Homoromantic or Aromantic?

[YXSHINN]

I'll just hop right into it.

 

I've been identifying as aroace for almost a year, but not confidently. I'm 100% asexual, but as for my romantic orientation, I still have a little voice in my head that I might be mistaken, so I've decided to reevaluate my feelings.

 

Let's get this out of the way first: I have never experienced romantic attraction. 

 

But I do feel like I subconsciously want romantic relationships with the same sex (I'm female). I keep having reoccurring thoughts of being in romantic relationships with females, in first person, but at the same time I might be repressing them.

 

"There's no way, forget it."

 

"You haven't even experienced romantic attraction yet."

 

"What are we actually on about?"

 

Also whenever something about LGBT comes up and my family is obviously being homophobic, I get defensive. Sometimes I feel like they're directly attacking me. But once again, maybe I'm just one of those very passionate and defensive ally's.

 

But back to the reoccurring thoughts; although seeming to be touch-averse in real life due to mental health issues, I wouldn't mind (I'd actually like) if my partner would sensually express their affection for me if I was comfortable enough. But once again, I try to get rid of those thoughts because they don't line up with reality. They keep coming back though and it makes me feel bad.

 

I don't know why it makes me feel bad. Maybe because of my religion and family but also because I feel like I'm longing for something I can't get.

 

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out  I hope someone could help me figure out my feelings. I'm quite young (16) and I still have some time, but it stirs up my anxiety and I can't discuss this with anyone else. 

 

 

 

 

[Galactic Turtle]

Interesting! I am 26 so... a decade older than you, however I did have similar thoughts occasionally when I was your age. I didn't have the same language you do of course, I'd never heard of asexuality or aromanticism. But at 16 I was trying to mentally prepare myself to deal with developing non-platonic feelings for others. I saw it happening to all my friends and immediately thought the way they were acting were foolish. I treated that stage of puberty like a disease. It didn't escape my attention that on an emotional level, my entire life up to that point I had only ever felt connected with other girls. I could tell when boys were attractive but hearing them talk or even move always wrecked the visual. I could also tell when girls were attractive and to supplement that when they spoke I could relate with the things they were saying.

 

Simultaneously, this was 2009 - same sex marriage wasn't legal. Calling stuff "gay" was still an insult and I was under the impression that there were maybe ten gay people in the entire nation and half of them probably lived alone in the mountains somewhere because everyone they knew turned their backs on them. One girl in my school came out as bisexual, the artsy kind who always had some sort of unnaturally colored hair, and everyone assumed she was just calling herself bi to feel special. Needless to say, aside from rarities like her no one wanted to be considered LGBT. Not because they hated gay people, but it just seemed like yet another way your life could be made more difficult. My family surely didn't have any kind words to spare for that segment of the population. 

 

Like you, I had been living with a very apparent aversion to touch. It was actually a running joke amongst my family that they'd need to pay a man to marry me. Amongst all of this joking it seemed like a terrible thing to even think about coming to any conclusion I was not attracted to the opposite sex. Since then I've seen many relationships happen all around me. I became aware of the many ways romantic relationships function. I've even stared at my closest friend while she slept trying to figure out if feeling at home with her meant I had romantic feelings for her.

 

Eventually I came to the conclusion that I don't experience any obvious romantic or sexual attraction towards men or women which may or may not be helped by the fact that all my female friends are straight and I can't handle physical contact. What I do feel, however, is a familial connection or the yearning for a familial connection with others. I enjoy female communities and female connection. Any sort of partnership scenario that could possibly evolve from that would not involve the things that could satisfy pretty much anyone who says they want a partner. I also still do not wish to be seen as if I were in a lesbian relationship. Times have changed, but for my purposes they have not changed that much. Some would call me an "oriented aro ace." If I were to love someone in a partnership, the expression of it would appear so muted/platonic that the relationship would not last. Why even think about it if it would also wreck my relationship with my family?

[Mezzo Forte]

I always like to mention that it’s okay to “try on” a label to see if it explains your lived experience. Aromanticism is the absence of romantic attraction, and growing up in amatonormative cultures, it’s easy to desire romance without the attraction to back it up. It’s possible you will experience romantic attraction in the future, but it’s also possible that you might not. I can definitely see the signs of my own romanticism looking back to when I was 16, so don’t worry too much about the whole “too young” dialogue, especially if aromanticism explains your present lived experiences.

 

Also, you might be interested in the concept of oriented aroaces, as a romantic asexuals can still experience other forms of attraction, and gender preference can manifest within those forms of attraction. I would still call myself aromantic and asexual, but aesthetically and sensually, I prefer men. The only times I feel comfortable exchanging physical affection is when it is 100% mutually understood to be platonic, and based on my experiences dating back before I knew I was aro, adding romance to the mix results in full-on touch repulsion.

[YXSHINN]

2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Also, you might be interested in the concept of oriented aroaces, as a romantic asexuals can still experience other forms of attraction, and gender preference can manifest within those forms of attraction. I would still call myself aromantic and asexual, but aesthetically and sensually, I prefer men. The only times I feel comfortable exchanging physical affection is when it is 100% mutually understood to be platonic, and based on my experiences dating back before I knew I was aro, adding romance to the mix results in full-on touch repulsion.

 

I think you're right. I've been identifying as a sapphic(-oriented) aroace with a preference for women. I feel like people are more sure of me being aro than I do. I should learn to be more confident. 

 

My life up to now really does 100% point to aromanticism, if I were to look back. 

 

Thanks for the input, you guys! @Mezzo Forte @Galactic Turtle I really appreciate it