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ConnedNewlywed

Conned Newlywed

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ConnedNewlywed

Hello

 
I have been married less than two months and I have reasons to believe my new husband is a closet gay man or asexual. He denies both. He says he is impotent but I can see he has no interest to try any form of compromise. 
 
For many reasons I cannot divorce him yet. I want to, but it is impossible at this stage. 
 
My problem is living with a man I grieve for. Our relationship is love-hate and extremely strained at times. I struggle to suppress my own womanhood as I am forced to be somewhat celibate against my will.
 
I hold resentment for being conned into this almost sexless and passionless marriage.
 
Where my cooking and chores were only a few weeks ago, performed with my whole heart, I now can't be productive as I once was, as I have lost all motivation. Everything is done with half a heart now.
 
If only he would come out of the closet, or be honest, or compromise, it might help us to figure out a way to deal with it. He won't. He won't seek counselling and won't let me go alone. He controls the money and says it is too expensive. 
 
I want my life and the right to my own sexuality back again, but for reasons beyond my control, I cannot leave or divorce yet. I will only be able to break free in a few years time. It's too long and complicated to explain that part.
 
I need to find a way to make it work for me in the meanwhile. I don't think I can or want to be celibate, or asexual for many years. Maybe one year only if I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. But right now that choice has been taken away from me.
 
He has decided to end my vitality and womanhood too soon, for the rest of my life. Nobody has that right to decide when it all ends for me. Yet he has done it. He has no right.
 
It was supposed to be my our decision together when we want to end that part of my youth. The decisions was not his to make without my consent before we even had any honeymoon. 
 
When we had a huge argument over it, he said we are incompatible and I should leave.
 
His sister knows my predicament but for various reasons I cannot at this stage accept her kind invitation to go live with her family. 
 
He said it is fine for me to go live with his sister in another country. I have no family of my own who can take me in. 
 
He claims to love me, yet freely allows me go live with his sister. When I asked why he offered no resistance, he said he didn't mean it when he asked me to leave. He changed his mind.
 
I believe he meant it, but he needs my help around the house and garden. He likes that I am highly domesticated. We have much in common - believe it or not.
 
In the meanwhile how do I find my own fulfillment and zest for life again?
 
He said I can pleasure myself or find a lover because he says he's to old for sex with me. He is only three years older than me. I told him I can't have sex with someone I don't love. He smiled when I said that and I have no idea why. 
 
He was celibate for 24 years before he married me. His reasons for having married me change from time to time and are illogical to me. 
 
He calls himself a recluse and does not have a boyfriend that I know of. 
 
I am so lonely. I can't tell anyone. He controls the money so I cannot join any club or go anywhere.
 
I have reached out to online friend and strangers, who were in similar situations, but their lives are too busy to be there for me emotionally. I want solutions but I only get links to support groups who thus far have not replied to my posts.
 
I want out of this marriage, but financially and legally I'm trapped. Long story.
 
He was married once with two sons. He and his wife had sex only for about three out of seven years then they moved into separate bedrooms. He placed the breakdown of their marriage squarely on her head. I think I have a pretty good idea of what she went through.
 
Since our wedding day, he has a cold dispassionate personality. We had honeymoon plans, but now he's not interested in them anymore. I think he never was. 
 
There were many red flags before the wedding and I asked him each time to explain, but he always had a ready explanation. Well rehearsed I'm sure.
 
He is chronically negative, gaslights me and displays narcissist, mysoginist ways. I get nowhere trying to talk it out. He turns it into an argument and I ealk away.
 
He can be kind, generous, helpful and loving.
 
Other times he is moody, grouchy and anti-social, not only with me, but with strangers too, except with those he wants to impress, like family and his boss, then his old persona emerges again - The perfect persona I fell in love with. I am naturally social and warm where he is cold and dispassionate.
 
He behaves like a virgin, even on our wedding night. This repulses me. I rejected him sexually once, when I could see that he was about to give me sex reluctantly. Sex is rare and mechanical. No passion or romance.
 
We have tried to have sex but he can't climax. Sometimes he is completely impotent. He refuses to visit any doctor or sex therapist.
 
He is reluctant and impotent half way through sex and only after I initiate. I think he initiated only once. It was horrible sex.
 
He refuses to kiss me in a passionate way. He hugs me and pecks my lips daily or tickles my back and holds hands and he truly hopes that will be enough to satisfy me. Then he falls asleep on the couch. It is not enough. It is just to keep me quiet.
 
We don't sleep in the same room anymore. He says I push him off the bed (I don't recall soing that) and he sleeps with a lamp on and all windows shut when it's hot, which I can't do.
Also I don't like to sleep next to a solemn man who does not fall asleep loving me or at least giving me some pillow talk. His humour is forced ever since I mentioned he has none.
 
Should I have an affair? I know no men and it goes against everything I was taught. I am acutely aware of the many dangers of that. I hate Facebook and dating sites. But I need the kind of love that is healthy, which I will never get with him. I have woman friends but nobody in the same country as me. I yearn for female friends in the same town as me. I need to laugh and be merry again.
 
My husband doesn't dance or listen to music. I have to take a drive in the car to listen to music on the radio if I want music in my life. 
 
One could ask why didn't I see the signs before the wedding. I did see them, but he always assured me I was concerned for nothing.
 
I am trapped. Please help me through this?
 
Sincerely
D
Edited by ConnedNewlywed

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Sithgroundhog
45 minutes ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

Should I have an affair?

Never have I wanted to shout "YES!" so hard before. 

 

I don't know if he's ace, I don't care. He's being abusive towards you in denying you the love and affection you need. And he's definitely being abusive concerning the gas-lighting. He doesn't deserve your love or loyalty.

 

I don't know why you're stuck with him, but I can only say that you should find a way out as soon as possible. Become as independent as possible. If you have a job, find a way to separate your finances in bank accounts. You're already in separate rooms, so that's good. 

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Laurann
3 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

He said I can pleasure myself or find a lover because he says he's to old for sex with me.

&

3 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

Should I have an affair?

I wouldn't even call it an affair. You don't have to keep it a secret if he's okay with it.

If you guys have already broken up, but are just still forced to legally stay married and live together, then I would just call it 'starting a new relationship.'

 

I do have a suspicion that wherever you are from, this is either culturally or legally a bigger problem than where I am from. So I'm not sure if I'm speaking out of line here.

 

Either way, him controlling all the money is abuse for sure. And he won't even allow you to listsen to music? What the hell is that about? Why does he get to decide that?

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Chihiro

It sounds like you are in a new country. I dunno what your story is, but are you staying with your husband so that your visa doesn't get cancelled and so that you will be not forced to go back to your country? If so, I don't approve of it. I have heard of old men who marry young women from third world countries only for companionship with the expectation that they remain caring, loyal and faithful in return for helping the women out of a bad situation in their country.

 

Anyway, I strongly discourage you from having affairs if you are indeed new to the country. I encourage you to make local friends first (even female friends which you seem to have none), learn about the place and people in your town. Random hookups/affairs will be extremely dangerous especially if the other party comes to know about your current codependent situation. I suggest you get your life in order such that you can be independent. And then seek out the love and affection that you lack, after discussing with your husband.

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Laurann
2 hours ago, Chihiro said:

It sounds like you are in a new country. I dunno what your story is, but are you staying with your husband so that your visa doesn't get cancelled and so that you will be not forced to go back to your country? If so, I don't approve of it. I have heard of old men who marry young women from third world countries only for companionship with the expectation that they remain caring, loyal and faithful in return for helping the women out of a bad situation in their country.

I had not picked up on this. If this is true, and you do depend on him for your future, and he may be able to cancel your visa if he catches you 'having an affair,' then I think the advice Chihiro gave you is better than the advice I gave you.

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Chihiro
10 minutes ago, Laurann said:

I had not picked up on this. If this is true, and you do depend on him for your future, and he may be able to cancel your visa if he catches you 'having an affair,' then I think the advice Chihiro gave you is better than the advice I gave you.

Yup. If it is true, I suggest OP to leave and go back to home country.... otherwise  you maybe charged for visa fraud and face severe punishment (depending on which country you are in) if the marriage isn't genuine. I suggest leaving now that you have figured out you can't have a genuine relationship like you wanted.

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Homer

Moved from Welcome Lounge to For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies

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natsume

Why would you even want to stay with him if you're having an affair? Affairs never offer a person the affection they're starved or any such notion - that is something from fictional romance. Affairs will only make your life more complicated and possibly make you feel like everything in the relationship is your fault and even less likely to leave. You need to figure out a way to leave the relationship - not a way to have sex with other people. 

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Sithgroundhog
17 minutes ago, natsume said:

Affairs never offer a person the affection they're starved or any such notion - that is something from fictional romance. Affairs will only make your life more complicated and possibly make you feel like everything in the relationship is your fault and even less likely to leave.

The amount of people who leave their spouse for the person they had an affair with contradicts your statement. Even if it's not a majority, such things can exist. 

 

And the OP said she's stuck with him, so it's not her will to stay but rather very serious reasons she can't leave. I say try and seek affection elsewhere until she can leave this jerk in the dust. 

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zzkitty42
17 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

But right now that choice has been taken away from me.

17 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

He won't seek counselling and won't let me go alone. He controls the money and says it is too expensive. 

17 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

There were many red flags before the wedding and I asked him each time to explain, but he always had a ready explanation. Well rehearsed I'm sure.

Like others have said before, this sounds like some seriously abusive behaviors.

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation right now, but I agree with what Chihiro said: 

12 hours ago, Chihiro said:

I encourage you to make local friends first (even female friends which you seem to have none), learn about the place and people in your town

This might help you find the sense of connection that is missing in your marriage, but also help you build a support network of people you trust that can help you through this situation. Additionally, here are some links to some resources covering relationship abuse, if that helps:

https://www.joinonelove.org/ (a great resource for understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships)

https://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/ (provides resources and information about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, as well as the ability to talk to a professional with a help line)

Hopefully you will be able to leave this guy behind, given time or the right resources. 

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natsume
2 hours ago, SithGirl said:

The amount of people who leave their spouse for the person they had an affair with contradicts your statement. Even if it's not a majority, such things can exist. 

 

And the OP said she's stuck with him, so it's not her will to stay but rather very serious reasons she can't leave. I say try and seek affection elsewhere until she can leave this jerk in the dust. 

You're thinking of Western relationships where a woman is empowered to do a lot of things she has already stated she cannot. Infidelity by the woman is illegal in some countries and she is isolated geographically from any family by what she describes so she sounds like she is in a dangerous situation to start hitting up bars for affairs. From the husband's statements it can be inferred he knows she will not be able to leave him for any of these guys. Then there is a potential visa issue if she is in a foreign country as chihiro stated. This would not be like she's going back to her ex or some guy she knew - she could actually be walking into an even more abusive situation. She needs to get out of there and a new guy out there is not going to help her do it.

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Sithgroundhog
2 minutes ago, natsume said:

You're thinking of Western relationships where a woman is empowered to do a lot of things she has already stated she cannot. Infidelity by the woman is illegal in some countries and she is isolated geographically from any family by what she describes so she sounds like she is in a dangerous situation to start hitting up bars for affairs. From the husband's statements it can be inferred he knows she will not be able to leave him for any of these guys. Then there is a potential visa issue if she is in a foreign country as chihiro stated. This would not be like she's going back to her ex or some guy she knew - she could actually be walking into an even more abusive situation. She needs to get out of there and a new guy out there is not going to help her do it.

While I agree with you that it doesn't feel she's living in Western society, we have no idea what her situation is. She hasn't elaborated and we can only infer based on her descriptions and similarities we've seen. She's said he gave her permission to go seek intimacy elsewhere:

 

19 hours ago, ConnedNewlywed said:

He said I can pleasure myself or find a lover because he says he's to old for sex with me.

so unless his last shred of humanity is gone and he'd use it as an excuse to fuck her over even more, then she has his dang permission. 

 

Her main complaint seems to be the intimacy and celibacy he's forcing her into, so seeking someone else to give that to her would be a possible solution. She already wants a divorce. She already has plenty of reason to kick this man to the curb the instant it's possible. He's denying her simple pleasures and I believe it's in her best interest to separate her love and affection from him entirely through an affair. Screw him. She just needs to wait for the timer to tick down and why oppose a possible solution in the meantime?

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natsume

That's just the thing - it could be a trap. If she has cheated on him in a country where it is illegal he can use it to blackmail her out of divorcing him.

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