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Tarfeather

So is this still friendship or.. [redacted]

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Tarfeather

Okay, yeah, so.. I'm not really using this site anymore, but this situation has come up, and honestly, I'm at a loss. There's not a single person in my own life I could ask for advice on this one, mostly because they're all stuck in very normative notions of love.

 

First off, as some may know, I was in a relationship with this amazing asexual woman for five years. Yeah, we've broken up. No worries, though, we're still friends. A while ago she started going to a local church group where she started making her first real emotional connections outside her family and me. I'm very happy for her. However, it also meant that she has much less time and emotional energy for me, and it just became clear a relationship wasn't really the right choice for us anymore. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she made explicit plans to visit a monastery for a weekend (to evaluate whether she wanted to permanently move to one) without asking me first. To me that was a clear violation of trust (I may be weird, but I kind of see it like going on a date with a guy who wants to be exclusive with you), but when I explained she understood my point, and so I was fine with staying friends under the condition that we break up. Yeah, sorry, I'm not gonna be in a relationship with a person who is seriously evaluating options that involve breaking up that relationship.

 

Anyway, as I said, we're still friends, and so far this is working pretty well for both of us. Where in earlier years being "alone" would have scared me, these days I more see it as creating additional options (even though I'm wired for poly, a monogamous relationship is not something I've tried yet and not completely out of the question for me at this point). It also means sexual compromise is no longer this annoying thing, where at the same time I feel bad for asking, but also feel bad for not asking (as that may reduce our emotional involvement). Now it's just "we don't do it and we have no reason to", which at this point I'm perfectly fine with.

 

[REDACTED]

 

Meh. Typing this out as if to a neutral third party has actually given me all the clarity I need. But, I will leave in the relationship update part. Knowing where this relationship ended might be of interest to some.

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Sithgroundhog

I'm glad you're able to remain friends. I get sad when I see people break up and are never able to be friendly again. 

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