Questions for agender people

[Guest]

I don't wanna offend anybody. It's just curiosity.

-Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

-Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

-Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

I heard somewhere,that there are people who consider themselves agender and they actually don't mind if someone is using gender pronouns or they wear clothes that are traditionally for people of their biological sex (dresses and skirts for example)

 

Sorry,if it sounds stupid.

 

[Rynn]

16 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

I don't wanna offend anybody. It's just curiosity.

Don't worry about it, asking questions about things you don't understand is a good thing  

 

15 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

This is just how I've felt most of my life. I wouldn't choose to have dysphoria if I had a choice.

 

15 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex)

Yes.

 

15 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

Depends on the person (how well I know them/ how much I trust them).

 

17 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

You'd first have to explain what gender neutral clothes are to you. 

 

I try to wear gender neutral clothes, but since I still look feminine, I doubt you'd even notice the difference.

 

The thing is, no matter what you wear or what you look like, people will always shove you in the 'male' box or 'female' box. There is no way to present as 'neither,' in a way that will make people put you in the 'neither' box.

 

18 minutes ago, MaggieB said:

I heard somewhere,that there are people who consider themselves agender and they actually don't mind if someone is using gender pronouns or they wear clothes that are traditionally for people of their biological sex (dresses and skirts for example)

Depends on the person. Some agender people would be okay with that.

[Janus the Fox]

The label was a decision, I’m very sure I’ve been like this as far as I can remember.

 

i feel no different getting any pronouns used, no comfort or discomfort.

 

I prefer clothes of the opposite sex, though I still wear men’s, it’s what I grew up to know first I guess.  Women’s clothes feel very comfortable somehow.

 

I like the body to be neither gender or feminine preferred, this way clothes from both sexes can look/feel better or pass well.

[Philip027]

Quote

-Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

No real decision or transformation was made, kinda like how people don't just decide one day to be trans.  Eventually as you learn about alternative identities you tend to just adopt what sounds most applicable to you.

 

Quote

-Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

No.  Most people are gonna refer to me with male pronouns because... I have a male body and look male.  That's just how the world operates for the most part; they are acknowledging sex, not gender.  Getting offended at being called "mister" or whatever just doesn't make any sense to me.  Others might feel differently about it, but to me specifically, it doesn't make sense.

 

Quote

-Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

"Male" clothes for a male body.  Many aspects of "female" clothing seem very impractical/uncomfortable to me.

[Larkaloke]

Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life? I've felt this way my whole life, but it took time to figure it out.

 

Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns? It does make me uncomfortable, anywhere from 'slightly' to 'very', and unless I either have a reason not to or just freeze up in the moment I do ask people not to do that.

 

Do you wear gender neutral clothes? Maybe? I wear clothes that I like and that are comfortable. They come from various different sections in stores. I don't really pay that much attention to it.

[PoeciMeta]

22 hours ago, MaggieB said:

I don't wanna offend anybody. It's just curiosity.

Curiosity is good ^^

22 hours ago, MaggieB said:

-Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

It's definitely not a choice, I always lacked a gender. But I did choose to call myself that way after learning about that word (and a long period of doubt). 

 

22 hours ago, MaggieB said:

-Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

I don't like it one bit, no, but I'm closeted and I can't ask that. There's no neutral equivalent in my language anyway. 

 

22 hours ago, MaggieB said:

-Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

I wear whatever I feel like wearing. I do often try to look androgynous, but it's about how people will see me, not about the clothes, so it's more social dysphoria. It's me trying not to be gendered as female. Otherwise, I tend not to think of clothes as gendered and wear whatever I feel like, mostly practical clothes but I don't mind pretty/elegant ones. 

 

22 hours ago, MaggieB said:

I heard somewhere,that there are people who consider themselves agender and they actually don't mind if someone is using gender pronouns or they wear clothes that are traditionally for people of their biological sex (dresses and skirts for example)

 

That's true. Some agender people are indifferent to gender, and some even call themselves cis out of convenience, they don't mind. It's often called being cis-genderless (which can be considered both as a non-dysphoric type of agender and an apathetic kind of cis). Some agender people feel dysphoria and the need to transition, too. 

[dragon_cake]

Spoiler

Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

 

This is how I mostly feel and for some reason, makeup can give me dysphoria sometimes but that could be because I feel forced into it rather than doing something for myself.

 

Spoiler

Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

I feel uncomfortable when people refer to me as Mr./Ms./lady without a choice but pronouns like he, she, and they don't bother me as much since it doesn't feel as personal.

 

Spoiler

 

Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

I heard somewhere,that there are people who consider themselves agender and they actually don't mind if someone is using gender pronouns or they wear clothes that are traditionally for people of their biological sex (dresses and skirts for example)

 

 

I'm not entirely sure what counts as gender neutral for clothes. Usually my style consists of unisex t-shirts and styles that are basic, plaid, or striped since I'm in the closet and it's the safe way to go. For my case, I can be indifferent to gender pronouns. Dresses and skirts don't bother me as much when they're practical. I would love ones that have hoods or big pockets included!

 

[Meylnaerdbier]

I decided to identify with the term when I learned more about it because it just really fits for me. I don't think I've ever been anything different, I just didn't have the right words to describe how I feel.

 

I don't particularly mind gendered pronouns, but when people say things like, "You're such a cute girl", "Your dimples are so cute!", or "Your body looks really nice" I get suuuuper uncomfortable. It feels like an inaccurate portrayal of who I am, or who I choose to present as. I suppose some might describe that as dysphoria?

 

I do wear gender neutral clothes. Bless the clothing gods for making baggy shirts, pants, and HOODIES; truly holy items. 

[TheAceCoffeebean]

Hey there! No offense taken ☺️

-Did you decide in some point of your life to be agender or this is how you have been feeling for whole/most of your life?

I identified with my birth gender/sex as a kid but when I hit puberty I went "this is not cut out for me"

-Do you feel uncomfortable when people call you Mr./Ms./lady/he,she etc?(depending on your biological sex) and do you ask them to not using these pronouns?

I feel pretty uncomfortable with gender specific pronouns, I use They/Them but I usually let it slide the first few times

-Do you wear gender neutral clothes?

I try to, most of the time. For formal events, I don't really have a choice (as my extended family doesn't know/understand my gender), but otherwise my clothes are pretty neutral in type and color (Blacks/Greys/Whites/Blues and hoodies & jeans) 

I heard somewhere,that there are people who consider themselves agender and they actually don't mind if someone is using gender pronouns or they wear clothes that are traditionally for people of their biological sex (dresses and skirts for example)

Yup! Some agender people don't mind whatever pronouns are used, but others are more sensitive to being misgendered.

Also, I may not know many agender people, but I myself occasionally (outside of and including formal events) wear clothes traditionally labelled for my biological sex.

[crazy ace]

I'm going to add a question:

Could someone describe dysphoria to me?

[PoeciMeta]

24 minutes ago, crazy ace said:

I'm going to add a question:

Could someone describe dysphoria to me?

Ah. This. The bad stuff. 

I could say it's loathing, shame, alienation, disgust or something like that, but it wouldn't help much. This post does a much better job at explaining how it feels. (Note that isn't true for everyone, we're all different and our dysphorias are too.) 

 

 

Have a nice read. 

[Janus the Fox]

2 hours ago, crazy ace said:

I'm going to add a question:

Could someone describe dysphoria to me?

Physical discomfort, looking like somethings wrong, anxiety and depression with disappoint that the body is not what the mind should be...

 

Every dysphoria is different though.

[Rynn]

10 hours ago, crazy ace said:

Could someone describe dysphoria to me?

10 hours ago, NoelciMeta said:

I could say it's loathing, shame, alienation, disgust or something like that

These four words are very accurate to my experience.

 

I would add 'disconnect' to that list. My body isn't me, and I'm not it. When I was in my teens I'd look at myself in the mirror and think 'If the girl who is supposed to live in this body saw this, she'd be mad at me. She could slap on some make-up and make it look pretty.' And I was fully aware that that was crazy talk, but I still consistently had that thought. I couldn't believe that it was actually me in the mirror. I'd be surprised at how I looked every time.

 

'Denial' and 'avoidance' should make it on the list too. I'd have more severe bottom dysphoria if I acknowledged that I have those parts, I'm sure of it. (Chest is harder to deny.) I don't know what female genitalia look like, and I really don't want to know. It would fuck me up.

I guess you could call that numbing those feelings, shutting those thoughts down.

Coping mechanisms. Denial is one of the coping mechanisms. Avoiding things like swimming and leaving your house are others.

 

'Betrayal' comes to mind, like your body has betrayed you. When it's particularly bad I'd add anger (at your body), desperation, powerlessness (because you can't fix it).

 

But sometimes it's just funny to me. Like, I look in the mirror and burst out laughing. It's like my head was plopped on a cartoon-ish woman body and it just makes no sense to me. What are these floppy things on my chest even meant to be 😂? Like, how did this happen? Who thought this was a good idea? So confusion, bewilderment, gets a spot on the list because of that too.

 

And to go a bit deeper into the 'disgust' part of it, it feels like those things on my chest are not part of me, so if, for example in bed (the only time when I'm not wearing a binder) I touch that with another part of my body I'm often surprised and have a 'yuck' reaction, as if there was a chopped off arm in my bed and I accidentally touched it. 

And feeling it move when walking is just... I can only describe it as "ugghhhhhh.....," which is also the sound I used to make every time I hit a bump in the road while biking and not wearing a binder.

 

I copy-pasted this explanation into a word document back when I was still figuring stuff out (I compiled a lot of info). I think it must've come from another AVENite, but I can't find it right now. I like the way they explain this type of dysphoria.

Quote

Have you ever seen a broken leg? I don't mean a normal broken leg. I mean the nasty freaky broken leg. No exposed bone or blood, but the knee is bent the wrong way. The leg doesn't go in the direction it's supposed to. It's something that's sort of terrifying to behold because you know it's absolutely horrifyingly wrong deep down in your most instinctual parts of your brain. Now imagine that you look down at your own leg and it's broken like that. You're not feeling the pain but you are feeling the utterly freaked out feeling of "OMFG MY LEG IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BENDING THAT WAY."

Not a pleasant feeling, right?

Okay, let's go further. Let's pretend that this freaky bent broken leg is seen as utterly normal by everyone else. They look at your body and go, 'what's the problem?' There's nothing freaky about them, you're the only one with the freakishness driving you nuts but no one else sees it. Forget the leg and just remember the feeling. The feeling of intimate, screwed up, almost grotesque wrongness. Like the very laws of how your body ought to be are violated, just like if you had that bending the wrong way leg. Imagine that feeling applied to everything about you that is male or female. Imagine seeing the male/female parts you have and getting that "OMFG MY BODY IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT." That deep down instinctual feeling of "OMFGWTF" that you get when you see a shattered knee bending a leg the wrong way or even worse see that bent leg on yourself. It's not rational. It doesn't make logical sense. It's utter instinctual response.

That's bodily dysphoria.

Now. Imagine living with that every day for the rest of your life.

And shame, yes. I mean, I find it hard to talk about those body parts (and as you can see, name them) because in my mind that will make people think that I have them (which they already do, but... I don't know, still?) and I would be very ashamed of that. I don't want people to see me like that. Which makes it all the more difficult to talk about me being nb, because that will inevitably come up. And with 'hard to talk about and name them' I do mean that I literally can't get those words out of my mouth.

 

If I arrive to a class and I have to take my jacket off and switch into a sweater, I do that ninja-style, as quickly and stealthily as possible, because I feel naked and exposed during the time I'm only wearing a shirt. I have so many dreams in which I'm naked and nobody notices, because that's how I often feel in real life. I feel ashamed, exposed, but nobody bats an eye, because it looks normal to them.

 

And then there's social dysphoria too. Though I think bodily dysphoria and social dysphoria are kind of mixed and I can't really tell which is which most of the time.

But yeah, basically every time someone calls me 'girl' 'lady' etc, I get this twinge of ouch, and a strong desire to ignore them and not react to those words out of spite (hehe). My name feels like it doesn't belong to me. It's just a name that people use to refer to me, but it's not my name. It doesn't fit.

 

And one more thing that I haven't really heard anyone else say. During my formative years I learned to act like a girl in a 'fake it till you make it' kind of way in order to gain acceptance. Now I can't get rid of those mannerisms anymore, even though I hate them. I know how to be an agreeable conversationalist with feminine mannerisms (which is to say, lots of hand gestures, varying intonation, downplaying oneself with 'I think's and 'maybe's instead of stating things like facts, and instead of a more masculine monotone and confident way of speaking), but I don't know how to do that as 'me'. Acting like a girl feels safe. I know people react positively to it. Each time I apply those feminine mannerisms, I don't recognize myself. I give myself heaps of dysphoria this way. After the conversation is over and I'm by myself again, I cringe thinking back at how I said things. I don't know what type of dysphoria you want to call that. Social? Mental? *shrug*

 

I'm going to stop ranting now.

I hope this was in some way helpful 

[DuranDuranfan]

17 hours ago, crazy ace said:

I'm going to add a question:

Could someone describe dysphoria to me?

To me it’s like wearing the wrong size shoes all the time. What happens when you wear the wrong size shoes? Blisters. My dysphoria is the wrong size shoes and the depression caused by the dysphoria is the blisters. 
 

Or trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

[PoeciMeta]

@Laurann I couldn't have said better. In fact I relate so much it's almost disturbing. Especially about the denial, I refused to admit I was growing up until I could deny it was still happening.

The voice, too, and yeah, mannerisms. I hear myself speak and I wish I could just shut up because that's so obnoxious to hear. 

And... 

9 hours ago, Laurann said:

I literally can't get those words out of my mouth.

The very reason I took so long to admit I had those problems, and it had to happen via yes-no questions, with me just nodding and biting my lips, hard. 

[Rynn]

1 hour ago, NoelciMeta said:

Especially about the denial, I refused to admit I was growing up until I could deny it was still happening.

Yeah. I refused to wear bras for years because that would mean admitting that I had... you know. It was just sweaters all day every day, even in summer heat.

[PoeciMeta]

7 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Yeah. I refused to wear bras for years because that would mean admitting that I had... you know. It was just sweaters all day every day, even in summer heat.

Same - I made the transition directly between no bra and all oversized stuff and unhealthy binding with still the oversized stuff. 

I won't look at that stuff, touch it, or think about it... just keep pretending there's nothing there...