sex within the relationship would work. Otherwise, a outcome of an open-relationship would be ideal. 

 

On 11/25/2019 at 12:52 AM, henshin said:

If my partner approached me with an open relationship proposition the main thing I'd be worried about would be them realising what they've been missing out on, falling for someone else, and leaving me. Decide for yourself whether that is a risk or whether you're 100% committed to your existing relationship.

You hit it right on the spot. These are exactly the things that he is worried about as well, which I can totally understand. I do worry about it as well, however, I do have such a strong emotional connection to my boyfriend that I do not see myself falling in love with someone else. Also, I feel like as a sexual person, it is not sustainable over the long-run to have no sex at all. Over the years, my sexual urges have become stronger and stronger (without any cheating involved), therefore I came to the forum to ask for advice, because I would never want to violate the trust of my partner. 

 

7 hours ago, Serran said:

But he might not be into open relationships at all. I know I wouldn't be. Some people just need monogamy, in the same way you need sex. Plus, you really can't promise open only and no feelings involved. Most sexual partners who have opened up for sex have developed relationships eventually. It's hard to find no feelings casual ONS type sex on the regular so it just became easier to have a regular partner and then feelings came naturally with spending a lot of time together and being intimate. 

 

Needing sex is understandable. Needing no sex is as well. Needing poly is understandable. Needing monogamy is as well. You two are just doubly incompatible. If you can figure it out or not depends on you two. Do lots of talking in detail about both of your feelings. 

I understand your point of view fully. I do think open-relationships are generally more accepted and common within the gay community (especially among sexuals), however, this is not a valid argument for him to want that as well. We might be incompatible on a sexual level, however, we are very very much compatible on an emotional level. However, according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, intimacy is an important factor to feel loved and belonged (maybe on a different level for an a-sexual). 

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uhtred

On our 25th anniversary we went on a romantic trip to Venice.  It was completely sexless. The lack of sex hurt me every bit as much as it did on our 20th, 10th, and 5th. Our 30th was the same.  Its not something you will ever get over.   

 

So, find something that works now. If its an open relationship, or some changes in your interactions, or separating or whatever.  The longer you wait, the more difficult it is to get out of the unhappy pattern.

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