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yokokurama

Mixed Marriage Poems

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yokokurama

Last year I had wrote a couple of poems about the relationship between my wife and I. I use writing a lot as a creative coping mechanism. I wanted to share them here just in case there was any interest or if it would be cathartic for anyone to read, I think that it is cathartic for me to share them and I appreciate that this forum exists. I have not posted a lot but I do follow a lot of post and it definitely helps me navigate the mixed marriage that I have found myself in. Being a sexual person, for most of my life I believed that love and sex were intertwined like a double helix. Only upon discovering asexuality towards the end of last year did I come to realize that it is not that way for some people...for some it is completely separate.

In the first poem titled Agony, the "this" that is mentioned is referring to sex and was before realizing that for my asexual wife, there was nothing to start. The reason it was so hard to get started is because there was literally nothing to start for her. We are still together and I would like like to stay together, but have started thinking about what all the options for us are. The self that my wife eventually revealed was her asexual self which I am both proud of her for figuring out and left to wonder what it means for our future (besides no sex of course).

I feel like Alone Together is the better poem and that it better captures my feelings regarding the struggle that I found myself in before discovering asexuality was a thing. 

 

Agony

I feel guilty for loving you.

I feel guilty for being loved.

I feel like I’m stuck feeling blue.

I feel like I will never be enough.

This agony sets my soul on fire.

This torment tears my heart in two.

You are the only one that I desire.

I just don’t know what to do.

You’re hiding behind a wall of stone.

I’m trying my best to understand.

Why do I feel so sad and alone?

Could you ask as much from any other man?

What can I do to help us start this?

What can you do to help us start this?

I don’t know how to help us start this

Why is it so hard for us to get started?

I shall waste away in my lonely tower.

My lips are forever to remain sealed.

For you are the one with all the power.

At least until your self is revealed.

 

 

Alone Together

Lately I feel,

that I am stuck in helplessness.

And there are walls,

that cannot be torn down.

Why does it seem,

that we are together and alone?

Damn that wall,

that you have placed around yourself.

Here I sit,

I’m no better than you.

I returned in kind,

and built a wall around my heart.

I can only hope,

that we can find a way to reunite.

Before it’s too late,

and I completely fall apart.

They say love is blind,

I chose not to see the signs.

I see my naivety,

20/20 in my hindsight.

I didn’t know,

that I would feel this pain.

So here I am,

succumbing to this weight.

I cry alone,

within the shadows of my soul.

I want to be consoled,

but am unable to make the climb.

I feel there’s no escape,

it seems we built our walls too great.

Goddamn this strife,

there must be more to this life.

These torrential tears,

they fall at a tremendous pace.

Eventually,

erosion may break down the walls.

I can only hope,

that the foundation stays intact.

And with what remains,

build a life that is worth living.

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Anime Pancake

Awesome poetry. I know it shows a difficult time for you but its very beautiful and well written

 

I never understood why people say god before the word 'damn'

 

Yeah its always difficult for asexuals and sexuals to have a romantic or sexual relationship. Usually

 

If you and her didnt know about your different sexual combatibility before getting married, theres no shame in trying to decide if the relationship is good for you and her, now that you have new info

 

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natsume

I assume you've tried couples counseling already but you may also want to consult a sex therapist to try to find some common ground or compromise between you two. 

Your pain is very evident in your writing, as is your depression. Good luck and try to find as much help as possible, you cannot bear it alone.

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anisotrophic

I hope you're not still feeling this bad all the time @yokokurama :(

 

I still go through phases of feeling crummy, even though arguably my position is pretty ideal. But when I cry, it's not alone – my partner is there for me, even if he doesn't desire me in this way. The goal should be for things to get happier & repair – do you feel like things have gotten better?

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yokokurama

@Anime Pancake Thank you for the kind words, I am glad that you enjoyed the poems. 

Part of the usage of god before the word damn I think comes from the mentality of actually wanting god to damn something. Kind of like damning something to Hell, but taking the request directly to the source. 

It is very difficult for us, I would concur with that it usually is. 

Thank you for saying that there is no shame in trying to figure out viable options for us. I definitely felt shame in the past for even pressuring her at all but that was before we figured out she was asexual. It was hurtful feeling the perceived personal rejection that turned out not to be a personal rejection at all. 

 

@natsume I have been to individual counseling. We have not tried couples counseling yet, that is the next step for us I think. Currently it is difficult to line up our schedules but I think it is getting to a point where we need to make the time. The individual counseling helped but the counselor did not know much about asexuality. Most of the homework I was given had to be kind of thrown out the window once my wife and I discovered asexuality. The counselor would wanted me to try to schedule intimacy talks which my wife found to be very pressurative because the intimacy talks for me included discussion of sex and for her sex and intimacy are not intertwined. Thank you for the luck and I know that I cannot bear it alone. I am glad to be a part of this forum. I definitely plan on continuing to search for help and continuing trying to improve communication with my wife. 

 

@anisotrophic Thankfully I am not still feeling this bad all of the time! It would be unbearable I think. Discovering asexuality and my wife coming out with it as her identity has helped a lot. I do feel like at least in that regard things have gotten better. It was a major relief because it told me that the perceived personal rejections were not actually personal rejections. The time leading up to the discovery of asexuality was damaging to me because as a sexual I bundled sex and love together and had those expectations going into a marriage that if we were not having sex then something was wrong with us. Ultimately it is not really that something is wrong but there is a severe mismatch in our sexualities that needs a better solution than sex/no sex expectations. Our goal is definitely to repair what we can and move forward whilst hopefully achieving greater happiness. I have not cried in a long while. Last year around this time I would cry multiple times a week. We had some long discussions and epiphanies over the holidays. I think I am hoping that there may be some more this year. After talking to her in detail about it, I found it easier to understand that I was not the only one dealing with the issue. She could tell things were bothering me and felt bad for not being able to help me. I think she still feels bad for not being able to have that desire even though it is not her fault. It is understandable to still go through phases of feeling crummy when navigating a mixed relationship like this, I think even the ones that have discovered great options for them and their partners probably wish in a way that they did not have to navigate such differences. I am glad that your partner is there for you. I know my partner would be too, but sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking of her sexually and feeling like I am broken somehow because I cannot just shut off that part myself. I know I should not feel guilty though because sexual desire for me is not just a switch that can be turned off no more than it can be turned on for her. 

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glyders

God-damned has the same kind of meaning as accursed. It got abbreviated to goddamn and shifted from a description to an expression in the US. A bit like the simple 'damned' became 'damn'.

E.g. That damned dog stole my slipper again.

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