who the heck am I?!? [TRIGGER WARNING]

[Guest]

ok so from the age of around 9/10 I was always attracted to other males. Adults would joke that I would have a girlfriend when I was older but I always thought "do I have to?". I tried it anyway and there was absolutely no desire there. I always just figured I was gay, because at the time that's all I was aware you COULD be if you weren't straight, I accepted my identity and kept going.

 

I was almost 15 when I met an older man on yahoo chat who I chatted with for a few weeks before I agreed to meet him. He picked me up near my home and he was much older than he had told me, took me back to his place where what you probably think happened, did happen. He took me home and I never heard from him again.

 

I'm 32 now and I've spent my life trying to work through this trauma, among others, the only way I knew how. by having unsatisfactory, unprotected sex with as many strangers as I could find. It's only in the last 3 years or so and with the help of talking therapy and anti-depression/anxiety medications that I've accepted all these hard truths, namely the fact that I was raped but also the fact that I was abused in the foster care system and how much that abuse has affected the way I navigate my life.

 

For almost a year now I haven't felt the desire to hop on grindr for a quick fuck or a dick in my mouth. I have many times out of boredom and found myself unsatisfied yet again, with the exception of one guy who I've been having casual sex with on and off for over 5 years. It's now been over 6 months since I had sex and I'm fine with that, and in the last few months have come to the realisation that I don't enjoy sex that much. Sure, I get horny, I masturbate, and I think porn is amazing. I can have sex and thoroughly enjoy it and often desire it - but I don't want it. I know for a fact that I would be perfectly happy in a sexless relationship, I am content handling those urges all on my own, and while I couldn't say for certain, I think I would prefer to.

 

Regarding my desire for sex, there's one person in particular that I'm thinking of while writing this out, he is pansexual and has recently started dating a nice girl with a kid. I met him during a recent hospital stay, we were admitted to the same ward on the same day and were released on the same day. We've become fairly good friends, he isn't particularly my "type" and while not being unattractive he's hardly a super model and has horrible skin from a lifetime of picking at himself, but he is a kind and compassionate person with an enormous heart and he's always smiling and bringing joy to the lives of people around him, even when he's dying on the inside. He's passionate, driven and just an all-round awesome guy.

 

I want to rip his clothes off and show him how I feel.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading the last few weeks and obviously I'm somewhere on the gray-spectrum, but I feel like there's more to it than that, and that there may be additional words or an entirely different term to describe what I am.

 

Does anyone have any suggested reading material?

[Memento1]

Welcome!  Wow, you have quite a story and I'm sorry for all you've been through.  It sounds tough and it's impressive how much progress you've made.  It sounds like you're separating out sex you have had as a coping mechanism versus sex you intrinsically desire - is that correct?

 

I guess I'm a little confused when you say you often desire sex but don't want it.  Those words are so similar it's hard to parse out what exactly you mean.  If you're saying you want sex with this guy from the hospital in a way you haven't "wanted" sex before, maybe it's a form of demisexual?  Demisexual being "someone who can only experience sexual attraction or desire after an emotional bond has been formed."

 

Honestly, I consider labels a tool, not a diagnosis.  If they make you feel understood, accepted, and confident, use them.  If they feel constricting and ill-fitting, don't.  Picking a label doesn't mean you can't change later.  A lot of us on the gray-spectrum find no term exactly meets our experience, which can be frustrating, but the FEELINGS we hope to get from a label can often be found none-the-less.  The question isn't so much "what am I?" as "how do I find acceptance of whatever I am?"

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Memento1 said:

Welcome!  Wow, you have quite a story and I'm sorry for all you've been through.  It sounds tough and it's impressive how much progress you've made.  It sounds like you're separating out sex you have had as a coping mechanism versus sex you intrinsically desire - is that correct?

 

I guess I'm a little confused when you say you often desire sex but don't want it.  Those words are so similar it's hard to parse out what exactly you mean.  If you're saying you want sex with this guy from the hospital in a way you haven't "wanted" sex before, maybe it's a form of demisexual?  Demisexual being "someone who can only experience sexual attraction or desire after an emotional bond has been formed."

 

Honestly, I consider labels a tool, not a diagnosis.  If they make you feel understood, accepted, and confident, use them.  If they feel constricting and ill-fitting, don't.  Picking a label doesn't mean you can't change later.  A lot of us on the gray-spectrum find no term exactly meets our experience, which can be frustrating, but the FEELINGS we hope to get from a label can often be found none-the-less.  The question isn't so much "what am I?" as "how do I find acceptance of whatever I am?"

Thankyou, I've been reflecting a lot the past few days and I realised that I have indeed made a lot of progress. I'm proud of myself but theres still quite a way to go.

 

coping mechanism vs. intrinsic desire is spot on

 

I didn't really think about the similarities between those words when I wrote my post, I guess what I mean when I say I desire sex is that I get horny and I feel that itch that needs scratching and it's great when someone is there to do that for me, whether it's a guy I'm dating, my hypothetical husband or a guy I've never met before, it's always an enjoyable experience on some level. When I say I don't want it I mean that it's not something I intend to seek out when I eventually start dating again. When assessing a potential romantic involvement, things that I find the most important are empathy, honesty, humility, similar taste in food, and how much they like to cuddle.

 

I had considered demisexual, I guess I'm a bit confused because I have so few memories of having had that sex I intrinsically desire, and so many of the kind I used as a coping mechanism, but it's definitely possible, gray-demi perhaps?

 

I agree with your point about labels being tools, I've always felt that people are just who they are and that words will never be able to fully encapsulate a thought, or feeling, and certainly not a whole identity. I would definitely feel more at ease if I could put a name to my orientation though, I've got a job to do and I need the right tool!